I only recently came out, to be honest. This site combined with my Gay & Lesbian Studies course, finally gave me the courage to tell my friends. My friends in NY were all we know, we've known, that's great you finally told us and my friends here in Chicago were a bit shocked, but supportive nonetheless, but...

I'm going home in June for a few days, this was the time I had planned to tell my parents. My finals are nearly over, so aside from moving and finding a job, this has come to the fore-front of my stressors. I know there is a lot of fear involved and taking courage to tell parents, but I'm not exactly dealing with this well right now.

Can any of ya gimme some knowledge (since I really don't have any, relatively new) or your stories? I know I can read about Amaechi, Swoopes or someone more closely related in age (Joe Fisher but I think something more personal would help, if anything suggestions are welcome.

Thanks,
Mike

I don't know if this will help, my brother, but I feel I'm as masculine as they come and everyone I told, kinda already knew. I guess that's one thing to take back with you. They probably already have a hunch. Good luck young Mike!

Remember, you are the same person you were yesterday. Only others perception of you have/will change. Keep that inner strength and honesty with you through this process. One thing I and my friends had in common was that we had built this up in our heads so much, it was almost overwhelming. But then a wonderful feeling after we came out. And don't worry if you change your mind. It MUST feel right for you at the right time. Only you can know that. Best of luck. All my support.
Oh yes, for some reason, moms always know. And they'de rather see you happy and smiling than sad and struggling. God bless them, moms always know.

You may want to read some earlier threads on the subject, such as Coming Out ... and Life after coming out. Good luck with your decision.

Mike, I really do wish I had some great, life-altering experience to relay to lessen the difficulty of the entire coming out proces. Unfortunately, I do not. It varies greatly from person to person.

My experience was to come out only to those I considered friends and to admit it to my family. The reactions from my friends were positive and they were all very supporting. One friend was beyond supportive and we eventually started to date, began to talk more and more each day, and eventually became boyfriends. That was the best part of my own coming out experience.

Unfortunately, my family wasn't equally as supportive. They were largely in shock and then once the shock wore off, they essentially cut me out of their lives with a few exceptions. According to them, my "life of sin" wasn't compatible with their religious ideals. It's why I have a not-so-positive reaction to religions at the present time.

However, all in all, I wouldn't change that experience at all. It has helped to free not just myself but my soul. I am free to be who I am now, and with the one I love. That's why I would trade the difficult storms and setbacks of my past for the current climate of today. It was far from perfect in every way except for the one.

Perhaps you too will find a similar experience. I hope you too will find something positive from coming out, even if it is merely a cathartic process. It will then be worth the effort to cleanse your soul.

Mike your coming out to your parents will be much less of a shock than mine. I was caught "in the act" and at the time, I was the bottom. Let's just say that was not the best side my father had ever seen of me. So, with that said, don't expect everything to run smoothly. Sometimes parents take this thing kind of hard. But telling them will be the best thing you could ever do. Your parents' love for you is without boundaries and while this may not be something they will meet with open arms they will come to terms with it. If you were to never tell them, then they would never truly know their son and what a huge loss that would be to all of you.

I wish you all the best and I pray things will go as smoothly as they possibly can. Take care.

I came out to my parents and family when I was 22 years old. (Good God, almost 10 years ago now!) I did it over a holiday - Thanksgiving - because I was only ever back home for holidays and I figured it was better to "ruin" Thanksgiving than Christmas. ha ha. I didn't realize it at the time, but there were some good things about my situation that I feel may apply to your coming out too.

I was young and didn't have a serious boyfriend at the time. I don't know your relationship status, but from your picture and talking about a gay/lesbian studies course, I gather that you're fairly young. I think that's an advantage. For my part, I had never so much as kissed a guy when I came out. So I wasn't coming to my family asking them to focus on too many things. It wasn't "I'm gay, process that, oh and here's my life partner I want you to know." My family is Southern Baptist, so I don't know that they could appreciate such subtleties, but I am happy that I came out to them at a point in my life where it was only about me and who I am intrinsically. It was raw, open, and painful; but it was focused on the issues that needed illumination and there was nothing else getting in the way or muddying up the situation.

So, it was ugly and then time passed and they had a chance to deal with my being gay in whatever way they wanted to. By the time I did have a serious boyfriend who was an important part of my life and something I wanted to discuss with them, the gay aspect of that relationship was no longer such a sensitive subject. It's worked well that way for me. In fact, my mom is coming at the end of the month - her first visit to NY in almost ten years - and she's actually looking forward to meeting my boyfriend. That's not to say that anyone in my family has done a complete turnaround and is fine with homosexuality. But they've come to accept the situation and at least give me the respect I demanded by coming out in the first place.

By coming out over Thanksgiving, I was home and with the family for a long enough time that we could scream and cry and argue; however, there was also a self-set END date. That's a good thing, my friend. Just as important as the fact that you've decided to take this trip in June as an opportunity to come out is the fact that the trip in June will end at a specific time. You'll be able to go back to Chicago, period. Regardless of their reaction or how positively/negatively it goes, you will know it's only for a few days and then you get some distance and can go on with your life honestly. The natural space that living away from your family provides will be good for all parties involved.

I'd say go into it expecting it to be unpleasant. And that's okay. Sometimes in life, things are unpleasant. Be as zen about it as you can and try to accept the situation as it happens, in the moment, for whatever it is. There's really no way to anticipate their response anyway. It's better to focus your energy on the things you can control - your honestly, your self-worth, your reasons for wanting to tell them that you are gay. If they surprise you and are 100% supportive, you're one of the lucky ones. That said, you seem sure enough of yourself and your convictions. That is the right start. You'll have to hold onto that self-belief if things aren't perfect. It's hard to hurt/disappoint people you love. But, as the fabulous Gabriela Sabatini once said, "part of growing up is learning to tell people how you feel without worrying too much about how they will react."

Of course, if you need to "talk" as the big day approaches or after it has come and gone, Outsports really is a great site for that. By and large, the people here are pretty nice folks. And remember that - ultimately - you love your family and they love you. That's why you're doing this. And that's why it's so emotionally charged from both sides. But love is worth the struggle. You can only love when you're open and honest with yourself, your family, and eventually any men that come into your life. This is the first step towards allowing yourself to love and be loved. I promise, it is worth it, and I've never met a single person who regretted coming out. Everyone has their time. This is yours. Good luck.

That response was nothing short of AWESOME!!!!

Good Luck!

One thing to remember, is how long you've been thinking about this and coming to terms with it. One thing some of us forget is this, and we expect those we tell to be all accepting and open right away. It's not PC to say, but for a son to tell his parents he is gay, might just "change" all the thoughts and dreams they had for you when you were growing up (or at least they might think that...doesn't mean it's true). Give them time to wrap their minds around it, and absorb it. Yes, most of us can adopt and have kids and have partners we share our lives with, but it is still significantly different than what most parents envisioned. Hell, that's different then what I envisioned growing up. Most of the time parents get it, or course each experience is different.

Good point. I was going to say that very same thing earlier but thought I would get blasted for it. This life is not the one your parents dreamt for you or any of us. So, naturally it may come as a shock to them. Just be there for them, as hopefully they will be there for you too.

Mike

You're about to do something that I wish to God I had. I am 52, (sob, old), and lost both my parents 10 years ago. I never came out to them, and by that time, Wayne and I had been together for 17 years. Yes, I'm sure they knew, but I never had the conversation. Instead, I walked away.
I am so glad that you are not repeating my stupid mistakes. They may get angry, yell, scream, cry etc., bu they are your parents, and the next morning, they will still love you.
And as a previous poster said, we're all here for support.
May God grant you peace

Grant

Wow MetsFan, you're about to open the closet door and step outside. That is a colossal step in your development and takes more courage than most people have. There are people that lack the emotional fortitude to be honest with themselves or others. Congratulations! Now, let me give you some tips:

1) Be prepared for a negative reaction. I know you're saying "I already expect this", but just be prepared to brace yourself. Nothing hurts more than if a family member rejects you. If this happens, just consider that you have told them something earth-shattering. They may be in denial; in fact, my dad still thinks it's a phase....8 years later! Just remember this is part of the process.

2) Be honest with your family. They will ask some uncomfortable questions. But the fact that they even BOTHER to ask is encouraging; that means they want to know more. Giving them snide answers will be detrimental to both sides.

3) Be patient . They might be OK with it right away or it might take them years. Keep in mind that they still love you and nothing will change that. However, don't expect them to process something like that and acknowledge it in two days. It took my mother about six or seven years to accept me for who I am. But our relationship has grown since then. We don't talk about sex or dating, because 1) I have no dating life of which to speak, and 2) who wants to talk about sex with their parents? .

Remember that you need to do this for yourself; it's more for your benefit than for theirs. I'm very proud of you. We will all be here to support you. God give you the strength you need .

Peace,

Kurt

As different as everyone's story is, it's great to see some similar tones of encouragement. No one can predict how your family will take the news, but you've already seen from your own friends that there is support out there. Hopefully the messages here help you find some support in here as well.

Mike, your message reminds me so much of the trepidation I had before telling my parents. I was 20 and it was the first summer I didn't come home between Spring and Fall semesters. Madison was an amazingly liberal town to come to terms with being gay. After having success telling friends I knew I had to make the trip home to tell my parents. I had my own self-set date and made my plans.

Home was about 45 minutes away from campus, so coming home over the weekend was not out of the ordinary, but my folks always went out of their way to set time aside when I could make it there. I knew I had great parents who were so proud of me, but I didn't want to do anything to tarnish that pride. I had always been an athlete and had several girlfriends in college. It was a tough decision to make, but I knew they would want to know the truth. My mom grew up with a gay cousin and they were still close so I called him in advance to ask if I could have my mom talk to him if she had any trouble with "the news." He was so shocked by the phone call. I saw the guy maybe once a year for holidays but he was very kind and supportive.

So I set off for home knowing I had a support line in place for my mom. But my dad was always the conservative one and I dreaded his response. I made sure I had music in the car that would keep me thinking positive or at least distracted. Since this was well before I had a mobile phone (it was 14 years ago, so it wasn't THAT uncommon) once I left Madison, I was on my own. No phone calls to friends for last minute support.

I was sure the lump in my throat was visible. The build up at this point was killing me.

I made it through dinner and we were about to watch some movie on TV. I turned the TV off and told them I had something I wanted to talk to them about. My hands were dripping with sweat at this point and the pent up emotion was threatening to gush from my eyes. The TV was off so they KNEW something was up, but they waited calmly for my revelation. "Mom, Dad... I'm gay."

I never felt so vulnerable.

To my shock, the pause was mercifully short before my mom spoke, "Well, your father and I have spoken about this before and had come to the conclusion that either 50/50 you were gay. We still love you either way." My dad nodded his agreement.

Tears gushing. From just me. They seemed strangely prepared for this.

I told them I thought mom might be okay because of her cousin, but that I was really surprised by my dad. I'll never forget how bemused he was with this. "Well, I read a lot of books," he said.

I was totally floored. I had built this up to be some HUGE pilgrimage and they had already been fully prepared for it. They were just waiting to see how it unfolded.

It wasn't long before we were playing cards or some board game after that.

I knew I had always been lucky with how good a family I grew up in, but this was more than I ever imagined. Putting myself through the wringer may have been stressful, or even silly looking back, but it probably helped me in the long run. To get to that point I really had to put my thoughts in order. I had to come to terms with everything before I could face my parents. Facing anyone after that would be easy.

Good luck, Mike. I hope your parents surprise you in the way mine did.

Best of luck to you. This is a big moment in your life. Prepare yourself that some in your family or social circle might not take it very well. This is no reflection on you. This is just them. My father took 13 years to come around to accept me the way I am.
Be patient with them. Just like it took you a while to get comfortable, it will take them a while, as well.

Keep us posted with how you are doing.

No better words have been spoken than those.

First off, Mike, good for you! You'll never regret letting those closest to you know who you are...and Who you are is not only enough, it's the prize...I sincerely echo Kurt (falconpride's) posting because I think he perfectly framed what happens afterwards and where your expectations should realistically land...but, know that those who love you will deeply appreciate that you trusted them with the information...maybe not immediately, but in the long term for sure...

I didn't choose when I came out...both of my parents found out through others, and actually it was just fine, it forced me to be very articulate about my situation...I was going through a breakup with my first love and it was truly rough, but I was more honest than I might have been if I wasn't in such an emotionally vulnerable place..

I'll reiterate what Kurt wrote: Don't expect anything from them..The most important thing is to get it out there...because everyone needs time to deal with their reactions, to process..but that can't start until you come out...It takes time...

I don't have anything new to say, plenty of smart guys have already commented..

Just know that once your parents know, you'll feel freer than you've ever felt before..it's a huge step in your personal journey...and you should congratulate yourself...

Well to everyone, I really must thank you all. You guys have helped in giving some stories or links and a boost of confidence that everything goes smoothly in 3 weeks.

A little background info:

I'm 23, and only recently out to friends which I explained I think in the first post. We've lived in NY for all of our lives, which I think is a plus, since it's more liberal then let's say anywhere in the Midwest or South. I guess you could say I'm closer with my Mom, were both into art so that helps and only until recently have my dad and I had actual conversations. We talk sports a lot, its kind of family thing (we're all Mets fans, but my dad is a fairweather fan, ugh) so its not like were all cut off from eachother. I've told my brother, and he is the jock of the family, he plays football on his Divison II college team, I am more interested in baseball, wish I could play, anyway. I think my brother being cool with it has helped a lot in shaping how I think my parents will feel about it.

Right now, I've got some timid confidence. Theres one side that's all it'll be ok, they'll be happy for ya and love ya and then theres the other side, which is about the complete opposite. Since most of you guys said not to expect anything, I'm trying to let go of those two notions and go in with a clear head. Also, I kind of have it planned out as to how I'm going to tell them, but I was talking to a friend and she said that it was too formal and it'll be very disruptive etcetc.. I was either after dinner or when both were home, have them come and talk with me in the lving room or at the dining room table, whichever and just say "guys i need to tell you something..... yadayadayada" is it too formal or should I ask what they think of gay marriage or another topic and go from there?

Once again, thanks tenfold to all you that answered and shared your opinions, thoughts and comments.
-Mike

Whatever you decide I am not sure sandbagging them with a question about gay marriage is the right way to start. If they have an opinion that you don't like you will immediately be upset and on the defensive. As for how or when, it depends totally on you family dynamics ... formal or informal... all together or one by one... etc.

If you want something informal, and since you live in NY, how about a walk in a nearby park? Stop at some wall/rock/bench overlooking the water were you are alone, and tell them ' I love you both, and there's something important I have been meaning to discuss with you ...'

At minimum I would recommend making sure it is a time when you are all relaxed, there is nothing else vying for their attention, and you all have a little leeway to collect and present your thoughts clearly and calmly...

I know many people who have come out to their families over the holidays - one who told me he just popped out with it during Thanksgiving dinner conversation - and I always thought that was asking for trouble. IMO get them at a less stressful, mellower time where they can absorb it without other distractions.

Best of luck

R

My announcement was very formal. I waited until Thanksgiving dinner was over, at least. Ha ha. But since they were all collected in one place, that was my opportunity. I stood up and said there was something I wanted to tell everyone. I can't imagine coming out not being formal to a certain extent, because it's something that's built up inside you and you want to have a talk about it. Anytime you start a conversation with, "I need to talk to you ..." (or something similar), it creates a very formal tone. I agree that the key thing should be having the discussion where you feel most comfortable. If it feels right to you to tell them after dinner, tell them then. If it feels better going on a walk, go for a walk. You're going to be so tense in the moments leading up to talking to them that you might as well do what little you can to ease your own stress.

I had told my two sisters I was gay before coming out to the rest of the family. I actually wrote them letters. It was good, because that sort of forced me to be brave and finish the coming out process. It didn't seem fair to have them try to keep a secret that was mine, so I had to go all the way. There was no chickening out, no turning back. So I think telling your brother in advance was another smart move. And his reaction has been supportive, which is indeed cause for encouragement, and - if nothing else - you know you have someone "on your side" (for lack of a better expression).

I too worried more about my father than my mother in advance of coming out. I think there's a natural fear of disappointment in the father-son dynamic; something very primal about not carrying on the bloodlines or not "being a man." Those pre-conceived notions are put upon all of us from the time we're old enough to walk in one way or another, and even when you recognize that it's a mold not everyone will fit into, it's still hard to shake those expectations. Again, it's hard to feel like you're disappointing someone you love. I'm actually named after my father and I fretted a ton over the fact that he had given me his name and I wasn't going to have any children. Your brain knows it's kind of stupid to worry over stuff like that, but you're heart can't help it. I don't know for certain how much of that you're feeling versus how much of that was my own issue, but if it is something you're thinking about, the best I could say is take it for what it is and don't be too hard on yourself or on your father because of it. Once he knows, those things have a way of fading into the background as you reestablish your relationship over time.

I was talking with curtj about coming out, actually, and he noted that no matter what people's personal experiences - be they negative or positive in terms of family reaction - everyone is encouraging. You don't hear anyone saying, "oh no, don't do it!" I think that's because, ultimately, you come out for yourself. It is so liberating not to carry around that giant secret, and it's wonderful not to have to censor yourself and your emotions. And it helps you let go of any shame you might feel about who you are. Shame that you never should have been burdened with in the first place. You may not be able to appreciate that right now, going through all the heightened emotions in advance of coming out, but you will be proud of yourself for this. And, not for nothing, it takes balls to come out of the closet. That's a 'real man' in my book anyday.

I came out to my parents the summer between undergrad and graduate school. My reasoning was that was going to be the last time I spent several months living at my parents' house. I wanted there to be time to continue discussion. I didn't want to come out and disappear a few days later. In the end, I don't think length of time at home made a difference, but that was my thought process anyway.

My parents did not sleep the night I told them.

It took me two years to get comfortable with myself after I first acknowledged my orientation. I decided that I wouldn't take any reaction or request of my parents too seriously, personally, or emotionally, until 2 years after I told them. I'd suggest to anyone coming out to think similarly about how long it took for them to become comfortable with themselves and give their parents the same amount of time.

That's what I was trying to say, so less eloquently orsino.

Hi MetsfanChi
My personal opinion/advice is that it is not important to “come out” to everyone – just those that you have (or want to have) an intimate relationship with.

The only people that I’ve come out to are my circle of friends in the Gay community here in San Jose. Otherwise, I absolutely do not make it a point to discuss any aspect of my sexuality with anyone outside of this group or those who I am intimate with. Accordingly, I don’t think anyone in my work place (or any other area of general contact) is aware of my Gay inclination.

It’s not because I think that being Gay is a bad thing, it’s just that I personally don’t consider my own sexuality or my private life to be anyone else’s business.

Nevertheless, if you feel comfortable with coming out to more people than what I have enumerated, I wish you good luck and I hope it provides you with more "peace of mind" and happiness in your life.

CaliforniaDolphin

Actually, I disagree with you. If that works for you, then that's fine, and all the more power to you.

In my case, even tho I never told my parents, I am completely out, both in my neighbourhood and at work. I live in a small town about 75km north of Toronto, and the town is known for being redneck heavan. In my neighbourhood, it hasn't fazed anyone, including the cop that lives across the street. We all get along fine, and a bunch of us sit in the driveway on warm nights and drink beer and talk about anything and everything. Wayne and I are treated no differently.

At work, I made sure I was open when I first joined the company about 7 years ago. My reasoning, is that since I am in a mangement position, I didn't want anything to come back and haunt me. I also wanted to find out, in advance, what the attitudes of my bosses were. If they weren't comfortable with it, then I would have declined the offer. They were supportive, and even now, regularly include Wayne in company functions. I was also the management liason with the employee GLBT group for 2 years.
None of that has hurt my career. I am still considered the SME in my field. Maybe it's different because it's in Canada, but even my employees that aren't comfortable with it, know to separate it from the person I am at work. I spent too many years miserable to hide who I am now.

But, again, that works for me. Everyone must find their own path. Sometimes it has potholes, but eventually it gets smooth.

MetsfanChi,

Everyone has given you great advice here so I'll keep it brief.

One thing that is important to say to you is that when you do come out you'll discover who REALLY loves you UNCONDITIONALLY. I hope & pray that everyone's response is positive. However, be prepared if that's not the case. Sometimes we discover when we come out that so & so who we thought "loved/liked" us, no matter what, actually do so CONDITIONALLY. And yes, w/ some time those that seem to love us conditionally may one day come around to love us unconditionally. The point is you'll discover who TRULY is family, friends, co-workers, close school mates, neighbors, etc. Goodluck.

Ray

SoGayTv - coming out stories

Here are a few coming out stories from SoGayTv, the mom's comments at the end are interesting.
As others have said, we all took time to accept ourselves and we have to allow our loved ones some time and space as well.

I'm kind of surprised Metsfan that you don't have any inclination as to how your parents feel about gay relationships.A lot of times hearing some homophobic remark made by a loved one is what keeps some people in the closet.I told my Mom when I was 22 and the first thing she said was "I don't think you're sure"
If she knew how long it took to muster up the strength to tell her,well,let's just say I'm sure.I wish you all the best and I hope it goes smoother than you ever thought possible!

Congrats on setting a coming out day, Metsfanchi. I wish I had done that but I kept putting it off. Wanting not to disappoint my mother. But after a weekend, in which my younger brother set me up with a girl, that liked me. I was so upset and disgusted with my brother, I confronted my mother, thinking she knew about the set up. I sat with her on the front porch and told her how I hated being set up. And didn't want that to happen again because I had feelings for guys. I told her about a crush I had on a former coworker. I think she understood because I was really upset when he got fired. Since then we haven't talked about the subject much. She tells me she hasn't told other family members like my aunts and uncles. She has talked with it with my best friend (fag hag - hate that expression). And my sister was involved in that conversation. I hear from my BF that they all cried together. I just can't seem to find the words to tell my sister that I'm gay. I'm sure she'd want to hear it from me but I just can't. She already has a gay brother-in-law and says she couldn't stand to be around him for 24 hours. That doesn't make me feel good but he is so much more flamboyant than I am. I haven't even told my brothers or my father. Neither of which I've ever been close to. I do take baby steps when coming out to people. I came out to my stepsister (via email) last year, after telling her I attended my first gay pride parade/weekend. She took it well and was glad I trusted her with my secret. This year I came out to a former high school friend I met up with on myspace. She also took it well and wished I had told her in HS, because she was crushing on me back then. If I saw these two, day in and day out, I don't think I would have come out. But since they're miles away I found it safe to tell them.

My dad has kind of made some remarks if I remember correctly, but I think that since my Mom and I are fairly liberal, he's kinda toned it down. I have this feeling of excitement/anxiousness about it, but not the bad kind. The I want to go home and tell them and talk about it anxiousness, which is weird from what I gather. Nothing has really scared me off except my own fear of acceptence, eddie.

I guess the other thing is, my mom and her sisters/mom are pretty close, so they tend to share a lot of information between each other. I really don't care if they say anything to eachother, but after reading the replies, maybe I should just outta consideration of the affect/my privacy.

Thanks again.

Don't let people here discourage you, or let their fears and concerns limit you.

"Never take counsel of your fears." - General Thomas Jonathon [Stonewall] Jackson

There is nothing more fulfilling than being able to own a life lived openly and honestly. I have never met anyone who ten years later said 'Gee, I wish I had stayed in the closet!'

The first person I came out to was a longtime friend and workout buddy. We would frequently go to his place afterward to watch videos and have a beer, or before going out for the evening to some local college bars. He would sometimes suggest meeting at my place since I lived somewhat closer to campus; I would inevitably make some stupid excuse not to. One night several months later, over a beer at one of the bars, I managed to tell him my deep and shameful secret, the reason I couldn't invite him over to my place (I was gay and had a gay room mate). My workout buddy told me he was glad I could confide in him, paused a moment, then told me that it was a damn shame, since he had really been hoping to get introduced to my roommate. He had seen him from a distance and thought he was really hot.

I got home that night and for the first time in my life I began to cry; I cried for hours. I couldn't stop. It was like a huge weight had been lifted off my chest that had been suffocating me without my knowledge. Now, for the first time, I could be totally honest with someone I knew. I didn't have to make stupid excuses. I didn't have to lie to him. It was just one person, but the relief, the release of the tension on my shoulders, was totally out of proportion. It was probably the most liberating thing I had ever done for myself.

Now it is many years later, and most of my aquaintances, and all of my friends and family, know. Did some of them take it badly? That is an understatement; BUT, I don't have to lie to anyone anymore, or make up excuses, or evasions. I am free to be who I really am, and it is a lot less stressful. I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Don't do it until you are comfortable, but then do it for yourself. It may be one of the most liberating experiences of your life.

You are not giving up your privacy, you can be as specific or not as you wish with anyone. What you are doing is allowing yourself to stand up for yourself and say 'This is who I am, and I am OK with that; I will not hide anymore.'


R

Excellent post Rob!

Sit everyone down and say "I have an important announcement to make...I am...now a Cubs fan." Anything you say after that won't be nearly as horrifying.

And at least they will be immensly relieved that he's not a Yankees fan...

R

No, no! That would be quite good news to be a Yankees fan. It would soften the blow of coming out. Any discriminating pro baseball fan will tell you that.

As for the actual topic, coming out is a serious matter, not to be taken lightly. Yet, I would hope one could include a moment of levity with it.

Gawd, kill me first!!!

yea seriously, I think my Mom would slaughter me if I told her I was a Cubs or Yankmees fan.

Wow! ! ! This has been an interesting read of relationships and communications. I grew up in a time and place where being 'gay' was not quite the right thing to do. The women of the extended family seemed to have the inclination to think I was gay, the men tended to have the same point of reference as mine, that it was not really a topic of discussion... Some guys just did that sort of thing. I was the youngest in this age old family so I never really felt that much a part of it.

I tend to agree with not really having to tell anyone other than those with whom I share a daily experience, or tickets to the Cowboys. I mean, mom would never really understand the concept of top or bottom.

However, if I were to take that leap of disclosure with the family I think I'd start out by saying that I might be taking a job in China. After the wild discourse abates, I'd go on to explain that the job could be denied because I was gay. I mean, damn, how could they come down on me for being gay when it cost me the adventure of a lifetime.

But then, I would have sent a postcard from HongKong before they even knew I was missing.

Good luck, just make them feel good about themselves.

A little more honesty here.

I've never really been a jock. I've always tried to be "in shape", but didn't do well. I won't say I was severly overweight and whatnot, just average. Up until now, I just finished taking a Personal Wellness class and now I'm getting into better shape and going to a free(!!!) gym with my PW teacher as the personal trainer.

So my point is, I don't really identify with most of the gay culture (which from what I gather, most here don't either). I've just always found sports to be more interesting then a Madonna concert. So I guess that is why I'm here on this board, at this site, reading everyone's coming out story and it feels like I'm lacking something. A local sport team would be nice, even though I haven't played real basketball since about 14, baseball since 12 (being generous) and soccer since around 14. I'm always up for a pick-up game, but none of my friends are. I know there are a few other Chicago athletes here, my question is how competitive are the gay sports teams here, cause I definitely would like to get involved a little more.

Blah,
Mike

Oh for the love of Ganesh, enough already with the equating of gay culture with madonna, and the flaming queens, and the campness, and the limp wrists and the nancy boys, and the ..., and the ... . You play hide the sausage with another boy, you're identifying with the gay culture. Let's face it, we're all screaming queens when we're coming round the mountain, straight acting be damned.

But I like the flaming Madonna loving queens! They're what make Pride fun.

it all seems so stale and jaded,now.

Well first congratulations on taking the step of coming out, like many others have said you won’t regret it.
As for the family situation just do what is feels right at the time. I came out right after I graduated from college but before I moved 3000 miles across the country. My situation was a bit different because I first told my friend who I was moving in with over the phone and then the next day told my family. There was no plan prior to telling my soon to be roommate (a girl who had misunderstood are relationship and that me moving out to Cali and being her roommate would not mean we would be a romantic couple). Once I told her I just sort of said well the parents/family is next so best get to it before it gets back to them some other way.

I did it right after we had finished having dinner. My mom, dad and sister were all there and I was waiting for my brother to get home since he was running late. Well we had finished dinner and my brother still wasn’t there but I couldn’t wait any more. I started it off with a “I don’t really know any other way to tell you guys this but to just say it, I am attracted to men, I want to date men.” The reaction was a bit of shock I think. A few seconds went by (it seemed like minutes) without anyone saying any thing and then it started. My sister was the first to speak and the first thing she said was “Cool, I have a hot friend, Brady, that I want to hook you up with.” After we all kind of chuckled, my dad was the next one to speak and he just asked if it was the reason that I was moving across the country because if it was I didn’t have to. My mom mentioned that her and my sister had already talked about the possiblity of me being gay. A few more questions were asked both that night and over the next few days then things become normal again. I have a great relationship with my family still and they have been nothing but supportive even though we never really talked about it after those first few days. They include my boyfriend in everything and sometimes I think they like him more then me.
One thing I would warn about though is be prepared for question that are pretty personal. It is your choice how much info you want to give them but the questions that came to me where sometimes fine and others were a little more personel than I cared to share with my family.

As for the others in my family, my brother and other sister my mom told, as for aunts, uncles, cousins, I just let them find out on a need to know basis. I never hide it, I always bring my boyfriend back with me from Cali to visit, obviously some have figured it out now but the first time I am sure we were the talk of the night at my brothers wedding.

I do not want to hijack the thread so I won't comment on the "gay culture" comment in this thread -- if your interested in my response to that please see the new thread that I am going to start.

Anywho good luck and please remember that you have a group of people pulling for you and wishing you nothing but the best.

Hey Mike, I lived in Chicago for 5 years and they have organizations for just about every sports interest at every level. Whether you check out the recreational level of their basketball league or throw darts in a social league. Or just catch a Cubs game for Out at the Park.

Chicago is a great town to meet guys outside of the bar scene around whatever common interest you are looking for.

CMSA runs leagues for just about everything else as well, so that's another great place to start.

The football and basketball leagues have grown so big there that they are able to offer recreational divisions for folks that are interested in sports, but just never played much. And honestly, those teams always seem to be having so much fun. Check it out and have fun!

Can we hear an AMEN!

But I must say that you should check out this parody of her aka Medusa. It's a hoot! Probably my favorite parody of all time...That's perhaps because I've never liked her as a singer or an actress. Never really understood the infatuation w/ her. She's never been original, but simply has capitalized on ripping off other music styles/sounds that were "in."

Oh, I can see the flying daggers coming my way already!

I've alway admired Madonna for being a master marketeer. For herself of course. But really never went after her music. And, she's a mediocre hoofer.

T

Well, THAT must've been rather awkward!

Anyway, when I told my parents a few years back, they had a reaction along the lines of "yeah, we figured as much."




Ain't THAT the truth!

I can see his folks telling him, "We were hoping you were a White Sox fan!!!"

Well, I told one of the my teacher's. He's a great teacher and an a all round great person too. I told him I had no idea on how to say it and he sat down with me for 20 minutes discussing how I could talk to parents and to be prepared for any reaction. Most of what was said on here is what he echoed, so I've got a day left to figure out my best approach.

Thanks again everyone.

The anticipation is going to be the worst part about the next several hours. Stay as calm as you can and trust your gut. You'll be fine.

Good luck!

WELL????
How did it go? Or is it still to early?
Inquiry minds and all that.

Well I had planned on telling them at dinner on Friday night, but my brother had a friend over and my Dad was rushing to go see my Gma in the hospital(long story), so I delayed it. I was thinking about the whole time, talking to friends, they kept checking up on me. I almost made myself sick thinking about it, so it was bad, until my friend showed up and we went out for a little bit.

So Saturday came and of course its running through my mind. I'm being really quiet, trying to find the time to say it. My dad gets home from work and I decide nows the time. I go outside to put my thoughts together and my Mom comes out a minute later and asks whats wrong, I told her to hang on, went inside and got my Dad. So we're sitting outside at the table.

Me(choking back tears): Well there is another reason why I came home(I said I was home for my friends birthday) and that is to tell you guys I'm gay.

And that was that. Apparently I was shaking with fear and my Mom kept asking if I was ok and I just said it was really difficult to say. She said she thought she knew and that I shouldn'tve been scared to say anything. She asked if I was seeing someone, which I am not and she said to just be safe. My dad I think thinks its just a stage and that I'll grow out of it. He asked why I had bought some Maxim magazines in high school and before I could answer, my Mom said it was to read the articles. My dad asked if I had seen Philadelphia, which I haven't and he told me to be safe as well. The highlight though was when I told them I had a job the previous day at a bar, my Dad asked what kind of bar is it? I looked away and my Mom asked if it was a gay bar, I said well its a gay sports bar and they got ohhh think we're hot stuff etc etc, haha. And for those in Chicago, check out North End


Overall, I guess it was good, I still felt really uneasy after the whole conversation, did that happen to someone ever? As of now, I feel relieved, still a little timid, but overall a lot better.

It sounds like things went well overall and I'm happy for you in making this big step. It was a huge relief to me, too, but still difficult because I knew my mom was devastated even though the news wasn't truly a surprise. I was able to go back to my life in Boston feeling a huge burden had been lifted while my mom struggled with guilt and blame for many months in spite of my reassurances that it was just who I was and nothing had happened to me to make me that way. She did alot of reading and came to believe this herself and has always been very supportive. As others have said, just as when you first admitted it to yourself, it's now a reality for your parents and it will take time to for them to adjust to it. Like me, it sounds as though you are lucky to have parents who care about your happiness and safety above all else. You'll feel even more positive about your decision to come out as time goes by, I promise!