I figured I'd post this topic and see what kind of responses are posted. I am a closeted gay high school basketball coach. I am 30 years old and I have known for quite some time. I have been struggling with the thought of coming out, but fear that the backlash would hurt my career. I am heavily involved and a leader of my peers at the local, state and national level.

I guess the bottom line is are there a lot of guys out there like me, gay high school coaches that are closted ? I am really looking forward to the responses.

You may want to read through this thread from a guy in a somewhat similar situation.

Thanks Joe, that's a great article. There are probably way more guys out there in similar situations then I think.

Welcome coach, hope you can find some kinship here on the board.
Jim

Wish you luck HoopsCoach. Despite John Amaechi's coming out b-ball culture is still one of the more homophobic in sport.

That must be especially difficult on someone who is a leader at the national level. Considering the potential to influence many adults and young people at a critical stage I can assure you that am pulling for you as much as anyone.

A niece who is playing high school basketball recently visited me. I have always wondered, and perhaps I am stereotyping here, whether there is a disproportionate number of gay men who coach women's basketball.

She frequently spoke of her coaches, one of the two in particular, with a daughterly affection - not surprising since she has been raised by a single mother. She certainly has no problem with the fact that I am gay though that may be a bit biased by the fact that I took her shopping for back-to-school clothes while she was here.

She says that some colleges are considering her since she is taller, and bigger, than the average 17 yr old. She also happens to be pretty severely dyslexic which makes me think that her goal of being a doctor (she spelled it docter in one e-mail to me) may be out of reach. Any advice about young girls considering hoops.

Hey hoops coach -

I am a middle school volleyball coach, 36years old, and though not closeted, it is not spoken about. 99% of town (a small rural town in the Midwest) has no knowledge of the situation, and I hope to keep it that way. I also will be coaching boy’s track and field at the high school level next spring.

Being a gay man and coaching girls is a totally different ball of wax than coaching boys. The thought of having a gay guy as your varsity coach is too much for most teenage boys. I know it would have been for me, most likely because I was quite closeted in HS. It also feels socially benign for a gay guy to coach girls, but a predator to coach boys. This is as far from the truth as it can be, social projection on the situation, and your demeanor and journey out of the closet will be the primary factors on how you will be accepted.

Some of the guys on here might remember that SI did a story in the summer of '05 or '06 on a study done on the four major sports and their comfort of having a gay teammate. Hockey was the most accepting and the NBA was the least, (but not far above baseball). They used poll statistical analysis as well as social climate and cultural backgrounds to help explain it. I am unable to put my finger on the study, and know it was on these boards at the time, so if someone would like to find it, that would be great.

Keep us posted, hoopscoach.

Welcome coach,

You are certainly not alone. Here's one of our more popular/success stories that I personally have enjoyed. It's quite long, but well worth the read. Enjoy & good luck to you in whateever you decide to do. Only you can know what's right for you & whether or not you should come out. I also believe that coach Hawkins would love to hear from you & give any sound advice...

You mention that you're closeted @ work, but what about outside of work?

I don't think you give kids enough credit. No one I have ever coached has been anything but cool with my sexuality. And while most don't know while they are my players, some have and been cool. For those that found out after they graduated, all have been 100% supportive. Part of it may be my closeness in age to them, the fact that I went to the same school 10 years ago, know many of their famlies, etc... But if you are someone they know and respect, they won't turn on you.

I'm a big proponent that when you coach your personal life is just that -- your personal life. Gay or straight, I think a coach has a responsibility to keep it a neutral as possible at practice.

All that being said -- I've never had anyone in my sport, at the high school, college and professional level, have anything but respect for me.

First off, I appreciate all the supportive replies. Lax Man had an interesting point. I agree with him as far as former players. Over the playing years younger coaches are able to develop bonds with their players. Finding out about their coaches orientation down the road doesn't affect the relationship as they are more mature and appreciative of what we have done.

That being said, if somehow the community or team was to find out, would the response be the same? So many kids follow their parents and many are close minded and would question a gay male coaching their son. Also, as word spreads, how about the taunts and ridicule the players would hear while on the field or court.

I understand that some may respect the situation, but feel that if it was common knowledge amongst all, it would not be as easy.

I imagine at the high school level, that sort of thing would be fairly easy to quell. An official wouldn't put up with racial taunts, I doubt the official would allow homophobic taunts.

Things can be stopped to an extent, but still will go on. Having played and coached, I have heard some terrible comments passed on the court from both players and coaches. In the end it becomes hearsay and another case of iggnorance.

laxmanmd,

You make some very good points and I agree with most of what you said. I was not trying to sound pesimistic or overly caustic about the possiblities, it just comes from my expereince and the possiblities that exsist in the town where I live and coach. Personal life is, as you make clear, just that, a personal life.

In rural settings it is very different that in urban/suburban settings where exposure to differnt people and cultures, regardless, is a common and daily reality of life. Might I be "selling kids shourt"? Sure, I might be. And like you said it takes a close personal relatinoship with your athletes to help them see past the difference. Yet it often takes for them to go to college and see a different world.

Hoops, keep up the great work, and would like to hear things go.

Instead of focusing on your sexuality, you should be focusing on your win-loss record. That will be the final determining factor of whether you stay or go. The gay lax coach wasnt fired because he was gay. While he was so focused on his sexuality, he lost focus on the other factors that truly mattered.
Furthermore, your players and administration must question your mental toughness as a coach. There's a saying in sports called: "Between the lines". When you step "between the lines", all worries, troubles, problems, ailment, etc must vanish. You need to be completely focused on the task at hand, whether it be workouts, practice, or games. If you allow other stuff to influence you when you're "between the lines", then you obviously should rethink your position...

As for the difference between coaching boys and coaching girls, I don't think there's enough space to type. Girls are more social, more supportive, more coachable, more appreciative, and more caring. If you love to teach the game, girls are for you.

That's your opinion. I'm sure the coach would disagree. I know I do.

"that's your opinion"....no it's a fact. Did it state anywhere in the article that he was fired because he was gay? Nope. Instead, it pointed to his win-loss record going south, unhappiness of players, etc.

Well we don't know that it is a fact. It's the reason they gave for firing him but then again they couldn't very well come out and say they fired him because he is gay. They wouldn't be the first employer to fire someone because they were gay and give an alternate reason for doing so.

Which YOU INTERPRET as "he was focused on his sexuality." Go learn the definition of "fact."

He obviously wasnt focused on the program or his team....otherwise, it wouldnt have gone south. I didnt feel sorry for him one bit...nor do i for this coach.

Perhaps he just didn't have enough good players. Or perhaps HIS PLAYERS were too focused on their coach's sexuality.

It's sorta interesting reading this from a college athlete's perspective. Personally I would welcome a gay coach if for no other reason than it would be nice to know that someone else from within the organization knew where I was coming from, but there are other more important reasons. First of all, though, you will have to forgive me for relying somewhat on stereotypes in what follows.

Generally speaking younger gay men are not tied down by family and relationships in the same way that straight men are. For example, my coach is currently in the unenviable position of managing 2 young children both born during my time on team. The constraints of family have caused him to miss the Head of the Charles which is one of the premier events of the season, and a few smaller races. Not only that, he has to manage being away from his family for training camps, he has to deal with daycare for his kids, and he has to somehow find time to attend to his marriage with his full-time working wife. Although I would say he does a fairly well with the constraints put on his time, his family life necessarily effects his ability to always be an ideal coach and be there for his athletes.

Further, I think that a gay coach may be more sensitive to many issues facing student athletes that fall outside the realm that would usually be talked about and/or considered by many coaches that stick to an older model of 'strictly business, don't ask don't tell'. A coach can play a key role in creating a welcoming space which fosters a sense of trust and ease. By creating a setting where athletes are able to focus on their performance without worrying about how they will be accepted on the team, the whole team is usually better off. I think of it like this: an environment where I am motivated to pull because I would rather die on the oar handle so as not to let down my friends is a far better environment then an environment where I row out of fear of a coach's or team-mates wrath. At very least, the latter environment fosters a culture of excuses and blame passing, at worst it will likely drive people out of the sport. Given the experiences that gay athletes and coaches face in coming to terms and dealing with their sexuality in what is generally a homophobic environment, they are likely to be far more sensitive to these sorts of issues which underlie team dynamic, and should be far more interested in creating a positive space.

Setting all that aside for a second, though, I have to say honestly that I don't know how my team would react to a gay coach, but I think it would depend on the coach himself. If the coach produced results and managed the team well, then I think it would be overlooked. However, I think a gay coach would likely be cut far less slack than a straight coach and that in the wake of poor results issues concerning the coach’s sexuality could act as an added distraction and further inflame the problems the team is facing.

Hey man, I'm closeted and a wrestler in college right now. I didn't realize I was gay until very recently, so I figure I'll let you know what my opinion of a gay coach would have been in high school when I didn't know what I was. Essentially, there was a group mentality where 'machismo' was the most important thing. If one ass**** was on the team, he could shape everyone else's opinion, and I saw this numerous times. So if there is one homophobic ass****, problems might arise if you came out. On the other hand, there were a lot of good guys on my team, and we had 2 of the mentally handicapped kids on the team as our managers, and they were protected like brothers. So basically, high school kids have a great capacity for good, but one rotten apple can spoil the bunch. I know I said some very stupid things about homosexuals that were prompted by the group mentality and that I deeply regret now, even though I never meant them. Even now, in college, I'm sometimes forced to say things I immediately regret because of the group mentality of the team. If you're a good coach and they're good kids, it shouldn't matter, even though it might. Sorry about my little bit of rambling, I've had a few beers, seems like I need the confidence they provide me with to talk about this sort of stuff, but I hope you get something from this.

Peace

The challenge is that coaches and kids are not the only ones involved at any level of sport. Just look at the conversation above re: lax coach. The studies of young people ( ages 18-25) show a strong move toward acceptance of gay and lesbian people - a very different place than their parents and administrators.

I can only speak from my experience and everyone that has known, and that includes parents, has been totally cool. Fellow coaches, parents, ADs, etc... But especially parents -- they realize what I do for their kids and how much work I put in. Even the ones that might have some issues with homosexuality have nothing but respect for me.

Someone mentioned rural areas ... I'm only speaking from my experience coaching in a suburban area in a pretty liberal state. If I coached in rural Oklahoma would I feel differently -- that's a real possibility. But at the same time, I've coached kids from some very religious famlies (I mean, VERY) and those kids I still keep in touch with. They are totally cool and respect and like me as a person ... it really is an afterthought for them.

Sometimes (a lot of time) I think the media exaggerates this stuff so much. And after a while, you start to believe people will have issues. Even us... we hear about the bad stuff, but there's no reason for a paper to write about the good stuff. People often talk about the number of openly gay athletes, coaches, etc... Just remember that there are tons more out there. Not everyone is going to be highlighted ESPN or in the local paper... not everyone will want to. But I'm sure most on this board knows someone who is a decently accomplished athlete or coach who is gay and out -- and hasn't been profiled anywhere.

That was a bit of a rambling ... but the point is, I think there are a lot more stories of acceptance in sports than people realize.

Other programs in the lacrosse coaches conference blasted the school's decision. They know what it is like to build a program virtually from scratch (which he did) and turn it into a powerhouse (which he did) and then the ins and outs of weathering the ups and downs those programs endure as the team dynamics change through the years. It is niaive to believe that the stated reason in most firings, whether they involve gay employees or no, are the real reasons for the firings; we live in such a litigious society that candor is seldom a practical option in these statements.

The logic of "the program went south, ergo he must not have been focused on the program" is ludicrous. Do you think, for instance, that this year the Notre Dame football coach decided to work on his stamp collection or check out the local South Bend bar scene rather than working with his players? Puhleeze....

You can read my interview with the coach at:
http://ebar.com/columns/column.php?sec=sports&id=124

Hard to say that a guy who did what he did was not focused on his program.

And by the by, I've coached boys and girls and men and women throughout my career. I have found neither sex more social, appreciative, etc. than the others. Their means of expression may in general vary, but if you are encountering such an incredible disparity in the reactions that would support your observation, you might consider the variable could be not the genders involved, but your perceptions or them.

roger

Yes, the stories continue to pop up all over the country, however, it is still an oddity to the culture of sports, not the reality in sports. Not to jump on the unending topic of gay men in pro sports, but acceptance and comfort on the broad scale will not happen until that fateful day comes.