i have been discussing this with my str8 therapist for a few weeks now and thought you guys would provide a wealth of sound advice. give me your thoughts and perspective.

some background, been dating this guy for about a year and a half now. we are both in the 27-30-age range. he is a wall street professional and i am about to graduate from law school - taking the bar this july and planning a trip to greece/turkey for the month of august.

each of us is in the closet. for both of us, this is our first m/m relationship that wasn't purely casual sex. we both agree, that for us both, this relationship has been the best one either of us has ever been in- we get along terrifically and rarely argue or disagree. we both agree we have found someone who could be considered "marriage material". we are both very committed to one another and are also monogamous.

here is the catch - the lease on his apartment is up at the end of june (mine at the end of august) and he wants to find a larger place so that i can move in with him come september. in theory, i have no problem with that. but, somehow, deep down inside me, i am a little scared. i sort of get these feelings of loosing my freedom and individuality and if i am honest, it makes me very visible as a gay man (and to our families as well) since most str8 professional men in nyc, dont need to share a one bedroom! its a little daunting to a guy like myself who is earnestly trying to find himself and come to grips with who he is.

i dont imagine that my apprehension and fear are isolated to just me. i am sure others have gone through these same set of feelings and wanted to know how you worked through them. also, any advice you guys have would be welcomed.

thanks

Get a nice, big bed. eek!


Seriously though, first off.......if you are going to stay in the closet, your co-workers probably aren't going to have keys to your apartment, so they wouldn't really 'need' to know how many bedrooms and how many people live in your apartment. I really wouldn't worry about anything involving that.

Sounds like you guys are good for eachother and that it would be a good situation. Go for it bud!

Don't forget that any of the worrying you do as a result of moving in with a guy for the first time (especially since both of you are still closeted) is bound to have some effect on the relationship. Your boyfriend is likely to feel the same way you do. Moving in together is a big step. Lots of communication before will ensure that the transition to cohabitation is easier. Once you are both sharing the same bed each night, it's too late then for major surprises. Just sit down with your boyfriend and make sure each of you is on the same page.

Also, it's probably safe to assume that yours and his families will start to suspect something. I think that you have to figure out if your desire to live with your boyfriend is greater than your unease with what your families might think/assume...

Good luck and all the best.

My advice to people is determine that one thing about your partner that absolutely bugs the hell out of you...if you think of that and still want to be around him/her every day, then go for it. wink

[ April 20, 2005, 11:24 AM: Message edited by: dfwAggie99 ]

If you are both in the closet, but both want to take this step, maybe a two bedroom would be an option? Like INM said, your co-workers have no reason to know who you live with or how many bedrooms you have. But, family is a different matter. If you had the two bedroom (for appearence sake) you could say one room is yours and the other his. This could help you bridge the gap from the closet to being more open.

My partner and I had the same problem, but it was more because of my daughter than other people. I found myself sleeping on the couch so she wouldn't suspect anything, but that didn't last very long.

Anyway, if a two bedroom is an option, that may be an easier way to transition both of you from the closet nervousness to being more comfortable about who you are?

Hope it helped.

PS,
Once you two are comfortable within your relationship and living arrangement, no one else will matter.

That's how it was for me.

Just make sure you don't get wound up in the drama of moving in at the expense of you bar preparations. After graduating, you'll need to commit entirely to making that the primary focus of your life. Once you take the bar exam, then you can get sucked into the cohabitation issues.

Good luck on the move-in and the bar exam!

Good advice from all so far, but I wouldn't worry about the two-bed option since there aren't any kids in your situation. Conversely, you may want an extra room for an office or retreat/guest room in order to give you the needed time away from each other that you will both require at home; it's not ALL going to be languishing in each other's arms, y'know!

As for others, I think you'll find that people will prove to be a lot less interested in your private lives than you imagine and those who are will be positively so. As for those who may react negatively towards it, nobody likes to tangle with an angry lawyer - especially another lawyer - so don't be shy about telling people to butt out when necessary. You're in NY - people should know better!

Good luck to you both and definitely go for it; it sounds like a good match and I hope a long-lasting one! And good luck on the nation's "second hardest" bar!

Bryant

I read the part about how obvious it would be to your families if you shared a one-bedroom apartment, and my first thought was: If you're not ready to come out to your family, I'm not sure you're ready for a long-term relationship. I don't know what others think, but that was my first reaction. You say you think you're marriage material, but if you're that serious, why would you want to hide it from your family? That's something you should share with them. I'd definitely come out to them before moving in with him - it'll be a shock (maybe), but imagine how much of a bigger shock down the road when they find out you're living with your partner of X-number of years.

As for everything else, communication is the most important thing. Figure out the non-negotiables before you merge and make sure everything's compatible there, and everything else is just fodder for discussion. Also, you don't have to do everything together - it's much healthier to have time to yourself and maintain some individuality. Having separate careers will help with that, but make sure you both don't just come home at night and spend every waking non-work hour together.

I don't think it's "required" to come out to your parents prior to moving in together. However, I do agree the two bedroom may be the best avenue. I've been in 2 relationships where my partner lived with me and have never come out to my parents. Some parents prefer to live in their "Republican land of denial". I don't doubt my parents have serious suspicions of my sexual orientation yet they have never asked the question and I figure if it "works" for them it works for me. My partners have always been included in family functions and holidays. The family dynamics of each family is different I would never state someone "must" come out or "must not", we all have some sort of disfunction in every family. My family only lives about 3 hours away from me so they visit about 3-4 times a year. Ultimately you may need the second bedroom as a guest room for your parents! wink

[ April 20, 2005, 12:22 PM: Message edited by: PewterPirate ]

Do either of your families live in NYC? That is a big factor.

I had a situation where I was out, my boyfriend wasn't, we lived in a one bedroom apartment, and his family lived in town 1.5 miles away. They were always popping in.

This caused a great headache. When asked where he slept he pointed out the sleeper sofa. But as time went on more questions came up. Why are you always hanging out with him? Does he always have to be here? Why did the two of you go on vacation together? What is with this photo of the two of you with arms around each other? We came by to take you out for breakfast, it looks like we woke you, but why isn't the sofa bed out? Oops sorry it looks like we got you stepping out of the shower, your roomate in the shower too?

Finally I had it. I was tired of all the lies and acting. I gave him two choices. Either tell your family to call first before dropping by so that I can get myself out of the situation, or come out.

He told his family to call first, well this caused an uproar, as they are a close family. I of course was blamed for this. Finally his father turned to him and said, how long of the two of you been dating?

It was finally over.

The downside they still didn't call first before coming over, but at least we didn't have to fake it.

That story brought back memories. Now you have to remember that Wayne and I are both older, and when we started to date it was still fairly normal procedures to deny being gay to family (1980), but we lived in a 1 bedroom for 9 years, and both families never asked. I think they both knew, but as a previous poster said, they lived in their Republican state of denial.
I am sure over the years I called him "honey" in front of family, but since my mother was normally out of it on cheap vodka, it didn't make a difference.

I do agree with a previous poster that if you are both still in the closet, where you're not out to even SOMEONE in the family, the pressure of keeping the "stories" straight will eventually doom the relationship. In my case, I had to make a choice between my famly and my husband, so Christmas of 1980 I walked out on them, and didn't talk to them until October 1988.
Trust me, that's what NOT to do.

If you have a supportive brother or sister, come out to them. it will make a difference.

oh, and if you do move in together? Pre-Nup!!

Guys, guys, good advice for Bryant to consider here, but let's not politicize it, huh? (Besides, he's too smart a guy to be swayed by such.) There are Democratic, Libertarian, Marxist, and Anarchist "lands/states of denial" along with Republican ones, as I'm sure we all know. The important thing is to give him good advice in making some serious life choices, so maybe one day, that denial will cease to exist - whatever its orientation.

And yes, definitely do a pre-nup. As evidenced by my own failure to mention it before, lawyers are the WORST when it comes to forgetting about such arrangements for themselves. Make it your post-bartum labor of love - if your BF waives the conflict of interest, of course! wink

Me too! Except ours was a terrible metal futon. When he finally came out to his parents, I was so relieved, because it meant we could actually get rid of the damn futon.

I love that story.

wow - thanks men. you guys are great. i cant believe all this advice i got between classes!!!

just to fill you in on some questions raised. my folks live in ca ( gmginsfo - i am taking the ca bar not ny - studying in ny and coming home to sit for it) and the bf's family is from michigan so again no worries about family just dropping by.

two bedroom is a good idea but so damn expensive here in nyc - what we would pay for a 2 bedroom is likely more than a mortgage payment anywhere else in the country sans ca. yet we will both be working and making good salaries. i will bring that suggestion up.

i understand your advice about coming out - my therapist is a big proponent of it but it’s so damn hard. someone said about coming out to a family member - my brother is doing his residency in nyc and i see him often. he has met my bf but has been introduced only as a friend. however, i do think my brother knows and deep down, i dont think he would care. his best friend since childhood is out and they remain friends. the reason i believe he knows is because he told me over dinner a month or so ago that " i would love you whoever you decide to marry." the way he said it was more obvious and of course, i teared up and couldn't respond.

it's just so hard coming out. i know you guys have been through it but it’s the hardest thing i ever had to consider doing. i just fear rejection and deflating others expectations of me. god, i worshipped my brother growing up and i pursued swimming because that's what he did. i know i sound neurotic but this was a road i never thought i would be crossing.

as for my my parents, they have gay friends and neighbors so i dont know why i worry but i honestly think they have no clue about me since i was actually engaged to a woman just two years ago.


thanks for your interest guys. it touches me.

Bryant:

I don't think anyone who knows NYC real estate market would find two young professional males living together suspicious, so you shouldn't have to worry about being out.

It sounds like you are both looking to rent a place (purchasing, as you know, would create some additional legal issues). The best advise I have would be to make sure each of you has the ability to get some alone time. You won't be able to go back to your separate space to cool down or get away from each other. That can create some additional tension. Also, come up with a plan for how bills will get back, how housework will be handled, etc. Sometimes it is the little things that can be challenging.

All that being said, a wrestler and a swimmer...I'd rent the video.

Why rent? I'd buy it!

I have to agree with Weasel on this one. I tried staying in the closet with my partner, and it was just too difficult, and not fair to him or me. It was not easy to tell the family (My father has just accepted it within the past few months after almost 13 years), but it was so much better for our relationship. Best of luck.

Bryant: I have to agree that staying in the closet is going to be very difficult for both of you ... but that's going to be true whether you move in or not. AND if you're really confident -- as it seems clear that you are -- that this is the side of the street where you live, you're just too young to bother bottling up your life for the sake of appearances. Being out in NY is not going to be a big problem -- heck, the odds are in your favor. It's coming out to your friends there that will seem difficult is my guess -- and that's because you've got to deal somehow with the fact that you've been keeping them in the dark. Most of them, however, will have a clue -- esp. folks in NY -- and most of them will find it a lot easier to be your friend when the whole you is part of the bargain. I don't particularly recommend jumping out with both feet (or "diving in all the way"), but putting a toe or two in and trying it out with a friend or two, should help you discover the values of openness. Your brother sounds terrific, btw. And if he's medical in the city, he's almost got to be cool. There are plenty of gay Wall Streeters, despite the fact that it's not a particularly welcoming environment. And while I'm not a lawyer, I have friends up there who are, and it sure seems to be a total non-issue in the legal world as I hear about it in the city (and really most places). I guess the one question I haven't really seen addressed here, tho', is where your b/f is on coming out, etc. What should be clear from what has been said is that unbalanced relationships (one in, the other out) are often awkward, not impossible, but definitely complicated.

Coming out is scary to be sure -- esp. for someone whose past implies something else -- and there may be a "friend" or two out there who'll drop you. BUT the reality is that those aren't really much in the way of friends to start with. And more importantly, what you do need in your life are people who will love you as you are, and not as you -- or they - want to imagine you.

Your family sounds likely to be cool as well. You'll be the best judge of how to handle that -- and your brother is likely to be a big help in sorting that out.

Last point: two b/rs may seem expensive -- well, in Manhattan they are -- but I think there are lots of good reasons to go that way, aside from the closet space: mental space and breathing room, comfort zones and the like. And if you find you don't need it after a year or so, you can always downsize.

Best piece of advice from above: don't let this get in the way of your bar prep.

Good luck.

[ April 20, 2005, 06:31 PM: Message edited by: jockpop ]

Bryant: I wish you the best of luck. This conversation is so interesting that I've been distracted from doing my own administrative law class reading for tomorrow. I have a sneaking suspicion that everything will turn out far better than you think.

IMHO, most of life is about taking risks. Unfortunately, lawyers--and I'm prematurely including myself here--are trained to be very risk-averse, constantly seeking the perceived safest routes in life, as well as litigation. But this can mask the great possibilities of happiness and joy that come when you successfully make leaps.

All my new-agey mumbo jumbo has this basic point: don't be afraid to take a chance. Coming out may be a big step, but moving in with your BF seems like a smaller step that you are ready to make in your life. Of course, you know your situation better than anyone else on this board. But it sounds like your ready to experience something new.

Honestly, although I realize financial issues might dictate otherwise in NYC, I think two bedrooms is a good option even if you're not in the closet. I'd go mad without some space to call my own, even if I was sleeping in the same bed with someone.

I'd echo the other sentiments here. Maybe a two-bedroom is too much, but make sure there's at least a "neutral corner" - an office or some such - where you can retreat if you need some "me time". Having been on my own for about eight years when I first moved in with my boyfriend, I definitely needed some time alone once in awhile.

And know that, chances are, things will work out fine. We were both dragged kicking and screaming into this relationship, sure as anything that this would never work out, but we're still together.

LXN

I think you should come out to your brother already. It sounds like he knows and doesn't care. Once you come out to him, you may find it much easier with regard to others.

I can't recall if you mentioned whether or not you two have taken a vacation together. It may serve as a good "practice run" as to what it would be like to live together. People change once they live together. Some of the cutest quirks while dating become the most annoying habits once living together. Also, eventually, it will be so much easier once you come out. Only you can determine when you tackle that chore. I would not rush anyone into coming out due to all the different dynamics involved with family, friends, etc. Best of luck with the BF and especially with passing the bar. Remember, JFK Jr. had to take it three times before passing! Most of all, don't worry so much about what other people think of you. Life is too short for that!

I agree with JIP - I think your brother already knows you're gay. In fact, he opened the door for the discussion. He's trying to help you as I think he knows you are "tormented" about it.

My sister was the first family member I came out to at 26, it was hard for me to even say the words "I'm gay" and it was a bit tearful but it lifted a great deal of the weight of the world on my shoulders. Your brother sounds like a GREAT guy who will not only support you but be there and be a good sounding board as he knows your family dynamics better than any of us.

Best of luck! Exhale, take a deep breath, you'll be FINE!

hey guys - thanks so much for all your insight, suggestions and well wishes - and for neptune for putting my life adventure over his admin law reading (although i cant imagine it was that much of a choice!)

after talking to both my bf and therapist i think the two bedroom is definitely the way to go - as is having that talk with my brother - certainly before my parents come to ny for my graduation. i think as someone said a deep breathing was necessary but i think if anyone has some extra xanex, that might be the better option!!

its so funny when i look back over my successes in life - both in school and in sports - i somehow dont factor courage into any of it; they were just tasks that i needed to overcome. however, this decision to come out to my brother seems overwhelming. i have always lived by the motto "whatever doesn’t kill, you makes you stronger." funny how that phrase, seems to have so little meaning in the context of something so personal as my own sexuality.

i suppose, as everyone says, something inside is free after your true self is revealed. the journey to get there; however, is a torturous one.

thanks again guys.

Best of luck to you. Keep us informed!

LXN

well, guys i took a huge step yesterday and invited my brother out to dinner tomorrow night to talk to him. deep down, i am really nervous and i am experiencing all kinds of emotions.

i am realizing this is more about the fear i have regarding how others perceive/judge me and whether or not they will think differently of me after they find out who i really am.

it’s funny, over the past two years, i have systematically closed my brother out from a huge part of my life. he has always been not only a hugely supportive big brother, but also my best friend throughout the years. we were and remained particularly close. he has commented on more than one occasion that we seemed to have been drifting apart especially now that we both live in the same area of the country.

you know, deep down, i know he will not reject me but i have this crazy worry that i have disappointed him. maybe it’s a big brother/little brother thing as my therapist said - of always wanting his acceptance and approval. and i worry about the emotional part of it when i tell him because, at heart, i am a very emotional guy. oh well, i guess the more i play this out in my head the worse it is because i seem to have more contingency plans than military strategist.

anyway, this is one giant step for me in my life. wish me luck guys.

I would say chances are good that your brother and other family members already know. Like you said just be yourself, take a couple of deep breaths. Once you have moved past this particular junction in life you are at, you will feel the weight of the world off your back. Good luck!

Best of luck! If you don't want to make any "proclamations", you don't have to - you can simply phrase things in terms of your relationship. So when your brother asks, "So what's new?", you can say "Fred and I are looking for a place together. It's kind of a big step, but I think we're ready." Hope it goes well. And pick up the check.

LXN

[ April 23, 2005, 07:01 AM: Message edited by: Lexington ]

Best of luck Bryant with your brother. Sometimes people surprise us, especially family, and I hope that this is the case tomorrow. I think it's important that you have someone to talk to other than your bf - you'll need to vent when those inevitable annoyances arise that come with living together. Like if he uses WAY too much shaving cream and toothpaste, or leaves his bills lying around all over the apt......but I digress.

One last thing - don't let anyone force you into coming out more quickly than you are ready to..I believe that everyone must do this at their own pace. I think we all know how hard it can be - I came out 12 years ago, but really have only felt comfortable the last 3 years or so. And my mother is a lesbian to boot! But, like the quote I read somewhere last week, I've never heard of anyone wanting to go back into the closet once they came out......trust me, it's so freeing in the long run.

I'll be sending good vibes to you tomorrow.

Bryant: allow me to add my best wishes. My sister made some similar observations not too long ago, and the upshot was terrific. You know your brother well enough to know whether he's more interested in your friendship or your obedience. And it doesn't much sound like the latter to me. This could be the beginning of some real growth for you both. And having your best friend in your corner will make things with your b/f so much more comfortable. I get excited for you as I imagine what's possible. Enjoy!

Bryant - Hope all went well with your brother tonight. I've been following this thread with a lot of curiousity, and truthfully, I've been mooching some of the advice you've been getting. My bf and I still haven't come out to our folks, or his brother, or my sisters. And we're in our 30s (well, 32 and 30). It's tough when you just want to say it and the words won't come out. I can't tell you the number of times I've come within an inch before chickening out. But that hump I've been trying to get over has become a mountain as I've gotten older. I wish I'd done it ten years ago when I figured out for myself that I liked the fellas more than the ladies. Fortunately, I've got a supportive guy by my side (although he isn't a wrestler, but we've talked about that, and he promised to get into shape), and some good friends. Haven't always had that. I would love for my family to know them since they mean so much to me. So, I wish you the best. And study hard for the bar. It's not something you want to go through twice (once was plenty for me).

i suppose i should have posted this under a new thread because the subject of this discussion has been transformed from my original inquiry.

that said, here's a recap of my experience in coming out to my brother on sunday night.

i got to tell you, i was in a fog most of the day thinking and thinking of every possible scenario that could play itself out. i was mentally exhausted by the time i arrived at his apartment.

i got there and he greeted me with a big hug, as he always does, and we sat down and shared some beverages before our dinner plans. one part of me didn’t want to make a big declaration, as someone said, but on the other hand, i didn’t want to simply drop the " i am moving in with the bf" line, over dinner, without providing him with some context of bigger story. i decided that midway thru his second beer would be a good time to steer the conversation.

i generally told him that i needed to have a very personal and confidential discussion with him. at first, i was sort of fumbling for the right words - hemming and hawing around the subject and since he is a doctor, he immediately thought i had a health issue and started down the clinical path. it provided me with a moment of laughter because i was thinking at the time; gee, i wish that was what i was telling him instead of what i was about to say.

anyway, when i finally got to the point of telling him, i just broke down and cried. i literally was weeping for what seemed like 10 minutes; i really couldn’t remember a time in my life where i was so overcome by emotion. fortunately, as i assumed deep down, he was very supportive - starting with putting his arm around me and telling me that this was nothing for me to get upset about. i just remember endless piles of tissues around me after i got myself under control. at first i couldn’t really look him in the eye and was talking to him with my eyes to the floor - i guess some part of me was really ashamed but i recall him pulling me by the shoulders, turning me towards him and saying that he loved me no matter what and that my being gay made absolutely no difference to him - and he seemed to mean it. at one point, he even started to cry. i remember thinking - what a sight, these two big dumb athletes slobbering over one another in this tiny nyc apartment.

honestly, it was the scariest thing and the boldest step i have ever taken in my life. even now i find it hard to believe that i had the wherewithal to both confront the issue as well as share it with someone as close to me as my brother. and as tough as the emotions were, it was cathartic. i really feel like i released something from inside of me, the person who was trying to come out but just couldn’t. it was frightening yet liberating if that makes sense.

as for my brother, what can i say? it just solidifies how fortunate i am to have someone who continues to be so tremendously supportive of every journey my life has taken. what more could i ask for from my best friend.

i asked him if he knew - he said he didn’t really begin to consider it until i broke up with my last girlfriend and was spending all this time with this handsome, muscular guy friend and at the same time, pulling away from him. he said he was hoping i would tell him because he feared loosing what we had because i kept him at arm's length over the past year.

it's so funny, he said he never understood why i would have thought it mattered to him or why i thought he would have been disappointed in me for being gay, when he thought i was aware that he had openly gay friends. ironically, he also told me that his fiancé has a gay brother as well. go figure.

so to cut to the chase - we never did go out that night; instead we ordered in, which worked for me. i told him that i didn’t want to let our folks know until i was ready - especially that they are going to be here for graduation soon and didn't want my issue to overshadow the graduation. he agreed.

at the end, my brother asked for my bf's cell phone number so he and his fiance could take us both out to dinner this coming weekend in order that we could all get to know each other better. with that, i again started to cry again and we hugged one another and told each other how much we loved each other. it was very touching.

i headed home emotionally spent but ironically, feeling a little lighter in my soul. yesterday i went thru the day sort of numb and just couldn’t retell the story.

finally , i wish to extend my gratitude to each of you strangers who encouraged me to confront my demons and share the truth with my brother. it truly is liberating.

Congratulations - great to hear things went so well. I'm sure you feel like you have a huge weight lifted off your shoulder. This is the beginning of a new and better life for you....

excellent news, bryant. i'm glad things turned out so well. i think you lived a lesson for all of us.

Bryant, congratulations buddy. The first step of the journey is always the hardest. I'm so excited that you and your brother got this out in the open. Speaking of tissue, I've gotta go get a few.

So you'll make a great lawyer! Your last post was one of the nicest coming out stories I've seen on the Board. Good luck to you. I could never have done what you did only because I AM an oldest brother. I'm proud of both of you. Also, my partner and I have had separate bedrooms for over 17 years. wink

Bryant,

In another posting, on a different thread, you stated how you felt you had alot in common with my college situation, and now with the way you told your brother, I have a lot in common with you. My coming out to my younger sister was very similar. She reacted almost the same way as your brother. I am thrilled for you that your brother wants to meet the BF, its a big step, but if you really love this guy, I think your whole family is going to be excited and support you. Congratulations. My sister never did get a chance all those years ago to meet the amazing guy I was dating, he was a ballet dancer with the Miami Ballet, so he and she were never around at the same time, he was not however my first BF, that dubious honor went to someone else. Unfortunately he was the last guy I really dated, and that was in the late 1990's, so while I am happy for you, I am actually more than a bit jealous, and have a lot of regrets about not being honest and coming out sooner than I did. I almost feel like I missed my chance at a relationship by NOT being honest when I was your age, and TRUST me I have everything else I want in life for the most part, great career, just ordered my first Jag, the beach house, a huge loft in Philadelphia, but I just feel like if I had been honest when I was with my first BF maybe I wouldn't be single. NOT being able to talk with my parents or my sister about how devasated I was when Brian left me was the worst.

I wish you all of the best with it, and I know YOU are going to be fine. How it works out for the BF is still up in the air. But at least he has you, and can hope his family will have a similar reaction to your brother's, but TRUST me don't wait too long to tell the parents because it only gets harder the longer you put it off.

Very happy for you Bryant! Now your relationship with your brother can only get stronger! Supportive siblings are one of the greatest gifts!

You took one big huge step and survived and now sound like you are thriving. Good for you!

Bryant: ditto what ShoreJim said. ANd this: I'm very happy for you. Your brother is a terrific guy -- and it's clear that you are too. This has brought major tears to my eyes. Good thing I have an hour before I have to see anyone. : ) Thanks veyr much for telling your story and including us in it. Congrats on graduating -- in so many ways.

Way to go, bryant!! Congratulations. I'm very proud of you!

Congratulations Bryant! That is great.

you're preaching to the choir, sweetcakes. it makes LOADS of sense that you feel liberated. and you've displayed great courage to come out to someone who's so important in your life.

your bro sounds like a great man. give him my number if he decides to switch teams too.

Congratulations! And welcome to the other side. wink

LXN

Bryant, I've been following this thread and had no doubt that the outcome would be what it is. Congratulations! I have tears of happiness for you, your brother and your partner in my eyes, best of luck to you.

Congratulations Byrant!! I am so proud of you. I AM the older brother that came out to both of my sisters one by one. The sister closest to me in age said she already knew. She was actually mad at me for not coming out sooner because she had lots of gay friends and they use to go clubbing together and it would have been so cool to have me come along with them. I can remember wanting to ask her if I could come along with them to the clubs but I was afraid of what people might "think".

We spend so much of our lives worrying about what other people might “think” of us. We use up so much energy on the “mights” in life. I once read a church marquee that said “Worry is a waste of creativity” If we spend so much energy worrying about “things” and used that same energy to be creative just think of what we could accomplish.

My younger sister was the funny coming out story. She asked me one day when I was over at our Parents house if any of my friends were “queer”. You would have to know my sister to understand her just asking that question. She is the blond Barbie of the family. When she asked me that question so point blank I said yes and what if I was queer too. She looked like one of those dogs that kind of turn their heads slightly and lift their ears when you make a sound they don’t quite understand.

I proceeded to tell her all about my partner at this point. She said she knew something was up with him since at dinner the previous weekend when he was there I waited on him. I asked him what kind of drink he wanted. I got him extra napkins. She said you don’t wait on someone or accommodate them like that if they are “just a friend”. You would just tell them where the items are located and have them get their own.

So Bryant, be careful just how much you wait on your BF in front of your parents. They might pick up real quick that he is more than a buddy. I do have to tell you that I am so glad I am out to my family. It sure took a lot of pressure off of my life. We have been together now almost 13 years and my partner is treated just like both of my brother-in-laws if not better. I am certainly the “favorite” Son-in-Law on my partner’s side of the family. He has two sisters too.

GOOD FOR YOU, Bryant! What a great way to transition from law school into the real world, now made all the more real by your handling it in a realistic manner.

My favorite part of the story? When your brother asked for the BF's number so he and his fiancee could take you two to dinner. Now that's class! I'd love to be a fly on that wall!

Gadbear, I'm the "oldest and only older brother" too - to 4 younger sisters and their hubbys in my case. Things were moved along a bit by one of my sister's discovering some love letters between an old BF and me, but they went just as well as your experience did. Bonus: of all my bros-in-law, only one is a jerk, but he's that way about everything, so the only question the rest of us have is, what did our baby sister ever see in this guy to marry him?

Families. Go figure. Sounds like you come from a great one, Bryant, and God bless and keep you all in its loving embraces!

Gosh Shorejim... your story makes me want to cry. I hope you are doing okay.

I just read this whole thread, and it's very touching with a lot of insight from different folks here.

Congratulations on your newfound happiness on being out to your brother, bryant. In some of your posts you talked about it being hard to come out. You've made it past the hardest part now. I think it's more scary than it is hard, and as you have found, it's liberating. The hardest part is actually before you come out; living in secrecy and deceit, lying and making up stories to keep your secret, worrying about what they'll think. Now you know (at least with your brother) that being free from that burden is much easier than living with it.

If you start a new job after graduating, that's the perfect time to come out professionally. Actually you won't have to come out if you just start out by never being in the closet. I started a new job in a new city 9 years ago with a large company, and while I never announced to anyone that I was gay, neither did I try to pretend I was straight. My partner attended company functions with me from day 1, and now I am completely openly gay along with many other people in the office. And this is in Kansas City, not New York City! I can't imagine NYC as being the kind of place that you need to be in the closet for professional reasons. I guess what I'm saying is, why spend the money on a 2-bedroom apartment if you don't have to? Just my thoughts.

Good luck on the bar exam, on moving in the the bf, and everything else!

even though i am studying for an exam on friday, i had to break away and see if anyone had responded to my posts.

you guys are just great. i mean, i was choked up all over again reading your kindhearted responses. what more can i say - your encouragement and support continue to amaze me. anyway, i got to study for this final so dont let me go on like i usually do.

post-script: the bf was all anxious about how to act when my brother called - and being my brother - he called the bf the very next day and told him to not make plans for this saturday night.

my bf was equally touched by my brother's gesture. it’s good for him too since my brother will be the first person he is truly out to. so if you see three cute guys and a hot blonde woman in soho on saturday night, dining out,i will toast you guys for providing me with the impetus and courage to begin living my life honestly.

oh and by the way, my bf agreed on the two bedroom apartment.

best to you guys as always.

bry