Hey guys,

What's up? Just joined the board. I seem to have this problem of always falling for straight men. I don't know why it is. I think it is maybe because I completely admire a straight guy who is comfortable enough with himself to hang out with gay men.

So anyway, I just wanted to say thanks to all the straight men who are supporting gay men...it is awesome to see. I'm 24 and it seems that guys who are my age and younger don't really seem to have a huge problem with gay people.

Brient

I think it's quite common for an adolescent male to have a crush on a straight guy, but for a mature adult gay male to constantly fall for straight men (beyind just admiring their looks or enjoying and being satisfied with their companionship/platonic friendship) shows that there must be some kind of emotional development problem.

The "wanting what you can't have" syndrome is common for people who don't really want a real, healthy relationship. After all, if all the guys you always like are unavailable to you somehow (whether emotionally, sexually, geographivally, monogamously, etc.), then you never have to face those bigger demons: coming out to loved ones, facing public scrutiny, fear of rejection or abandonment, compromise, commitment, growing older, etc.

But you're 24. I know guys who are in their late 30s and 40s who still fit that description, sadly.

Ditto.

You can even suffer the "falling in love" lie to yourself with gay and bisexual men.

If they are not available and motivated to be with you, then reassessment is the only healthy way to proceed.

Just think: there are enough problems with the perfect guy - don't waste time with guys that aren't available. And, it goes without saying that a LOT of straight guys bask in the attention of a woman OR MAN who is turned on by them, talks to them, goes out for drinks with them and tells them that they're great.....similar to the "fag hag".

The paradox is that being wholeheartedly what you are sexually is a space so large that you are able to include ANYONE that deserves your attention - just be clear on what the friendship is, and that it is a mutual sharing.

Hi Brient. Good to see your opinion that the younger generation is less preoccupied with sexual preference. Though I'd rather see that translate into some hard political accomplishments for the rights of gays.

Also outside of New Haven (northeast USA?) there may be widely varying levels of acceptance.

I think a lot of us here are attracted to masculine guys regardless of orientation. Would you still be attracted to a guy if you only found out later that he was gay?

I understand yelladawg's comments about wanting the unattainable being possibly unhealthy, but only if it meant NOT being open to a relationship with a guy simply because he's openly gay.

That might be getting into a self-esteem issue.

[quote]Originally posted by sportinlife:
I think a lot of us here are attracted to masculine guys regardless of orientation.

---

Hear, hear. I think one of the great myths perpetuated in the community is that being attracted to straight guys is evidence of "unhealthy" issues of "self-esteem". We are homosexual; we are attracted to men. My organs do not stop to ask whether the object of my lust is gay or straight. I know what looks good. I'm also attracted to masculinity; the majority of gay men are not masculine in the traditional sense of what that word means. For me, being homosexual is about connecting with another guy's maleness, which is difficult to do if he is wearing a dress or going all bitch-queen on me.

I suggest our young friend get involved with gay organizations that attract guys with traditionally male interests (e.g., sports & outdoors clubs).

[quote]Originally posted by RGMike:


being homosexual is about connecting with another guy's maleness, which is difficult to do if he is wearing a dress or going all bitch-queen on me.
I suggest our young friend get involved with gay organizations that attract guys with traditionally male interests (e.g., sports & outdoors clubs).

---

Exactly - I think he may be attracted to "straight acting" (masculine guys.)rather than straight men. Unless if that same hot male turned out to be gay then he would LOSE interest ??? SORRY, about using "straight-acting"- don't know how else to phrase it.

[ November 05, 2002: Message edited by: copman ]

as a young queer, i used to hanker for straight, masculine men big time - fell in love with 4 straight guys. however, i've realized that there's no dice pursuing straight men. mooning for straight dudes is a pie in the sky. i need a sex life. i just can't wank off for the rest of my life.

my gay friend always tells me...."i adore 'em, but they're straight."

copman: how 'bout straight-natured gay guy?

[ November 05, 2002: Message edited by: tzeile29 ]

I agree. It doesnt always mean emotionally unavailable. Some just have a strong preference for "straight acting."

[quote]Originally posted by tzeile29:
copman: how 'bout straight-natured gay guy?

---

Actually "masculine-acting gay guy" is more what I was lookin for. Anything with "straight" in it makes it seem that only straight guys are macho.

[quote]Originally posted by copman:


Actually "masculine-acting gay guy" is more what I was lookin for. Anything with "straight" in it makes it seem that only straight guys are macho.

---

You guys aren't hinting at Bruce Willis, are you?

[ November 06, 2002: Message edited by: bluebird48234 ]

[quote]Originally posted by copman:
"masculine-acting gay guy"

---

The acronym MAGG would be a bit off-putting for some don't you think?

Hi guys,

Thanks for all of your advice. It has helped a lot. I think part of what I'm feeling is that I like the unknown. I like speculating about someone's sexuality. I like going to the gym and wondering if a person may be gay. Or going to a restaurant and seeing a handsome waiter again wondering if he is gay. It is part of the fun. At a gay bar, there is no wondering. I also don't really want a feminine guy and a lot of the guys I see at the bars are effeminate whereas a lot of gay guys are at the straight bars hanging with their friends. So maybe joining a gay sports group may be a really great idea. Thanks guys!


Brient

I was just going to reply about getting involved with one of the TONS and TONS of local gay sports organizations. you will meet people who have all sorts of proclivities... gay, gay-friendly, str8, femme, masculine, whatever. Besides, you will meet some folks with common interests with whom you could socialize, work out, etc.
Furthermore, I know a lot of gay men who turn their masculinity and femininity off and on like a light switch depending on who is around and where they are. I certainly do that myself. Be careful that u don't judge people that u see out by how they are acting at a particular time and place. U can cut yourself off from a bunch of cool/nice people doing that. Jumping down off my soap box...

[quote]Originally posted by RGMike:


We are homosexual; we are attracted to men. My organs do not stop to ask whether the object of my lust is gay or straight. I know what looks good. I'm also attracted to masculinity; ... For me, being homosexual is about connecting with another guy's maleness, ....

---

Agreed. I get crushes on good-looking guys (many of them straight) all the time, but I know that's all they are ... crushes (or plain old lust). Actually falling in love with someone who's known to be unavailable is another matter ... not something to get all alarmed and insecure about, but futile, and a waste of time and energy.

Lust (at least, after a few pounding sessions) should ALWAYS be separated from building a life with someone.

A character traits most straight (OBVIOUSLY) don't have.

Danimal has a good point here. It's one thing to lust after straight guys, even have little crushes on them. Attractive men are attractive men and most men you meet are going to be straight. Falling in love with straight guys, however, is a very bad idea. I fell in love with a very close friend once; never again. It'll put stress on perfectly good friendships. I avoid fantasizing about friends now.

I also would never (now) approach a man who was married or had a girlfriend, even if I thought he might be bi. It's just the golden rule: if I had a bisexual lover, I wouldn't be happy to see women hitting on him.

You should definitely join a sports or political organization. If a relationship is what you are lookig for, you definitely won't find it in a gay bar or nightclub.
Men are men and I know there are times you will find many straight men attractive. Some straight men enjoy compliments, attention, and oral sex from both men and women. It feeds their Ego. It keeps them on that proverbial Ego trip.
Proceed, I ask, but proceed with caution. It is good to compliment straight men. It is good to have straight friends. It is good to give your straight friends an occasional blow job every now and then. But don't get mushy feelings for them. And don't expect anything in return.

[quote]Originally posted by sundevil43:
It is good to have straight friends. It is good to give your straight friends an occasional blow job every now and then. But don't get mushy feelings for them. And don't expect anything in return.

---

In what circumstances, exactly, sundevil43, would you offer a blow job to a heterosexual guy? It is not even my experience that a heterosexual would ASK for one (I know there exceptions, though).....

Are you including married men? I have been propositioned by a few married men, but they were almost never wanting the sex for SEXUAL REASONS - it was either to get something they wanted from me, or to get me to agree with a particular side of an argument they may have been having at the time with their wife.

(Not your problem): I have never met a guy (w/girlfriend) who took flirting beyond the "signals phase" and actually asked to share in oral sex.

Nevertheless, I am intrigued by your stance that, among trustworthy friends, a blow job can be just that; but how do you get over the feeling that the heterosexual guy is trying to have it all (and an occasional man on the side whenever it's convenient - because like you said, a guy who can have blow jobs 24/7 and a daily lunch packed for work [regardless of whether he's coupled or not] would have a very stroked ego!).


?

[ November 08, 2002: Message edited by: bluebird48234 ]

[quote]Originally posted by bluebird48234:
In what circumstances, exactly, sundevil43, would you offer a blow job to a heterosexual guy?

---

"Falling for str8 guys" has always been one of my major character flaws. Throughout high school and college, I gave oral sex to several of my "straight" friends and acquaintances, and whether they really were straight or bisexual or closeted didn't really cross my mind. Usually, for us, it came up at parties, when everyone was a little less inhibited than usual.

But you are right, Bluebird, that it can have a negative effect on your relationship, in one of several ways. Sometimes, the guy would lose respect for me, and begin to see me as just someone who would "service" him. Or, he might regret doing it, and try to avoid me altogether, or worse, mock me for being gay to distract people from his own homosexual urges. I'm not advocating for anyone to do it or not do it, but it can get messy.

EZE You are right. Things can get messy in such circumstances. I am glad you offered an example.

I know it can be SO VERY DIFFICULT when you meet men that are attractive, somewhat sensitive, and not abusive...but, I try to remember that the relationship is invariably presented as a "favor", and not anything based on mutual giving and respect.

I think MY ego needs as much stroking as I have the time and energy to give it. And servicing str8 guys (no matter how good-looking or sexy) is not my idea of self-esteem.

Most of those types of guys don't see a guy is willing to give a blow job (regardless of sexual orientation) as an equal, anyway. :mad:

I've learned my lesson for the VERY last time on this one.

[ February 11, 2003, 05:08 AM: Message edited by: bluebird48234 ]

I wish I knew why the idea of "Straight" men having gay sex is so powerful. Does any one else ever visit the sites where straight guys are seduced by gay guys or put together to have fumbling gay sex with each other (such as Dirk Yates)? I don't think I'm full of self-hatred, nor would I actually like to have sex with a guy who wasn't as turned on by me as I was by him. That said, I just find the idea of two straight men falling into each others arms fantastically erotic. Perhaps I shouldn't be making such a confession here, but my point is, it's about fantasy, not about self-hatred.

I think it's like any other fantasy ... the appeal of what's perceived to be unavailable (or even forbidden in some cases) in reality.

I think, also, that the idea of fluidity of identity excites me. I sometimes get turned on by lesbians, which could come down to the same unattainable thing, but I also think the idea of crossing boundaries, for the lesbians and for me, and transgressing is something of a kick. In which case, you could say that I'm excited about the idea that there really are no straight men, or gay men for that matter.

I've always felt, for me, it was a matter of being highly attracted to that which i felt i was not, i.e. straight, masculine, like other guys, etc. Especially while i was in college.

Problem with that theory is that even now that I am older and more secure, straight men are no less erotic in the sense we are talking about. Hmmm.

I think that it could be a matter of acceptance.

When you see Dirk Yates' guys slip into embraces usually reserved for us, it may be that we feel, "Look, THEY like it - therefore, it must really be OK and society is just against it."

- - - - -

I also think that it's a matter of a group perceived to be better, or more pure, or of a "higher caste" indulging in a pleasure that we find so satisfying. It makes us feel (although unrealistically) connected to other men, regardless of orientation: who knows, maybe we miss str8 guys sometimes...

It's almost like realizing that someone is really putting forth an effort to speak your language. No wonder we smile! We feel like Romans - in Rome, and it's the str8 guys stumbling with Italian!

[ February 12, 2003, 04:46 AM: Message edited by: bluebird48234 ]

I think another "advantage" of fantasizing about unattainable men is that there's no worry about rejection. You know you'll never come on to a straight guy, and even if you did, his rejection would be impersonal, rather than a judgement on your desirability.

Maybe, too, we pretend to "get in the game" by asking someone we feel is "questionable", and asking can be even MORE enticing, especially if the (str8!) guy has a good number of the qualities we are seeking in a guy/man [guy-man? wink ].

It's like, "I really wish you were interested/I think that you're so cool, so cool as to not hurt my feelings about anything, including an offer to go out/you won't assault me or call the police on me."

Here's to the nice str8 (ONLY, ONLY the good ones!) who have let us work through our attraction successfully without ever leading us on - I know there are at least one or two of you in every state!

But basically, the more we're willing to search in "target-rich environments (a Dr. Phil-ism)", the more likely it is that we will be successful, free of confusions, delays, delusions, and trips to the local precinct.

- - - - -

Please remember: Let's face it - EVERYONE likes to have their ego stroked (for instance, there must be guys who tell their girlfriends, "Yeah, I realize that I turn men on - but, I'm into women, exclusively."). And if you find a guy who genuinely loves all human beings, then he probably wouldn't mind being reminded that he's "got it", regardless of the source. That's got to be a pleasant way to cap off a hard day at work.

Nevertheless, where does that leave US, and how do WE manage OURSELVES?

[ February 12, 2003, 07:03 AM: Message edited by: bluebird48234 ]

I have had many attractions to straight guys over the last couple of years. This would go on for a long time & I would start having all these fantasies which of course, would never amount to anything.

It always ended up w/me then feeling lonely, rejected & feeling really bad about myself.

W/in the last 5 months or so, I have taken some steps to get my life on track & I still became attracted to some of the straight guys I meet.

I was discussing this with an older friend of mine who told me to just enjoy the friendship & if anything is going to happen, it will. Enjoy the company of the guys you like and who likes you.

One guy I liked, who knew I was gay was telling me that he got the number of the waitress who served him the night before. I felt kind of annoyed the day he told me but, I got over it really quickly. This is beacuse I am now at peace w/being gay & I have never been happier.

The twist - the person who pointed it out to me -one of the straight guys I met 5 months ago & I told him I was was gay. I'm not even sure if I had a crush on him. He's now my friend.

I don't see any problem looking at straight guys at work or off- or fantasizing about them but its like looking at unavailable Women at work for straight guys. They are UNAVAILABLE! I also feel I am as important & worthy of respect as any straight man. I am NOT dyin to get into EVERY straight man's pants (contrary to their beliefs.) Lots of them are unkempt pot bellied slugs. But there are some that have been gay accepting in the past but I would NEVER make a first move even if I was available.) I have more pride & self control than that. wink

Have you ever had a guy who claimed to be straight after you? When I was a teaching assistant several years ago, I had a former student who knew I was gay start hanging around me (at my office and in the cafeteria). He invited me to see films with him on campus, during which he would sort of snuggle up to me in the dark. He never discussed what happened afterwards, and being just out and confused myself, I would go home horney and frustrated. Eventually, I told him that it couldn't go on because he was straight and I was developing feelings for him. He insisted that he was indeed straight but that he wanted us to continue as we were. I said that it couldn't be (I think I grew a little as a result of the experience), and didn't see him anymore. What was the story?

I've had a similar experience w/a 19 year old guy who was straight. He has since moved away to Oregon - but we keep in touch via email.

I had a similiar experience. I met the guy (a fellow grad student) at the tennis club. He was a former college athlete and looked great. he was straight. I told him straight up that the reason I was looking at him was cuz he was hot.

We started playing tennis regularly and hanging out. He talked about his girls etc. he was masculine, handsome, muscular .... you get the picture.

then he told me (couple of months later) that I was his "soulmate" (his words not mine) and that he loved me. BUT!!! He insisted he was straight.
I told him I felt the same. (except the being straight part)

well fast forward a year and half and many very awkward moments, tense discussions, sleeping together, out of town trips, confrontations etc etc. I decided to not have anything to do with him until he figured himself out.

The last encounter I had was when he ran into me at a restaurant. He came up to me carrying my take-out order and said "Hi"

I just said "hi" back and walked out. he followed me out in the rain and just stood in the rain watching me drive off. I swear to God this scene really happened and not something I saw on a Lifetime Channel movie.

Last thing I heard was he got engaged to his girlfriend.

So it's probably best for the both of us. But God he was hot!! and what a butt!!

[ February 13, 2003, 10:25 AM: Message edited by: ung ]

Exactly!

Besides ... if 90+% of men are straight (could be more, could be less, nobody really knows, so let's just pick a number for the sake of discussion), then logically 90+% of good-looking men are probably straight, give or take a few percentage points. And of those who are gay, many are unavailable for other reasons ("taken" or just not attracted to a particular man who's attracted to him).

Anyway, if I could really "have" every man I've ever "wanted" (however briefly), I wouldn't know what to do with them all. Who would?? And they all have "baggage" when you get past the looks. Bottom line: Just enjoy the view!

Three years ago, I met this straight guy (a coworker) who was in and out of this relationship with his then-girlfriend. Something clicked between us (totally plutonic) and we just immediately hit it off. At the time, he was not aware of my sexuality and I totally question his sexual orientation.

I absolutely fell in love with this person because I had never cliqued with anyone like this before (gay or straight). We just had so much in common. We both enjoyed sports, the same taste in music and film, we were both experts at pop culture and other useless trivia, same sense of humor, etc. I mean, he would start a sentence and I would finish it and vice versa.

I found myself getting extremely jealous and possessive of this person, especially when he would call me to talk about his "on again, off again" relationship with his girlfriend. I tried to be objective in giving him advice about his girlfriend, but there were times when my personal feelings would be revealed. I would tell him that she doesn't appreciate what a great guy he is, she doesn't value the relationship, and so on and so forth. Needless to say, it did not take long for him to figure out that I was interested in being more than just his friend. (he also inquired about my sexual orientation by asking some mutual friends who confirmed it). He confronted me one day out the blue and said these exact words, " I know more about you than you think I know". I knew exactly what he was getting at. We talked for hours over the next few day upon which time I finally revealed that I had deep feelings for him.

I hope this is not a disappointment to you guys (even though it was for me at time), but he told me that he was totally straight and that nothing could or would ever happen between us, however, he valued me as his best friend and did not want to lose that. I agreed and it took a while for me to get over the fact that I would never have an intimate relationship with this person. However, time heals... Fast forward three years later, I was the best man at his wedding and will be Godfather to his daughter. I can't imagine ever jeopardizing our friendship.

BRIENT, BABY - NYC IS 1.5 HOURS
& $23 ROUNDTRIP AWAY BY TRAIN.
THEY HAVE THE HOTTEST MEN IN THE
WORLD THERE WHO ACT "STRAIGHT"
WHO WORK CONSTRUCTION, WALL STREET,
PRACTICE LAW, ACT, AND MODEL. OH
TASTE AND SEE THAT THE APPLE IS GOOD!

on that note,
i used to chase after str8 boys.
but i think i lived for the chase.
i'd just ask someone out on the
street and they'd be impressed or
flattered, especially if you say
something like "don't hit me for
saying this, but i think you're
f*cking hot." half the time, that
line would get them regardless of
their orientation. i think a lot
of straight men have depth and
wish to explore their sexuality
just like anyone else. so doing a
guy once may be on the list, along
with a three-some and mile high club.

but when i stopped wanting cherry ass
and actually some lovin', i had to turn
to my gay and bisexual brothers. str8
boys aren't good if you want the real.

i think i'd lose respect for myself if
i gave head to str8 friends and they never
went down on me. isn't that supposed to
be rude? to each their own, i guess...

jay o

Hot4Jocks - that's a really good story.

As I had mentioned earlier, we may hang out w/some straight guys for obvious reasons and when it doesn't turn out the way we like, sure we'll be depressed for a while but in the end, you have a new friend, possibly for life.

Good For You

[ February 14, 2003, 07:47 AM: Message edited by: kiperoni ]

Thanks, Kiperoni. I mean, don't get me wrong, I still find str8 guys extremely appealing and get off on that "forbidden fruit" phenomenon, however, I think I have a better perspective now as opposed to three years ago.

A lot of other poeple's expreiences really clarified this issue for me. I believe that if I had made the first move, which I rarely if ever do, I could have had my guy for one time, but a long-term relationship was out of the question. I've also had horney "creepy finger" experiences with friends when I was younger that could have gone further if I hadn't been a chickenshit. I think that many straight men would explore a little with a guy given the chance. Hell, I've had plenty of straight sex, even though I consider myself to be gay.

this continues to be an issue for me it seems; the last three guys I have "liked" have appeared to be not gay, and of course, I have been frustruated by this. I feel like I get intrigued by any male that shows me interest, which I think is due to an absent father in my early years, not to be construed as a logical reasoning for any of the rest of you.

Nonetheless, these last three guys, I have been thouroughly confused by. the first joined in a discussion at my workplace between a couple of girls who were whimsically theorizing on whom they knew at work would never have sex with one of their own gender. I joined in a few minutes later and was suprised to find him suggesting that he might have sex with another guy. HUH? it was like he was coming out, but not. Yeah, he's attractive, and still I'm not losing any sleep over it (especially due to the fact he's an indirect supervisor) but damn, I would love to get him in the sack. (sex is sex)

so, whatever. I clearly have some patterns of behavior that need changing, but it doesn't appear to be an easy matter.

You're right, Jay. I'm the first to admit that "servicing" guys like this is pretty demeaning. Like you said, everyone's different, and I'm sure there are some "blow job queens" out there who are quite happy giving head with no reciprocation to gay or straight guys. But for me, no matter how hot I thought it was at the time, I always felt pretty shitty about it later, even if the guy was totally cool about it. And that's to say nothing of the guys who were jerks about it, or who looked down on me afterwards.

Been there, done that - SEVERAL TIMES (the "horse" didn't acutally die, so I had to keep beating it eek! ).

Good luck, smrobbins65.

It's a hard road; but one day, when you crave yourself as much you have these other guys - and, occasionally you take yourself out for dinner and a movie (some continuing education might not be such a bad idea, either)...you'll be in a different place altogether.

[ February 20, 2003, 09:22 AM: Message edited by: bluebird48234 ]

I can't run fast enough away from guys like that. And I need to add some more sprints to my routine - just for the practice! wink

I am SO thankful that I've learned to spot these guys before any talk gets beyond the professional/social.

It's like anything's OK (especially for them) until they don't need you anymore. Fix: complete! Abort toy boy!

I was beginning to wonder who was the more mentally challenged: me, for spending more than 1.07 minutes with them, or them for savoring the painful torture they KNOW they're inflicting (BTW, I never did go for the "I'm-just-figuring things-out" type).

[ February 20, 2003, 11:18 AM: Message edited by: bluebird48234 ]

The last encounter I had was when he ran into me at a restaurant. He came up to me carrying my take-out order and said "Hi"

I just said "hi" back and walked out. he followed me out in the rain and just stood in the rain watching me drive off. I swear to God this scene really happened and not something I saw on a Lifetime Channel movie.

Last thing I heard was he got engaged to his girlfriend.

So it's probably best for the both of us. But God he was hot!! and what a butt!!


OH MY GOD--pass the hankies!

I know I know. Like I said. It's like something you see on Lifetime.

But no hankies.....I'm sure both of us are happier

As Bruce Willis has said: "[You] came away relatively unscathed."

In another thread, Eric Swanson posted

I've got a problem that's driving me crazy, and I thought this might be a good place to find some advice. What do you do when you find yourself falling for a straight guy?

I have a bad habit of developing crushes on my hot straight coworkers - some of whom know I'm gay -even though I know a relationship is out of the question. I can't avoid them altogether, as we work side by side every day, and I'm reluctant to stop spending time with them because some of them are really good friends. So what should I do?

I suspect this is a fairly common phenomenon in the gay community, and I'm anxious to read what other people have to say. Any insights?

P.S. Best wishes to everyone for a safe and happy holiday season.

I wonder if M1 has a boyfriend now, or wants one. I would guess not because you keep playing your cards in the wrong game. I know, I spent too many years doing it and wondering why I didn't have a boyfriend--it was because I kept chasing straight boys. Now it's good to have straight friends, but at some point you have to ask yourself what it is that you REALLY want. Chasing straight boys is very self-defeating. I hope the frustration is manageable.

Hi Eric. I can definitely relate to what you're going through, even though I only had two major crushes on straight guys. One was one of my students when I was a grad assistant. That crush lasted about a year. The other was a friend of a friend when I was in my earlier thirties, and that lasted over two years. Neither knew I had a crush on them, but it was definitely a lot of wasted time. I actually met the second guy this past summer after not seeing him for over three years, and told him I was gay, which he clearly did not know, but I kept the past crush to myself.

What seemed to help was that I got myself out more in the gay community, so I would at least have a possibility of falling for a gay guy. Hopefully that's a possibility for you in KS. So after all this time, I do have a bf, and thankfully, he's not straight. That's not to say I can't fall for a straight guy again, but I'm confident that I can nip it in the bud this time.

Good luck!

Thanks for your insights, Pat. I keep reminding myself that a relationship with either of the co-workers I've developed crushes on is never going to happen — but it's difficult to shut the fantasizing part of my brain off once it gets going.

I guess my next question is: Once you've developed a crush on someone who turns out to be unavailable, what do you do to get over it?