hey dudes,

i'm doing research on ageism in the gay
world and i wanted to get people's stories.
i am going for balance, and want to get a
bit beyond the whole trick or troll mentality
that seems to pervade discussions. if you feel
comfortable posting here, that'd be cool. or
you can email me you thoughts. i guess for a
gay man i am "middle age" 29...haha. anyhoo,
be real and give some love. jay o

29 is middle age? GOD! I hate that age has to be a factor. Why is it when I date, I get passed over for younger guys since I am not a twink and passed over for being too young? It sucks!

(I'm in an angry mood today. I do apologize. Let me get some tea and I will calm down. )

The strangest one I got was when I was told I was too young by an 18 year old kid (he dated a 67-year-old man at one time!). The youngest person he dated at the time was 31.

Then one day, he hit on me something fierce. He actually turned to someone else and said "he IS 25," which I was at the time. Color me :confused:

it is correct that 29 is middle age. and "gay menopause" sets in at 30.

having said that.... I do see a lot more ageism in the gay world (as far as pairing off goes) thanin the straight.
This is probably due to the fact that in the straight world, the men always wanna go younger but the women do not mind dating older men.

The same holds true in the gay world. But since the gay, male world consists of nothing but men... that means most everyone in the entire group will be seeking younger meat.

speaking for myself, I do not have a fetish for younger. as long as they are handsome and intelligent, I could not care less whether the man was 20 or 60.

Having said that....... I just dumped a 50 year old (not because of his age but because he's an ass) and am finding myself spending a lot of time with a 21 year old and an 18 year old. I didn't seek them out. It just happened that way.

But still, a hunky 45 year old man sets my heart racing faster than any 18 year old slob. :cool:

29 is not middle age. Age ain't nuthin' but a number. That is my mantra.

Isn't that what all the older in-denial guys say?

Uh, I learned that from Alliyah, God rest her soul.

It seems that the guys I am drawn to are a bit more older and hell of a lot sexier than guys around my age or younger. However, i have met my fair share of younger guys that are pretty sexy.

29 or 30 may just be a number. But these are very significant numbers in our community.

It's like saying "diamond? It's just a rock" wink

I think for the most part if a guy doesn't know my age, I can still pass for someone younger then I am. I don't try and I don't lie, but if the subject doesn't come up, I don't volunteer it either.

When I first became single after a LTR, I found that when I added my profile on to the usual dating sites, like gay.com that if I put my correct age on my profile, I rarely got a hit.

I decided to lie and reduce my age by 8 years and what do you know? Bing...bing..bing....

So what it taught me is that on the majority of the dating services people search for potential friends/boyfriends based on a certain age group.

I found that I got the most hits when I listed my profile age in the early 30's....anything past 34 and the hits fell off dramatically.

The more I saw of this age-mentality the more irritated I became, til' I just thought...."you know what? F*ck this, why would I want to even consider being with anyone thats gonna base their attraction to me on my age?" So, now I tell the truth.

Funny, this month I'm a featured "hottie" on gay.com...almost every e.mail I get, starts out with "...you look great FOR YOUR AGE!" I hit the delete button immediately.

NJ

I'm like you. except I list my age as 80. Yes. 80!

the people know that I'm not really that old cuz they see my pic. and therefore just see me for me and not simply an age.

Hell, I've said if I see a guy that is hot and older than me is that I want to look that hot when I am their age.

That's not bad, is it?

Why can't I just look "great" Allen?

NJ

I see where you're coming from, but one thing I'd like to point out is the possibility that someone may not be turned off by your either being too young or too old, but may be concerned that he'll have trouble relating to you either way. That's the concern I would have.

Okay, by the way I look, I guess I am perceived sometimes as younger, if I wax everything. If I don't, I get my age as older.

When I am out and about, I am perceived as older on how I handle myself. So, age really isn't an issue for me. If someone tells me I am middle age at 29, they are full of shit. Screw what the gay community says about age!

just to be clear, i don't consider
29 to be middle age. it was a joke,
albeit perhaps a reflection on our
"community."

if i am blessed to live to be older
i will be one happy older gay dude
because there will have been many
that i know who didn't make it.

where i'm from you get credit for age...

jay o

From what I've seen of my community in Omaha, the men who are over 30 are more together. What I mean is, they appear to have better bodies, better attitudes, better clothing (not everything is baggy, ripped and out of A&F) and they are able to hold a conversation about more things than what bar is doing what on which weekend.

Personally, I have always been attracted to older people. When I was doing the girl thing, they were always older. The same hold true for the boys.

Within my group of friends, I am the youngest @ 33, although most people think I'm 25-30. However, there is a 21 yr old that hangs around sometimes. He is more together than I could have dreamed of being at his age. But, I think he is a very rare exception. And, he says he will not date anyone his age because "they are too imature and want to play too many games".

Maybe that is what the ageism is about. The older we get, the less fun we are? Nothing really surprises us. And the younger we the more fun? Everything is new and exciting.

I don't know, just a thought.

What do you all think?

Well believe me, you wouldn't be the first one... wink

NJ

If ageism means that the young skinny drama queens with highlighted hair and low-riding jeans and belly shirts ignore us older folks, then I'm all for it.

I'm not in the dating scene, but I have lots of friends who are, and we frequent the gay bars of KC with them. Maybe KC is similar to Omaha in this respect, but when we go to the bigger crowded bars in KC, it seems to be the 30-35+ guys who are the "in" crowd more than the 20-ish twinks, and there are plenty of 40-50+ guys who are quite the social butterflys. It's also the 30+ guys are are more "put together" physically.

I've posted similar comments before in other threads, but I have not experienced or witnessed the least bit of ageism in my social circle. At the gay bar where we hang out and amongst our non-bar friends, the majority of us are 35 to 45, but there are a some in their 20's, several in their 50's and 60's, and a dirty old man (we love 'im for it) in his 70's. All good friends, and all good people who love to hang out with each other. Two of our best couple friends are May-December couples. One of the couples are ages 38 & 56, and the older guy has a 30-year-old straight son who hangs out in our crowd with his girlfriend.

Contrary to what ung posted, I don't see ageism as more pervasive among gay people than straight. Among straight people it is certainly more limited to women, but I don't agree with the idea that most gay men are seeking out younger people like most straight men. I think it's about 50/50.

[ February 17, 2004, 12:32 PM: Message edited by: maxallen ]

I'm sure. I'm 30, BTW.

There does seem to be a similar amount of ageism between gay men and straight women. Women don't want to tell their age; an awful lot of gay men might tell their age but will include, "but look and act younger" when describing themselves.

It is weird being almost 40, not particularly as a gay man, just as someone who's wondering what the hell happened to years 30 through 38?!! But I like being the age I am now. I look at what an awful lot of twenty-something gay men go through and boy does it seem like an awful lot of work - which club, which outfit, which hair stylist, which gym, which hair removal method...and none of really means a damn thing.
One other thing...my hair started turning white in my mid-twenties. An awful lot of gay men seemed astounded that I left it the way it was!

Jay Original, if you want a good pool to ask about ageism I suggest going into any of the larger chat rooms on gay.com. For so many posters on that board if you're over 35 you're a "grandpa." Many list the age windows from which they will only accept replies.

I know you want to move beyond "trick or troll" attitudes, but you might get some interesting answers from these guys.