My incomplete from last semester will be completed by at the latest tomorrow. I finished one of the papers that needs to be completed and the other just needs its bibliography to be finished and a few more cites to be added to ensure I didn't plagiarize. That means I'll be allowed back on the team once my teacher accepts the work and grades it. So within a week, I should be back on the mat! Woo-hoo! I've been going to class and haven't been acting like a f**k up this semester (so far...). So far I feel good and am excited to rejoin the team, and judging by the responses of guys I've talked to, they're exited for me to be back as well. I aint gonna say anything else till the incomplete is fixed, but there will be some interesting shit popping up in the next few days, especially if I decide to let the whole team know my little secret.

-Matt

Good Luck Matt!! I am glad to see that you are being more committed to your studies. Good luck on the mats too!!

Congrats and good luck.

I have started training with the crew again and it has quite literally been hell for the last two weeks. As much as I told myself that I was xtraining and keeping in shape, it has become quite apparent to me that I am woefully unfit. Apparently dieting so I could still see muscle tone is not the same thing as properly maintaining it.

Let me know how transitioning back into the full training schedule works for you.

-dan

Ok, the work is turned in, just gotta wait for the teacher to grade it and wipe the incomplete away. Hopefully that happens quickly so my completely out of shape ass can get back on the mats by tomorrow and I can die of an asthma attack or pass out from sheer exhaustion. It is gonna be hell for sure, and Dan, I've made no effort to train in any way except by smoking a few packs of cigarettes since I quit. You were a good boy, I was a lazy sack of shit. Hell, I don't even see my abs anymore and I guarantee my bench, clean and all those other exercises have dropped by at least 50 pounds. Oh well though, if it comes to it, I can wrestle heavyweight cause I'm pretty sure I can beat ours, and that means I HAVE to eat as much as possible and be a fat lazy sack of shit in my off-time. That would be nice. Anyway, thanks for the encouragement, I'll need it.

-Matt

Nice having you back Matt!

Thanks, it'll be a few days before I'm truly back because of the administrative bullshit that has to go on to remove the incomplete, but then you can expect some interesting shit because I'm thinking I'm gonna tell the team after maybe 2 weeks or a month after being back. This might change by tomorrow, but at the moment I'm feeling comfortable enough in my indispensability to the team and the general attitude of my teammates, so telling them doesn't feel like a problem at the moment (Maybe this has to do with the tequila I've been sipping on while doing my readings for the day... Its good shit though! A $40 bottle was marked down to $33 so I had to buy it, and I've realized that a small drink, maybe 2 shots worth while I study or read makes me despise doing the work less so I get more from it, I aint being an alky anymore! Woo-hoo!). Like always though, my mind changes on things like this all the time, so I may not say anything, but if I do, y'all will be the second to know about it, right after my dad.

-Matt

MmmMMmmMMMMmmmmmm... thats some good tequila, best I ever had. Its called "Leyenda del Milagro" and for a poor college student, nobody can say otherwise about its pure deliciousness. I'm keeping it to 2 shots though, which is hard, cuz I could down the whole bottle tonight, but I must keep on being a good boy.

Just told a former teammate about my sexuality. This one was pretty funny actually, cause the dude speaks in an low, effeminate sounding voice (Weird, I know, but he lisps a little and accents words in an effeminate way while at the same time speaking real low like he just smoked a joint) and was like, "Awwww, Matt, *pause* really? *pause* Thats cool." Almost like it was cute or something. Eh, then we talked about religion for like an hour, cause he's spiritual and believes in the basic tenets of Christianity, but aint into organized religion, while I have some weird religious views that don't mesh with Christianity at all. It was interesting to talk religion with someone who knew about my situation but didn't have the idea in their head that even if they like me as a person, I'll still burn in hell for being a wicked, evil sodomite.

Oh yea, I'm bulking up by the way in preparation for my return as a workout partner for our heavyweight. I'm up to 205 pounds on the dot, I finally got to use a scale rather than eyeballing it, though I'm usually able to guess my own weight within 5 pounds just by looking. Ok, time for a double cheeseburger, gotta try to reach 210, especially if I have to wrestle a match at heavyweight, lol.

-Matt

*This is a bit long, not too much repetitive ranting though*

Told a guy on the football team that I'm gay last night. Basically, I walked into my bathroom which is connected to the room next to me and saw those guys smoking some weed with a friend of theirs. I had a class with the dude, and we started talking (I didn't smoke). Anyway, I said I failed the class I was in with him cuz I had some problems. He went on to say that everyone does, f**k, he was way too into coke for a while. Anyway, I said I was too into Ritalin for a bit and he seemed cool, so I tested the waters with something about gays. He said he had a bunch of gay friends in high school. I let a little time go by and said if he guessed my problem, I'd tell him. He said sexuality and I nodded. Funny thing there was that the first thing he asked was if I had a fetish, heh heh. While yes, I do have a thing for girls being raped by Japanese tentacle beasts... Just kidding! Anyway, I shook my head and he asked if I was gay. I said yes and he acted confused, cause it shouldn't be a problem. So I told him the series of events and he understood. Its great, I was so scared about letting anyone know a few months ago, now I'm telling relative strangers and I don't give a f**k. I think it has to do with something I told the dude. Basically, if anyone gives me shit and starts a fight, I'm gonna break their f**king arm and then while I'm kicking them in the face while they lay on the ground with a broken arm, I'm just gonna shout out how I'm gonna tell all their friends about how they got their ass kicked by a faggot, and that if I aint a man, what are they if they got their ass kicked by me? And if it doesn't come to a physical altercation, but the guy still has a problem with me, I can just say that I could kick their ass and then bring their masculinity into question. Either way I come across as a guy who is gay, but if my teammates, friends or anyone else I care about witness or hear of either occurrence, I gain in standing among them. Sure, I might look like an ass**** to some people for doing that, but hey, I don't give a f**k, I aint gonna have someone screw with me for something that I am that isn't bad and I cannot change. And even if I look like an ass****, I look like a TOUGH ass**** who you DON'T MESS WITH. Basically, being able to kick someone's ass provides me with the peace of mind I require to tell people. Cuz the worst that can happen is them saying they don't want any interaction with me, and if thats the case, they can just f**k off, cuz that aint the type of person I want to associate with. Even if one of my friends does that, it just means they weren't a true friend to begin with and I don't need em. Besides, all my close friends know, so if a not too close friend has a problem, what do I care, we didn't hang out much anyway. The dude thought it was hillarious though and said that I should go around picking fights with shitheads who have a problem with me, cause he'd love to see the face-kicking and yelling part.

I think I have a problem though, cause I dream of kicking someone's ass like that, and I mean kicking their ass in a way that sends em to the hospital, cause as long as they start the fight and there are people around that will confirm it, I don't get in trouble cause it was self defense. Yea... I have way too much repressed anger now that I aint wrestling.

Oh yea, and speaking of wrestling, I spoke with a guy who knows and its finalized. I'm telling the team once the season ends. I'm waiting cuz I don't want to be a distraction. I think I'm gonna send out an email that says that I have something I need to tell the guys on the team. Say its important and that I'd really appreciate it if everyone showed up because I want to tell them face to face, so if they can't make it, I'd want to meet with them before I told everyone else. Say it has to do with my problems and that telling them will really put my mind at ease, even if they think I'm wrong or an ass**** because of what my problem was.

***** = someone's name

Once thats done and I get em all in the room, I'll first ask them not to say anything until I'm done. Then I'll ask them if I've ever been indecent towards them. That won't give it away, but it will point them towards what I have to say. They'll say "NO" or they'll be lying. Then I'll ask if anyone remember's *****'s drunken, ranting email from last year. Some might remember, but it was long and the part about gay wrestlers deserving to die was a small part, so they still won't know. I'll follow that by saying that I'm bipolar and was in a period of depression, in part due to getting injured, when that email got sent out. That meant it was very hard for me to hear what the email said about people like me. Now some should know, cause "people like me" kinda makes it obvious. Then I'll say that some of them should know the problem now, but let me just say one more thing before you blurt it out. Before the email, when I was depressed, I was at a party and a few of you guys were there. I ended up bolting from the party after talking to someone. Well, apparently I was getting checked out from the moment I got there, since I was told, "I've been watching you since you got here, you're kinda cute." I'll add some humor now and say that apparently you guys are some ugly motherf**kers, cause I aint no Brad Pitt and it was me who got told this, not you guys. This scared me though, so I said I had to go and sprinted back to my room. Oh and I fully agree with him, because it was a gay guy who said that and I also like guys. Yea, but basically, I realized I like guys after the season sophomore year, I was depressed after getting hurt, got hit on by a gay guy in front of y'all which scared me and made me start locking myself in my room so I wouldn't give my sexuality away. Then **** sent out that email which made me think y'all hated me for who I am. I now know that aint the case cause I spoke to a few of you before this. Oh yea, ******... I still like girls, in fact, I believe I beat you to the punch as far as losing the V-Card goes (more humor). Then I'll open the floor to questions, saying that if anyone has a problem with it, I want them to be open about it and say it to my face.

It probably won't go as planned, but every time I go over it in my head, it basically follows what I said. Hell, after asking about indecency, I might just say that, "Then it shouldn't be a problem if my gay ass is in the showers with y'all"

Oh yea, and I f**ked my paper for the incomplete up so bad that I need to re-write it, so it'll be a little longer before I rejoin the team. Oops.

God thats long, but I'm excited cause I've realized that I don't give a f**k anymore.
Quoting the greatest movie ever - Starship Troopers:

Jean Rasczak: And force my friends is violence. The supreme authority from which all other authorities are derived.

and

Dizzy: My mother always told me that violence doesn't solve anything.
Jean Rasczak: Really? I wonder what the city founders of Hiroshima would have to say about that.
[to Carmen]
Jean Rasczak: You.
Carmen: They wouldn't say anything. Hiroshima was destroyed.
Jean Rasczak: Correct. Violence has resolved more conflicts than anything else. The contrary opinion that violence doesn't solve anything is merely wishful thinking at its worst.

Exactly, violence may not change a person's mind as far as their dislike of gay people goes, but it sure as hell will make them realize that not all gay people are effeminate pussies - likely their belief if they start a fight with me, and now they'll realize that gay people are to be respected. What do I have left to worry about? 3 things, thats it. My mom's reaction, if my grandmother lives long enough and finds out (Hopefully she doesn't find out), and the reaction of the wrestling community in my hometown if they find out. The last two are unlikely to happen, and if they do, not in the near future. The first worries me, but my dad is fine with it, so eventually she'll come around if she has a problem. Hence, it is no problem. God I feel refreshingly free at the moment, all because of my little friend - violence. Damn I want to fight someone right now! And guess what! I spoke to a guy who was on my freshman hall 3 nights ago, and he does jiu-jitsu and said he'd want to spar! So I can, sort of, fight someone! Woo-hoo!

-Matt

*Condensed*

Told a dude I'm gay. Our conversation made me realize I can kick almost anyone's ass. Hence, whats the problem with people knowing. If theres a problem I kick someone's ass or threaten to kick someone's ass, either way, the people I give a crap abouts opinions of me improve (Yes, my friends are like that).

I'm GOING to tell my team once the season is over.

Starship Troopers is the greatest movie ever. If you disagree, you are like the people who thought we were smarter than the bugs. Those people were wrong. If you haven't seen the movie and don't understand what I just said, shame on you.

Hey y'all, I just realized something about myself that I figured I'd share. Basically, since I'm bipolar, I go through manic episodes. During these times I think in a fundamentally different way and interpret things in odd ways. Basically, I've stated before that I don't look at other wrestlers, and that I try to abide by my own moral code. I mean, yes, I might stare for a few seconds, then realize what I'm doing and force myself to stop. But I aint actually going around looking at my teammates or a guy that I have wrestled or will wrestle. Those are off limits, seeing as I have likely either straddled said people or grabbed their crotch at some point in time, and I'd feel like a bit of a perv for doing it. The only exceptions I can think of are guys who quit, since they are no longer involved with the sport. Anyway, I read the post about Scott the swimmer while I was a bit manic, and I took my interpretations from before to mean I look at guys. Even though I force myself to turn away, and I don't have the intention of staring, I just felt like I agreed with Scott in that there is no harm in looking at guys. I end up f**king hating myself for this shit though, cause it makes me feel like a habitual liar. The worst part is though that I aint lying! I'm just saying what I feel is the truth at that moment in time. I've thought about this and it translates into the rest of my life as well. One time its a huge problem is when I'm coaching wrestling, because I end up feeling that the key to doing a move correctly is something different than what I would normally say, and end up teaching the kids not something wrong, but I'll show one little part of the move in a different way causing it to be less effective. Then I'm forced to correct those little things at the next practice. What I'm teaching is still better than what anyone else in my hometown can do, so I aint hurting em, they are getting better, but I aint teaching as well as I can. Oh, and I ended up having to re-write that paper for the incomplete because it was such a piece of shit. I'm starting to see why now. When I get manic, which is a common enough occurrence, usually at least once a week, I end up changing things and the tone and purpose of the paper becomes different. Lately, its been once a day though, so I cant make any goddamn progress, since all I really need to do is find academic citations, but when I'm manic, I want to change the paper to something easier to find citations for. Thank god the medication I'm on makes the episodes less potent, but for some reason they have been way more frequent lately. Anyway, this has to do with my flip flopping about topics having to do with my sexuality as well. The shitty part is that when I post stuff or say things to people when I'm like this, I feel like a goddamn liar afterwards even though I wasn't f**king lying! This leads to self loathing which leads to the other part of the bi-polar spectrum - depression! Joy. I was in a pissed off mood when I wrote this article, not a manic episode, thats why its so rambling by the way. I ended up checking the website for a course to see if there was homework, there was none, but I saw my class and 2:30 right smack dab next to each other so I went over to class at that time. The problem is that the f**king class is at 1:30! It was only upon looking at the website again that I saw the small print in a color that blended in with the background. "Office Hours" was listed above the goddamn time! But thats besides the point, I've been going to this f**king class at 1:30, what the hell is wrong with me going over at 2:30? f**k! Shit like this gets me really, really pissed off, because I wasn't being a screw up, I was making an attempt to be a good student and I still manage to screw everything up. I rarely, RARELY get like this, I was this freaking close *pinches thumb and index finger together* to throwing a full bottle of liquor out my window. I saw the people who were walking around below and I didn't care either, i mean I am the nicest guy, I may be harsh, I may desire to kick someone's ass, I may be able to kick someone's ass, but I always solve things diplomatically and would feel bad afterwards if i was in a fight. Thats scary that I changed like that all of a sudden, but thats the reason for this whole rant. I don't want to destroy stuff anymore, but I swear to god that I'm just shouting out the word "FECK" at random almost like I have tourettes. I just cant get past the fact that I'm working my ass off to try and get things done and not be a f**k up and yet I still manage to be one, its the most depressing goddamn thing. then realizing what I did about when I become manic, and seeing how much that is hindering me when writing this paper honestly makes me feel like things are just out of my control. I'm done, I'm going to take a drive to the store, buy some cigarettes, and drive up and down the highway smoking them with the radio blaring. Thats always a cure for this sort of shit, and if anyone reads this, no, I aint gonna speed at 90 miles an hour, I'm setting the cruise at 75. I may be a f**k up, but I aint getting pulled over cause I'll knock that motherf**king cop out and go to jail.

-Matt

Hey Matt,

While I find your posts interesting & I'm glad to hear the progress you're making w/ coming out, I must be honest & say that your constant talk (& dreams) of "kicking someone's ass" is a bit worrisome. Especially since you say that you're bipolar. Have you addressed this issue w/ your therapist? I think you need to. It does sound like there is some seriously repressed anger. Why?...That is something you'll need to explore & figure out for yourself. Good luck kiddo.

I appologize for the cursing, but this contains my utter hatred of some people who deserve it. Oh, and if you can't deal with the rant, I'm gonna say it here, I don't think I want to wrestle this year and help the team out. Thinking about it, they just f**king discarded me and thought nothing of it. Guys made no effort to contact me or see how I was doing. They probably wish they hadn't treated me like the plague now though, cause I'd had a support network that was pulling for me to overcome my then difficulty sleeping, I might have started thinking that, "Hey! These guys don't hate me after all!" and been able to sleep, thus I'd have been able to rejoin the team long ago. But f**k them, they treated me like shit, so now I'm thinking I'll deny them my services.

Shit, I just had about 15 paragraphs here of various things that annoy me, but I'd be ranting again. You know what really makes me angry and want to kick someone's ass? People. People talk about you behind your back when you have problems that obviously have a very negative impact on you life, such as depression. People who are supposedly you brothers f**king abandon you when you need them the most (Earlier this season when I wasn't sleeping and got suspended from the team, guess how many of my teammates stopped by my room to see how I was doing!? None. Thanks guys! Two of them eventually reached out to me though which I'm grateful for.). People treat you hostilely when you say you can't do work. No joke, one guy on the team glared at me and said "Just f**king do it!" after I mentioned I had been working on a paper all night and gotten nowhere. If I was working on it all night you jackass, I can't, "Just f**king do it." People think they're hot shit and act tough. Today, on the way back from class three guys were walking towards me. They took up the entire path, and since it had rained, there was mud on the sides. I see the scrawny motherf**kers walking around like they got suitcases under each arm, they're obviously expecting me to go around them, in the mud, cause they're acting tough. f**k that. I just looked downward and kept walking, eventually bumping into the middle one who, as I predicted hadn't moved to allow me through. Well, he moved once I looked up after bumping into him and used my best clueless voice, "Huh? Oh, yo, sorry man." Heh heh, after that, I just walked away... shithead punks.

I hate people oh so very much. Oh yes I do. But writing this, something clicked in my head. More than people in general, I hate my teammates. Well... maybe not hate, but feel betrayed by... actually yea, I f**kING HATE MOST OF THEM. Literally half the team has had no contact with me whatsoever since I left. I can understand the freshmen no really being inclined to give a shit about me, I really can, since I don't know them too well. The sophomores too, since I was only on the team for a little bit last year. But the juniors and seniors have no f**king excuse for this. It is the biggest insult when I am the most important guy on the team, because I often pin guys when I win, scoring lots of TEAM points. Now, seeing as how I'm so important to the TEAM, don't you think someone who cared about the TEAM would try to talk with me and attempt to get me back on the TEAM? Even if they didn't like me as a person, they sure as f**k would cause we are bah-ah-ah-ah-ad this year. Yea, I think there are a few matches that - if I was there - we would have won (Assuming my skills haven't degraded to the point that I'm worse than I was in high school, and I don't think that's the case). Ya know what though? I aint friends with most of these guys, I'll admit it, I don't expect heartfelt concern from them. But we are teammates and we have partied together and I assume, had at least a decent time partying together. I assume they give a shit about me as a person because they acknowledge my presence on campus. So I just don't get it, what the hell, they f**king betrayed me, all but... lets see... 3 of them and maybe 5 of them. I'll go with 5, because I see 2 of the freshmen almost every day when going to class and they're always pestering me about when I'll be back, and we'll stand around and talk for a while after they have a meet so I can find out what happened. They express enough desire to have me back as well as willingness to shoot the shit with me that I can't feel betrayed by them. Then we got the three guys I've told about my sexuality. Two of them actually contacted me to see how I was doing, but that was maybe two weeks after the suspension. What kills me here though is a core group of 3 guys who I assumed were almost on the level of friends. Of these guys, I still haven't seen one. Prior to matches starting, when they could still party, I made numerous attempts to contact another one of them, seeing if he wanted to drink, go out, do something, whatever and every time he had a lame excuse. He was lying though, one night I saw him out. That was like a f**king dagger through the heart, yea, cause apparently to him all I did was score team points and once I wasn't doing that anymore, I could be discarded like yesterdays trash. f**k him. I'm going to beat the shit out of him once I'm back in the room, oh yes, there will be pain.

-You should see my face right now, it is stuck in the most wonderfully malicious, evil grin, because I am going to cause as much f**king pain as possible. That motherf**ker shouldn't have screwed me over

The other one, I see on a semi-regular basis, but he was a leader of sorts on the team, and I expected from him some sort of willingness to help me out if I needed it, maybe invite me to a f**king party his house was throwing, you know, keep me included in some bit of the team rather than just, again, discard me like I'm some sort of trash. No, he did none of that, in fact he made sure to keep conversations superficial and short. I think this may have had to do with my coach on some level however, as I did see the last guy in a bar once and we ended up talking for like 30 minutes, and eventually he said "We REALLY need you back man, seriously, we miss you man." I specifically remember that part. "Miss You" OK - WHAT THE f**k!?!? You miss me? Then why the f**k didn't you make an effort to f**king contact me. Yea, I honestly, in the back of my mind, think my coach hatched some sort of conspiracy against me. I mean that.

I don't think I've mentioned all this before, but yea, these guys f**ked me over. I haven't really thought about it myself as a matter of fact. I've known subconsciously, but I guess, as teammates, I wanted to like them. I'm really shocked at the moment though that I was just discarded by the majority of my teammates when it was intended that I rejoin at some point. I just don't know, I'm shaking my head right now. Honestly, I'm contemplating this at the moment, I don't know if I want to f**king rejoin till the season ends. I really don't think I want to help them out after all. I mean really, there are 3 of them that really f**king hurt me, but I put it out of my mind. I'm gonna speak with one of the guys who knows about my sexuality about this.

For what it's worth (a bit off topic), society & religious folk have deceitfully made us believe that a human being cannot be a man & gay; Christian & gay; or a college wrestler & gay, etc. You get the pix. Truth is, that is a lie! When gay men learn to integrate supposedly "opposite" personas only then can wholeness & peace happen. Never let ANYONE tell you that you must choose--one or the other. You can be both!

Oh, I know I can be both, I no longer have any self loathing. Problem is, I now have a lot of hatred towards other people, but actually not so much towards religious folks. Hell, they believe the Earth is flat, the sun revolves around the Earth, and that if you are a male and you brother dies, leaving his wife with no children, you now have an obligation to get jiggy with her. Silly Christians, blind faith is for kids! Anyway, I tend to be able to put religious freaks to shame by using tidbits on information from their religion that contradict what they believe. Hell, my grandmother wont talk about religion with me because, just to be an ass****, after she said something intolerant that was based in religion, it had to do with Muslims, but I forget what, I started contradicting everything religious that she said, it was great, because she goes to church three times a week and I shower her up, heh heh. Oh, and my Aunt used to call, warning us that Israel being run by Jews is the sign on the coming of the Apocalypse, and asking if we had a personal relationship with Jesus. In tag team fashion, me and my dad played the contradiction game with her and it got to the point that she stopped trying to preach to us and stepped up her efforts with the rest of my family.

Oh, those silly billy religious peoples. They only believe in the stuff in a religion that corresponds with the way they want to live their life, I mean look at all the variants of Christianity, some people didn't like the original that supposedly came from God and is associated with the Bible. Therefore they just said, "No! Your religion is wrong, this is what God meant!" Then its simple enough to modify the original to suit their needs. Any Christian who knows the history of Christianity cannot deny that there was an original variant somewhere along the line that was the first one to use the Bible. That is Christianity, all these offshoots nowadays have deviated from the original. Why? One example is Martin Luther (I'm pretty sure thats his name). I'm pretty sure he was the one who posted his 99 Theses or something that had to do with the Roman Catholic Church and decided Christianity shouldn't involve gaudy celebrations of God. You gotta think though, why shouldn't it? Sure, you could say building big, expensive churches is like idol worship, or that the money could be put to better use, or anything like that, but guess what? Thats an opinion that is your own, it aint the word of God.

What I'm trying to say is that all religions are based off of some original and then modified by successive generations to suit their needs or beliefs, becoming something altogether different from the original. Since it is different from the original, if the original was the CORRECT religion, we're all going to hell. All English speaking people sure are anyway, cause the translation process causes the words to lose meaning, so we don't even have the correct Bible to base a religion off of. I don't know if my logic flows correctly or smoothly in that, but thats one of my favorite arguments against any Christian religion. Even the biggest redneck will admit (If he has a 5th grade edumacation) that the Bible has been translated and changed over the years. If he won't admit it, show him a website that says it. Thats all you have to do. Now say that he doesn't have the original Bible, so he doesn't have the true Bible, which means he can't be following the true religion, which means that he's truly going to Hell. It might just be that only gay people go to heaven, but somewhere along the line a straight guy hated the fact that the gays were fashionable, so he somehow got the religion altered! It could be true =P.

See, religion can be fun and be your friend! It lets you f**k with die-hard true believers who say, "I don't need no science, I gots me some faith!" cause it just might let you shake that faith. I'm an ass**** though, I love making people question their beliefs... its like Matt Damon at the beginning of Dogma... almost... I guess. Besides, coming up with chains of logic that are correct as long as you dont look too close is fun cause you can blow people's minds man. I guess thats how I incorporate religion with being gay in a healthy way in myself. I strive to destroy the faith of those who would use religion to oppose us!

Christianity can easily be meshed with being gay though, like I said before, your ancestors have altered the base religion to suit their needs, you may as well do it too. If you get told you can't be gay and a Christian, you got a few responses. If its a woman, oh the chauvinist fun can begin... I prefer, "The Bible says that your place is in the home, now make me a sammich before I cane you!" If its a guy, tell him that the Bible says he can't have sex before marriage. Oops, 99% of America is now sinners. We don't follow everything the Bible says, so if you're gay, just don't acknowledge the worthiness of anything the Bible has to say on that subject matter.

As far as not being able to be a man and be gay, I seriously hope that someone says that to me, because that would be the catalyst for me to be able to fight someone without feeling bad about the outcome. Once I knock em out or break their arm, I'm gonna do a little dance around their crumpled body and in the lispiest voice possible mock their manhood and sing "A faggot kicked you ah-ass. A faggot kicked your ah-ass!" I have that dream oh so often and I love it so. It seriously provides me with so much peace of mind. Plus, if anybody sees me do that, in their heads, it creates the idea that it is possible for gay to = man. If all else fails and you're gay and don't believe you're a man, go and have unprotected sex with a woman. 9 months later, congratulations! Your tiny little swimmers have proven your belief wrong, you are a man! Hear you roar!

Eh, yet again I am resorting to violence, but whatever, the fact that I've never been in a fight outside of an MMA gym and am almost always respectful of others should tell you something.

Dude, with all the drama in your life, you are pursuing the wrong career. Find a way to get paid for this.

Really! What 'bout trying out for pro wrestling w/ the WWF? Or the UFC? Or some type of kickboxing? It sounds like something you'd really enjoy. Heck, you don't even have to turn pro, just do it for the sake of doin somethin you'd love. I don't know if they have any training centers near where you live. But I think it would be worth a shot.

I did MMA over the summer, and I'm good at the grappling, but I can't strike worth a damn. I mean, I picked up the basics quicker than all the beginners my friends who do it have seen, but that don't mean I'm good. My reflexes are so slow that I'm at a disadvantage in any striking sport though, I usually see the punch coming when I spar, but am unable to move quick enough to avoid it or parry it. Well, thats with jabs anyway, against the guys who aint that good, I saw less combinations and more big punches from the outside. These I could avoid, leading to me getting a Thai clinch, bear hug, or going in on a shot. Now, I didn't do much sparring, so what I'm saying doesn't necessarily apply to how I'd do if I really trained at the sport, but it seems to me that if I can't really avoid the jab, I'm pretty screwed. Thats cause I'd be forced to shoot from the outside if I didn't want to eat punches, and anyone with a little bit of decent training can avoid a shot that isn't set up in some way. It only took 2 weeks of training with me for my friend to be able to avoid those sort of shots, and I outweigh him by 30 pounds. Now maybe I could close the distance for an upper body tie-up quick enough to avoid eating too many punches, but that would involve me getting the timing down to avoid at least a few punches, and I aint sure if I got the reflexes to do it. Same thing goes for shooting, I'd have to wait till I saw an opening, say... him just putting his foot down after taking a step, or seeing him begin to throw a punch. Then I'd have to shoot immediately and quickly. I can't do that in a wrestling match man! I see the openings, but I'm too slow, and I assume that would be the case against anyone good in MMA.

My best bet would be that upper body tie up, cause I can throw the guy and I'm real, real good at avoiding throws (I learned to be, when I practiced with an eventual high school national champion at Greco-Roman Wrestling - The style thats all upper body and almost all throws) but I aint any good at the sort of big throws that cause a dude to land on his head, ending the match. I mean, yea, I can take a guy down with trips from the tie up, and I'd be good at BJJ if I trained in it for real, and BJJ is what I'd use on the ground after the trip. If I can't score a takedown from the position, I also learned a little bit about how to break contact and throw a hook or an elbow while holding him against the cage, then immediately get back in. If you land a good one of either, you can end the fight, cause a good hook will at least stun, allowing me to tee off with big punches, and a good elbow can split a dude, causing a gushing river of blood that won't stop flowing, leading to medical stoppage. The thing is though, that all depends on me being able to avoid enough punches to close the distance!

Ok, now to what I've been getting at with all of this. I'm definitely going to do MMA once my wrestling career truly is over, but I aint sure how good I'll be against someone decent. I keep bringing up the "decent opponent" part, cause wrestlers dominate the amateur levels, since boxers have no clue how to stop a takedown, especially when they extend themselves and maintain a far too upright stance that leaves em open. Jiu jitsu guys are shit with takedowns compared to a wrestler, so with them I can wait to get in on a real good shot, lift em up on my shoulder, and slam their neck on the mat. Or I can stay real tight on the ground if the takedown aint so great, so he can't submit me, leading to the ref standing us back up where I can take him down again. Of course, I always could just tap him, cause I've been able to submit guys who have at least 2 if not more years of BJJ under their belt. I just control them until I get in mount, then I spin an armbar or creep my leg up until its behind his head, causing him to turn and give me a triangle choke. I also can headlock BJJ guys easily cause they tie up with me without any intent behind the tie up, leading to them having no force behind their arms, so I can just step in and force the move when it really shouldn't work. The headlock then becomes a side choke and their face turns purple.

Boxers and BJJ guys make up the bulk of amateur fighters according to my friends who do MMA, and I got a counter for them at the amateur levels, but a decent boxer can keep me at range with that Satanically evil punch known as the jab. He lands enough of them on me, my guards gonna drop and he's gonna knock my ass out with a hook or a right straight. A decent (Well high caliber) BJJ guy (I beat guys who are just "good" at jiu-jitsu at their own game) would give me problems, cause he would know submissions I haven't seen before and might not think to defend until its too late. Of course in that case, I might actually have the better striking, heh heh, and could possibly score a knockout =P. I'd still be able to score a takedown, but I'd have to be careful how I landed in order to avoid a submission.

I mean, I'm capable of knowing what I should do in an MMA fight by analyzing what I'm good at what my opponent is good at and then deciding. I've given a detailed analysis of that the past few paragraphs, and that would benefit me, cause I know the dudes at the gym I went to this summer had a "I'm gonna knock his head off" mentality that doesn't take into account their opponent or even what they're best at, they just wanted to go into animal mode. Think about it, this one dude's jab was quick as lighting when we were striking, and I couldn't avoid it. My friend who has fast hands even commented that the dude's punch speed. He has a fight a week later, what does he do but throw a loopy right, have it get parried, and eat a combination. My friend said that went on until he was eventually knocked out, and that he threw only a handful of jabs. Moron. So my head is a benefit when I do the sport. Ok, I've lost track of my overall purpose right now, so I'm just gonna move onto you saying WWE.

I couldn't be a WWE wrestler for two reasons, but if 2 other things happen, I'd be a freaking star. I couldn't cause I aint 300 pounds of muscle, and I don't got the charisma or balls to stand in a ring in front of thousands of people and say... well, say anything. However... If Vince McMahon gave me steroids (He would) and they allowed my friend who's hilarious when he talks and is a smart-ass to speak for me... well that would be a winning combination. It'd be original, with me not speaking and stuff, and my friend could piss the crowd off, leading to me being a wrestler people wanted to see, if only because they wanted me to get my ass kicked. Yea... this has been our plan since junior year of high school when I started to get good at wrestling, lol. It works the other way too though, he can ride on my success in that scenario, and if he makes it to the UFC, I get to be his wrestling coach at ringside (Well... octagon-side).

Shit. I just don't stop talking when I take my ritalin right before I start typing. I'm gonna shut up now, and get back to doing some work. I know, It's 5:30 AM, but after getting so pissed off Friday night, my sleep schedule's all f**ked up. At least my teammates who know about my sexuality agree with my anger, in fact one said he's now hoping somebody says shit to me when I tell the team. He feels the same way, as far as not feeling like part of the team and guys being ass****s and not returning calls or lying about shit. Plus in my situation, he agreed it was totally f**ked up. Anyway, he wants one guy to say shit so I can lay him out, then dance around him and do my little, "You got your ass kicked by a fahhh-git, a faggot kicked your ahhh-ss" dance, and subsequently call the whole team out for being a bunch of ass****s. Granted, I don't think I can call the whole team out, I don't got the balls, but I'm definitely gonna let guys know whats up if they got a problem with me taking so long to finish my paper for my incomplete. Dammit, I started typing again... must... shut... the... f**k... up...

-Matt

Hopefully, none of the guys from the team call you out. And if they do, I'd hope you'd take the high road & not respond violently. In fact, it almost sounds like you're trying to bait one of them & that isn't exactly a "saintly" or mature approach, imho. If you say that you can easily "take any of them out," & they know it too, then what would be the point if you actually did it?! Plus, based on how bad you desire to hurt someone in that type of situation, you are simply asking for some serious assault charges. The last thing you want is a legal record to haunt you for the rest of your career, or jail time for that matter. Matt I know you are a reasonable guy & what I'm saying hopefully sinks in. Don't think about the here & now, think about the future consequences if you hurt someone pretty seriously. If I could be even more frank, then you'd be the ass***e, not one of them if you baited someone into calling you out. There are many positive reasons for coming out to people (i.e. for support, for validation, for inner peace, etc), but kicking someone's ass after you come out is not one of them. If you really want them to respect you then you'd walk away from a possible physical confrontation. Just sayin...

I know, I know, a fight is probably the last thing that will happen, but its the first thing on my mind. I don't know why I want to get in one so bad, I can speculate for hours, but it probably has to do with my constant attempts to not piss people off, leading me to internalize all the anger I feel but don't show. If I did get in one though, I would be defending myself, cause I would never throw the first punch. Speaking with a level head, as I am now, I also probably wouldn't goad a guy into throwing a punch, unless the situation involves someone telling me to back down from something that I believe is justified, or he will start a fight with me. For example, if I'm at a party and a dude has a problem with my being gay, telling me to leave or he'll kick my ass, I'll tell him to f**k off or he'll be the one bleeding on the ground. If I do that, even if he didn't really want to fight me and is just acting tough and being an ass****, he will probably take a swing at me. Only in situations like that, where I am justified in standing up for myself would I ever goad a guy into a fight. Plus, if nobody is around, chances are I won't even stand up for myself and will leave or defuse the situation, cause I won't appear to be a pussy in front of people.

I don't radiate a tough-guy image, don't want to have a tough-guy image, and tell my friends who go around acting all tough that they're f**king ass****s. But I will not be called a pussy. I may get depressed and break down, I've broken down in practice before where my eyes started tearing and I was on the verge of crying, and this caused my toughness to be questioned, until people realized I was diagnosed as bi-polar, but nobody called me a pussy. If that happened, they would have gotten their ass kicked, and they knew it, based on how good of a wrestler I am and the fact that my wrestling ability would let me take them down and pummel their face in. The group of guys around when I last wrestled knew this and wouldn't mess with me because of my wrestling ability and because they respected me, something the guys currently on the team don't seem to do. Plus my name was known by most people on campus, because I was the kid who got really drunk when he partied, and I was the best wrestler on the team, this last part would have made people think twice about messing with me. Now however, I'm more known for my problems than anything else, and people don't realize how good of a wrestler I am, and they don't know I did some MMA over the summer. Since although I am pretty muscular, the way I act doesn't make me appear to be too tough. That makes it possible that some ass**** will start shit with me, be it a teammate telling me to quit or I'll get my ass kicked, or a drunken ass**** at a party telling me that they don't allow fags there (I only go to parties where I know the hosts, so this would be someone with no right to kick me off the premises).

A lot of what I say about fighting basically reassures me that any problems associated with telling my team will not really be problems. Oh, I do dream of getting into a fight because of my sexuality. I dream of prancing around someone I knocked out, singing shit about a gay guy kicking their ass. I dream of doing this in front of a large crowd. I dream of having opposing team fans heckle me about my sexuality. Of course then I pin their wrestler and start taunting them. These are all dreams however, not reality, in reality I am very calm and controlled with my actions. I dream of this stuff because I really, really want to say screw it with restraint, I'm just going to do what I feel like. I don't though, because I like being thought of as a nice individual by people my age, even if I am a bit crude. I like the parents of people I wrestled with hold me in such high esteem as they do, because of my ability and because I always respected my opponents, spoke with the parents, took the time to help the younger guys on my team as well as the kids in our youth league, got good grades, etc. etc. I never let them, or people in general see me when I lose restraint. The one wrestling match in high school where I lost my shit cause the ref screwed me over, I went into our back gym and started screaming curses and throwing the crash mats that were lying around. I got pissed at my team the other day and really felt like calling them out, but instead I got drunk by myself and emailed a guy on the team who I respected and wasn't pissed at and told him what was up.

This is how I feel with a level head. When I get angry, manic, drunk, whatever, I feel differently and write differently, but what I say now is how shit would likely go down. Oh, and as for the last thing that you said, as far as respect goes. I am willing to lose respect for walking a way from a fight, but only a certain kind of respect, because I don't care about the kind of respect that involves being willing to fight anyone, anytime. I will not however lose the respect that comes from my ability to kick someone's ass. If someone calls me a pussy, they better be able to back it up. I absolutely hate guys who go around acting tough like they're the shit. I said that before. I don't go around acting tough, but I am. Someone wants to act tough, and call my toughness into question, I just can't stand it, they better be able to back it up. Its the only area of machismo I really subscribe to. I really take pride in my toughness. I know I'm repeating myself, but I can't think of the correct way to word it. Aight, I got class now, if this makes sense to you, great, if not, I'll try to reword it when I get back. This is coming from me with a level head though, and really thinking about the way I would act, rather than thinking about how I would like to act... sometimes I think the way I'd like to act is how I would act, and really believe it at that moment, though deep down I know that I'm going to act in a way I don't really want to but is the correct thing to do. Phew, thats even more confusing, and its what I'll leave you with.

Peace,
-Matt

I don't think you are giving people in general much credit. I've told some of my peers & coworkers that I was gay thinking that they were gonna call me out, ask me to leave a party, etc. What I found instead was sincere & deep friendships. For i.e., I'm talkin 'bout police officers/sheriff officers that I worked with & I found nothing but acceptance, encouragement & invites to their parties. Yeah there are those homophobe types that you have described, but most of those will simply avoid you & keep their mouths shut, especially if they know that you can defend yourself & throw a good whoopin on them. Don't over-analyze your current situation, you are creating more drama for yourself than you can imagine. Take a deep breath & certainly take one day at a time. You'll be surprised how many people will embrace you for simply being Matt.

Of course I don't give people in general much credit, people suck =P. Like today, I attended a group for LGBTQ students and got my eyes opened to some shit. I can't go into specifics, cause theres a confidentiality agreement, but I learned some shit about guys on my team that I don't really like. At the moment, I'm thinking that I'll keep going to these meetings where I can learn about and meet the gay community on campus, and live my life however the f**k I feel like, but I aint telling the team. If they got questions for me, I'll answer truthfully, but I aint telling em all at once. Nope, that would cause the shit to hit the fan. I think. From what I heard. I'd be fine, cause people got my back, and I learned some good things about some of the other guys on the team, but my coming out to the entire team at once would likely cause either a fight to break out, or a schism to form. Oh yea, people really do suck.

At least this has stopped me from over-analyzing the situation, now I'm more sure of what it is, and can be ready for the people I know are going to be ass****s, unless they've drastically changed. The one good thing is that the people who are ass****s are the guys who I think are ass****s in general, so I don't give a shit about what they think.

Thats all I'm gonna say right now, if I keep talking I'll end up breaching the confidentiality thing, and even though nobody would know, it just would be the wrong thing to do.

Oh yea! I'm gonna work out with a guy on the team today, cause he's overweight and needs to do a little bit extra to lose the weight, so I will wrestle today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

-Matt

So do you think that the people here on OS sux?

...Just jivin w/ you. Glad to hear that you went to a LGBTQ meeting on campus...That's a huge step! Brings back memories when I was @ SC & went to a few of our meetings. Greg Louganis would show up once in a while. That was during the heydays of his diving career & the '84 Olympics & all. The rest of the world (or @ least most of the world, except us) were clueless 'bout his sexuality. Go figure.

you know college i find it intresting that you are starting to come out more while you are away from the sport. i know i had done so while i was off the mat and off the field for a few months, but lets be real about sexuality and sport. there was a book i read called In the Game:Gay Athletes and the Masculinity culture by Eric Anderson while i was in college and doing my senior porject. I found that coming out while it makes one feel better the book talks about how many of the "masculine" gays are more incline to stay in the closet or just not talk about it. I find it less important to talk about my sexuality over the past few months because it has stressed me out over the idea of going through the coming out process in a manor that could damage my training.
Its no longer about sex in many ways hell you can tell someone you f**ked a cow in most arenas and they will look at you and move on. Its the fact that in sport we feel that inorder to come out we need someone to hold our hands because it isnt easy, but where is that support? I used to go to the LGBT support group and found many of them to be far away from someone like me. And your roomates and the friends you tell who love you no matter what can only understand a little. Our ideas of who we will spend our lives with is based off of complete compatability. I know most people will have sex with women and men hell i know i have while i was in college, but i know i want to spend the rest of my life with someone i love. Coaching dosent make it easy and knowing that in a sport like wrestling and football where one in every 10 is had to have homosexual relationships ( and i do mean a relationship because 75% of men have gay exsperiance) so on a college wrestling team one starter will be gay and on a college football team 3 starters will be gay and over 10 on a team will be gay.
So do drag shows represent these 30-40 student athletes who are gay, and i am just talking about the men the representation of female athletes would almost double this number. so the take all active members in the NCAA and you would have somewhere close to 15,000 student athletes. i really didnt know where i was taking this it just seems to me that kids arent alone and yet there has to be more that people or someone can do to help them out. College wrestler isnt alone, yet i can tell he sometimes feels alone and he has found an outlet, but what about all the other athletes who arent strong on there own to come out or just be who they are.
I graduated from a D2 power after i left maryland and on the field i am still seen as a monster when i go back, but that shadow of dout lives in the heads of a few when going out or faced to be near me. They all fear that i can hurt them if they say the wrong thing. Most Gays arent out to hurt anyone they just want to find love and live a good life. In my case i do sometimes look for fights but thats the ass**** in me not the sexuality.

...An appropriate follow up article about Wrestling...
San Francisco's Golden Gate Wrestling's new high school project and what the future should look like :

http://www.edgesanfrancisco.com/index.php?...3=&id=56003

Matt,

I've held off saying anything because I am on the decline in terms of my anger and drunk brawling antics and all of that stuff and I didn't want it to seem like I was judging you from a space that I am no longer in. But I was a bit worried about your level of self medication (drinking) and today when I read that you were bipolar I was wondering how drinking affects you with your medicine.

I had a bad week last week and it just so happened that my neighbors came home drunk 4 nights straight at 4am. I asked them to quiet down one night and the next they were screaming "faggot" from their apartment at 4am. They know enough about me to know that this was offensive; but I waited until they were sober to talk to them. I did punch a hole straight through the bag and box my laptop came in and threw some sh* around my apartment before talking to them that morning. But in all, I didn't resort to violence. I communicated that I felt disrespected by their actions and asked them to stop. I also told them that it's the fight in the dog, not the dog in the fight, and my personality is such that I am sometimes looking for a fight and I didn't want to fight them but everyone has their limits. They apologized and it has been cool again ever since. I've figured out that I never trusted communication because I was afraid I would still be mad afterward or that people would let me down and escalate matters. In the aftermath, I've decided to take up kickboxing at the gym because it did feel good to punch something again and release. Granted, if this happened a few years ago, I would have tried my best to make an example of everyone in that apartment (4 straight dudes). I guess I'm sharing this story with the hope that you don't jump ten years into the future to be where I am, but that you work on your anger now so that maybe you can get to a better place faster than I did. I think a lot of people generally hate humanity or fantasize constantly about hitting people in the face with liquor bottles, but anger is just energy and putting that energy to good use can make the world a much cooler place to live.

I have a friend in MMA with a wrestling background. I think it just takes the nuts to stick with it and work on the other aspects of your game. You might not be the best boxer but imagine how much better you'll be in 2010 with practice and training.

I'm not your boyfriend. I'm not your Dad. I am a guy who cares though. Humbly submitted my friend. Jay

Hey, thanks for the responses guys. Right now, I'm a lot less angry than I have been, probably cuz I've, uhmmmm... been with a guy I met at that meeting =D! Yay! Funny story too, I ended up having to move my car cause it was in a spot thats only usable until 7AM. So I move it, and get back to my room. I forgot I locked my door cause I heard people banging around in the hallway, one time they even hit my door. So I basically ended up locking myself out of my room at 3AM. The dude was a deep sleeper too, so I couldn't wake him up, heh heh, and I ended up spending the night in the communal lounge watching Battlestar Galactica and Sportscenter until my RA woke up and could let me in. It was great though, the entire time I was with the guy, he was fawning over my body and telling me how hot I was, lol. What is it that makes gay guys think I'm good looking while girls don't give me a second look? I mean, the girls I've been with thought I was cute, so maybe it has to do with the fact that I can't make the first move on someone, and girls won't make the first move while gay guys will, but still, this was awesome. Oh yea, and in the process of doing stuff with the guy, a bottle of dip spit ended up getting knocked over and now my room smells god-awful, lol. I guess I just wasn't expecting someone to stop by my room at 2 in the morning, so I didn't clean my room at all, heh heh.

Anyway, on another note, as much as I'm pissed at my team, I saw a few guys this weekend, and they were asking me how I was doing and stuff. It doesn't make up for not giving a shit about me earlier this year, but at least it shows they do care about me, if only a little.

Its true though that it is the ass**** in me thats looking for a fight, and while it does have to do with my sexuality on some level, I just wanna kick someone's ass =P. While I aint gonna jump 10 years into the future, I'm also probably not gonna start a fight either. If someone starts shit with me though, thats a different story. Like if someone was shouting out "faggot", they better be ready to defend themselves or apologize on the spot.

I'm probably missing some stuff from what y'all posted, but I aint in a terribly talkative mood... probably cause I am real hungover from a kick ass party last night. It sucked on one level though, I mean I helped buy the beer and move it to the party, and then one of the hosts decided I should be cut off. Of course all the other hosts thought this was bullshit, and the beer kept on flowing. Good thing too, cause with enough beer and thanks to the techno music blaring, I started dancing like an ass**** and didn't give a crap that I was making an ass of myself =P.

Anyway, I'm off to watch some COPS and hopefully get rid of this hangover so I can get some work done. Peace y'all.

-Matt

EDIT- On a completely unrelated note, emails from Outsports have been going to my spam folder, I just noticed this. Just saying, cause if anyone on here emailed me, spam gets deleted after 30 days, and I never would have seen the email. I aint an ass****, and I respond to every email I get, so if you sent me something and I didn't get back to you, thats the case. I know my spam folder almost always has something in it, so I'm almost positive that some emails were lost in this way. So anyway, sorry if that happened, I'm going to try to figure out how to change the spam settings in my email so this doesn't happen anymore.

[quote name='Greco08' date='Feb 7 2008, 10:25 PM' post='351736']
Its the fact that in sport we feel that inorder to come out we need someone to hold our hands because it isnt easy, but where is that support? I used to go to the LGBT support group and found many of them to be far away from someone like me. And your roomates and the friends you tell who love you no matter what can only understand a little. ... it just seems to me that kids arent alone and yet there has to be more that people or someone can do to help them out. College wrestler isnt alone, yet i can tell he sometimes feels alone and he has found an outlet, but what about all the other athletes who arent strong on there own to come out or just be who they are...."

Greco,
A lot of what you've said really struck me. The individual coming out process is obviously unique, but I think it is more difficult for athletes to come out while still competing. Maybe it's because we're trained to make sacrifices, so one more isn't that big of a deal; especially in a college career when your career's expiration date is definite and you don't want to risk any chance of success.

I know I've gone through in my head a million times how much I was begging for just one person to talk to and understand me. And I have a best friend of 20 years (since we were 5) who was gay and swam and was a captain just like me that I didn't feel could relate to me. It's tough to find someone that you feel you can relate to in a gay role because anyone with enough notoriety to be visible to the general population seems to display the common stereotypes that some athletes, especially when first discovering their sexuality, just can't relate to or in fact fear.

I know I was scared shitless of what hooking up with a guy meant. Was I gonna turn in to Jack MacFarlane, etc. But the big question I have and almost any athlete that has contacted me is that how can you help on a larger level now? You can't find the needy, closeted athletes until they are ready to get through it anyways. I just wish there were a more proactive way of helping. This post is far too long...I'm sorry.

Matt,
What do you think could have helped your experience? Actions/resources from the school, athletic department, coaches, teammates, etc. Obviously aside from your teammates just being legit guys and being there for a teammate that was in obvious need. Just wondering.

What would have helped the most would have been a high caliber wrestler coming out before me. While its nice to hear stories of those in other sport coming out, I haven't heard of another wrestler. It would have made a difference if they were a good wrestler too, cause that would have made me a lot more comfortable. As for my school, the administration was as helpful as they could have been. I really can't think of anything else they could have done for me, except possibly having the coach give a diversity speech himself at the beginning of the season. Hearing the words from his mouth, rather than at the obligatory meeting with the Athletic Compliance individual, would have made me feel a lot more comfortable. Uhm, yea, other than that, this school's administration has been great.

It is true that I can't really find anyone to relate to. I mean, yea, friends back home are completely supporting. But I guess the one who does MMA and knows about my sexuality is the only one I relate to on some level with this, because even though he isn't gay, he has no problem with it and is always picking my brain for tips on how to wrestle so he can improve as a fighter, and he has no problem doing jiu-jitsu with me, where I inevitably end up in mount, straddling him, lol. Knowing that a friend has no problem with that (As long as I aint humping him or anything =P) really makes me more confident in the human race in general. Plus, he has some gay friends, so I just feel comfortable talking to him about shit and it feels like he understands what I'm going through a lot more than a gay guy who isn't an athlete, or even a gay athlete in a non-contact sport. Still though, its not like he understands 100% or even half of what I'm going through, but on some level, I feel that he does. I don't really know, thats my current mindset, but my opinions of shit like this are always changing, and the next time I post about something like this, I might feel totally differently. I hate having to justify myself like that, but I am constantly changing my mind about this stuff, and I don't want to come across as a compulsive liar. Anyway, I have to go finish a paper.

Oh yea, this post aint too long... look at some of my drunken rants...

-Matt

Hey y'all, just told one of the guys I coach with back home about my sexuality and he was cool with it. A bit taken back, but cool. I don't really think he approves of homosexuality, but his brother is gay and he said that people should just do what makes them happy. He also said he wouldn't tell anyone, and he's been trustworthy in the past, as far as not spilling the beans to the highschoolers we coach about my being suicidal last year. Anyway, we got one kid on my high school team who has a good shot at placing in states, and when I go home for spring break, I should be able to help him out, which is gonna be cool, cause he's one of the guys on the team that I like.

The team itself is doing ok as well, and all the guys I took a special interest in (Because they weren't that good but they gave a crap about getting better as wrestlers, not because I'm a pedophile - I'm absolutely not =P) have been wrestling well lately. So I'm relatively happy. Of course not having someone around on Valentine's Day is a bit of a drag, and the one guy I was hoping to get with is busy tonight, but hey, I've been scoring on a consistent basis lately, so it aint no thang but a chicken wing... god I'm a bleeping loser, lol. Well, I haven't drank today, which is a good thing. Eh, I have no clue where I'm going with this, cause I'm ADD-ing out. Just figured I'd post that I told someone new about my sexuality and he's involved in wrestling, so it was a pretty important person. I'm going to sleep, the amphetamines (Ritalin) have worn out and me is sleepy.

Oh shit! Yea, I lifted today for the first time since September... I was pathetically weak, but hey, its a start. Plus there was a punching bag in the gym I went to, so I got to be an ass**** and grunt while I punched it, lol. I still have some of the form I learned this summer while doing MMA, which was cool. Even though I couldn't lift my arms above my shoulders after lifting, I was able to keep my hands in front of my face after throwing combinations, and my right-straight had some power behind it, though my jab sucks once again.

Crap, I'm ADD-ing out and ranting incoherently again... must... shut... up...

-Matt

Matt,

Your [writing] tone sounds like much of the anger has been deflated & that you're adjusting well. Glad to read your posts of late. I'm also glad to know that so far you receiving positive feedback from those around you (even though you think people sux )...

As for as "scorin on a constant basis," I'm gonna switch to my father role: "Now remember son, there are 3 things to remember: 'Safe sex, condoms, Safe sex.'"

*Warning... Discussion of Sexual Topics... Do Not Read If That Will Offend You*

I know, well... not to be crass, I don't really go all the way (anal) much, in fact, unless I'm forgetting an incident, I haven't done that since my (ex)boyfriend left the area. I did use a condom every time though. Of course, I might be forgetting some hook-up (My memory has been shot lately), but I know for a fact that even if I was blackout drunk, I would have used a condom, if only for the fact that the butthole is a dirty place that I aint going near without protection I mean, if a guy wants me to rim him... hell no... just hell no. <-- + ()() = NO. I know what comes out of there, and lately, it hasn't been pleasant (God, I am a gross person... sorry). Maybe thats just cause I'm new to all of this, but seriously, I aint sticking anything that aint seran-wrapped into the place that fecal matter comes out. I also really don't want anything thats not wrapped going inside of me, in case it transitions to oral... that would just be... gross. Uh, lets see... also, if I don't know the person, I aint swallowing. I'm going to get tested next week as well, just to be safe and make sure I aint a walking infection. I mean, I feel that covers most bases, and this campus is almost free of STDs, so I'm pretty safe by doing what I mentioned. If I'm neglecting something, feel free to tell me. If I said too much, feel free to call me an ass****.

-Matt

Oh yes, and people still do suck, they just suck less lately

Alrighty then! ...

Just glad to know that you're being cautious.

What's IPB Image mean? Does it have something to do with the image of Amy Winehouse that's under your name in your post? Perhaps it stands for "I Puff Bones"? She is an admitted marijuana smoker after all . Honestly, I don't think I've ever heard her music, I mean, it must be good cause she was nominated for Grammys (Thats the music awards, right?), but I've definitely heard of her excursions through the streets wearing only a bra on her upper body. Heh heh... (I'll shut up now, since she's your picture, and I don't want to offend you if you're a fan of hers, cause you're looking out for me, but making jokes about her is just too easy... especially for an arsehole like meeeeeeee... since I go to collegehumor.com all the time, and her name tends to pop up in the link section there, so I find out about her bra-clad excursions... Ok... must... shut... up... before I really piss a fan of hers off... besides, I should be nice, I've had problems of my own in the past, and I shouldn't laugh at the misfortunes of others... although reading about Britney Spears does warm my heart ever so much... cause she makes me realize I'm not the biggest screw up on the planet! yay! I didn't shave my head and go completely crazy --> ! Just 99% crazy (--> -1%) with a full head of hair... and I didn't marry Kevin Federline and have children with him. Granted, I lack the womanly parts to make that last bit ever happen, but still, I did not bear Kevin Federline's children, and I can be proud of that!)

Goddamn, these little tangents that I intend to be the end of my posts always turn into the bulk of the post itself.

-Matt

The IPB Image means that there was a smilie/emoticon there from another website that is not available on OS. I forgot that ultimately the OS server system blocks any foreign smilie. So I have hosted them via photo bucket & they should appear w/ no prob now.

Sweet, I didn't know you could do that. I did like my little analysis though, heh heh, I thought, "I puff bones" was pretty clever. Eh. I amuse myself far too easily.

-Matt

Yeah I also liked your "puff bones" analysis. You have a twisted sense of humor like I do...

& stop pickin on poor Amy!

Oh yes, I have a very twisted sense of humor. For instance, if I ever decide to kill myself, I am going to dress up in a clown suit, fill the suit with candy, and jump off of a tall building in a public place with lots of children. When I hit the ground, the candy will fly out and the kids will be confused as hell and scarred for life! Yay!

Hmmmm... maybe I'm just plain twisted, and its not just my sense of humor that's that way. I think that's the case. Yea. I guess the picture I just chose as my avatar shows that. I'm going to eat your children! And a piece of your ear! Shit I need stronger meds, lol.

I repeat, "Alrighty then!"

Charonda
Being scared is what its all about in the first place because if each of us wasnt scared of something in the first place coming out wouldnt be hard and our freinds and family really wouldnt need to know because they would just see us as we have always been. Sad to say thats not life and as every athlete who comes out talks more and more openly about how it is or was for the then the easier it will be for younger guys. I 24 years old but sometimes feel like having to process of coming out held of by sports was harder than just coming out. The first time i told a football coach he looked at me and said " well f**k you still drink beer right because i dont know if i can have Cocktails with ya"! He was a coach that had an idea and even after i told him he would tell me that evey time i talked to someone from the NFL i would have to say i was BI just to make it seem better. I did that and you know for what its worth people are able to handale that. Wrestling is not the same i think my freinds in the sport laugh more openly with me about things and when i am in the room its balls to the wall fighting and nothing more. Even MMA guys have started to try and train with me in Greco and freestyle.
I did find on event this week relevent to the topic of where do we go from here in sport with the growing number of out athletes and coaches in sport. I got a call From a D1 Coach who is an old wrestlin gfriend of mine and he wanted me to talk to a wrestler who he thinks is gay. he felt i would be a good person to talk to for the kid, but i told him no not because i didnt want to help, but because we could hurt the kid worse with hear say just like his teammates are doing. sometimes its best to know and just not say anything untill they are ready. I told him just drop small clues about things and maybe in ime he will come to a point when he will talk to you or someone.
I rememeber being confronted by my freinds and just lying to them all at the sametime. They all knew and each person was just going to not call me on my bullshit because they didnt want to see the truth or see me other then the great Dick that i had always been. this type of "intervention" leads to one thing and then another, i was so affraid that i drank so much and still managed to become an All-American and really dont remember to much about the season. I think a sport like football has to many diffrent egos and not enough values placed on it. In True amature sports you do it for the love and the respect while football holds the pipeline dream of getting paid. hell i even got paid to play for a little while yet the over wheelimng think about sports and sexuality is that people fear that in which you know you dont want to be. We all would much rather have the easy road and get married and have the kids the house, not so much the wife but hey if she comes with the house what the hell! But like my wrestling coach said to me If this life we chose was easy everyone would do it, but its not so wipe off the blood and get back out there because once you have wrestled everything else seems easy

Good move.

Heh, for me, people's reactions usually involve, "You're joking, right?" and "You could still kick my ass". Thats cuz people either know, or they don't. The ones who do know, realize that if I find out they spread word of me around campus, I'm going to do my best to make their life a living hell... and will likely break both of their arms. The ones who don't know, have absolutely no clue, so there's no speculation.

EDIT: All I did was pop some xanax, drink 1/4 bottle of whiskey and smoke a cigar. I'm going to drink more, but I didn't do anything too stupid... If I feel like it, I'll explain what was up tomorrow, if not, be glad that you don't have to see into the screwed up workings of my head. END EDIT

As far as talking to the kid though... I know that when I was wrestling in college, I felt lonely as hell, because I didn't feel like anyone like me existed. Like I was an aberration of sorts. In all honesty, if my couch thought something about my sexuality and brought in an openly gay athlete for me to talk to, that might have saved my f**king college career. That little bit of inspiration would have been all that it took.
- On the other hand, if the kid wasn't gay, that would be an awkward conversation...
So I dunno. All I do know is that I'm getting f**king drunk tonight for no good reason. I may have work to do, but f**k school, f**k everything. I'm in depressed mood... (Reasons why are complex, and my brain aint functioning well right now, so I aint explaining them) For the rest of the day, I'm gonna get drunk, snort lines of whatever prescription meds I can get, smoke cigarettes, and possibly destroy some shit anonymously. f**k, I'm angry and depressed, if someone don't pickup my calls and hang out with me soon, I am going to end up doing something stupid. OR I'll just pop 10 xanax and go to sleep and forget about this. Who knows, but I've just flipped the f**k out today. Next time I'm on I'll kinda sorta tell you what I did and why I did it. If you care that is. Cause I'm just a long winded f**k up who really deserves nobody's attention.

-Matt

Oh, and I won't hurt myself tonight, so if you know me or think you know who I be, don't call the cops.

Well... tonight turned out to be semi-good after all. A friend called me up, seeing if I wanted to go to a bar, and I went. I had maybe 6 beers, a Red Headed Slut, a shot of Johnnie Walker Black Label, and some unknown concoction that was handed to me (It tasted like shit and BURRRRRRNT, so it was REAL alcoholic). Anyway, I was talking to this girl I haven't seen in over a year. I thought things were going well! I got her laughing, acted really sweet, and basically did everything right. Then her friends told her they were going so she left. I wanted to punch the shit out of something, I thought I had some poonani for the night, and since I haven't been with a girl in ages, I was excited as shit. I also have had a crush on this girl as long as I can remember. Well... turns out she is engaged. So every thing's fine now. But damn... I thought I was finally gonna get me a girl, and I didn't. Once she left, there were no gay guys that I knew at the bar, and no girls I knew well enough to hit on and not feel like a sketchball, so my hopes for some action were screwed. Overall though, it was a fun night where I got to brag about holding school wrestling records and shit, and just act like the man whenever I met anyone new. Sweetness. Though I do wish that girl wasn't engaged, cause the way that conversation was going, I was in her pants for sure. Life is so cruel. I can sit around and have a guy show up at my door, looking for sex at 2 AM, but when I really try to get with a girl, things like this happen. I mean, if I knew she was engaged at the beginning, I wouldn't have hit on her, cause thats just wrong, but since I didn't know, I pulled out every trick I knew to try and land her in bed. I aint pissed, I'm just laughing about it now. How cruel the fates can be. Especially with all the hot guys around... damn there were some smoking ones tonight that I would have f**ked without a moment's notice.

Gahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm ranting. Tonight was fun, but if only she wasn't engaged... I could pull out the ol' tongue tornado and make her never want to leave me again... If I am good t one sexual activity, I can get a girl moaning with my tongue. Why are you so cruel God? WHHHHHYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHH?

f**k, anyways, I gots me a morning class, so I needs me some sleep. Latah y'all.

-Matt

Okay, so are you bi then? Or "questioning"? Or are you one of those people who don't want to declare themselves gay or bi but just want to sleep with men? I mean, I'm a little confused by all this drama about your telling people you're gay if you're out at a bar trying to get with a girl.

The best way I can put it is that I like guys. Once I slept with a guy, I realized I liked it more than I liked sleeping with a girl. However, if given the chance, I'll still sleep with a girl. Since I haven't been with a girl in so long, I've really, really, REALLY been itching to sleep with a girl. Since I like guys more than I like girls, I consider myself gay. Thats how I view it, you can interpret it in another way, but yea, I'd sleep with a girl, though I'd rather sleep with a guy.

-Matt

college is just fallowing the ways in which he has been raised in a sport where things happen. I myself find having sex with a women not hard at all when i am drunk or sobber but i know that the total connection is with a man still i have days when i just like to talk to girls bullshit adn see if you can get them to come home with you. Although you may not have sex with them you have spent years learning the game and a wrestler likes the hunt its what we do when we are in Fargo and in Vegas we compete for the prize even when we dont want it.

Oh and sex has nothing to do with who you love!

The only scientific study directly concerning sexual orientation that I am aware of has suggested that both men and women who consider themselves bisexual are more likely to actually be gay.

That study would be the one done by the Monell Institute here in Philadelphia which was a blind test using underarm scent reaction. But even they, I think, would admit that the size of the group studied was far too small to draw strong conclusions. I do not know if a larger follow-up study - sort of a silver standard in laboratory investigations - has ever been done, nor whether the results have been independently confirmed by another unassociated laboratory - the gold standard in science.

I know the study was mentioned in the Outsports blog recently and no such confirmational study was referenced there either.

However it has always been my opinion that such behavioral characteristics as sexual activity (not sexual orientation) are highly flexible in humans who have the free will to change their basic desires, if there is a strong enough impetus, even to the extent that they convince themselves of something that is not true. If that were not the case we probably would not be in Iraq now.

The human mind is a very flexible organ. We have the ability to manage it to a larger degree than most of us realize. Personally I would keep an open mind about sexuality until science is more detailed in its studies.

Well based on what your saying then it someone who isnt gay would say then you havce the ability to not be gay. Thats based on the idea that science the mind has the ability to change because its a powerful tool, yet many people who are gay dont grow up in gay homes or are even know a gay person while growing up. No i think that College is gowing through what mny normal athletes go threw and thats wanting to fit in. Its not that he wants to be with a women forever because he says he dosent ( i realy dont know i cant speak for him) its just the feeling of having fun with the game and taking a women home, although i think College is just a little stressed out right now and has turned to drinking to mask his feelings and problems and that is worst because someone will get hurt for all the night drinking and mixing of meds and what not.
I was that guy in school that would take a prec> and drink 3 beeers get f**ked up and drive to a strip club. Why? i had no idea i think i did it to fit in with the rest of the linemen in college.

Maybe I was too careful (or not careful enough?) in what I wrote Greco. What I tried to say was that people are capable of convincing themselves of anything. And to them that may be real. They may convince themselves they are bisexual and it may or may not be true.

It would be easier to believe that you are bisexual if you said so because you do not seem to currently need to use chemicals to escape from reality. I do not know about collegewrestler.

But I would not judge either of you.

The set-up of the Monell study seems to me to be sound, though I admit I have not read it; only the reviews. But it suggests that there may not be any true bisexuals.

It really doesn't matter to me what a person calls him or herself. As long as they are not destructive to others. And hopefully not self-destructive either, though I consider laws against suicide to be superfluous; medical or otherwise, I do consider suicide and self-destructiveness to be selfish acts.

I do not have a problem with collegewrestler or anyone else "playing the field" or having a little fun.

But if he is using these women/girls to boost his own ego he may be playing with fire. One may not forget it.

I understand that and i hope that college isnt going to hurt anyone as long as he is open about it, but think of the world we live in. In some parts of the gay community its Tabo to even think of having sex with a women ever and in the Str8 world your gay if you have contact with a man/ women. So where does that leave a person who enjoys the sex with both and the relationships with one? I'll tell you it leaves that person to have to idenify as gay or str8 because Bi dosent exist in the eyes of many.

I speak as someone who has never had sex with a woman and has never wanted to. So the whole thing just strikes me as odd. But I also believe that you can classify yourself however you want, as long as you're honest with yourself and the one you're with, whether it's a relationship or just a hookup.

One time while on the way home from work I was daydreaming and for some reason I pictured myself at a picnic introducing the family to a girlfriend, and immediately started laughing out loud. I got a couple odd looks from people on the train that day.

*I tried to tone down sexually explicit language, but some is left... don't get pissed at me for it, I give this warning, so its your fault if you read on and get pissed*

*Uh, I'm tired. I'm writing this before I go to bed, so also, don't get pissed at me for being incoherent or anything. If there are any questions, just post em and I'll get back to em when I'm feeling more awake*

I possibly could like girls only because that was what was expected of me for my whole life. Possibly, in a few years, I'll feel no sexual attraction to them. Who knows. I guess I'll delve a little deeper into my sexual feelings here. Well... basically, I rarely get excited by just looking at someone. When that does happen, it tends to be a guy who causes it. However, when it becomes apparent sex is going to happen, I get turned on immediately, guy or girl. It doesn't matter who's stroking my leg, who I'm kissing, whoever is doing what, I get excited. I tend to be more turned on by the prospect of sex than by looking at someone hot. This aint to say that I don't have standards, I do. If I'm making out with someone and they're butt ugly, I get turned off pretty quickly and almost nothing will get me to "rise to attention" again. I don't really know what to say, with all the intricacies associated with my being attracted to people, but in the most basic, crude terms I can think of - If they are good looking, they can suck me off. If they are good looking and I know them well enough, I'll stick it in whatever hole is available. If I am drunk, they only need to be average looking. If I am very drunk, oh god... the horrors... the horrors... I wanted to shoot myself after waking up next to that she-ogre. I mean, really, if someone wants to sleep with me and they're attractive (And I'm looking for action on that specific night), I'll sleep with em. I'd take a guy over a girl, but still, if Maria Sharapova offered to sleep with me... I'd take her over almost any person on this planet.

That reminds me... a girl like Maria, with that toned athletic body, really turns me on. At almost the same level that a hot guy turns me on.

One last thing. I will only go all the way with a guy if I'm in a relationship with them and know them well and feel comfortable. I'm also hesitant about having sex with a girl unless I know them pretty well... (Though I have had sex with strangers when I was really drunk). So a typical sexual encounter for me will involve oral at the most. I'd much rather go down on a guy than on a girl. I appreciate the male anatomy down there more than the female anatomy down there. Although, I've been told by every girl I've gone down on that I'm amazing at it =P... and I'm still learning as far as guys go. Even so, going down on a girl is fun in its own way, and not something I'm averse to, especially considering that there will be re compensation.

I'm limiting my language and stuff, and don't really know where to go with all this, but if someone is willing to get me off, girl or guy, its better than doing it myself, so I'm up for it. I mean, even if you're fully gay, you have to at least be able to pick a good looking woman out of a lineup with less attractive ones. If a good looking person is willing to hook up with me, great!

Uh... one more thing actually, that kind of proves I at least do like women on some level. Back in high school, I only hooked up with girls. When fooling around with said girls, I was able to keep it up until I got off, and I didn't have to close my eyes and imagine a guy or an amazing looking woman. In fact, one girl wasn't even that good looking and she was slightly overweight (Not a fatty, but some extra meat on her bones). We were pretty good friends though, and talked for a while, became close, and eventually I found her attractive. Didn't have to imagine it was someone else even in that case.

Sure, at the moment, I like guys better. But girls are great too, unless they are the she-ogre from 2 years ago. She was pure evil. But besides her, and those like her, girls are great to hook up with. Guys are better, but girls are still good.

Uh, I hope that makes sense, and I don't sound like I'll screw anything that moves (Cause I won't screw teh uggos or teh fattees unless I'm really really drunk, and even then, there has only been 1 case... well 2... if you count the time my sister got the owner of a house party we were at to unlock the bathroom door and save my COMPLETELY unconscious ass from the tatted up emo chick who dragged me in there. That one's kind of funny though... cause they told me the girl was pissed at me for trying to stick it in her butt before I passed out =P... though there may have been more that I just don't remember...) Anyway, yea, I'm just rambling now. There's plenty more about my sexuality, but it would take way too long to cover everything, so I'll leave it with these 2 crude little lines:

Gimme carpet on a nice body and face, I'll munch it --> but I better get my pipe smoked.
Gimme a pipe on a nice body and face, I'll smoke it --> but I better get my pipe smoked.

-Matt