I'm heading back to Denver for an early Thanksgiving next week, and I'm a little anxious. Here's why:

Although I love my family dearly, they tend to get on my nerves after a few days (and I'm sure they feel the same way about me.) Does anyone else ever feel this way, and what do you do to solve the problem? I try to avoid unpleasantness whenever possible, especially over trivial matters, but I'm not always successful.

I really want to make this a happy holiday as much as possible, so any hints or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks, and happy Thanksgiving in advance!

Don't know what you're talking about! My family is perfect. We never argue.

Totally normal. My family has all sorts of control issues that flair up whenever we're together. I try to look out for those sorts of things, and realize they're there, so I don't get too worked up over them, and still enjoy myself. It is awfully nice, tho, to not have to spend the holidays with the family...Being in retail, I'm stuck in South Florida, and we have our own celebrations with our "family" down here.

I am an old hat at family visits. I probably have it worse than most any of you. My dad takes control needs to knew heights. I no longer stay with him because he is too much of a control freak to let anyone clean the house and he would never throw anything away. My mom is in assisted living having suffered a severe stroke four years ago and can no longer use speech as a form of communication. (Although she has no trouble using other forms.)

I visit them about once every 4 to 6 weeks and they would be happy if I moved and was always around. The trick is to give what you can and not more than you can. Make sure your visits are mixed with great outdoor activities or cultural venues that allow you to escape from their world to yours. It seems to me that Denver is a great place to take advantage of that. Remember to schedule a few hours, or more, a day for something you really love to do. Explore places you haven’t been. Visits are so much better when they see you as a breath of fresh air in their life.

My parents love me as I am sure yours do as well. I have completely adapted to my mom’s limitation but my dad is another story. I have the kind of dad most gay men wish they had, but therein lies the challenge. If I am not careful he will try to pull me into his dark, angry, pessimistic world. The only way I can help them is not to let it happen even if it means I have to limit my number of visits.

Oh and one last thing. They won't change so give up trying. In fact give up being bothered by it. Good luck!

I'm driving up to Seattle to spend Thanksgiving with my sister and her newly minted fiance'

it's a 12 hour drive but I haven't seen my sister in a couple of years but we talk regularly

I'm heavily medicated so family gathers aren't a problem for me

I'm heading to Los Angeles for Thanksgiving week and back to Ohio for Christmas week. It's fun saving two weeks vacation until the end of the year but boy does it piss off your boss.

Looking forward to LA immensely. Lots of old, er, long-acquainted friends I haven't seen in a couple of years. We'll probably go down and hit the Boom in Laguna on one of those nights. Just for old time's sake.

Christmas in Ohio will be very nice this year because we've had some close calls in the family (including my younger brother) but we'll all be around for the festivities at least one more year.

My family used to get on my nerves when I was so desperate to be loved for who I am and they just didn't get me. But now I've found out that the trouble was not that I needed to be around people who loved me for me, I simply needed to be around people that I loved. I have nieces and nephews that are out of this world. The rest of the family is a'ight.

If you are having trouble with the whole get-together maybe pick a niece or nephew or someone you don't know too well and really get to know them. Spend some extra time with that one person and maybe you won't be so overwhelmed with the whole crew.

I have a 16 year old niece whose birthday was last month and she wanted CD's. I asked her which ones and she said, "Surprise me." I said, "How am I supposed to know what music a 16-year old girl likes?" and she said, "Uncle Hal, you ARE a 16 year-old girl!" That made my day. They finally get me now.

Eric...I'd advise you to just put on a happy face and follow the old expression that if you don't have something nice to say, don't say it at all. Take advantage of space in the house that is rather empty and if you can grab one or two people to get out of the house who don't really get on your nerves to go shopping...do that.

I'm spending Thanksgiving with my cousin who has been married for about 10 years but is spending her first Thanksgiving with her husband. She was a dancer and was always off for the holidays doing some show. This is the much more low key side of the family which I actually don't mind. My cousin married a white guy which I have no problem with but this will be the first holiday I spend with them and his family, and usually our get togethers for barbecues and things are fine but we stay clear of any deep talk about politics and stuff and I like talking about that stuff. Its probably a good thing because I'm very opinionated. I believe her husband's family are Democrats but I'm not really sure since we never talk about politics. Look...as long as I have a tv to watch football I'm fine. The day after Thanksgiving though...SHOPPING SPREE AT SHORT HILLS MALL!!!!! I can't wait.

I think I can empathize with your fears, Eric. In 2005, I went to visit my brother and his family down in Ft. Lauderdale. My mom came in from Israel, and it was the first time I had seen her since she moved the previous August. Suffice it to say, that trip was disastrous. I ended up leaving early and had to take a bus back to Pittsburgh...another journey in and of itself.

I will now be visiting my parents in Israel for two weeks in December. I haven't been to Israel since I was 12...that's been twelve years! Along with the usual anxiety (a long flight), I have to anticipate how my parents and I will co-exist. I am no longer Orthodox, and my lifestyle has dramatically changed. But, I still want to go....I don't get many opportunities to take a free trip to Israel. Also, the dynamic of our relationship is no longer the same, as I have matured. I don't know how to explain "gay" to some of my siblings (their husbands are Hassidic Jews who have lived in Israel), but I don't think it will be a problem.

My point is (and I DO have one), that you just have to enjoy the trip for what it is...a trip. Like Maddog and others have posted, you're not going to change them. Who knows how many other visits you guys will have? Don't go in anticipating a battle, because that automatically puts you on defense. If an unpleasant topic is brought up, ask yourself if it's worth discussing right then and there, or if it can wait. Also, if something upsetting happens, take some cool-off time, and then discuss it. In addition, if your family is amenable, you should establish some ground rules beforehand, i.e., don't talk about sex during dinner, etc. Use your judgement. Anyway, I hope you have a great trip. Feel free to post if you have any other questions, and please let us know how it went!

And Maddog....LOL at your niece's comment. I'll make sure to buy you the next Christina Aguilera CD for your b-day .

LOL...that was one of the three she got!

Well, when the hell ELSE are you supposed to talk about sex???

I have to laugh, 'cause we were really open about talking about it when I was growing up (since none of us were getting any...) , and that's where we always talked about it!
Pretty progressive for a bunch of Baptists!

I have the same dilemma w/ my family. The live here in LA, but at least, if not more than, 15 miles away (that's intentional on my part, of course). I do love them , but boy they can get on my nerves after a while, especially during the holidays. I was ok when I was single. I had figured out my boundaries w/ them & how much dosage I could take of them at one time (especially all at once). Now, however, I'm married & my bf LOVES spending time w/ them. The reason for that is that my bf grew up in the foster care system so this is the 1st time he's actually had a "family" that he feels he belongs to. Needless to say we have come to a compromise about spending time w/ them--not too much & not too lil.

I really shouldn't complain about them since they're so cool about my being gay & they absolutely love my bf. And to see him in interaction w/ them puts a smile on my face. You can sense that he's thinking to himself, So this is what a close-knit family feels like. And really it's only when current event topics arise & that's when it can get heated cuz we're all opinionated. Usually if it gets too heated then I walk away or if it's about that time to leave then that's when I make my exit.

W/ all that said, here's my advice: It's really about learning & understanding what it is about them that gets on your nerves & what are your boundaries. Once you understand those things then it's easy to decide what you should do: stick around or exit when the time is right.

Good advice, and that's great that your bf and family get along so well. Mine do as well, but it took my father 12 years to come around...

Thanks to everyone who replied to my question. You gave some great common-sensical advice, and I took notes to help me remember it.

I'll have access to a car while I'm in Denver, so getting away if things get too tense shouldn't be a problem this year.

Have a great day!

Eric, you could go from visiting your family to my situation. I'm spending Thanksgiving weekend with the B/f's sister and husband down in Orange County (San Clemente, I believe). He keeps assuring me that everything will be OK. I have my doubts about that, however. Thus, I would gladly trade situations, since I have NO idea what to expect here.

Falcon

I am curious. If their Orthodox, and you're not, will they still talk to you? ANd what about the Hassidic side? Are they going to acknowledge a fegeleh? (is that the right word? ).
I only ask because I have the video "Trembling before God", and most of the Orthodox Jewish men in that video were cast out when their families found out they were gay.

Sorry for the delay of this response. Work and school have kept me swamped! To answer your question, Sim, my parents know I'm gay and that I am no longer Orthodox...they're the ones who bought me the ticket! (As a side note: my mother grew up secular and went to Woodstock, marched in war protests, and played guitar for one of our Vice-President's wives...I forget which one). We talk almost every day, and sometimes twice a day. Is our relationship perfect? No...but there is certainly a dramatic improvement.

As for the Hassidic contingent, I don't plan on discussing my sexual preference with them, because it would be too complicated to explain. I also do not think they will have a problem with the fact that I'm irreligious; my younger brother is also irreligious and they treat him just like that....as a brother. But the rest of my sibs are fine with it....it's almost a non-issue. If I were to settle down and find a mate, I don't know how they would respond, but I'll cross that bridge when I get there. How does your family deal with it, Sim?

P.S. Isn't Rob Blake from Simcoe? Just wondering if you knew him....

P.S.S "Fegeleh" is indeed the correct term. Muy bien!

See if you can find a local gym that has daily rates. I also find it helps to relieve stress of a family visit if I can go move around some heavy objects for an hour or so.

Families and holidays... cripes, it's a tragedy that practically writes itself.

I am so different from my family, I don't even think we speak the same language. My family is very utilitarian around the holidays: setting the table with china or making something homemade is just not done. Why bake Christmas cookies when you can buy a huge tray of shrink-wrapped, not-found-in-nature-colored cookies at Wal-Mart for $6.99? I often feel put out by the holidays, like I spent how many hours in gridlocked traffic between Boston and New Jersey for this?! Needless to say, holidays are a stressful time.

I live close enough to my family and have a busy-enough life that I can make up excuses why I can only stay one day around the holidays, so I normally can't use the advice I am about to give, but... I'd suggest getting out of the house and away from you family for a couple of hours each day. Just go for a walk, look up old friends, sit on a park bench. Someone suggested going to a local gym. I'd also suggest doing a kind of touristy thing in your family's home city -- don't tell them what you're doing, tell them you just need to do some personal errands for a couple of hours, then go to the local museum or sit in a cafe with the newspaper. Do whatever you need to do to take control of your setting, reduce the stress and relax. If that fails, Jack Daniels works in a pinch.

Maybe if you eat enough turkey the tryptophan(sp?) will resolve any stressful feelings!

I got back from Denver today and am pleased to report that everything went well - much better than I'd anticipated. Working out at the local gym was extremely helpful in relieving my tension, and it went a long way toward making things less stressful. (The only major problem on the whole trip was that my wallet was lost or stolen at the gym last night, but that was no one's fault but my own.)

Again, thanks for all the helpful suggestions. They made this Thanksgiving a lot better.

Now if I can apply the same lessons to Christmas .....

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

The best way to deal with annoying family members is to simply not have any.

Failing that, you've got to learn the dying art of yelling, "God damn it!" at the top of your lungs. If you can throw and/or break something on the "damn it" part, so much the better.

It's remarkably effective. Try it, you've got 6 weeks till Christmas.

My sister and her husband will be hosting dinner at their house.She is an exceptional cook and I will really have to show some restraint! We all basically get along but we are not kids anymore.I am the youngest and I'm 45.

Thus far, every worry I had about encountering the B/f's family has been completely unfounded. I'm having a great time this week and enjoying the change of scenery from Central California to sunny, warm, gorgeous Orange County. I was worried largely over nothing. The B/f's sister is terrific and a fabulous cook, while her husband is as big a UCLA nut as I am. My Thanksgiving wish has come true and I'm thankful that things here have gone over like 10 kegs of beer at a busy frat party.

Appropriate for this thread.

our Thanksgiving here was a while ago, but i find the topic to be interesting.

I find it real hard as a gay man to go through holidays. I live in an area where everything is VERY family oriented. Social life in the Ottawa region is pretty non-existent.

Last Xmas, i spent the day on my own, and i expect it to be the same this year..

Most of the friends i have are straight, so they all have their families and kids.

I guess that's when i think being gay isn't that great, but eh.

Are you planning on moving,Steff?

Hey Steff:

Just wanted to give you a warm welcome to the board and hope you post regularly!

nah

Until a couple of years ago, I used to spend every Christmas in Ottawa, (I was born and raised there). After my parents died, I would spend it with my sister. The past couple of years, my hubby and I have spent it at home. Nice and quiet. This year, we're spending it at the cottage, (north of Ottawa in Val-Des-Monts). Now that we have figured out how to keep the water pipe thawed, it should be fun. I'll be doing 2 trips, as I told hubby that I want the Christmas tree set up in the cottage. It's a 5.5 hour drive each way for me, but it's worth it.
We might even go skating on the canal if it's open, and New Years Eve on Parliament Hill, followed by a couple of hours at the Center Town pub, should be a fun night.

Val des Monts is real nice.. a family member has a house on Lac St-Pierre. I love going there. It's where i'll also spend Xmas eve.

I just wanted to pass along a Happy Thanksgiving to all the American posters on this board. May you eat too much, stay awake for every game, and have no leftovers.

I was thinking how frustrating family can be on thanksgiving, and this occoured to me. As much as you want to either run screaming from the house, or scream into a bottle, remember that family will not be there forever. In my home, during thanksgiving or Christmas, there are always 2 less seats at the table than I wish for. As much I as used to tease my mom about how dry her turkey was, or how everything else was boiled to mush (she was British), to me, that woule be preferable to not having them there.

So when your parents, or siblings critisize (which they will for the most part), just tell them you love them, and you want to enjoy the years that you have left with them.

That will make your mom cry, your dad choke up, and will guilt them into being quiet.

Happy Turkey Day

Many moons and another professional lifetime ago, I spent 6 months as an intern at the Canadian Conservation Institute located at Innes Road, Ottawa. Lived on Argyle Avenue just off Elgin Street. I still have intermittent contact with some of the conservation scientists I worked with. Turned 21 while in Ottawa (still a bone of contention with my family as I never had a party when I returned to Australia). Still remember fondly drunken evenings at festivals at Major's Hill park. Left before the canal froze, so didn't do the skating. However, been meaning to return with my partner for a long time now - for old time sake, perhaps over the Christmas/New Year period. Still remember it fondly.

In stating my Thanksgiving wishes, I actually got the B/f choked up, especially after having gotten the call last week from him that he was in a car accident. Yes, nothing lasts forever and it will all be gone one day. I reminded him of this and we really connected tonight in a way that has long been absent. (No, it wasn't great sex either! )

I sit here on my computer while he sleeps away, thanking him silently for introducing me to his family. It was pretty brave of him, considering that meeting his parents (who are deep Republicans) was the biggest step he took me through. Yes, having to worry about one's own family is touching and worrying about my significant other's family really helped to cement our own bond. May everyone else in a similar situation have as great an experience as I've had thus far this week!

Awwww!

(And I mean that w/ the mostest sincerity).

One holiday down and one more to go. Who's up for a good game of spin the empty eggnog carton?

Happy Holidays all!

And especially to those gay athletes yanked from their homes and tossed into a straight and narrow world where conformity is considered the only team value.

You too are cool. And one day you'll rule! Until then, be fabulous in your own small way!

WOW! Only 3 weeks till Christmas eve.Time flies,baby!

Okay here is a cut and paste unedited of what my mother emailed to me describing what my 10 days in Ohio, My VACATION will encompass... sigh...

Alyssa has a 10am game at White Oak on Saturday the 16th which we don't expect you to go to. Chelsea has a piano recital at 6:30pm which we do expect you to go to. Chris has a band concert Sunday the 17th at 3pm and Alyssa's family thing is at 4pm. Monday Chris has a game at home at 5, Tuesday Alyssa has a game at Zane Trace, Wednesday Chris has a game at Miami Trace and Thursday Alyssa has a game at Clinton Massie. Chelsea will also be singing on Monday at the School Board meeting with the Eastside Choir. We will have Christmas at Chuck's on Saturday the 23rd. Don't have a start time yet. Mary Lee said that Dustin could be here. The only other thing at this point is that Chris has basketball practice from 2-4. So we should basically have all day and night. Talk to you later, Love, Mom

Can someone help me? Anyone? Please?

Gee, Maddog, shame about that severe flu you just came down with. You know, the one that lasts four weeks and requires completely bed rest and isolation? RIGHT?

ES, been so busy I haven't swung by this site in forever. Shame - I could've offered you an easy out if you needed one.

LXN

Thanks Lex and welcome back!

I've actually negotiated a flex schedule and have agreed in theory to attend at least one of Alyssa's games, one of Chris' games and one of Chelsea's performances. If I stick to this agreement, I get to stay part of the family and enjoy Christmas dinner with them. It seems fair on the surface but my lawyers are mulling it over as we speak. I don't want to be surprised by any loopholes.

Maddog,

I don't know what it is about family members w/ kids that want to obligate others to attend their childrens extra curricular activities. Sometimes my sisters try to do the same thing to me, but they now know better. Every once in a while I will attend something, but usually not....

I often wonder if it's cuz I don't have kids & I can't relate. Perhaps if I had kids I'd understand this a bit more. But then again I certainly don't think I'd guilt trip a family member or say, "You're gonna go to this event" if I did have kids. I would hope that if I did have kids I would simply say, "You're welcome to come."

Maddog

I was chuckling about it, and then re-read it and the line "which we do expect you to" hit me.

I'm not sure if it's too late for this year, but maybe for next year, take the xmas gifts at thanksgiving, and then book a Christmas cruise. There are lots of websites that sell last minute cruises for up to 80% off. And if they really want to call you on the boat, they're gonna pay $16.00 per minute (or something equally as ridiculous), and you can always use the crinkling paper ruse to end the conversation early. And you can do it with a drink in your hand, even if it is 7:00AM

Maddog: Your plight reminded me of why I'm so glad my brother is not married and has no children!

For what it's worth, I think negotiating a flex schedule where you've agreed to attend some of the events is probably the smartest — and least insanity-inducing — idea. This way, you've held up your end of the bargain, which should in theory make the family a little bit more accommodating when you need some "me time." It sounds as though you've found a common-sensical, adult solution to this problem.

I just hope your lawyers don't find any loopholes!

LOL....thanks for all the advice guys and in all honesty, I love my nieces and nephews and I want to attend some of the events. It's just the expectedness that stresses me out. I'm really looking forward to going home. I stay with my friend Jeff (who lives alone) so I'll have plenty of me time when I need it.

The youngest of the bunch Chelsea and I are kindred spirits. She's 9 and she plays classical piano and in softball she has a 50 MPH underhand fastball. College scouts have been calling my brother all summer. At 7 she filled an entire notebook with a story about the Booger family that lives in her brain. Longhand and phonetically, but easily 5000 words. She really is amazing. Oh and she hates boys.

Be very, very happy and grateful.

Although I will be going home for Christmas this year for the first time in over 15 years; my father just informed me he would prefer it if Iain and I 'found something else to do' on Christmas Eve so that he can spend it with my sisters and their families (ultra conservative Christians who want nothing to do with me, and refused to attend our union). He believes this is the best way to be fair to all his children.

Iain is insisting that I cool off for 48 hours before replying (I threw, and smashed, a wooden bowl full of fruit).

R

I'm sorry Rob,

If I was in a relationship and wanted to bring him along, it would definitely be awkward but we'd all muddle through. It's amazing how some people can afford the luxury of being so closed to other family members. We simply can't afford it in my family. We all need each other. Too many tough times.

I wish you and Iain the best.

While I understand your anger Rob, your dad is also in a difficult position. If I recall correctly he did attend your marriage which was a big step for him. Sounds like he is trying to find a way to have a relationship with all of his children. Unfortunately it seems as if your siblings ( who obviously have a limited grasp of Christianity....missing the honour thy father commandment at the very least) can make life just as difficult for him as they do for you. You may want to cut him some slack and re-direct your anger at your sisters. Hope you cut the sisters out of the will by now.

Thank you.

It's odd, but in an odd way I am really not angry for me - somehow its more like I am angry because they would treat Iain this way.

Things that I used to shrug off with an angry thought, now piss me totally the hell off.

Makes me want to go make a really big - LOUD - scene; and yes I know it would be counter productive.

I am beginning to think that is the night when I should invite my cousins (who like Iain) to dinner and a really BIG party and give out some OUTRAGEOUS gifts.

R

Now that sounds like an absolutely perfect response!!! Then tell the sisters that the money you would have spent on their gifts, which you are sure they wouldnt want because your gay, has been donated in their names to AmFar or some other gay related charity.

You go Oprah! Give everyone a car!