Well shit. I started reading that and thought you were referring to me. Sure enough I scroll up a couple posts and turns out its not me. Where's the love? Thanks you two. HA.

To Matt... I can empathize with your position. If you get a sec, read my story, it'll save my fingers typing a whole bunch. Anyhow... from being a redneck to playing a college sport to showering with people to coaching, I've been there, done that. Assuming that you met up with Jim and Cyd while they were down there and you went to one of the bars I told them about, I'm in your area. But that's just speculation. Hope all is well.

- Kyle (Matthew is my middle name)

PS- I wish I would have redshirted a year so that I could have played in grad school... lucky bastard.

Why haven't you two ever hooked me up?????

Congrats, Matt. Just remember three little words that will serve you well when someone starts asking for details: Too. Much. Information.

While I know I can say TMI when it comes to details... it is kind of fun to share them =P, in fact when I told my straight friends I finally hooked up with a guy, 2 of them even asked for some details of it . They were just asking cuz they were happy for me and one wanted to know if calling me a cocksucker would be a no-no now , they weren't asking cuz they themselves are gay, lol. Anyway, its cool that they were willing to listen to me when I told em about what I did. So while if I feel uncomfortable, I'll say TMI, its fun to tell people about sex, lol, I even told my sister (No details, just that I hooked up with a guy =P) and she was happy for me, going as far as saying that I sound like a much happier person. Didn't tell my dad though... but we do laugh about the girls we've each gotten with, barring him talking about my mom, so I might eventually tell him.

-Matt

Aw, Jim, you're making me blush, I aint that terrific .

-Matt

Maybe because you're unwilling to share details?!?

Hey y'all, I found another guy! After not having any sort of sex for a year, I nearly forgot how awesome it was, and I'm starting to think that its better with guys. I feel a lot more comfortable being around them than women, I guess since we share more common interests, but I can't know exactly why for sure. Anyway, due to this all, I'll probably be posting a little bit less, at least until I'm either back on the team or decide to let more people know, since I'm not going through any mental turmoil or anything of interest in my life that I can post on here.

I guess there is one thing I can say that was interesting though. My one friend started grilling me on what I did with a guy. Hell, he was asking about what positions, what types of sex I had, etc. If he wants that much information, maybe it means he's gay and in the closet himself , which would be niiiiiiiiiiice, cuz he's hotttttt. But yea, things I hadn't even spoken of with any of the gay guys I've met on AIM, he was asking about, just thought it was kind of funny.

-Matt

Cyd and Jim have turned you into a slut. Good going, Cyd and Jim!





How can I share details when there are no details to share???

Nah, a lot of guys just like talking about sex.

Hey, I think I deserve to be allowed to be a slut after not getting any action for like at least half a year if not a year! I don't know the exact length of the drought, because I think I may have been drunk and had sex with a girl but don't remember it... anyhoo... theres something I gotta share!

I was finally comfortable enough with the one guy to go all the way! I really like this guy too, while I don't know about a relationship at the moment, I'll likely limit my sexual activities to just him, so it would be a relationship in all but name. Oh, and apparently gay guys like my ghetto-licious badonka-donk ass! The part about my body I used to hate the most is actually a positive in other people's eyes, who woulda thunk it.

Even so, I'm gonna start working out again, and shrink that thing back down to a more normal size and also get my muscle tone back. I miss my six-pack . I guess I gotta start running too if I want that though, and I need to start eating less Mickey D's with my stoner friends (Oh yea! Now that I'm going out again, I made some new friends here, forgot to share that!). Dammit! Why oh why did wrestling have to impart me with a mild version of anorexia that always makes me think I'm fat unless I have a six pack and fit into a size 30 waist (My ass is so big that I need to buy pants 2 sizes too big, lol, so a size 30 means my waist is a 28).

One complaint I have to say is that when I'm driving to a guy's house, and someone asks me where I'm going, I need to say that I met a girl and am going to visit her. Oh well though, its easy enough to alter the details of what actually happened and make them jealous if they don't have a sex life, lol.

Ok, well I'm gonna call up my straight friends and tell em the news, since they have no sex life at the moment I think they might be living semi-vicariously through me, lol. Its great that my 2 best friends back home are totally cool with me talking about this stuff with em, every time I ask em if it makes em uncomfortable, they say no and want more details. Like Jim said, guys just like to talk about sex, but I can dream that these guys might be gay, right? Cuz they're hot as hell!

-Matt

Matt, I am so glad that things are going so well for you! Size 28 waist and eating Mickey D's? I am soooooo jealous! I hope things continue to work out for you!

This thread is cracking me up, congrats on getting out there (and getting some action) Matt!

Oops, I kinda screwed up how I said that. Size 28 is the goal, right now I'm obese, (sorry about the negative self body image, I can't help it ) a size 30-31, but once I start running and lifting and lose the initial weight, it stays off, like this summer I was eating 3000 calories a day minimum, MINIMUM, and I was a size 28-30 depending on if I was taking creatine and eating extra protein or not. The fattest I've ever been is a size 32, but thats when I was drinking half a bottle of liquor every night and eating 2 family size bags of chips every day, in addition to everything else. But anyway, in relation to what you just posted, yes, when I'm a size 28 I can eat Mickey D's and stay that way, but right now, no, I'm a fatty , lol.

Yeah, and Paris Hilton will win the Nobel Prize for Physics.

Ok... I haven't taken any drugs today, but this whacked out thought just popped into my head and I need to say it. Maybe, just maybe, all the coke that she's snorted over the years is building up in her body. Maybe, just maybe, it has altered her DNA to the point where she oozes cocaine. If this is the case, she can put a stop to all the drug trafficking going on in Bolivia by selling the cocaine coming out of her body! She'd win the Nobel Peace Prize for sure, and her altered DNA might make her a candidate for the Physics one too!

Sometimes I wonder if there is something really wrong with me.

matty,

not sure about the context here but slut can be a good word. as long as you're safe i say carry on. good luck on getting back the girlish figure to go with the boyish charm.

*Blush* Thanks man, heh heh, I'll need luck to get back into shape, after not doing anything physical for a month I have no drive to start up with running and lifting again. That size 28 waist will be mine again though, dammit! Oh, and I'm only doing anything with 1 person at the moment, granted every time we see each other something happens and I've seen him more days than not last week. So I guess slut kinda works, but not in a multiple partners and unprotected sex kind of way.

Sounds great! I'm jealous.

Yea, well nothing really happened last night, so I guess thats cool cuz we can hang out even when no sex is involved. I made him watch Starship Troopers, lol, but I told him that I'd watch one of his musicals in return. I'm scared... The only musical I remember having seen before was "Grease" and I didn't really like it. Oh, and heres something else for y'all, the first girl I ever had sex with just IMed me last night, and I think she wants to hook up again, lol. It's kind of cool cuz I wanna compare sex with guys and girls and see what I like better, lol, but on the other hand, I really like the guy I've been getting with lately, and don't know what to do. One final thing tho, I've decided that starting tomorrow I WILL start working out again and getting myself ready to wrestle next semester, cuz if I'm allowed to I WILL do it. I aint just pretty sure anymore, if I'm allowed to I will wrestle.

-Matt

hahaha. The only two musicals I can remember seeing are Greece and Rocky Horror. both when I was about 14. For reasons I wouldn't admit to myself at the time I did kinda enjoy both of them...

Anyway.... I don't think that sexuality can or should be viewed as binary so on that count experimentation is probably not such a bad idea. The only thing is that you should probably make sure that you are not going to jeopardize anything with this guy you have been seeing, although I sorta think an exclusive relationship at the stage you two are at (having baisically just met eachother) would be pretty ridiculous.

As far as wrestling goes, Best of luck man. Personally I am already feeling fat and lazy and it hasn't been a week.

A week? It only took me 2 days... probably because of the exorbitant amount of alcohol I consumed combined with the fact that I started smoking 2 packs of cigarettes that I always told myself I would smoke when I finally was not wrestling. Oh, and the beer munchies from the alcohol made me a permanent fixture at the food places on campus. After a week, I felt obese and like a heart attack was coming. After 2 weeks I had gained 20 pounds. Oh, it was glorious.

And you're right, while I don't want to jeopardize anything with this guy, it is a bit early to have an exclusive relationship, although I'm not big on random hookups. Then again, I do know this girl intimately so it aint random. Oh well, I aint gonna worry, if stuff happens with that girl, it happens, if not, it doesn't. If I do get into a relationship though, I got a big problem with cheating so then I won't sleep around.

Oh shit, I almost forgot, I'm telling an athletic trainer about my sexuality today. Gonna have a few beers with him too, since I aint on the team right now, he can't get in trouble for it and said it was cool, lol. The dude helped me out a lot last year when I had REAL problems, so I know I can trust him, I mean I'm gonna straight up tell him whats going on rather than baiting him into figuring out what I gotta say.

Oh yea, one more thing, I gotta get a response on this from you guys on the board. The gay guys I've met say they love my huge ass. Like I've said, I hate it. Do y'all like or dislike big asses? I have no real opinion on the matter excluding my own, I'm more of an upper body guy... chiseled pecs, shoulders and arms combined with that V shape you get from big lats all make me drool.

-Matt

I don't know why, but suddenly I thought of the character Bernice of Designing Women when she would say/sing "Black maaaan, black maaaan." But instead I heard "Ass maaaan, ass maaaan." ...

And yes, I'm an ass man.

Now we'll wait for the inevitable "let's see a pic of that ass" replies.

Lol, if I ever do fully come out, I'll post a pic, but until then, y'all will have to use your imaginations. Who knows, I might post a pic anyway, as long as I can find one that doesn't give away who I am, heh heh.

-Matt

Yeah that v-shaped look tapering into a nice tight little (perhaps dimpled) ass drives me nuts. On a related note I really like the look of most swimmers. Still, I wouldn't be opposed to a picture just for, you know, comparative purposes. I mean I can't really be sure that I wouldn't like your ass until I have seen it

speaking of butts

I saw this guy today-he's a construction worker at a big project here in town and he had an ass that you could set a drink on

it was one of the oddest butts I've ever seen on a guy

Matt, I love your posts! Now to your ass! You will find that there are guys who love guys with more prominent behinds and there are guys who love guys with less. Don't worry, there will always be someone out there that will be attracted to you no matter what size you are. Good luck in getting into shape for wrestling. I hope all goes well!

I think CW is just baiting us by bragging about his ass.

I went through two different brands of jeans (Levi and Lucky something or other) today until I finally found a third (Calvin Klein) that didn't pop out at the back due to not being cut for guys with asses. Even then only the ones made of softer (more prewashed?) denim didn't make that ridiculous "v" pointing out in the back.

Black men (like "moi" as miss piggy would say) have had difficulty finding clothing to fit that part of our bodies for as long as we've been a minority market in this country. I often wondered if that is a partial reason some young black guys began hanging their pants halfway down their asses so their underwear show. At least there's no embarassing "v" (especially evident when you don't have a belt on).

I think recently more young guys of all races have bigger butts for dietary reasons. Even without using nutritional supplements (becoming more common among even elementary and high schoolers now I've read) one gets all sorts of additives in foods that may have the same effect as steroids: larger glutes and pecs.

Also the same hormones that end up in animal feeds may be causing greater growth all over for some but only in specific areas for others. It seems to me that a lot more men nowadays have muscly looking bodies.

Personally, I've found that I'm forced to buy jeans 2 sizes too big in the waist no matter what brand. Aeropostale jeans fit me the best from what I've found, with them its almost only 1 size that they're too big. This hasn't been a problem until recently though, because I used to wear JNCO's in high school, lol. Remember those baggy as hell jeans? Yea...

Anyway, I aint black skinned, but I do have the ass of a black woman, lol, besides everyone is black to some degree (I took an anthropology course and learned that people originated in Africa and then spread out. Dark skin is necessary there cuz it acts like sunblock and protects the skin from harmful UV rays. Therefore every white person has a black person at some point in their family history... damn I'm a nerd). So I guess at some point in my family history, the black skin disappeared, but the gimongous ass remained, lol.

Anyway, I think I'll have to check out Calvin Klein to see if their jeans fit me any better than the Aero ones I own. Hopefully it will work, thanks for the advice in the matter.

-Matt

dont know why i am even posting this but feel lucky any of you can fit into jeans that arent made by george forman!

Quick little tidbit for y'all this morning, and getting off the ass topic

I will be telling my coach about my situation within the next two weeks. I told an athletic trainer and a former teammate 2 days ago. The trainer said that he will bring it up with the administration if my coach handles it in the wrong way. He thinks the guy is understanding though and doesn't believe that it will be a problem. If that goes well, I'll likely tell a few more guys on the team in preparation for starting to wrestle again. I don't think I'm not gonna make an announcement though, telling people 1 on 1 seems to be working well and I'm not gonna deviate from something that is working for me. I've decided though that I aint gonna come out publicly, at least this year, because I don't want to deal with heckling or gay-bashing from opposing fans or even people at my school if they decide that a gay person shouldn't be wrestling. Anyway, I gotta get back to studying, figured I'd just post an update.

-Matt

Well i am Glad your going to take the time to talk to people and telling your coach is fine and a few friends, but people are going to say what ever they want to say when it comes down to it. when your on the mats or out some where its going to happen. human nature says that someone will say something to a person you really dont want to knwo and thats it the butter fly effect starts. Hell while playing in a football game the coach on theother taem called me a "Fag". i mean i used it to my advantage and started telling the guy on defense he had a great ass, but that was funny to the rest of my o-line. your going to face advesity no matter how you go about it but knwo this make sure your boys with the tough guys on the team. I found that when your boys with them people will say waht ever they want but the know nott to mess you with and the creed stilll sticks " Bros before hoes"!

Oh believe me, one of my recurring dreams is that someone calls me a fag in a wrestling match or an MMA fight (I wanna get into that when I'm done wrestling) and then I whoop their ass and get to say, "Now you can tell your boys that a fag just whooped your ass"...

Anyway, the point is that I'm using imaginary situations like that to fuel my desire to return to wrestling, but I don't know how I'd react in real life. The fact is I might flip out on the person and get myself disqualified... Due to my style of wrestling, I'm capable of seriously injuring someone if I want to. I've accidentally hurt teammates kind of seriously in the past and have dislocated a few opponents' joints, just do to the nature of my style, and that's trying not to hurt my opponent. Then again, there is the fact that I'm very good at staying on top of an opponent, so if he pisses me off enough and I lose my cool, I might just start pummeling the back of his skull in an attempt to hurt him.

Look, I'm not an overtly angry person, but when I do flip out, its bad. If the guy only says something once and/or the ref hears it and it costs him a point, fine. That will likely motivate me. But if the comments are repeated, not heard by the ref, ignored by the ref, excessively hateful or whatnot, I might cross the line and get myself in some serious trouble. If the fans are constantly saying shit, I'm not allowed to leave the area where the mat is set up, and the ref does nothing about it, well I might start taunting the fans, or even jump into the stands and start cracking heads open(Worst. Case. Scenario. I can't picture myself doing this but it could happen).

These are the worst things I could do in one of those situations, and are not very likely, but the fact is that they could happen. If they do happen, I get in serious trouble with my coach, my school, the NCAA, and possibly even the law. Even though chances are that I will speak to the ref about it which will resolve any issue, there is always a chance of me acting in an irrational manner.

Ok... sorry about all the talk about violence, but I usually am good at peacefully mediating situations with words, and have been itching to get into a fight ever since the beginning of high school, lol. The only fights I've been in have been in the wrestling room or an MMA gym, so I've never fulfilled that urge to beat the crap out of someone who has in some way wronged me, heh heh. So I guess when I think of these situations, I just immediately dream of being able to take out my frustrations on someone without regard for the consequences.

Ok, I can keep going in circles with this stuff, so I'll just shut up and sum up why at the moment, I aint gonna come out, with regard to fans and heckling and other players saying shit:

I might flip the hell out on an opponent or fans and get in all sorts of trouble. I am itching to get in a fight if given the opportunity. Though not likely, as I am usually good at resolving things with words, it is possible, and scares me. If I don't come out publicly, this will not happen.

Aight, y'all will probably think I'm a violent psychopath after reading this, but I'm just giving you a little more insight into the decision that I'm making. Like I said though, I've never been in a street fight because I'm good at controlling any anger that I feel. It's just fun sometimes to imagine beating the shit out of someone who angrily and/or violently states his opinion that homosexuals, and more specifically, me, are in some way wrong because they were born attracted to men, or choose to have sex with men.

-Matt

Wow well i am glad i do Greco most of the time and when i coach my college guys i have a fast stand up ( never was much of a mat wrestler). i think your going to be fine hell that coahc that said something to me i ended up writing him a letter saying i was sorry for flipping him the bird! I have been in fights over the word "Fag" and i have won, but with lasting stigma about what kind of "Fag" i am. you dont need that you just be yourself and start making your way in the world. i wish i could share all the things i had to put up with for you but like my friends mom once told me " you can be a smart man and just learn by me telling you or you can be a wiseman and learn from doing? the choice is yours!"

Yeah disc golf rocks! I'm also a college athlete, and I started the coming out process back in February. I told three guys on my volleyball team about three weeks ago and they were totally fine with it. I set up a meeting with them and my coach (he already knew) and when I told them I was gay they were like "Oh god, I thought you were going to tell us you were quitting." I contemplated telling my teammate for several months and it was torture having to lie to them about my sexuality. I don't really know how many of the guys on the team know now, but I've made a commitment just to be totally open about it. I've found that once you have a good base of support (which it sounds like you're building) there comes a point when you just have to go for it and take a risk. Even though I'm open about my sexuality now, it's still hard (for me at least) to make that transition from that pseudo-heterosexual mindset to being honest with everyone.

Thats very true, I'll do my best to write a coherent bit about what I mean, but I'm hungover right now and can't fall back asleep because of the pounding in my head, even though my eyes are half shut, so I don't know how good my writing will be.

Back in high school, I never was forced to rely on myself at all. My parents drove me across the state to wrestling tournaments, they did my laundry, cooked my food, reminded me of homework, and basically did everything for me. While I knew how to do laundry, cook, write down what I needed to do in a planner, and almost everything else, I didn't do it. Being in college now, I've learned to do those things and found that my preconceived notions of these things, based on observation and things that I heard, were far off. For instance, I always saw my grandmother in the washing room of my house, 24/7. I thought laundry took forever to do, even after being told all the steps to it. Well, it takes only a little bit of time to do laundry for 1 person, but when doing laundry for 5 people, like my grandmother did, it takes forever. I know thats kind of a stupid example, but it illustrates the fact that learning something by watching and listening to others doing it is not the same as having the actual experience.

This especially applies to my coming out process. I got a general idea of what I should do by reading stories and information online, and they were helpful in preparing me to tell someone. Of course when I did finally tell someone, I didn't heed the advice I read online, instead I drank a lot of liquor to loosen up my tongue, since I tried doing it sober and was unable to say what I wanted to.

Now that I am reaching the point where discrimination might become a problem, the same thing applies, I can read things to prepare myself, I can imagine all the scenarios that I can think possible and the best response to each, I can do a lot of things. Despite these things, before I can understand discrimination and learn to respond in a way that I know is right, I must experience it. Since I don't want to experience it, I am not going to publicly come out until I am done wrestling, as facing discrimination on the mat might affect my athletic performance for the worse. I've reached a point however where I don't feel the need to come out publicly, since I am comfortable enough with myself to go to a gay bar, be with a guy, and respect myself for who I am rather than basing my entire life around getting high on some substance, alcohol included, to drown out the thoughts that I didn't want to face. Due to this and all of the progress I've made recently, I am going to take a break in the moving forward process and focus on enjoying my life at the moment. While being completely out would take a load off my mind, it would also bring the problem of discrimination with it. I'm going to read stories, such as the ones you mentioned, to prepare myself for what people may do to me. But at the moment, that is all I will do, I'll figure out how to deal with ass****s on my own in due time, when it becomes an issue.

On a related side note, I'm able to deal with very religious people who are willing to listen. One of the teammates who I told is very religious, and while he was completely cool with me, he asked me if I was religious at all and if so, how did I meld the two. While not religious, I am spiritual and know a great deal about Christianity, likely more than many devout Christians themselves (I mean the history, actual meaning of certain texts, and random bits of information. I don't mean psalms and biblical passages that people recite from memory and yet never think about what the words they say mean. Take the "Our Father" prayer, I learned it, but was never made to think about the words. People will recite the line "As we forgive those who trespass against us" then go home from church and fight, forgetting the words they recently spoke to God himself. In CCD class (Sunday school for Catholics) we were made to memorize things without worrying about the meaning as well. Anyway, I'm just getting at the fact that I have a decent bit of theological knowledge.). Ok, back to the story. I told the kid that the only Biblical passage that specifically condemns sex between two men or two women is in Leviticus. Leviticus tells us not to eat pork, so if gay sex is wrong, so is eating bacon. Of course then he brought up the story of Sodom and Gomorrah, and I just told him that that story condemns homosexual rape, not sex between two consenting men (This is based on my interpretation as well as numerous others I have read. If you have a different interpretation, or believe there to be another passage specifically condemning homosexuality, please feel free to respond). He agreed that I might be right, depending on how literal the Bible is meant to be. Of course if this was a fire and brimstone refuses to listen to another person's opinion kind of person, there would have been nothing I could have done. This wasn't really hostility either, just curiosity, but I thought I'd share the way I intend to handle any hostility I face from religious people.

Ok, this was rambling as hell, but I'm hungover, so I can't do no better. I'm finally feeling sleepy again though, so I'll catch you guys later.

-Matt

Hey man, nice to meet another fellow athlete. In my opinion it takes some balls to set up a meeting like that. I think I'm gonna ask my coach if I can stop by his house to tell him, cuz I sure as hell am not talking about it to anyone in the athletic building where the coaches' offices are.

Shit, I had a bunch written and knocked the power cord out of my laptop, so my comp just turned off. I'm too hungover to remember what I wrote, beyond the above. It was something funny too, if a bit convoluted, so this pisses me off.

-Matt

Its awsome that your thinking about things but one thing you will learn your never going to be able to take time off from being gay. its part of who you are adn all everyday you will learn something new justlike you do in school and in life. some people do self talk and are convinced that they can not be gay and just have man to man sex. those people are the ones who are out and back in sometimes. Just cause you dont wear a sign on your chest that says hey i am gay dosent mean your not out.
Religion on the other hand is funny! i was leaving the bar last night and 3 guys who i must say are political gay hippies started downing mormans. my best friend is morman he is a wrestler and he has always respected me for who i was even though his faith says i am going to hell he thinks he will be driving the bus because we are friends. I talked to the hippies about the morman faith and told them they are just as wrong for preaching hate as anyone who talks down about gays. Religion and sexuality share no place with one another. the bibble tells use to kill a cow when we sin to but i dont see a who lot of people doing that kind of stuff these days. its all a matter of what you think is right and wrong.
To my Volleyball player that takes some big balls what you did having your teammates and your coach all in the room. My coach found out cause i told him at the bar over a drink, my roommates found out cause they saw this kid leave my room plus i hit on some str8 guys while i was drunk they put 2 and 2 together. but having a meeting about your sexuality is very strong i can only ask did they let people not on the team know. i found that alot of peopel who had nothing to do with football found out and then thats when the BS started!

I know that I can't take time off from being gay, its who I am like you said. However, I do like women. I know what you mean about people being in the closet, then out, then back in, etc. but I won't be one of them. Once I'm out, I'll be out permanently. Even if I meet a girl who I really like, she's gonna know that I like men and so will everyone else. If people say that that means I'm not gay, my definition of myself is that I'm gay in the sense that I like men, but not in the sense that I don't like women. So even if I meet a girl, I'm still gay, and if I'm out when I meet her, everyone will know that I'm still gay.

I'm only taking time off from the coming out process, not ending it completely. Since telling someone stresses me out so bad the day before I do it, to the point that I have difficulty doing anything but thinking about how the conversation is going to go, I need to take that break. This stress affects my schoolwork, which I need to catch up on and do better at. Also, like I said, I'm enjoying my life so much right now that I don't want to do anything that may/will cause me some problems personally or in wrestling.

I do need to say though that I talked to the guys on the team that know I'm gay today. They told me they have no problem with talking to my coach, telling him that I'd like to discuss something that's very important with him, doing their best to emphasize the importance of what I have to say, and being there when I tell him for moral support (I figure if people who support me are there, his reaction will likely be more positive). Oh, and thanks for the idea of a meeting volleyball dude! Thats what gave me the idea to ask those guys to meet with my coach when I tell him. This should happen within the week, and if not, definitely within 2 weeks. After that though, I am taking a long break from telling people and focusing on my schoolwork and personal life. I'll worry about the rest of my teammates when the time comes.

Well, I'm no longer hungover, and theres a party going on right now, so I'm gonna end this post and have a few beers (Only a few... right now even looking at the liquor bottles in my room is making me a bit queasy... I haven't had a hangover as bad as the one I had today in a looooooong time).

Peace

-Matt

Ok, if anyone read this post before, I've completely edited it. I've sobered up now, but I can't sleep, so I guess I'll write a coherent post that is logical rather than emotional, because after re-reading what I wrote before, it seemed like I was in a very bad place, and I'd just rather not have a post like that on here cause every time I stop by the site, I'd see the post and get pissed off.

Ok, so here goes...

I went to a party last night and started drinking. Over the course of about 30-45 minutes I downed 6 beers, so I got a good buzz going quickly. Last year I knew a lot of guys at the frat the party was being thrown at, and the few guys I still know and talk to told me to stop by. Well, turns out there was only 1 guy there who I would consider a friend, rather than an acquaintance, and we talked for about 5-10 minutes. After that, there were a few guys I talked to for a minute or so. Due to this, I was just standing around at the bar or outside the frat, drinking my beer, listening to music and looking around. What do I see when I'm looking around? Two guys acting very friendly. To be honest, I just thought they were good friends at first, maybe foreign, and possibly gay, but I didn't think so. They intrigued me because of A. The way they were acting was cute and B. They themselves were cute. I kept watching them as I drank my beer (Yes... yes... call me a perv all you want =P) and what do I see now? Them kissing.

They were acting so sweet towards each other, like they just belonged together. Anyway, drunken me goes off on a tangent in my mind. Due to me hiding my sexuality over the past few years, I've become an emotional cripple of sorts. I can't express my emotions too well and in all honesty, I can't trust anyone. Actually, consciously I'm capable of placing all my trust in someone, like the guys on the team I've told that I'm gay, but subconsciously, I always feel, just a very little bit, like people are keeping something from me, purposely wronging me, essentially all the paranoid bullshit you can come up with. Anyway, I came to the conclusion that even if I was alone with someone, someone that I truly cared about even, I could never act the way they were. I would love to be able to focus all of my attention on someone, flirt with them in public, kiss them in public, hug them in public, and just generally show them the way I feel, but I'm just not able to, even in private. I'm referring to these actions as if I was completely out by the way.

I just get nervous and subconsciously feel that I'm doing something wrong by showing affection for someone. Even when I'm alone with them. Granted, I've met someone, and slowly I am getting better at this, but I've become incapable of acting the way I truly feel or even showing or telling someone the way I truly feel. It just feels like I'm doing something wrong when I do try to show affection, either being inept at the actions of something or doing something at the wrong time (Take kissing, I've been told at the worst I'm an OK kisser, at the best that I'm a good one, but never that I'm a bad one, and I've hooked up with some pretty blunt girls who would tell me (Funny Anecdote: One of these blunt girls told me that I was an OK kisser, but that I sure knew how to use my tongue where it counted =P). Despite this, I always feel that I'm horrible at it, either the action itself or I feel I went in for a kiss at the wrong moment.).

Anyway, these thoughts just started racing through my head, which was getting buzzed rather quickly, and I came to the drunken conclusion that I'll never be able to show my emotions, making me a piece of damaged goods nobody would want. I left the party immediately once I started thinking like this, got back and wrote the first copy of this post. Of course an hour later I was able to think rationally again, but this prevented me from falling asleep, because I started thinking of reasons why I'm bad at showing emotion or affection, how to fix it, how it affects me, etc. Right now I'm just thinking, "They were so cute together, I wish I could act like that... but oh well." I aint depressed over it anymore, but damn, I haven't been able to act that way towards someone since high school. Whatever, thats stuff for my psychiatrist to sort out with me, but this is the gist of what I wrote before, minus the self-loathing and incoherent writing.

-Matt

I know what you mean, but trust me the world isnt like that and you dont always have to fear. One of the things that made me come out to my family was that when went to europe and was walking around i saw people holding hads and kissing everywhere. it made me think, you know what i dont have to be scared of whats going on or who i am! you take it slow those feelings that your having are part of the process. You are going to feel like that because you dont know how it is to have feelings for someone yet nor do you want to be hurt by those around you or the person you might end up with. its the mixture of the 2.

As you grow as a person you will start to understand what you want out of life and what you want over all. I was known for crying in gay bars when i got drunk only because i have the huge fear of gay men in large groups. i know its funny, but i was scared and still am becasuse i have yet to meet and talk to folks like me in real life. PDA (public display of affection) is something that isnt something you caan control in the area you are in. Go to london or any western european country you will see how they have changed. Just take a few minutes and realize its not you its the world you live in and with peoeple who are willing to help change the world and the more people will be able to be them self.
So guess what dont feel bad everyone who is an athlete has gone through with it, although you know what i say you can be a smartman or a wise man the choice is yours!

Stop beating yourself up -- you have just begun your journey and it is so impressive you are sharing it here. Coming out is a process and goes at its own pace. Just take a deep breath, realize how far you've come in a short time and relax! You will be fine.

Don't worry, I'm fine now, its just that when I went out, the stress from getting ready to tell my coach, the fact that my team has started getting ready to wrestle at tournaments, my lack of sleep the night before, and the quick rush of alcohol into my body just set me off.

I mean, generally, I'm the happiest I've been in a long while, and one thing like that aint gonna bring me down. Also, Thanksgiving and Christmas breaks are coming up soon and I'm looking forward to them. Plus I've met a great guy who I like a lot. Things are great, minus that little slip up. Hell, I've even started running again, cutting back on drinking and tobacco, etc.

Ok, and now something funny before I go. My friend went to 3 Halloween parties and posted his pics online. I think I may have told y'all that he posted pics from one or two of em before, but now that all of them are up, he told me to take a look at em all again, since there might be some eye candy for me to look at. All of the costumes he and his friends wore were shirtless, and let me tell you, there were some hotties. Its great to have a friend who isn't skeeved out by the thought of a gay friend looking at pictures of him wearing a Chippendales outfit. Of course, one of his friends looked like Chris Farley from that SNL skit, but the hotties made me immediately forget about that.

Ok, gotta go,
-Matt

I've been thinking that a lot of the shit I say about my friends is similar to crap I've said in previous posts, but every time they act so accepting it truly surprises me. Honestly, thinking about all the support I've received from people, its crazy how good the situation that I'm in is. Friends, family, teammates, the administration and faculty at my school... I haven't had a single person treat me in a negative way because of my sexuality. I'm really becoming grateful for it all, hell, just before I started writing this, I did something I haven't done in years. I prayed to god. The only prayers I know are the ones I learned growing up as a Catholic, and I definitely am no Catholic. Anyway, whatever higher being exists would have heard what I had to say, even if it was the words of a religion I find fault with.

While not a religious person, I have always been spiritual, believed in some sort of higher being, and been interested in theology. For the past year though, my faith has been somewhat shaken, due to how negative my life became. About an hour ago though, I thought about it, and I have so much in my life to work towards, and so much I want to accomplish. I haven't thought like that in a while, I've been drifting through life this year and haven't really done much beyond what was necessary, that being schoolwork and coming out to people. Damn though, I want to make some sort of difference in this world, I want to be rich so I can donate a lot of money to charity. Granted, that is for a bit of a selfish reason, since I want to leave this world and be remembered as a good person, but I have strong moral opinions of what is right and wrong, and also really want to be a good person. Hopefully this mindset keeps up, cause I've been motivated as f**k today, which allowed me to get a lot of schoolwork done, and now I feel motivated to accomplish stuff in my life not related to wrestling.

God, even when I take my meds, my moods are ever changing like the seasons. Chances are I'm gonna post something with a completely different tone within the next few days, but I sure as hell hope not, cause I feel amazing right now, and I haven't drank anything, smoked anything, snorted anything, popped any pills besides my meds this morning, or taken any substances into my body that would cause this. Maybe I should get really high on acid though so I can speak with God rather than just pray to him... just kidding!

There are ways you can make a difference in a small way without money. Keep that in mind.

Yup, like becoming a volunteer w/ an organization that you have passionate feelings about, i.e. runaway gay youth, homelessness, children w/ HIV/AIDS, etc...

Matt,

You may also want to try BKE their jeans tend to have a better cut than most. I find that they fit a slimmer waist and a bigger ass. Unfortunately, they also tend to be a little pricier than some especially for us college students.

I'm calling my coach in 30 minutes. If he diesn't pick up, I'm stopping by his office. If he's not there, I'm gonna keep calling him every hour til he picks up. The point is that I pussied out last time I was going to tell him, and by the end of tonight he's gonna know. If I can't reach him by the end of the night, I'm just gonna leave a voicemail and meet him tomorrow.

I also figured out how I'm going to say it to him:

"Coach, there is something I have to tell you. I was going to do it yesterday, but I ended up going over my boyfriend's house. I'm gay. Last year, someone on the team sent out an email that said gay wrestlers don't even deserve to live. He's graduated though. Combined with getting injured, being bi-polar, and the fear generated by getting hit on by a gay guy while some teammates were around, this is the reason that I've been so screwed up over the past two years. All that happening in a short period of time, it was just too much to handle. Now that I've started telling people, 3 guys on the team know, I've started sleeping again and no longer am afraid to be around my teammates for fear of them finding out. I've made an effort to resolve this situation and I hope that this makes you believe that I will be ready to wrestle and be an asset for the team next semester."

I think that covers the basis of what I'm going to say, though it will probably come out less eloquently. Granted, the guy I've been seeing aint a boyfriend yet, per se, but I talked to him, told him I liked him a lot and would at least like to be sexually monogamous, and he agreed. Anyway, wish me luck.

-Matt

1st call unsuccessful. Calling again in half an hour, coulda been a long practice.

I sent a text message, he answered, we're meeting tomorrow. f**k. Another day to stress out... and I have a big paper due. Looks like I aint sleeping again tonight. He at least responded though. Thats a positive, as is the fact that I got the balls up to contact him before meeting him so he can be ready for it. I sincerely hope this goes well... my one big fear is that he may tell me to take this year off and come back next year, but if that happens, i do have a year of eligibility in grad school. f**k!!!!! I CANT STAND THE WAITING!!!! I wish it was finals week so I could just f**king scream out loud whenever I wanted and people would just think that I was going crazy due to finals, rather than think I'm just going plain crazy. I swear, I've muttered "f**k, f**k, f**k, f**k................ f**k...." At least 100 times since he asked to meet tomorrow. This sucks so much, because I'm alert and attentive, yet the thoughts racing through my mind are preventing me from doing the work that those two qualities would normally let me do. God, I may really be going crazy, heh heh. At least I'm not being negative though, just stressed.

-Matt

All the stressing and freaking out in the world won't make tomorrow come any faster. Take a deep breath and, if you really can't work on your paper, then do something fun and mindless.