My current boyfriend, who I've been seeing for about a year has asked me to move in with him because his lease is almost over and so is mine. I have always had reservations about staying with someone that I am seeing. I kinda feel that I should have a ring on my finger and that there should be a lifetime commitment expressed before I decide to live with my boyfriend. I kinda feel that he should be at "husband" status for me to move in with him.

My reservations are because I know that if we make a lifetime committment to him that there's no risk in us just breaking up over something stupid. I would hate to break up with him and have to live in the same house with him. I don't think that we are gonna break up, but something (I guess psychologically) keeps me from wanting to move in with someone without the symbolic "ring on my finger". What should I do?? Why am I so afraid of moving in with him?

Da Kid.

If you have doubts like this, don't move in together. You have to be 100% sure about your relationship. Living with someone can make them your worst enemy for life if it doesn't work out!

Celtics4Life,

What you didn't say is that he asked you to move in because you two are compatible and he believes you two can share a life together. It almost sounds as if the precipitating factor is the conclusion of current leases! Given this, it is understandable you might have "reservations."

That notwithstanding, maybe your real reservation has to do with a fear of committment? You have focused on the potential negatives rather than all of the positives that can come from the relationship.

I dated my boyfriend for about a year or more before we decided to move in together (about five years ago.) I am happy we took that step.

My suggestion: if you really love him, believe you two can have a great life together and you both want to make a lifetime committment, then, go for it! Don't wait for a ring, "symbolic" or otherwise.

Good Luck,
RanchHand

BUT!!!! If you guys haven't gotten to the point where you guys would move in together even though the leases are not up... let me clarify that sentence.

If you aren't ready to move in together, don't. Moving in prematurely just cuz it'll be cheaper and convenient is a sure way to cause problems for your relationship.

I would wait, if I were you. You can always do it later. (Won't your leased apartments become month-to-month after the leases expire?) Trust your gut feeling that something is not right.

Kid!
So are you waiting for HIM to bring out the "ring"?...are you not confident to pop the question yourself?...After almost a year of seeing this dude, you should be able to tell by now if you are compatible with this guy...and after seeing "the pics" I figured YOU were the one wearing da pants in the family...

But seriously...as my mother used to tell me, "it's time to shit or get off the pot!"...if you think that moving in is going to set you up for a break-up, you're already having doubts about the stablity of the relationship for the long run...either jump the damn broom or cut your losses now and move on...
I made a similar decision for the EXACT same reason (Leases expiring) a few years back having known the guy for only a couple months and in that amount of time, didn't really know as much about the dude as I should have...after about a year and a half living together, we called it quits and he moved out...I learned MUCH from that relationship and still value the experience in what it has taught me about relationships...(i.e.- if you're both not "getting" at home what you need..you shouldn't be together!...one of you will look elsewhere to find it....)..
Whateva your decision...GOOD LUCK! wink

Hey = If you aren't ready then DON'T- you are gonna feel pressured into ia decision if you do it now!

If you really have issues about moving in together, then don't.

But if you have fears that could actually keep you from discovering something special, you owe it to yourself to at least consider some things...

1) You've been dating for a year. I don't know about you, but to me that's a pretty long time to know someone. This may be a good opportunity to take your relationship to the next stage.

2) Living together doesn't always have to mean forever and until death do you part. Unless he's asking that you both purchase a home together, then leasing a place together isn't as big a financial investment. It might be messy if you do end up breaking up, but think of the experience you would have gained.

Kid, you never discover new things or learn more about yourself unless you're willing to take risks in life. I'm not saying go bungee jumping, but if you go into something after seriously considering all sides, then go forward and try something new. It's comfortable staying where you are, but how boring is that?

Believe it or not NFLJock-, I actually where the apron, not the pants in the relationship. His dick is even bigger than mine. But anyway, I know that he IS the one for me, but I just feel like I don't wanna pop "the question" to him and he say that he's not ready for that. If he asked me "the question" I'd be all about it. I want him to ask, but am afraid to move in with him without "the question" being given. I don't want to bring it up to him, cause I really don't want to pressure him into something that he may not be ready for. I know that he wants it, but I feel that he's nervous about asking me. It's all confusing to me.....

Da Kid.

Kid, I think Kong Sr. may be asking you for a commitment. Men in relationships are notoriously terrified about making the next step prematurely, so he may be using the pragmatic angle of "hey, look what's happened: both our rents are up" as a cover for "hey, I really love you and want to try the next step." From my experience, waiting for a ring on your finger before you cohabitate is a bad idea. It is definitely a stage in the life-commitment process; it's when the both of you realize that beyond the love and snuggling, you are ready to *try* a life together before you start buying real property together.

I'm thrilled for you, because this sounds like a great opportunity to test the relationship. Screw the careful advise many other people have put on you (though I know it was well intentioned). You CLEARLY want to move in. People don't ask strangers for advice unless they need extra support to clear the hurdle. You had a pre-established criterium for moving in with someone, and now you realize that it wasn't as cut and dry as that. If you "know he's the one" then take the plunge. If you lose, better to know now.

And I know I don't know a thing about you but what you've posted on this board. So, I could be way off and just snapping at the wind. But the way I read your first and subsequent posts, I think this is something you want to do but need to know it's ok. It's risky, absolutely. But it might REALLY pay off.

My partner drives me up the wall insane, and I love every minute with him. But it took me a good year living with him (which started already a year into the relationship) before my "knowing he was the one" actually grew into "I would like to spend the rest of my life putting up with your grumpy ass."

Good luck, man.

[ January 13, 2004, 12:29 PM: Message edited by: araanib ]

I have to agree with araanib. I think this is probably his way of saying he wants to take the next step.

I pulled a somewhat similiar maneuver on my partner, he had just lost his job, and I started spending more nights at his place that when his lease came up, I said we need a bigger place with more closets. I just kind of moved in...

After living together for a couple of years, I decided he was truly the one, and decided we should buy a house together. The year after we bought the house I finally broke down and asked him to marry me in Maui, we are going on seven years this February.

Sometimes small baby steps are the best.

My bf and I didn't move in together or two years. It wasn't that we didn't want to, we knew that eventually we would. I was the holdout. I had just broken up with the Psycho and I needed my own space. So I wanted to live by myself for a year and then we would discuss moving in together. An opportunity came up to move into a rowhouse in SW DC. I jumped at it, but this time the bf wasn't ready to move, so I had a roommate for about a year until he was ready to move in with me.

Were Kong Sr's (Thanks araanib)exact words 'hey our leases our up, lets get a place together?, or was there more to it? And the other thing, how much time do you spend at each others places now? Do you spend more time at one or the other?? Weekends here or there? Couple of nights here or at his place? My point is...are you already kind of living together?

Why don't you sit down and discuss it with him? Don't be afraid to ask loaded questions. You'll never know what he's actually thinking until you ask him. Plus, it will put you more at ease if you know there is more driving the whole move in together conversation.

Is he one of those kinds who can't put it into words? I broke my BF of that. He would never say "I love you" and wasn't very huggy, kissy, which used to irritate my mom, but that's another story. Some guys just weren't raised that way.

Well, just my two cents. Even though the bf and I have been together for almost ten years, we did recently have a big spat, but immediately cleared it up before bed, because we realized it was over something STUPID.

Dayum Kid!..With all this great advice, we all expect invites to the frickin' ceremony or at least the housewarming!...we bring killa presents!
Whateva you decide, good luck man! wink

I agree with the other posters that if you're not ready you shouldn't move in with him. It sounds like you want to commit but you're not sure if he's ready, so why don't you bring the topic up in a neutral setting and see where his head is at? You don't have to say, "I want you to marry me right now," but what about, "So we've been together for a year. Where do you think we're going? I really like you a lot, and just want to hear your thoughts about me." That way you deal with each other as boyfriends but you're not making the commitment an ultimatum.

Saying that, I must add that living with someone can bring out the best and worst aspects of their (and your) personality, so you want to be ready to deal with this too. It's not a merengue con cariño every day (or hour or minute or second). I've lived with my partner now for 15 years, we even bought a home together, and when I don't have to be away for work purposes now I love being with him, but there were times in the past when I thought, Oh my God, how did my parents and other couples do this?

My first boyfriend and I had been together 2 1/2 years when I delivered an ultimatum: we move in together or break up. We moved in together and within six months had broken up. In retrospect, we should have just broken up, but as has been mentioned, moving in together just made all our differences really, really apparent.

Celtic, you have to talk to the guy, in a blunt and clear manner. Find out his real intentions. Please don't do what I normally do, which is just assume what he's thinking. It'll make you crazy.

Also, make sure you pick a place that works for you both. The guy I moved in with and I worked on opposite sides of Los Angeles (he downtown, me in West LA) and so we got out a map and plotted where the exact middle distance between our jobs were. We groaned: West Hollywood. We didn't want to move there, but we did anyway. We found a crappy apartment that had a condo building on one side (so the bedrooms were dark at 1:00 pm) and the overhang of the building on the other (same for the living room). We panicked and took the first place we looked at and it was a major factor in our problems. Don't panic, be patient and most of all, communicate.

Good luck, it's an exciting step for you. Keep us posted.

[ January 13, 2004, 11:22 PM: Message edited by: Jim Allen ]

"Kong Sr."?!?!?! That's hilairious!!!! I guess that would make me Kong. I've decided to ask him where he feels the relationship is going and some tough questions about our relationship. I think that we will end up moving in together because I'm basically at his house more than I'm at my own. I even had my DirectTV canceled at my house becuase I don't use it. I have clothes at his house. I guess it's just nice for me to know that I still have my own place to get away to if I need it. I guess I jus needed some good advise. You all are invited to the wedding. We will be registered at Neiman Marcus and Target. We are planing to get matching wedding rings and cock rings. Wish me luck on tonite though, hopefully I'll have good news on tomorrow. Kong and Kong Sr., now that's funny.

Da Kid.

Oh, PLEASE tell me the exchange of cock rings will occur during the ceremony. If so, I want to be the photographer for that wedding!

Good luck, Kid!

Of course the exchange of cock rings will happen during the ceremony. You got any ideas on where to get them, I don't think Zales would carry those rings, or would they??

Just think the priest will be up close to all of the action.

Da Kid.

Kong,

You could try these sites:

www.mr-s-leather-fetters.com/

www.northbound.com/

Hmm, I just happened to stumble across them. wink

Just happened to stumble across them???? wink

Yea right

I didn't know you were having a Catholic wedding!

Nope, I'm not Catholic, just thought that for that situation right there a priest would be the operative religious figure for the occasion. Remember I am Da "Kid."!!

Da Kid.

In my experience, you don't have to be 100% sure. Actually, nothing is 100% sure. With that said, it doesn't sound like you, personally are ready. Sounds like your partner is though. Also, you can't legally get married in the United States so you may be waiting for a while.

You may need to reevaluate your relationship and your feelings toward your partner to see where you stand. Also make sure you communicate with him. If you're not ready, you need to tell him. Then that will give him a chance to look at what's happening and what choices, if any, he needs to make.

When I moved in with my partner, it was similar to your situation. Both of our leases were about to expire and I was spending most of my time at his place anyway. We had only been together for around 8 months when we finally made the move. Truthfully, I wasn't a 100% sure how it would turn out but one thing I new for sure. I knew that I loved him very much and I knew he loved me. We are now going on 13 years of living and loving together. Of course this is only my experience. Good luck.

He just said he wants the rock before he moves in. That doesn't sound like "not ready" to me. He's tap dancing around the issue (and Kid, I'm SO sorry to be talking about you like you won't read this) because it's a big step. I wanted a commitment too when my partner and I moved in together. But it doesn't work that way. Since 1947, a "commitment" is not final until you croak. It's a day-to-day challenge with a LOT of rewards physically and emotionally, but everything has to be continually renewed: intimacy, commonality of purpose. And I know I'm talk to people with loads more "long term" experience than I have, but I just don't see any hesitation in Kong Jr.'s posts. I see frustration that life doesn't come with a guarantee, but that is not a major flag for me. Never did he say, "I don't want to move in" or "I'm not sure about the relationship." He said, "I don't know if this step is as significant to him as I want it to be."

What do you think, Kid?

[ January 15, 2004, 10:41 AM: Message edited by: araanib ]

Well, we had the big talk last nite. He told me that he already, whether or not I knew it, has made a long term commitment with me. He explained to me that having already introduced me to his family and friends he has already, as he put it, clamped on the old ball and chain. He told me that whether we live together or not, I am his and he is mine. He says he does see us being together for a long time and that when he considers major moves in his life he always has me in mind when making his decisions. So I guess you're all invited to the wedding. We will be going to look for a place together this weekend.

Da Kid.

Sweet! You go! SEE!!! Everybody loves everybody! YAY!!!

Will the cynics please pay me the five-bucks?

Da Kid, that is outstanding!....it put a smile on my face just reading your uplifting post -- and I'm sure having "the talk" and hearing the feedback expressed that way made you ecstatic (I'm not trying to assume to know your emotions, of course)....congrats and good luck to both of you!

[ January 15, 2004, 11:44 AM: Message edited by: gamecock ]

Congrats! I'm very proud for you. Keep your wits about ya and if you have certain issues you want to talk about ... I'm always available.

Yea!!! Congrats!!! It is always great to see things work out the way you had hoped. Now you get to combine households and have 2 of everything. 2 toasters, 2 coffeemakers. I sense a garage sale in your near future.

Once again Congrats!!!

Clearly I will be the Cock-Ring Bearer.

Cool....Kong and Kong SR. living together. How sweet is that?! Congratulations!! :cool:

Can I plan the Bachelor Party????

Great news. Post some pictures here, OK?

When I marry Colin Farrell I'll pay a lot more than five bucks.

Congratulations, C4L!

Dayum Kid! You are one lucky man!
Congrats and good luck in finding a place, moving etc...must be an exciting time!
Now it's time to learn the art of "compromise" ...

Congrats, Kid, glad you were able to communicate openly with your man. Good luck with your new adventure, and taking your relationship to the next level. araanib, I think you misunderstood my post but no matter, the positive outcome is the main thing.

Thanks everybody for the cangrats and stuff. Sorry aar-, somebody's already got dibs on being the cockring bearer. You can come to the fitting though. eek! I'm really excited about it all. I really love the looks we get when we go to a place and say that we are looking for a 1-bedroom with a den. This one woman looked and said, "You two are the reason the hispanics have passed the blacks as the largest minority. Damn shame that two fine black men like you two don't have a women. Can I join you two for a threesome sometime." All 3 of us laughed hysterically. You guys are gonna have to help me plan a batchelor party. My boyfriend doesn't need one because if you recall he was a stripper when we met, so he doesn't like strippers.

Da Kid.