Olympian comes to terms with sexual identity
Lesbian and O.C. native Lauren Lappin finds acceptance on the softball team.
By SCOTT M. REID
The Orange County Register

BEIJING — In a world full of strangers sometimes no one is more distant than the person in the mirror.

Lauren Lappin had been in search of herself for months, years even, a sometimes tortured journey through stages of confusion and denial and the gray areas of her soul, only to arrive at a discovery she wasn't sure she could handle.

Sometimes no one is harder to live with than yourself.

For Lappin the most difficult part of gaining acceptance as a lesbian was accepting herself.

"An inner battle," the U.S. women's softball player said.

"It's hard, it's crazy, because you have this idea of how your life is supposed to be," Lappin said. "We're raised to think a certain way, we're socialized to think a certain way and to think your life is going to be a certain way and when I started to realize that maybe that wasn't the case, that wasn't how my life was going to play out, it I was like 'Is this going to be OK?'"

Eventually embracing her sexuality, Lappin, one of the few openly gay U.S. athletes at the 2008 Olympic Games, would like to make it easier for others to do so as well.

As a player on perhaps the most dominant women's team in Olympic history, the Orange County native hopes that her story will ease the transition for other young gay women and men.

"It is a difficult issue in our country and our world today and it is something I would love to be an ambassador and help people through my own experience," Lappin said.

In coming to terms with her sexuality and then deciding to come out, Lappin not only had concerns about how her family and friends would react but whether her decision would impact her chances of making the U.S. Olympic team.

Would being a lesbian, especially an out lesbian, Lappin asked herself, cost her a shot at a gold medal in Beijing?

"You're trying to make a team, you're trying to live out your dream and you don't want to give them anything to hold you back, to not select you," Lappin said. "And that I think that was an issue for me and it is for many people in this position, not just for softball, but for other sports. So I was hesitant at first.

"But my teammates have been great and I slowly told a few people and then a few more people and then it was just like 'here I am.' It was not an issue."

"This team is very accepting," said U.S. shortstop Natasha Watley. "We don't care if you're purple, green, from another planet. We just don't care. It's who you are. It's no big deal.

"Now if Lauren went into a hitting slump," Watley continued, joking and rolling her eyes, "then we'd have a problem."

Lappin was raised in Anaheim and attended Loara High School.

"I grew up watching the Disneyland fireworks from my front lawn every night," she said.

At Stanford she was a two-time All-American and twice named Pac-10 Defensive Player of the Year. It was in college that Lappin also began the struggle to find herself.

"It was really an inner battle of finally coming to terms with the idea of who I am and really figuring out how to best handle it," she said.

In late 2006, around the time she graduated from Stanford with a degree in American studies, Lappin told her family and began, slowly, coming out.

"It wasn't like a statement or anything like that," Lappin said. "It was me figuring it out and me getting comfortable with it myself and figuring out who I am. In college everyone is figuring out who they are. I didn't know for a while (then) I started realizing this is who I am."

But as Lappin began to embrace her sexuality she still had concerns that others close to her would not.

"My family is very important to me," she said. "Is this going to be OK? Am I going to disappoint them?"

Not a chance. Her parents, Dean and Kelly Lappin, were immediately accepting, Lappin said.

"The biggest thing my parents said to me is 'you can never do anything that's going to disappoint us. We love who you are and respect you for the person you are and we will accept and love whoever you bring into our family,'" said Lappin, her eyes betraying her emotions as she recalled the moment.

"Once I heard those words from my family it was a lot easier to deal with. That helped me become more comfortable with telling people who I might not have told in the first place."

But how would her U.S. teammates and USA Softball, the sport's domestic governing body, deal with her being out?

At the time of her decision to come out, Lappin, although a rising star, was not a lock for Beijing. In 2004 she was an alternate on the U.S. team that won gold in Athens.

"As an athlete you know, especially a high profile athlete there are certain expectations you feel you need to live up to," Lappin said.

U.S. head coach Mike Candrea said Lappin being out was never an issue."Really for me the best thing was just embracing it and embracing who I am and it's made me a better person and a better athlete," she said. "And I've been able to have deeper relationships with my teammates and that helps our team grow."Everyone on this team has been very accepting. I'm lucky because so many people don't have that."