This is my first post at outsports.com and I could really use your help. Thanks in advance!

I'm falling in love with a guy who's career I could destroy. Truth be told, I'm very scared. He's an athlete who's name you would all know. We've been chatting online for almost 2 years and met in person a month ago. He's a great guy, funny, intelligent, strong, outdoorsy... The problem is I am totally out, way out. I'm even out to my son's Boy Scout Troop. The guy I'm falling for is as closeted as it gets and there has never been an out athlete in his sport at his level while still an active player.

We can't be seen together in my home town out of fear that people who know me might connect the dots. When we do go out he wears a baseball cap and sunglasses. I can't tell my friends who I'm dating. I can't even introduce him to my kids for fear they might mention his name to friends. Until now, I never really thought about this problem and I certainly never thought I would be in this situation.

It's horribly frustrating to me but I'd like to give him a chance. Years ago I swor I'd never date a closeted man, ever, but here I am.

Does anyone know of a group of Out bf's and partners of closeted athletes that I could tap into for help? Or does anyone know of someone who's been through this and would be willing to talk with me?

Does anyone know of a professional PR and sports management person who has experience with this situation?

I really would like to give this wonderful man a chance if it doesn't destroy us both in the process.

Destroy you both? Such drama. You make a choice and you live with it. If you choose to pursue a closeted man, you have to deal with the restrictions. Is it about love or career? And online relationships are greatly distorted, they have little to do with real life. You're probably attracted to the excitment of it...something that's not great for someone providing a stable environment for a child. How do you think your son would feel if this suddenly became a media thing?

And really, you've only known each other in person for a month...!

Oh Bryan...leave it to you to be about as supportive as a paper bra. That being said, I do co-sign with your comments. I just would have said them with a little more tact.

mtkaxtreme...I don't know of any support groups or PR people of closeted gay athletes. I do know a couple of people who have dated athletes. One is still dating this athlete. The other ended it because he was sick of having to wear disguises, use fake names, and the anxiety of living such a double life gave him a stomach ulcer. I was even introduced through one of these guys to the athletes teammate who was tryin to mess around with me. Ungh ungh...that is way too much drama and I don't even have kids. How is this affecting the rest of your life?

If this guy is as closeted as can be you're either going to have to deal with that lifestyle or move on. He's not going to risk his career and image for you. If you pressure him he'll more than likely end it. When you get into those kinds of relationships there are rules to them. If you don't like those rules he'll find someone who can follow them. Usually someone simply in it for the perks, the excitement of getting an athlete. You seem to genuinely care for this man and seem in a big struggle over it. I lost count of the times I got phone calls from both the two guys I know who were cursing out their athlete lover and calling him everything but the son of God, and then boo hooing the next day saying how much they love him. That is drama that a special person has to put up with. I wish you luck man. Thats tough.

OK, now...us all (most of us) being gay men who follow sports, we all have that underlying thought/hope/fantasy/wet dream about meeting up with an athlete..

With that said, I believe that is what the abov post was made for. Kinda akin to going into a Weight Watchers meeting and saying “Geez, I have all this fried chicken and chocolate and I just can't possibly finish it all...I'm throwing it away" when in fact there is no chicken or chocolate.

I would guess if I was in this situation, I would come here and feel out the posters, find out who to talk to, and judge who I could ask for advice. I wouldn't join and say "Hi, I'm new here, you don't know me, but you certainly know the closeted gay athlete I'm dating"

I'm a complete cynic in this one. The story is as real a Pam Anderson's boobies.

I could be wrong, but first instinct? I just find it hard to swallow.

Chill-trick....trust...that definitely crossed my mind. It does sound very shaky.

I guess I didn't think I would be received quite like this. So I apologize.
Yes, this was my first post here but certainly not the first time I've visited outsports.com
I realize how this may seem like drama to you, and in time and hindsight it might to me as well.

But for the moment, I am very much in a situation that I do not fully understand, but would like to. So, if this is a valid method of reaching someone else who is also in this situation or someone with knowledge in this area I would very much appreciate an opportunity to talk with you. I think my email is available in my profile. Thanks, in advance!

That's not what you said last night. (Ooooooohhhhh )


mtkatxtreme - Try not to take offense to the cynicism, it's just that most people have learned not to trust everything they read on the internet. I wish you the best in your situation, but I really don't see a clear cut answer here that will lead to happily ever after. The best advice I can think of is to be empathetic, but not sacrifice your feelings for him. In the end, you've got to decide what makes you happy.

So....you're sincere? I'm sure your very famous closeted athlete boyfriend will totally love you more for coming on a gay sports site and telling your story.

Give it up, we've (sadly) seen many bogus stories here before.

With that said. I'm dating a wicked wicked rich guy and I just can't possibly carry all the money around he gives me. Anyone else going through this?

I guess I didn't think I would be received quite like this. So I apologize.

No need to apologize; sorry that people's first instincts is to be suspicious. You can e-mail me directly (jim@outsports.com) and I might be able to get you in touch with someone though I know of no support group.

I wish!

I find this all pretty skeptical too, but I'm never one to shy away from giving advice.

Dude, end it now. That's all I can say. I was in a similar situation... not with a pro athlete but a D-I college basketball player. I was 'out' and he was very closeted. It was exciting and all at the beginning, but the sneaking around and the lies he'd have to tell and the friends of his that we had to avoid got very old. I was admittedly very dumb about it all and I just hung in there for nearly a year thinking he'd change, or finally come out or something. But here's how it ended... one Saturday morning I got a phone call... from his fiancee! Yep. Then things really got ugly. He admitted he had to get married just to make his family happy. Ugh.

Long story short... I still didn't follow my own advice and my own instincts. Fast forward to 5 years later when he calls me out of the blue and tells me he is divorced, has a child, and wants to see me. So I was stupid enough to say, "OK let's meet," and it took about another two weeks before I discovered he was the same closeted and afraid guy he used to be. Hot plus closeted does not equal happiness. And that was when I finally said enough was enough. Big fight, I told him off and it was officially over forever. If I could have that year of my life back, I would do things completely different. It's not worth it. Sadly I think we all have to find it out the hard way. Like I said, I can offer this advice, yet I didn't even take it myself. The things we do for lust! I tell ya.

chill trick - i think i'm with you on this but...if this is for real, what's important in my mind is the child. The whole dating a famous closeted athlete you met off the net just feels like you're willingly seeking out drama...Do you really need this for your son's life? Isn't he your priority here? And shouldn't your decisions take into consideration his needs first? Not that I need to tell you that but you did ask...

mdterp: i just have very little patience for drama after watching my bro go through a divorce last year and spending a ton of time with my niece and nephew and their dramatic mother...Kids first!

TheOtherFSU - Thank you.
What you say is not what I want to hear, but it is unfortunately what I expect.
So thanks.

Get a water bottle with a secret compartment from Michael Vick.

Regardless of whether the closeted guy is a pro athlete or not...



...why the hell would an out man want to live like this???

Don't let them get you down Mtka. They just think if they can get you to break up with Jeremy Bloom, it'll give them a chance to move in.

For my two cents, I "dated" a famous in the closet actor for a short time so we basically hung out in my flat and did stuff. We went out a couple of times in public and it wasn't real awkward because even though I'm out to the world, I hang out with many straight friends, I'm not demonstrative in public and I don't get jealous. We ended up breaking it off when he accused me of outing him at Disney. I have no idea how he made that connection because I didn't know anyone at Disney and I didn't talk about us hooking up. But it was for the best.

Live your life for you and your children. Don't turn your life upside down because of the excitement of dating a pro athlete. It'll end up bad.

If the sex is good then enjoy the ride. If you're looking for love either be patient or move on.

Personally if I had children I do not think I would want to be in a relationship where dishonest is expected.

I'm with the folks that say enjoy the ride! I don't see how you can expect a real relationship out of a situation like this, but stranger things have happened. When I read the original post, I couldn't help but think of a story line in the old television series, "Soap", involving Jody (Billy Crystal) willing to go through a sex-change, in order to keep his pro-football boyfriend. The boyfriend dumps him anyway, and Jody tried to commit suicide while in the hospital awaiting the sex change. He ended up recovering from the suicide attempt, and he did not go through with the sex change, but his heart was broken. But, if you are willing to risk a broken heart, go for it. Just remember, every ride has its price.

Maddog,
Thanks for the laugh about Jeremy Bloom. If you only knew how funny that was... I'm sure there are more then a few guys here who would love to move in with him. I'd rather go skiing with him. As much as he may be a worthy candidate, he's not the one.
I was also amused by your comment, "Don't turn your life upside down because of the excitement of dating a pro athlete". Thank you, because that comment helped me realize that I have to distinguish the athlete from the man I'm dating and his "work" life from our private life.

Maddog - that's ironic since Disney has been gay central as far as executives go for a long time...they probably already knew...

Well, you can always ask Brendan Lemon, the editor of Out, who was "having an affair" with an MLB player.

Or you could speak to Kevin on Brothers and Sisters, who's dating a closeted actor (hottie Jason Lewis, who played one of Samantha's bfs on Sex and the City).


Can you imagine the support group?

"I'm Bob and I'm dating Mike Piazza." "Hi Bob!"
"I'm Eric and I'm dating Richard Jefferson." "Hi Eric!"
"I'm Alan and I'm dating Michael Vick." "Hi Alan!"
"I'm Jeff and I'm dating Ian Thorpe." "Hi Jeff!"

You might consider talking to someone who is dating/has dating someone in the military. And/or, maybe you can talk to someone who is gay and in the military about coping strategies. I suspect there are parrallels between the two experiences (e.g., professional athletes and folks in the armed forces).

MTV may have a link to the special that aired a few years ago when Danny from New Orleans and his boyfriend talked on camera about their relationships and the pressures they withstood.

There are tons of readings about similar circumstances, too, tons of biographies from gay athletes and servicemen. I'm a reader and always identify and find inspiration from stories, though. If you're more of an extrovert (in terms of your process, not how "outgoing" you are) finding someone who has had a parrallel experience might be the best route... if possible.

Good luck!

First off axtreme, I want to offer my extreme jealousy....I've always had a fantasy about dating Mario Lemieux or Roger Clemens .

Second, I have some questions, and you need to be totally honest. I just got out of a relationship where the guy was closeted, and was insistent on his desire to stay inside. It drove me crazy and I had to end it, because I knew I wanted a commitment. I figured I deserved that, and life is too short to screw around with something or someone that isn't going to evolve. So, here goes:

1) Do you see any possibility of him coming out of the closet?

2) If the answer to 1 is "Yes", does he feel the same way?

3) If the answer is "No" to either question, what do you hope to accomplish with this relationship? Are you just there for the thrill? Is he completely hot?

4) Are you willing to sacrifice a life of happiness for the chance to hook up with him?

I don't know what other advice to give or questions to ask. I just know what it's like to go through something similar to this, although not with a closeted athlete where the ramifications are larger-scale.

I don't know if Jim can arrange this, but maybe you could speak with Esera Tuaolo, the former NFL defensive linemen with the Minnesota Vikings and Atlanta Falcons? He may be able to offer some insight into your situation. Regardless of what happens, please keep posting and ignore the negative people who are insanely jealous . Good luck!

The B Man,
Thank you for your suggestion about the military and Danny. I never thought of that connection but totally agree with you. I have friends who may be able to get me in touch with Danny, so I will try that.

You mentioned books, thanks. I will look into that. Would you have any specitic titles that you would recommend?
Thanks


Falconpride,
Thanks for your reply also. And yes, I believe I am honest, thought not willing to discuss his name and sport.

1) Do you see any possibility of him coming out of the closet?
Long story short, yes. Though it's not that simple. In my opinion it will take an event of some sort that will force him near or over the edge, so to speak. We're trying to learn more about the issuses in this case so that when the time comes, the pieces to the puzzle are in a position to insure the best possible outcome with the least amount of negativity and politics.

2) If the answer to 1 is "Yes", does he feel the same way?
Yes and No. He's not ready to come out now, but he understands the risk I pose to him and thus far accepts that risk. We're still in a phase where we are taking it one step at a time and right now we are trying to figure out how to handle the issue with my kids. There is a good chance that he will meet them next week and we have not yet figured out what kind of "burden" this will be to them. Rest assured that my kids understand gay people, the coming out process and all things related, but we still have to handle it appropriately. We're just not sure what that is, and we may never really know.

3) If the answer is "No" to either question, what do you hope to accomplish with this relationship? Are you just there for the thrill? Is he completely hot?
What I hope to accomplish is simply learning more about a man that I'm falling for, and I plan to take it one step at a time just like any other relationship. But I'm learning there are a few extra steps. The fact that he is also a well known athlete has no bearing in my interst in him, none. At the moment, I view it more like baggage that people bring into a relationship. And for me, it's a lot of baggage, possibly because I seem to be one of the few people on earth who is not into his sport. Which is fine by him.
The "thrill" I'm feeling is the same thrill I believe anyone would feel when they are with a new mate. I'm excited to see his name appear on my cell phone, hear his voice, see his face, talk to him, be with him, cuddle. I'm not at all thrilled by his sport and I've never been to one of his games, yet. He flies all over the country to go to his games and I'm a single dad with a sixteen year old and need to stay home.

4) Are you willing to sacrifice a life of happiness for the chance to hook up with him?
No, not at all. I'd like to think I'm past my hook up phase.

You mentioned Esera Tuaolo, thank you.
I know Esera and Mitchell, they are acquaintances, but we have not spoken about this, yet. They are definitely two people that I plan to have a heart to heart with, and soon.

I hope this help you understand my situation a little better.

He knows people who may be able to get him in touch with this Real World Danny person? He's an acquaintance of Esera Tuaolo? How convenient. Well, I bet T.R. Knight and Neil Patrick Harris could help. They're not athletes but they were closeted until recently. Or maybe David Hyde Pierce or Anderson Cooper. They're sort of out without actually ever saying the words "I'm gay" in public. Now that I've mentioned some more celeb names, I'm sure this guy actually knows them, or knows people who know them. Excuse me, I need to roll my eyes.

I'm so with you on this...from the beginning it just sounds like balderdash. But of course, remember, all gay people know each other...

And maddog, i think your instincts are correct...the reaction tells the story.

Getting back to the point of this post. Whether this post is real or not, it doesn't matter because we are all writing responses to it. In my opinion though, I feel like the post is real, but the writer who ever she or he is is actually dating someone at the college or high school level. The kids and all of that is thrown in just to make sure that the writer really is concealing any suggestion of identity. And the stakes are just as high given that high school and to a certain degree college social situations seem like life or death when you are in them. I guess adulthood is the same way if you don't get therapy. Anyhoo, I remember at 18 I went on a crusade for my "best friend" who was the high school golden boy but secretly gay and suicidal. I wrote semi-famous gay people and called hotlines and confessed to priests, but never about me, it was always about my friend, "Mark." Most counselors, advisors, and priests, went along with it whether they believed me or not and asked me to have Mark call or write them and stuff. So who ever you are you had some need to write the post; maybe you are a gay athlete yourself just needing attention, but I hope you hang in there.

However, in regard to the scenario you painted, I would tell you what I tell all of my straight, bisexual, and gay friends when they have relational issues like yours - watch Brokeback Mountain. If you see it for more then just a D & A show with hot actors it's a really good life lesson about how some people you fall in love with and no matter what you do or how you change or what you say, they can't ever give you what you want. It may feel slightly depressing and sad, but life is not about being a tragic queen destined to be unfulfilled, it's about being the best Dad you can be, the best role model, the best man. And I think given your situation, you are spending more time thinking and caretaking for some grown dude than you are for your own children. There are selfish parents everywhere, but you can choose not to be one of them. Best of luck.

What an interesting post. I actually just talked to Brendan Lemon at length about his relationship a couple weeks ago. He has a ton of great insight, much of which will be (shameless plug) in our book coming out in June

My advice: Just keep being yourself. Don't try to hide that you're openly gay, and be very clear about what information he does not want you to share with other people. You don't want to have to worry "can I say this or that" when talking to others - just be crystal clear with him about what information you can share with others and whom you can share it with.

And if you want to possibly chat with others who have been in your situation, just drop me a line at cyd@outsports.com and I'll see what i can do.

And many would say he has a lack of credibility.

But Lemon is so cute Joe, I gotta believe him! I met him at a gay media event back
whenever this story started and he seemed pretty sincere even away from the glare
of the spotlight. People were also very comfortable outing baseball players in their quest
to get BL to reveal who his paramour was if I recall correctly. But maybe it was all just
an elaborate way to pick up gay athletes who'd feel competitive by association....hmm...lol

Okay, I want to know who Maddog dated. Can you give us a hint? Okay, just his initials. Hell, you dated him years ago right? He has probably already been outed by now.


As for mtkaxtreme... enjoy the ride dude!! Let this guy shower you with gifts and "pearl necklaces" all he can. Make notes of everything he says and keep all your "blue dresses" in a safe place just in case you need to write a book and go on tour if the relationship should end. Step up to the "milking station" of life and grab a hold of it and don't let go.

P.S.: I was trying to figure out when I could use the words "milking station" in a sentence again. This thread gave me that opportunity. Thanks mtkaxtreme!

I shouldn't have used "dated" more like "had occasional intimate relations for a couple of months".

And he is still not out and he's still making movies so no. Not even initials.

You said u wouldn't tell!!!!!