My partner has a 9-yr who stays with us several nights a week. She's a great kid -- really affectionate and bright and conversant. It's easy to love her.

However, when she is with us my partner becomes a different person, who's only focus is his daughter. He will sleep in the bedroom adjacent to hers rather than in our bedroom -- "just in case she wakes up and needs him," which doesn't happen. I must whisper in the morning so not to disturb her sleep, but if I turn in early they are free to shout and scream uproariously (this does happen). Traveling together feels like one indulgence after another where she is concerned, and it has led to conflict when I've voiced any objections. These are just a few examples of how things are turned upside down (IMO) several days each week. I decided a year ago to accept this, knowing that effective parenting requires time. It's a crucial role, and I respect him for honoring that. On the other hand, I believe it is equally important to build a loving (and lasting?) relationship with one's mate. The two roles need not be mutually exclusive. In my case I do not feel that my partner is capable of seeing things from my perspective. When I've broached the subject in the past it hasn't gone well, and I'm somewhat gun-shy.

Like him, I was married for nearly 20 years. My context may be skewed. My ex-wife and I always made time for one another, always considered the other when making decisions about our kids. Our daughters' needs for attention did not overshadow our efforts to pay attention to one another. I can honestly say that I never felt conflicted about how things worked. I know those relationships frame my view of this current relationship -- rightly or wrongly.

I need help sorting it out.

I would love to talk with anyone who finds himself in a similar situation. Please send me a PM or email at erichardy63@yahoo.com even if you do not post a reply in this forum.

Thanks!

Wow! While I'm not anywhere near in a similar situation, I do know much about my own relationship and the basic is the same in virtually any real relationship: communication.

Talk with your partner about your concerns. Try your best not to be too emotional. Writing them down and seeing them in print helped me to get out my concerns with the B/f and still does today. It just helps to iron out things that do concern you from the things that you have in common. I'm sure you can find common ground, like how much you enjoy seeing him happy with his daughter and how that makes you happy in return.

Hopefully, that gives you a starting point, EricNC. You have all my best wishes going with you.

I agree with UCLA. Communication is critical....and I too wish you all the luck in the world. Good luck.

Eric,
My partner and I have been raising my daughter for the last 11 years. At first, I tried the other room thing (it didn't work for long, he wouldn't let it). I think some of what you are dealing with is a guilt on his part. It most likely is from the divorce from her mom. And, as long as he feels that guilt and does nothing to get over it, you will continue to have the problems you currently have.

Have you tried to talk to him about his feelings of letting his daughter down? For me, that's what helped me. I had to actually realize that I was overcompensating for breaking up her home.

Does she now play on him doing and giving her everything?

Great perspective on the matter, wais12. This is helpful. I agree that guilt must play a HUGE role in the situation. I wasn't around when he and his exwife separated. While they were able to stay quite close through the separation, I know it was gut-wrenching for them. And it is quite plausible that my partner expresses his guilt by overindulging his daughter.

Does she play him? Maybe. But he calls her out on it, usually. It's a very delicate matter, and I'd like to know more about your process of letting go of that damned guilt. How did that go for you?

I took advice from previous posters also (thank you!) and we discussed the matter at length last week. I was fearful the conversation might take a negative turn. I didn't allow my emotions to control me, and neither did he.

Was the matter resolved? I'd say that it remains a work-in-progress for us.

As a dad myself, I think you should stay out of his relationship with his child. Nothing you've described sounds harmful or illegal. That's just how they do things. I have never involved my kid in any of my relationships, because I never wanted a scenario like you have described. For you to psychoanalyze why he interacts with his child as he does is rather insulting and will ultimately undermine your relationship. You don't have standing to comment on what he does with his child. If I were you, I'd not stay there when the kid is there, and develop other interests and activities that you can pursue when you are apart. It doesn't have to be hostile or angry, and I would communicate it with respect for his father/child relationship.

Dad here too.....Whether it's gay or straight, "step" parents have a complicated role to play, so basically I think you need to take this all in stride. I'd say that unless he asks, you ought not offer any advice about how your partner is raising his kid. On the other hand, if there is something REALLY important that is effecting your relationship with him, you have the right to bring it up, but do it in as non-threatening a manner as possible...

Also good points, guys.

SFTom, I respect your decision to not "involve your kid in any of your relationships," but that is not how we work it. My own daughters (who are 19 and 21) talk with my partner often and like him very much. I don't think I could separate the two worlds. Assimilating all aspects of our lives is refreshing after a couple decades of compartmentalizing everything. I invite his opinion on the matters that affect my daughters.

My partner is even more direct about my involvement in his daughter's life. He says that she has 3 adults caring for her (his exwife is not in a relationship). I feel a responsibility -- shaded by some reluctance -- to chime in on the bad as well as the good that I see.

So while it works best for you to keep b/f's and kid separate, it works best for us to mix it up.

You other suggestion about time apart is helpful. We have two residences, but spend almost all our time together. I've encouraged him to take vacations alone with his daughter, but he insists that a "family" vacation must include me. I do have separate interests and continue to pursue these. So your advice has resonance. Thank you.

Buccoman, I understand your admonition to "not offer advice" about his child-rearing unless he asks for it. But that has become one-sided, as we discuss what's going on with my daughters regularly, and I find it quite helpful to hear his point of view on decisions they face. And trust me - he does NOT hold back if he thinks they are out of line. Difficult as it can be to hear at times, I need to hear it as I form my own opinions...

So I think -- for us -- that the future of our relationship hinges on us BOTH being able to talk freely, even when it crosses the line. We have built up enough respect for one another to go there. Risky, yes. But imperative.

That is why I've asked wais12 to elaborate on his situation. He implies that his partner is actively involved -- the partner wouldn't "allow" (puzzling phrase) certain actions, perhaps helped wais12 talk through his guilt. Tells me that talking about this sh*t worked for these two. May not work for others, but seems closer to my situation because my guy is REALLY a talker...

I really appreciate your comments, guys. Thanks for dusting off the counseling chair.

Morning Eric.

For me, the hardest thing was recognizing the guilt. Sadly, that wasn't something my partner could really help me with, as he doesn't have kids. But, what he did do was pose the question to me, which got me to thinking about it.

Once I recognized the guilt, i was able to move past it. What helped me was to look at from the perspective of my daughter being an adult.

Meaning...

I imagined my daughter in the same type of situation. Maybe not the homosexual angle, but maybe a very bad relationship angle, where her kids were involved. How would I want her to handle that type of situation? And, what role would I play in her making that decision?

Does that make sense?

I know it seems odd, but asking him(or me) to answer why he feels the need to do some of the things he does may help more than just telling him how you feel about it.

Hope it helps.

Thanks wais12. It does help to learn how you managed things, and more importantly, how your partner played it. I will keep this in mind as I work on my own relationship.

Oprah's theme today is "fascinating families", including a pair of dads who've fostered 21 kids and adopted four of them -- soon to be six.

I think one thing being overlooked is the fact that your partner only has his daughter a couple nights a week. The situation you are describing is "textbook" for the other parent (the one that gets the child a few nights). Remember, your partner wants to be loved by his daughter, and so many people in his position resort to "buying" the affection. Shopping sprees, staying up late, any dinner you want, etc. I do not think this is a reflection of your relationship, it is a reflection of his situation. If his daughter were to move in, he would have to become the parent that disciplines and holds her feet to the fire, and thus that relationship would change.

I guess what I am trying to say is this: It has nothing to do with you and your partner... it is totally the fact that your partner wants love from the daughter.

Former partner.