I know that men in general let alone gay men often times have father issues so I thought I'd post this personal account:

My Dad tried to watch the film "Capote" with me today. It may not seem like a big deal but when I came out ten years ago he said that any boyfriend that he ever met he would murder, and he was serious. But today he made a point of wanting to see the film because it had a gay lead character and then sitting through 30 minutes of the film before saying that Phillip Seymour Hoffman's voice was driving him crazy and changing the channel. I had seen the film before and actually agreed on the assessment. The irony was that Dad turned on his favorite program, "Antiques Roadshow" which has approximately five guys on it who talk like Truman Capote.


It'd be cool to hear other peoples' stories if you want to share them.

Nice to know there are still some places where we are acceptable, even to folks who would otherwise murder us.

My father and I just don't talk about it. I mention my partner and he just listens. He does get competitive though when I talk about my partner's gardening exploits. Even though he would rather call it farming.

Guess it's just a matter of context and approach.

O yeah, and my partner mentioned to me that my father was the only person who actually talked to him at one of our family reunions he attended. BREAKTHROUGH!!

To those of you who have great parents,cherish every moment!!

Great story.
This is a good thread...thnx for starting it...

My father hardly spoke to me for 13 years after I came out, before waking up one morning and telling my mother that my partner of 13 years was invited to their 50th Anniversary party a couple of years back.
Now he comes to visit twice a year, tells me how much he loves Rodney and how lucky we both are to have each other...
He has even come so far that when one of our particularly pretty lesbian friends comes by, he says to me:

"Tell Michelle I'm a lesbian."

I reply, "I don't think that'll work Dad."

His answer? "I don't care...tell her anyway..."

My Dad is 76 years old....
Funny as shit...

If he can change, then there is hope for everyone out there who is struggling with this...

"Nice to know there are still some places where we are acceptable, even to folks who would otherwise murder us."

Sporty Life take heart, my Dad was a military guy with a temper who grew up Black in the south so it wasn't just a possible gay boyfriend he threatened to kill over the years, it was just that this time it was directed at me in a new way. He...had...anger... I guess it explains my appreciation for bad boys.

Good to hear you guys talking about your Dads, it's keeping my good gay week going into its 8th day!

I only came out to my dad 9 months ago, and at the time he took it very well considering my family's staunch small town conservative values. He thought it was a phase for a few months (at least), but I think he's coming to accept it. Mom was much quicker to the punch and was nice enough to invite my partner to Christmas this year. He and my dad actually had a few conversations and even hugged my partner good-bye when he left. I was pretty blown away.

I like my dad. It took me a long time to realize that. Now, both he and my mom are two of my best friends. I thought he'd hate me forever once I came out...that was about 20 years ago and has yet to happen. He wasn't thrilled, but he never hated. They both still pine for grandchildren, but I think that is because I've dated women in the past. I had to do the first reading at chruch today...Old Testement, Sirach...something to the effect of making your father happy will make your mom happy. I really felt God speaking through me when I was reading. It doesn't happen that often, and the reading was incredibly timely. So much so, I almost choked up at the end. The ironic thing is that I wasn't even scheduled to read, it was all last-minute. Almost as ironic as seeing this thread up on this board tonight.

My dad is a fundamentalist christian hillbilly from Kentucky. I didn't think he'd ever accept news that his elder son was a homo. When I came out in my late 30s, however, my father was my rock. He never wavered in his support and continues to encourage me to live my own life. He tells me he loves me at the end of every phone call, and he honors me by welcoming my partner into the family.

And we laugh constantly when we are together ==> when mom drags us to the mall, dad will nudge me to check out a "hot chick." I'll comment back to him about the "hot guy" she's with...he just rolls.

Does anyone here not have fundamentalist parents? Mine were 100% OK after I came out.

Mine were cool from day one. I thought they would be but worried about it any way. They have always made it clear to me that its my life to live and that they love me always. They always understood homosexuality to be a condition of nature so God never came into the discussion as from their point of view God never makes mistakes so I am what I am supposed to be. Once when a cousin was visiting (read looking to mooch some more $$ from dad) after I came out he suggested Dad cut me out of the will and put him in my place. Dad suggested he leave the house immediately and not return. Both Mom and Dad think my partner is a great guy and have always treated him as a member of the family. They were thrilled this Xmas when we announced we were engaged and planning a wedding for 2008. No question about it, I am blessed to have the parents I have.

Methodist dad, Jewish mother, and, no, I'm not out to them.

Nothing I can add since this is a thread about "Cool Dads" but I have to say this is bitchin'!

It's good to read about everyone that has great Dads. I would love to be able to add something to that,
but sadly, when it came to being gay, my father was in the stone age until the day he died. But he was of a different generation. If he was alive today, he would be over 90.

But reading about all your dads makes me realize that we ARE making progress. And that is something to cherish and celebrate.

And Eric: Some of the sexiest men I have ever met, (and yes, that includes size and staying power) were hillbillies from Kentucky. :-)

When I came out in 1996, my dad had a very big problem with it. No religious issues, just a very conservative man's-man kind of guy. I came out to them when I did because my dad told me an off-color gay joke one day on the phone. But that changed.

About three years later, he was an elected official in my hometown on Cape Cod. A police officer (who's long been rumored to be gay) in the town was caught making out with his boyfriend in the parking lot of the police station. In my small New England town, it was quite the scandal. Several people in town approached the Board of Selectmen (of which my father was the chairman at the time) and asked how they were going to handle it. My father apparently got very angry and said adamantly, "we're not going to do a God damned thing," and that was the last he or the Board of Selectmen heard about the issue. A couple years after that, he hosted, with PFLAG, a well-attended event in town that brought several gay people (including me) to talk at the community center.

A couple years after that, I started dating my partner Dan. We were at my parents' house and were cozy on the couch (not cuddling, not spooning, just kind of sitting there watching TV, maybe arm in arm or something). My dad came in and was quite uncomfortable. He was fine with me being gay, but it was the first time he really SAW it. A couple months after that we were all at their cabin in Maine, and my dad and Dan somehow got left alone outside watching the campfire late at night. They were out there yapping for an hour. When I asked Dan about it, he said my father lit up when he found out Dan was a bit of a handyman (my dad is a plumber); they talked about plumbing, carpentry and the like. Ever since, my Dad asks me how Dan's doing all the time and personally picks out a Christmas gift for him every year (this year it was a very cool laser device used for leveling).

Dan's father, on the other hand, will not meet me.

I'm damn lucky, but I do think part of that luck has to do with how I've handled the issue with him. Very early on, my parents told me I couldn't sleep in the same bed with any boyfriend I had if I came to visit them with him. My response: Then I'm not coming home until you change the rule. They literally changed it that afternoon. I've always pushed the issue with them, talked to them about it, held nothing back. I think most parents adapt when they realize not only is the issue not going away, it's going to be front-and-center if they want a relationship with you.

I didn't come out to my Dad until I was 33, and it wasn't really a shock to him (to quote "Your mother and I knew when you were 5."), but he was also not happy about it; he simply accepted it as a fact of life. His uncle was gay and had a long-time partner (although no one in the family actually said they were gay) so that probably helped.

I grew up in Massachusetts and was there at Thanksgiving in 2003, right after the marriage decision had been announced, but delayed for 6 months. While Dad and I were watching TV that weekend, there was a news story on the 4 bishops of Massachusetts releasing a pastoral letter to all the churches denouncing the decision and declaring that all good Catholics must rally against gay marriage. I did not even realize Dad was paying attention (he was reading the paper) until he said "Those G-ddamn homophobic, pedophile, sons-of-b*tches." I turned to him and said "so, you're not going to Mass this weekend?" and he said "I'm never going to Mass again," and hasn't, except for weddings and first Communions. It was his best moment, IMHO.

Nice post, Cyd.

My Dad is a jerk, and not just because I am Gay. At nearing the age of 80, he still fights with my siblings over various idiotic things, like who is hosting Thanksgiving and Christmas. This year, my sibs avoided this annual mess by claiming they all had their in-laws to visit, when in reality, they all clamored together for Church, then drinks and then dinner with my nieces and nephews at a swank club. It was as if my father were dead, although none of us wish that.

I remained away. My father's 'stress out' on me has taken a life toll.


TRL

Very sorry to hear that....still try to keep the lines of communication open with your siblings at least....they can be a great support system for you. Most of mine were while my father was not talking to me...
Good luck.

deleted

My parents were immigrants. I came out when I was 31 so Dad had been in the US for 34 years. After I came out, we never talked about it. Not once. But then again, we didn’t talk about a lot of things. Don’t get me wrong, we talked often—but never about social issues, religion, politics, philosophy, you know—personal stuff.

We talked all the time though--about Mom, boats, the cottage, his work, my work, his golf game, the house in Florida, his truck, my car, what he was gonna do about the water in the basement and the relative value of various de-humidifiers, how crazy my sister is, etc. You know—normal stuff.

I don’t think he was happy I am gay. Not because of any moral reasons, but because he remembered what it felt like to be outside the mainstream. I think he just wanted things to be easier for me.

Honestly, I think he put my coming out in the same category as the countless other things he faced in a new world that he resigned himself to accepting as new and different without bothering to contemplate. I’m pretty sure he knew gay people in the “Old Country”, possibly family or friends, but saying so out loud I’m sure he saw as yet another oddity of America, a country he loved with all his heart for giving him a life and livelihood, but never did completely understand.

When I came out, I asked my parents to focus on my behavior, not my sexual preference. Dad lived up to that advice as well. Never, ever once in the years between my coming out and his death did he ever lead me to believe that he didn’t love me and respect me, as his son and as a man. And in his paradigm, where men didn’t talk about personal things, not talking about that stuff was his way of treating me as a man.

One of my favorite moments with him was when he was sick. He didn’t have much time left and characteristically Dad didn’t talk about it. Mom, however, was just over-the-top being Mom. Through my entire life the one thing Dad would never tolerate was disrespect to my Mom. To even come close brought retribution. Well, one summer day my brother and I were out on the deck with him at the lake and Mom was going on a rant about him missing some med (and substituting it with a Manhattan!) She was on full throttle from inside the house. My brother and looked at him thinking (but not saying a word) “How are we going to deal with her?”. He just said “You’ll see”. It was Dad passing the torch to us to take care of Mom. He knew we would never understand her, but he expected the same loyalty, love and respect he had shown her. It was a pure moment between men who understood each other.

Dad’s been gone for seven years. I love him and miss him. And I would give anything for another chance to not talk about my being gay.

Mom continues on as only my Mom can. And I’m sure Dad loves watching the show. Hope he doesn’t see me crying now though.

I think of my parents often, particularly around the holidays since they both died around this time of year, 17 yrs ago for my mom and 4 yrs ago for my dad.I never came out to either of them and really don't knowhow they would have taken it had I told them face to face.Toward the end of my mom's life, I came close to telling her but ultimately decided that it would do her no good at this point in her life to hear it from me, as she would be worrying about me,while she had her own health issues to deal with. I didn't have a partner so have no idea how she would have dealt with it face to face. She died in early '91, and was avidly attuned to the issues of the day and was quite knowledgeable about AIDS and other health issues. I found out much later from my sisters that my mom knew about me, tho I didn't know she knew. It shouldn't have surprised me tho, since she was very intuitive, a trait I seem to have inherited from her.

In retrospect, I think even my dad knew on some level, tho he, like some of the others on here,was not one to talk much about 'personal' stuff. Our conversations were usually about 'stuff' - his family, WW2 stories, things around the house, his work, etc, but not much about feelings,which was common for his generation. We didn't talk about a lot of personal things ever, but his quiet support and encouragement for me(as well as my siblings), always indicated his love. I was never strongly inclined to tell him that I was gay, but the decision became a moot point after a stroke affected his speech and comprehension. it was difficult to make sense most of the time of what he said, but he was always gracious to those that came to visit, including my partner (whom I'd met shortly before the stroke). My brother and sisters commented that dad seemed to respond best to me in the years after his stroke, not in jealousy but in admiration. We communicated non-verbally on some level. I'm thankful that I had the opportunity to help take care of him in his time of need, like he and mom took care of me when I was a child.

I'd also give just about anything to now sit down and just have a conversation adult-adult, friend-friend with each of them and ask all the questions I never thought of until after they were gone.

My dad, who died in 2004, was totally cool when I came out to him in 1985. He 100% accepted my first boyfriend and always considered him part of the family until the day he died (said ex-boyfriend flew East with me for the funeral). He never really asked questions about being gay but my brothers said he never asked them personal questions about their girlfriends -- he simply accepted them, no questions asked. I felt fortunate.

Jim, you ARE fortunate...in many ways!

I remember when Dan was just Cyd's boyfriend...I'm tearing up....you kids just grew up so fast...

J1780, great story; you're fortunate too.

I have no cool father stories to tell. Oh well.

My dad and I have been to every American League baseball stadium to see the Minnesota Twins play. Just he and I go - no mom, and no boyfriend/partner - just us. We've been to some of the NL stadiums to see the Twins play as well. We haven't traveled the past few years because he is 85 and the traveling takes a toll. I came out to my parents while in college (I'm 47) - and my dad was ok with it. My mom wasn't sure about the whole thing; I don't think they were happy about it, but I think they knew they had to accept me for who I was. I've been with my partner 15 years and they treat him as one of the family. In any event - the Twins trips and all the sporting events just my dad and I went to (the countless gophers, South Dakota State Jackrabbits, Vikings, etc games) - I'll never forget. It was he who drove me to excel in sports and have the interest in sports I have today.

My father is a good man and I have the utmost respect for him. He is the type of person that is always there when he is really needed and I am absolutely sure that he would do anything for his family. I have no doubt that when I come out to him he will be accept it.

If actions speak louder than words, he has more than made up for in action for the words which are often missing. He never missed a parent-teacher interview or a sports event while I was a kid, and any time that I had a problem at school with teachers or coaches, he would support me if I was in the right. On the other hand, if I was in the wrong he would be the first to let me know.

The problem is that, for whatever reason, my family doesn't talk about personal things. Non-demonstrative would be a good word to describe it. As a child, I was always allowed to have whatever friends I wanted and the subject of who I was seeing or where I went was never broached so long as I was able to abide by the rules set out by my parents. Put simply so long as I was able to make curfew and keep up my grades, I was given all the space I could possibly want. The flip side, however, is that after about age 12 I never really felt comfortable talking with him about any sort of personal problems or displaying any sort affection. I haven't offered the information or initiated a hug or anything and he hasn't asked or done either. I think that after starting to understand the time and commitment he was making for me and the family, I just didn't feel justified in taking his time or having him worry about the problems I had which he couldn't really solve. Things like lost friends, break-ups, family deaths, basically all the hardest things I have had to face, I chose to face alone because I didn't want to burden him. The result is a situation where I am actually much more fearful of the awkwardness of the conversation than I am of having him know that I am gay.

My mother is another story. She is Catholic, disagrees in principle with homosexuality and gay marriage (whereas I don't think my dad could care less) and has never been someone I have felt that close to. Anyway, I won't put my father in the awkward situation of keeping a secret from my mom, though, so until I am comfortable coming out to both I won't be telling either.