We have an interesting article by a young coach who felt he had to go back into the closet after leaving college. A twist on the kinds of articles we normally run.

It's too bad we still live in a society where we sometimes feel the need to be in the closet and so forth. With that being said, I understand what Matthew is going through. I mean, coming out to your teammates is incredibly difficult but it obviously turned out well. When it comes to teaching, however, you suddenly go from a group of 20 some odd guys to a number of students, faculty and of course parents.

It's unfortunate but some parents still have those outdated stereotypes that homosexual men are predators or child molestors etc etc... I'm sure that if he were out, they'd make a big stink and eventually have him fired. Yet at the same time, there's also the chance that he could maybe shed that outdated stereotype by proving that gay guys aren't that bad.

I support his decision 100%... I just hope other gay guys don't jump all over him for his decision to get back into the closet.

Ditto, Enigma

It's sad that Matthew has to "revisit" the closet, but sometimes you have "to do what you have to do," in order to actually make a living in your chosen field. I understand your dilemma, Matthew. Don't be too hard on yourself. Many of us have to do the same thing. Peace, brother.

While I personally deplore his choice; If we are truthful we have to admit that being 'Out and Proud' has only really been possible for a small minority of gays for a very short period of time (30 years +/-), and that no matter where you live there is still a lot of discrimination.

While many decry the youthful dismissal of many aspects of gay activism by the youngest generation of our family; in truth they may be the first generation where a very few (though obviously not all) have been allowed to mature without serious life threatening stigma and discrimination; and I occasionally have some small hopes that it will eventually lead to still greater activism for minority rights by those who have tasted a tiny bit of that freedom.

Unfortunately, the people who will suffer without a great OUT role model will be the (1/ 15 +/-) kids he coaches; for whom he is reinforcing either the stereotype of a heterosexually homogenous society, or the idea that a gay man must hide his identity because it is wrong or even immoral. Those children will learn the lesson he teaches.

It is my belief that in a fairly short period of time, like other coaches and sports people who have posted here, he will find a growing difficulty hiding his secret. Not because of the secret itself, but because of the inordinate amount of pressure it will put on him to maintain that lie for the next few years or even his lifetime.

More than anything else, I feel only sadness for him, and for those around him who will not be able to share in the full beauty of a life lived openly and exuberantly explored.

I hate waste.



Rob

While I appreciate your pitty, I can't say that I need it. My life is fine. I live with two straight guys who know that I'm gay. They're fine with it. I personally identify better with the straight crowd.

If you feel that my stance is a waste, I appologize. I made a difference to the 100+ teammates over 4 years that have never held a conversation with a gay man in their lives. I feel that is a victory in itself.

I understand the decision, given that he is just beginning his career and being gay and a teacher is a bit of a minefield to begin with. I just wonder if Matthew is prepared for the bubble to burst. Being a closeted teacher in the same small town where he was an out college player seems to have a lot of potential to blow up in his face.

When your coach said "girlfriends and boyfriends" that must have been so rewarding... and evidence of what kind of impact you left on that team.

Ha, yeah, REALLY caught me off guard but made me feel really good. My coach is a great guy.

Actually if you reread my statements you will find that nowhere did I say I pitied you.

You made your own decision with the full knowledge of the consequences.

I may feel disappointment and sadness for your choice, and the waste of an opportunitty to be a good role model to lots of young kids; but I never said I pitied you.

And what have those 100+ teammates (and how many of them might be gay, or unsure of themselves?) seen or learned? That you chose to go back in the closet rather than stick with your convictions, and that society made it so difficult for you that they should not attempt what you were originally brave enough to do.

Do you have an interesting story? Yes. Is it a cautionary tale for other gays? Maybe.
Do you deserve applause and support for making a tough decision to come out in a decidedly unfriendly atmosphere? Yes. Do you deserve anything because you were uncertain of your convictions and decided to take an easier way out by going back into the closet? Sorry, No.

IMHO the fact that you state that you 'identify better with the straight crowd' simply means that you know so little about the wide variety of the gay communitty that you believe that the majority of it are those who make good newscopy : the drag queens, the slightly effeminate chelsea boys, the leather daddies, or the Bears, etc. In time, if you ever do explore enough, I think you will find that the gay communitty is just as diverse as the straight communitty, and that the vast majority of gays and lesbians live quiet, mainstream, even slightly boringly domestic lives undifferentiated from their straight counterparts except for what they do in their bedrooms. That is the true beauty of the gay communitty - its breathe and diversity.


I wish you the best,

Rob

Where do you get off saying what Matthew is doing is a waste? So what if he's not out to his co-workers and students? Unfortunately, today, that can still be an awkward place, even in the most liberal of environments (such as Boston or wherever you may be). But he isn't in the most liberal of environments, and more than likely he wouldn't be able to comfortably keep his job if he was out at work.

I personally hate the notion that you have to march in parades, wave a flag, and proclaim your sexuality at the top of your lungs to make a difference in the world. As a teacher, Matthew is still a role model to these students, and while he may not be a "gay role model", he can still broaden their minds to the world around them. I don't know what he teaches... but who's to say he can't expand his students' horizons in his classroom? Maybe he teaches history... which could lead to a discussion of discrimination and civil rights. Maybe it's biology... which could touch upon the genetic nature of homosexuality. Maybe it's English... perhaps he'll have the chance to expose the students to Capote or Oscar Wilde. And as a coach, he also has a big part in these kids' lives. Maybe he'll be in a position to let his team know that gay slurs don't belong on the soccer field, locker room, or anywhere. If Matthew makes a difference to one kid at that school in any way, he's far from a waste. And given that he sounds like a great guy, I'm sure he'll make a difference to many.

Matthew, I wish you the best. If being out at work is something you someday want, I hope you are able to achieve your goal down the road. In the meantime, it sounds like you have truly great family and friends, and I hope their support gets you through the hard times. But don't forget, closet or no closet, to be true to the great person I can tell that you are.

Thank you for your words. As you read from my story, I come from the DC area. I go to Dupont from time to time and have been to a Pride Parade. Definately not my scene. Fun and funny, but not my thing. I've seen quite a bit of the gay community and I stick to what I said. I have gay friends, but they're select and few. Like whitesox said... I don't feel the need to parade my gayness around. To answer your question, I teach Spanish. So, in the land of rednecks, I am the mediator for the hispanics and blacks and hicks. I am not of any Hispanic or Latin background. I do my part. I didn't make the decision to come out to my teammates, friends, and family to be a spokesperson for gay people, I did it because I wanted those that are close to me to know the real me.

I'm assuming that you come from a very liberal area and are probably in the group of gays that I don't exactly wish to identify with. Fair enough, to each their own. But I didn't ask for anyone's permission or advice to come out. I did what I felt I needed to do. As said in an earlier post, coming out is something people need to deal with personally, not by the suggestions of others.

How often the situation of gays in the USA reminds me of Jews in pre-WWII Germany. You feel out and safe and a bit sanctimonious about closeted members of the group, then things change.

I don't condemn anyone for finding the closet a safer place, whether for reasons of physical security, financial normalcy or just to avoid the hassle of being a gayer-than-though representative of a community most of whose open members you feel you have very little in common with.

We can't all be advocates all the time. I know I've allowed homophobic sounding comments to go unchallenged because it would take too long to educate the the person making the un-PC remark, and, hey, I have to earn a living.

Often, like Matthew's former teammates, they never mean any harm by it and are, at least superficially, supportive once they find out you are gay. And being openly gay in the South is still no picnic.

What I will say is that if Matthew or anyone else is not happy with how they are living then they are the only agents who can change that.

No one of us, Jewish, black, gay, Latino or whatever can blame others for our own unhappiness. But condemning closeted gay people is not going to benefit either open or closeted gays. Coming out takes time.

Don't asssume, I grew up mostly on Military bases in the Deep South during the 60's and early 70's. After I came out to my conservative Christian family, we were estranged for over a decade, and have only recently begun to reconcile. I seriously doubt that things have actually gotten tougher, even in the deep South, over the past 25 years.

Whether you identify with me or not... well, you know next to nothing about me.

For your information (whatever you wish to make of it), I also went to college in GA, where I was on a football partial scholarship, though I graduated from a University up North in Yankeeland. I was a Sgt in the US Army and was honorably discharged after 12 years of service. I am a patron of the NRA and the ACLU among many others. I am Sr Director in a small international company. I enjoy hunting, fishing, and I may be one of the very few gay men in this world to actually play Golf. I am married to a man who served in the Brit Army for over 25 years mostly as a Sr. NCO.

My point is that, maybe even like most people, I think you see things as black or white - not the nearly infinite rainbow of diversity that makes up our communitty.

I hope you take the time to learn about it.

Again, I do not condemn what you have done, I only find it disappointing.


R

I'm not surprised that you're back in the closet, Matthew, because it's obvious from your writings that you still harbor your own prejudices and discomfort towards gay people. You're still soothing your own issues by identifying with the so-called "straight" crowd. You're actually playing a dangerous game to a certain extent, and perhaps a selfish one. The kids have to practice with the shirts on? And that's what? An assist to your own little secret game? Why should they be made uncomfortable so you can protect your little game? And you're using another teacher as a cover?

You're quite young, you're still in transition...but I don't see what you're doing as particularly difficult....you're sort of getting the best of both worlds without the truth.

You should know though it's actually people like that male cheerleader or the equivalent of Jack from Will & Grace who're doing something difficult and challenging: they're being themselves, leading their lives with integrity and honesty in spite of everyday hassles and grief. They've got balls.

You will hopefully be fully out one day without the need to distance yourself from this group or that. I certainly wish you a more honest existence, for your own sake. Living a lie, pretending in the way that you are, is a choice...

I do empathize with your journey and wish you the best in your own search for truth and integrity...You are doing good things...More!

Wow a lot of negativity towards Matthew... which is too bad. I kinda figured you'd get people from both sides of the spectrum on this but I'd have to agree with White Sox fan and again say that I support Matthew. Not everyone has to come out and proclaim their sexuality... you gotta do it when ready and until then, he'll continue to be a positive role model to the students he teaches and coaches.

I feel like you guys are missing the fact that I lived this "out and proud" life for 7 years... I was out at college, out to my family, went to gay clubs, gay events and such. Hung out with the gambit of gay men, theater majors, E-sci majors, the few other athletes I knew, gay republicans, had many conversations with trashed drag queens at the clubs. I know what gay men are out there. I am friends with some of the aforementioned, not friends with others. No one, gay, straight, black, white, arab, asian, blah blah is going to befriend 100% of the people they meet. The world would be a perfect place if that were the case. Being a team sport player, I've grown to have a tight-knit group of friends growing up. I have a few very very close friends and MANY acquaintances. I find a lot of people my age to be fake, ignorant, or just boring.

As for my comment on the gay cheerleader... I've not told you anything about how I relate to him at school. You guys make it seem like I shun him and scoff at him. Not the case at all.... I had him in class last semester and stood up for him on NUMEROUS occasions. Whenever he sees me in the hallway he gives me a loud, high pitched "Hey Mr. ____!!!!!!" HA... he's a hoot. Would I hang out with him outside of school? Can't say that I would... just not my thing... do I judge him or shun him or let him get picked on? Not at all... Matter of fact, unless they don't like them (for their own reasons) they say that they respect that he's doing what he's doing. As do I... half naked boys plastered all over his binder... God bless him. ha.

As for "the kids practicing with their shirts on so I can play my secret game? and making them uncomfortable by wearing shirts"? I'm kind of lost on that one. It is partially a matter of me covering my own ass as not to be portrayed as a child molester... but it is also a matter of professionalism... Never ONCE in 4 years of college soccer were we allowed to practice without shirts, nor in the 4 years of HS soccer. It's a matter of looking the part. I've been coached by professional coaches from the UK... you're CRAZY if you think you're practicing without a shirt. So, that said, it's not part of a game.

Oh, and to an earlier post, I played golf for 4 years in HS as well... my golf clubs are laying on my floor as I type this. They got used this weekend. Cudo's to you, my fellow gay golfer.

I'm glad you clarified those points...makes a little more sense. But, the child molester comment? What's up with that?

So, tell me something, what exactly are you gaining by being back in the closet? Is this the best job ever? Is this your only choice? Are you more comfortable leading this double life? Doesn't it hurt?

What he means is that if his team pratices shirtless and it's discovered that he is gay, someone could make an issue that he wanted them to go shirtless for his own gratification. And before you scoff, I know a lot of gay men in positions of authority who think twice about asking young people (especially boys) to do things their straight counterparts wouldn't think twice about. A lot of us who are comfortably out need to realize that it's still tough out there depending on where you live and what job you have.

I applaud Matthew for telling his story and being honest. I sense he will be out once he leaves his area and moves someplace larger and more tolerant. After working with him on the story, I sense a guy who knows who he is and is comfortable, but is still maturing and finding his way in life; few of us are fully formed at 24.

Ditto on Jim's comment about being cautious in your job when you're gay. It holds for some of us who are black as well. Showing favoritism can be a killer, especially when you're in a minority.

Unfortunately if you're in the majority it more often goes unnoticed because the majority of the recipients of the favors benefit. Most straight white anglo men would probably deny that they are constantly favored just for being who they are.

Most of the rest of us would like to think we earn our prompts and take responsibility for our faults. But we can't change how others treat us unless we're open not only about who we are but what we're about.

A lot of negativity in this thread. I think Matthew is brave for coming out and telling his story. Given that there are high-profile people living in NY and LA and working in gay-friendly industries like Entertainment and Media who are in the closet or demure about their sexuality, should we surprised that a young teacher in a small town feels 'forced' back into the closet? Ultimately Matthew has to know that secrets will come out and rumours will be spread, and eventually he will be outed or out himself. This may be at a more convenient time or not and it may be on his own terms or not (ie. T.R. Knight, Lord Browne), and is something that he should probably prepare for. But lets not be too hard to one of our own who's just trying to make his own way in life.

Forgive me, but in your article you stated "I came out to my friends at the end of high school and was comfortable and relieved at the same time. My friends were great and life carried on... I came out to my mom my junior year and my dad my senior year."

Then you state "I stayed in the closet my first year of college. ... Well, I kept it to myself until about April, then I came out to my closest teammate. " and "Then came junior year. ... and there I was -- out to my team." and lastly "When I graduated in December 2005, I returned to the DC area. After two months of looking for work, take one guess at where I landed -- back in the South, in the same town as my college. I was going to be a high school teacher. The plus about the teaching job was that I got to be ‘boys and girls' varsity soccer coach. ...So, after five years of being myself, I packed bags and went back to the closet. "

So you were out to your parents and friends for a few months in HS, to your team mates for maybe 2 years... and then two months after you graduated you went back into the closet.

Again I am not condemning what you have done, but that, to me personally, does not sound like being totally out of the closet, 'living out and proud' for 7 years.

Don't get me wrong, I am really not trying to criticize you; but these steps seem, from my perspective, to be the first tentative steps of someone at the beginning of their exploration of life. It will be interesting seeing what your attitudes, openness, and perspective are in 10 or 20 years.

Frankly I was very happy for you, and somewhat impressed by the age at which you discovered your sexuality and came out to your parents and friends while in HS. I did not come to deal with my sexuality until I was in the Army for several years, and I didn't come out to anyone until I was at school in Boston after the Army. Sometimes you have to beat me over the head with a stick until I get something. So you started off much younger than I did.

At the end of your article you stated "I’d rather be able to be myself then to keep hiding it from the world. Life outside the closet is much less stressful than life in the closet. Being gay doesn’t mean being shunned by society, or your family and friends, or even your team. It’s all what you make of it. "

I agree, and I hope you find somewhere you will be comfortable being yourself. Best wishes.


R

I sympathize with you Matt, I can completely understand your situation. While I'm out to my friends and most of my family now, I don't plan on coming out on the job for a while. I'm going into an industry that likes to show an outward appearance of tolerance and equality, but personnel don't really give off the vibe that corporate culture is going to match these policies.

And I think some of the people in this thread need to lay off as well. Matt doesn't exactly live somewhere that's going to have gay soccer clubs and Outsports gatherings where he can befriend gay guys that share his interests. I would venture to guess that many masculine gay men there have decided it's easier to be "straight" and get married as opposed to living life openly gay. Thus, Matt identifies with the straight men there who share his interests.

Good luck finding a job a little more tolerant Matt!

Well doesn't this thread shed a little light on one of the problems in our community. If you're not out screaming proud, you get judged. If you're not fighting the cause, you are some how less deserving of "being gay". Sounds like some of my friends of color who get accused of not being black enough. I've been to pride several times. Over the past few years, it seems like it's become more about commercialism and a social event than being proud of anything. So what if I (or Matthew) don't like it? Are we any less gay?

And for all of us who can live out, without fear of losing our jobs or our lives...good for us. There are many people who can't, or don't feel like they can. It is interesting to me how little patience some of us out guys (and gals) have for those that are just on their way. Thank goodness there were patient people around when I started coming out years ago.

And say what you will, and I have been exposed to all kinds of gays and lesbians through social networking, the Lesbian and Gay Community Center, and several sports organizations, and there is a large part of the gay community that I don't particularly care for (as there are many parts of the straight community I don't care for). Why are we not allowed to say that without being accused of being an internal homophobe? There is a strong pressure for many people when they first come out to "fit into the crowd", and that crowd for a lot of people are the people you see at the bar and on TV and at some of the more visable gay events. If I have said it once, I've said it a 1000 times, why can't there be a gay related event that doesn't involve a drag queen, shopping, shoes, or the Oscars? I guess that makes me a homophobe.

Don't worry though...I know differently. I guess you know differently Matthew too. Good luck buddy...One day we'll all be on 100% self-actualized like some others around here.

I agree. Many people assume that masculine gay men are ashamed of their sexuality, or that they aren't "being themselves." I would argue that masculine gay men, such as Matthew, are adhering to their masculine/athletic/butch nature just as much as Jack from Will & Grace is adhering to his flamboyant nature, so there's no issue of "hiding who you are." One doesn't have to be flamboyant to be gay, and one doesn't need to be masculine to have proverbial balls. It's neither an issue of gayness or masculinity, it's simply a matter of like and dislike.

As for Matthew having to go back into the closet, I really cannot comment. I was really never in a situation where I had to be in the closet; once I "came out" to myself, my public coming out was easy (as comings out go). Hopefully, in due time, every other gay man and woman can have that same good fortune.

Wow, really interesting discussion. When I read the article, I thought "that was interesting," but that's about it. But while reading the thread, I kept thinking to my own circumstances. Although no one would accuse me of being in the closet, in my private life or among my colleagues, I often travel for work and end up meeting many different types of people, many of whom are not exactly gay-friendly. For instance, I have made three trips to Salt Lake City this year, including one presentation at the Mormon Church's health plan. The Mormons, of course, continue to recommend, and involuntarily commit, gay and lesbian members to "treatment" facilities, with "therapies" such as live electric shock to cure them of teh gay.

As you can imagine, I don't always find it comfortable, or even safe, to come out to everyone I met, and I am often in the situation of having someone make heterosexist assumptions about me, and not correcting the mistaken impression that I'm straight. I certainly do feel cowardly doing so, and it is not as if my company would ever fire me for being out (it is actually illegal here in DC), it is completely a matter of convenience. I do feel a coward at time when I make these decisions, but I think they are understandable.

At the same time, I do think some of the comments about discomfort with the freakier members of the GLBT community reflect the societal bias we are all taught about those who do not follow the allowed gender roles for men or women. But we are all on a journey toward overcoming those biases, no matter where were are on our coming out process.

Not to put too fine a point on it, but as CPT_Doom suggests, there is a difference between being closeted and not being completely open at work.

Matthew comments in his article that "I’d rather be able to be myself then to keep hiding it from the world." But he's not hiding it from the world. He's out to family, teammates, roommates, coach and some colleagues at school. Plus he has the respect and support of those who know him as he is -- again, not what we think of as "closeted".

Yes, it's a drag that Matthew doesn't feel able to "be himself" under all circumstances. It's also important -- self-validating, comforting -- to have gay friends, which doesn't appear to be the case at the moment. But he's not expressing shame, fear, social isolation. I'm hearing loneliness and frustration, feelings appropriate to an openly gay man who can't be all he could be, for now.

But I wouldn't worry, it sounds like that day will come sooner rather than later. In the meantime, there are plenty of good things going on. Sit tight, it'll be ok.

Good thread. Good for Outsports.

SocMatt, here’s my advice: “Ya can’t win for trying.” You’ll never be gay enough for a lot of gays, and you’ll never be straight enough for a lot of straights, so you just need to find your own comfort zone in between, and keep practicing, and live it with all your heart. In time, you’ll discover that the times you’re most truly YOURSELF will always become the greatest memories you’ll keep forever. And no red cards, awright, buddy?

One thing does come to mind: If you'd otherwise like to stay there, you could try approaching the school administration near the end of the year, laying your cards on the table and seeing what they'd say. Ditto with the school board, and maybe even the local newspaper. Or, if not the newspaper, then find out who really counts in that town and talk with all of them, including the local snake-handlers at the Baptist churches.

Make the story be something that people don't usually see: Local teacher and coach says he's gay, asks town if he has a future here. Be completely non-confrontational about it. Say you're prepared to leave town because you've pretty much assumed that the area is very conservative and wouldn't accept you, but you thought you'd ask just to see. Say you've got no intention of staying in a place where you're not wanted. That you're really not ordinarily the sort of person to make this an issue but that you don't want to invent petty lies for the next 40 years either.

You could also think of staying one more year and then doing it. But I wouldn't give it more than two years before popping the question, and I wouldn't do it unless you really wanted to stick around but for the gay issue. It would be a bold move, that's for sure. I wouldn't blame you for a nanosecond if you just quietly moved somewhere else. It's what I did. Nowhere is it written that everyone's got to be a spokesman.

#1 - When someone comes out, and to whom, is entirely that person's decision. The one life that decision primarily impacts is that person's. It is easy as an older adult or someone in a diverse city to tell others to come out. Coming out to his team was brave, and sometimes it is smarter for safety and livelihood that not everyone know who it is you find sexually attractive.

#2 - That being said, I am saddened by the rather obvious issues he has with being gay...there is nothing proud about having the thought process that you need to show others that not everyone is like Jack -- he's a television character. I hope -- and know -- that all straight guys aren't like Dr. Cox (Scrubs) or all british like Simon Cowell (american idol).

#3 - As an "in the middle" mannerisms sorta guy, I will always find it distasteful and mean when people say they don't want to associate with high-pitched or queeny guys. I use to feel that way, then I realized I was making a decision about who I would associate with based not on who they were but what they appeared to be. Rather shallow. I know plenty of straight guys who act obnoxiously sometimes, but are genuinely nice guys who would never say or do a bad thing, and I count myself lucky to have them as friends because of WHO they are.

#4 - To echo the comment about the "identify more with straight crowd" comment as being insulting and close-minded. Yes, it was. I know plenty of gay guys who could beat the pants (hahahah) off of any straight rec league football or basketball team, who drink beer and belch, and who the only way you know they are different is because they won't notice the hot girl walking by. For someone who stresses that they "went to dupount circle" this still belies a narrow, ignorant view of who gay people are -- they ARE EVERYONE.

I do feel pity for him a bit, as his experiences have lead him to generally believe the stereotypes that conservative, and even mainstream, people have about gay people. HOWEVER, I do not fault his decision. Everyone is not called to be an activist...and from how he describes it, that is what he would defacto become in that community by coming out publicly. It is upsetting though, that that "high pitched" cheerleader will do more to change that town than his teacher -- a bit of a reversal. I hope at some point he does more than just "defend" the guy or stand up for him...I hope he leads for him.

It is true that gay people are everyone and everywhere, but that is not how we are perceived. To any straight person, the word "gay" conjures up images of drag queens and interior design experts, which may be somewhat accurate but is not a fair portrayal. Likewise, the gay community holds up masculine gay men on a pedestal to show to the rest of the world that we are everywhere.

To say that gay culture is pro-"masculine" because of comments like these is analogous to saying that a high school environment is predominantly pro-gay because it talks about gay issues in sex-ed or participates in the Day of Silence. Ideally, neither should be encouraged; teachers shouldn't teach people to be pro-gay or anti-gay, and gay culture shouldn't care if you are masculine or not. The reality is that high schools tend to be anti-gay on a student-by-student basis, so teachers try to correct that; likewise, gay culture tends to favor those that are more flamboyant, so some others try to correct that.

I hope that made sense...

For the record, I'm not criticizing him at all...a couple of his statements deserved clarification, but his story is revealing and thought provoking, and I wish him what I wish anyone who still has to deal with the complexity of being somewhat closeted: peace and a one way ticket to being out...I was far far from being formed at 24 so what Matthew has already accomplished and dealt with is admirable at the very least....As they say, good luck and godspeed...

Ditto!

I've been out for over 25 years (came out @ 15. Oy! I'm dating myself) & I'm @ a point that I could give a rats ass what people think of me anymore. I am who I am. Take it or leave it. And that's not just directed to the straight world either. I've gotten lots of slack over some choices I've made throughout my life even by my glbt brothers & sisters. So as a good friend once told me, "f**k 'em!"

PS I, too, have found that many of my straight friends (especially males) are much more real, down-to-earth, non-superficial and will go out of their way to make sure I feel comfortable around their social settings (sadly, attributes found lacking w/ some in the glbt community)...Good for you Matt.

I'm not sure what it makes you, but it seems to me there are plenty of gay-related events unrelated to shopping/shoes/Oscars. And they're not related to drag queens unless drag queens are actually running or planning the events. Surely you're not saying that drag queens shouldn't go to public events? I don't think you're saying that.

Now then...since I was away for a few days and just got back, this is all new to me. So last night I read the article, then listened to Jim and Cyd discuss it on their podcast, and looked at the article again, and then read through this thread.

I don't see this as an issue of his being in the closet or not being in the closet, as much as it is an issue of being in or out of the closet at work. Matthew's out to his family and friends. Does he need to be out to his co-workers and employers (and, since he's teaching, his students)? Not if he doesn't want to be.

Your personal life has (or should have) no bearing on your work. Every time you take a new job, you have new bosses and co-workers (and teachers pretty much get a new group of students every year). So this decision is going to have to be made again and again until you retire. There will be places where you'll feel comfortable in being open and places where you won't. It's always a judgment call.

It is a bit odd that after going to college and initially being closeted, he eventually came out to people and didn't seem to suffer any consequences. Yet, when he takes a job in the very same town in which he got such a positive response, he felt compelled to "go back in" again. You would think that it would be easier, having done something once successfully, to do it again. But again, that's his call.

But I have to ask about one thing from the article: "'Against my better judgment, I figured it would be good to head back to the closet. When you're at a school where your business is everyone's business, and gay people just don't exist unless you're a theater major, I just thought it was a good idea. I needed to prove to these Southerners that not gay people are like Jack from 'Will & Grace.'"

Was there a typo or missing word? Was Matthew trying to say that he didn't need to prove that gay people aren't all like Jack? Because if you're not out of the closet, you're not proving anything.

Thanks for sharing your story, Matthew. I'm a teacher with a similar cycle - was out, went back in, now out again. I went back in to the closet because of my teaching job in a private school in a small midwest town. It was a great job in which I actually stayed for eleven years, but it just became too annoying in regards to diverting discussion of my personal life.

Now I'm a teacher on the east coast in a large public school system with a well-supported non-discrimination policy, and I'm much happier personally and professionally.

By the way, reading earlier posts, Bryan stated regarding "Jack" types, "they're being themselves, leading their lives with integrity and honesty in spite of everyday hassles and grief."

Personally, I find that offensive - towards myself and towards Matthew. I'm out and I live 90% of my life in "the straight world" (friends, work, community involvement, etc.). Friends even joke with me that I am "a bad fag" because I don't fit a gay stereotype. Yet, I feel that I am being my true self, leading my life with integrity and honesty. And I don't feel that Matthew should be encouraged to fit himself into a particular box in order to be his own self.

You can be yourself without putting down "Jack" types, as some people are so quick to do. That is the point of those responses.

What's with all the "Jack" comments. Not to get off track, but Will is pretty stereotypical too. Feminine, hates sports, likes the arts, etc...

As far as Matt identifying more with the "straight" world.... I hate going to gay bars because over half the guys in there are flaming queens. I work in sports, I play sports, I watch sports --- literally that is all I do with me free time -- why would I go to a gay bar -- I can't blame him for not hanging out with a community with which he doesn't identify.

Very interesting comments on this board ...

Thank you Matthew for sharing your story. It is an interesting story although not uncommon. Gay men go through this "in the closet, out of the closet" all the time .. especially when they have to make changes (like in residence or career) and are out of their comfort zones.

I would ask that anyone who passes judgment on Matthew to think again before doing so .... have you walked in his shoes? How did you like it when others have passed judgment on you without even knowing you? I don't recall him asking for advice ... sounds like he is comfortable in what he is doing. Is that so bad?

Think about your career, home and perhaps partner ... was there a 'prescribed' method in getting each one of them? If not then think again before trying to prescribe to Matthew what he should or should not have done ...

Matthew, I support you in your decision and hope that you are enjoying life there. All the best ..

That's right! It would be nice if we could all go around singing "I Am What I Am" but the world still holds plenty of hostility toward glbt people.Not every city is San Francisco.

Having listened to Matthew on the podcast, I still don't think it's that big a deal. He's out to some and not out to others. That's his right and his choice.

I still haven't gotten an answer to the question I asked in the earlier post: he wrote in the original article: "'Against my better judgment, I figured it would be good to head back to the closet. When you're at a school where your business is everyone's business, and gay people just don't exist unless you're a theater major, I just thought it was a good idea. I needed to prove to these Southerners that not gay people are like Jack from 'Will & Grace.'"

Was there a typo or missing word? Was Matthew trying to say that he didn't need to prove that gay people aren't all like Jack? Because if you're not out of the closet, you're not proving anything.

Hey, Joe: That was one question I meant to ask him but it slipped my mind.

It was a great interview on the podcast!

I went back into the closet when I started college. I was eventually out at college, therefore able to prove my point.

Well, just a little update on my situation... I resigned from teaching in June... but still have yet to find a job. As of now, I'm just subbing to pass the time. My teaching position is still open, as is the girl's varsity team. So, I'm debating on taking my old jobs back just to finish up the year and such.

I think there is a lot of truth to this. When I first went to the gay group on campus, very few would talk to me (I don't think they knew what to make of a gay athlete) and those who did were more interested in 'increasing visibilty in sport' and stuff like that. Baisically the impression that I got was that they were more interested in how I could be useful to the group rather than who I was or what my reasons for going in the first place were. When it became apparent that I wasn't going to contribute to their political cause and that I was more interested in expanding my social circle and actually meeting other gay people, most of the group just tolerated my presence but ignored me. So much for a supportive atmosphere...

I feel you on the fact that any support group isnt for athletes while in college. i attended one every week during football season, right after a work out i would go and after awhile although i didnt say much i noticed how the room was well conected with each other because they lived near each other and went to class with one another while me i had never seen any of them in a class with me (it wasnt a very big school). I think athlese that are gay, lesbian, or just questioning themselves should have access to groups and help that the "normal student population" of GLBTAQ has. People in athletics live a diffrent life when in college and when training for world level comp. its not like they have normal class times and they work normal hours i know this because i have and am doing it.
On another note i read this "Jack" thing and am clueless about it! Does it mean that a person is acting Str8 or something along those lines?

It's unfortunate if LGBTQ groups aren't supportive enough if a gay athlete contacts them. You'd think they would be, they certainly should be. I think more outreach and give-and-take is needed.



"Jack" was a character on the TV show Will and Grace, and was the complete opposite of straight-acting.

I completely agree with this. I've had much of the same problem here where I go to school. I felt totally out of place and ignored while being asked for help with fundraising and help building drag show materials...Thus, I've shied away from them and have really had a chip on my shoulder towards the LGBT group on campus. While I am 100% out, I just do not enjoy myself being around other gay men - especially when all they're concerned about is Dancing With The Stars when game 4 of the World Series is on I tried to explain how I am involved with sports broadcasting and they just kind of nodded their heads and ignored me. There is definitely truth to this whole notion of no support for anyone in our type of situation besides Outsports

There is support, but sports has not come to a head yet with the idea of another minority group in them. The author of "[b]In the Game"[/b] wrote something along the lines of this and i am sorry if i mis quote him, but he talked about how sports was such a big part of american society and that with the help of sports we are able to break down social stigmas that exist. It took Jackie Robinson it get into the big leagues for people to start saying "hey blacks arent all bad" even though most of america still had jim crow laws still in local books. If America is to change then athletes are just going to have to keep doing what they do! I feel that the NCAA needs to adress this first seeing that a majority of student athletes are going to deal with someone who is gay/bi/lesbian/ trans or any other alternative life style. The people in the pros although they would have more of a spot light on them its clear that the everyday athlete feels stress from not being able to meet people more like them or even the idea of a society where people of the world who have gotten so deep into the hetero world that the idea of drag shows and under wear boys just dont mean anything to them.
Being gay and in sport isnt about sex at all, its about people being people and showing love and respect for the game. When you watch a football game and i mean just the game do you even have time to tell me what the middle linebacker looks like? or can you tell me what the right guard looks like? or in baseball can you tell me how big the unit is on the catcher? its nothing about sex its about the love of the game. sure when i watch espn and i see a good looking guy i might say to my self hay he is good looking but when it comes down to the sport its self its all about the game. Sport is something that everyone can come to during drama in your life or in the world it has served as a distraction from personal issues for us all and i think its time that the world gets to look into the idea of sports now being apart of everyones world!
Sorry i went off but i guess my onw anger came out a little with the idea that people think just cause i am gay i want to have sex with every guy i see or that i like leather bars ( nothing wrong with them i just like college gameday on my TV screen at a bar).