After a night of drinking, I have always been happy, afterward. Now I'm beginning to be sad and depressed after drinking. How do I go back to being happy?

This all started a few weeks ago. My straight friends and I go to the local Country & Western nightclub. We've been going to this place for years. But something changed recently. The first weekend of April we had a wonderful night of heavy drinking - hey, the county fair was going on. Afterwards, we went out to eat, while in the restroom. Something sparked and I came out bawling. I wasn't able to stop. I began thinking of family and friends, I had been missing. Also thinking of my immediate family and how they may perceive me. I could hardly catch my breath with my uncontrollable sobbing. My friends could only console me and tell me things would be okay. I fell ashamed that this happened to me. Why did this happen to me? Drinking has never brought out these feelings.

We took a break from going out. Thinking maybe too much partying and drinking was needed. My mom caught wind of my breakdown. So at a family function she brought my immediate family together. We hashed it out. Everything came out. I didn't want it like this and everyone was shocked. But things were settled. They don't approve of my lifestyle but I'm still loved by all.

This past weekend, we went out again. Time surely would make things better. Nope, again I began feeling sorry for myself. I see all these fine guys at the club and I begin hating myself for being gay. Why can't I be normal like them? Why am I who I am? I can't stand this life. It's not what I want. But I don't know how to change things. A lot of things would have to change. I'm talking about maybe quitting my job, so I can live closer to friends. I'm talking about leaving my family - who has been there every day of my life. I'm talking about starting completely over. And this just makes me more depressed. Because in these times, it's not a good time to start over. I feel so stuck.

So what to do, what to do? How do I get back to being a happy drinker? How do I get back to enjoying life again?

I'd hold off on the drinking until you are feeling more positive about things. Dealing with being gay is tough initially- be consoled by the fact that millions have been where you are now, uncertain of what to do and unhappy. It sounds like you are considering some worthwhile changes. You'll make mistakes, but probably the biggest mistake would be to stay in your current situation. For most, including myself, distance from the familiar was helpful in figuring out how to live as a gay man.

From what I understand alcohol is actually a depressant. Of course, plenty of people drink and don't have reactions the way you did. I would guess it's actually bringing out these feelings you're having anyway, that have been building inside you for a while. It may be a good idea to not drink, or at least limit your intake.



Moving somewhere isn't leaving your family. If they love you, it doesn't matter if you live elsewhere. Of course, you have to think through the financial implications very carefully. Quitting your job doesn't seem like a good idea unless and until you have another one lined up.

Alcohol isn't helping -- you've stated as much. While a drink may seem to offer momentary relief, it really just screens you from your natural feelings, feelings you need to experience full on. So just stop drinking for a while -- it'll be there when this part's over.

Meanwhile, pay attention to yourself; give calm thought to what's going on inside. Right now, you're the only one you have to please. Talk to a trustworthy, thoughtful, non-judgmental friend, one who won't give you advice so much as listen and understand. Who is that person?

Believe me, it'll be worth it -- looking back, you'll be amazed. And happy.

hug, buddy

In my experience alcohol only enhanced anxiety,self-hatred and every other negative feeling. I used to drink to feel more comfortable in my own skin, to feel more comfortable about being gay, to feel more comfortable about being in a gay bar and before you know it I was drunk. I thought drinking would give me the balls to be myself but it doesn't work that way. Aaron,stop running away from yourself. Would you really be comfortable with who you are if you lived in San Francisco or Boston or some other more tolerant city? You might be surprised that the most intolerant person may just be yourself.

I've done the same thing myself after a night of drinking, so I understand where you're coming from.

The best advice I can offer echoes what others have said. Stopping drinking for a few months will give you a chance to examine what's going on in your life, free from the clouding effect that alcohol causes. Talking with a close, non-judgmental friend is an excellent idea, and I would also seek out a therapist or your minister, if you have one.

Perhaps volunteering or joining a local sports league would help as well.

Good luck,sir, and hang in there. I'll be rooting for you.

Aaron, some repressed emotions are coming to the surface under the influence of alchohol. This is why the emotions are rearing themselves at inconvenient times. I will echo everyone else and say refrain from alcohol for a while, until you feel some of the issues have straightened themselves out...they will, in time. Are there any support groups in your area for gay men? Many community health centers have therapists available on a sliding-scale, based on income, so that option should be affordable. You really do need to talk to someone, as you are facing a lot of issues in your life right now. Remember, there is nothing wrong with having issues, it's how we deal with them that matters. Sweeping them under the rug, or drowning them in beer will never help. Festering wounds only become infected. You are off to a good start, now follow through with the advice. Good luck. We are all rooting for you.

Aaron, as everyone else has said, you're not alone. I'm not quite sure where you live in Texas, but if you live in the Huston area, here's a link for you. Scroll down the Resources, and there are a number of organizations you can reach out to, if you are getting overwhelmed and need a helping hand.
Huston GLBT Community Center

Here's another:
Gay and Lesbian Switchboard Huston

3 words my friend:

you need help

Exactly. That's why I started this thread.

But you're missing the point. How do I go back to being happy after drinking? I don't want to stop drinking. At one point I was happy, now I get sad.

I just need to get back to what was making me happy. Not thinking about what others thought of me, for one. Before I didn't care. I would drink and dance. I didn't care what people thought. I was going out there and having fun. Now I notice this one guy. Remember the one thread about "my first hello". I see his brother and I think of him. I've got to stop doing that. Just have fun and not care about anything else.

What the previous posters are trying to tell you is that you won't be able to let loose and have fun getting messed up as long as these huge issues are simmering so close to the surface. I agree with them. Find someone (non-love interest) to whom you can spill your guts repeatedly for an extended period of time, whether it be a psychologist, minister, whatever. Decades of repression and guilt won't go away in an instant and the line between happy drunk and sad drunk can be pretty damn thin.

It wasn't the drink that made you happy. It's not the drink that makes you sad.

Absolutely right!! There is no such thing as "happy drinking" Even an alcoholic knows better than that!

seek professional help. even if I were a licensed therapist, I wouldn't give you advice to your question in the original thread on the board. what would work for other people MAY not work for you, so do yourself and make an appointment to see a therapist soon.

When I was in college I chugged a cup of whiskey one night. On the walk to the on campus bar I was staggering and could hear people laughing at me. I had to deal with a bit of drama at home during my adolescence revolving around my mom’s drinking. Alcoholics don’t appear overnight, my dad would tell me. The decease takes hold gradually over the years. The thoughts of my mom drinking and my dad’s words of wisdom suddenly hit me in my drunken state and I felt extreme shame. Like you, I started balling and telling everyone that my mom was an alcoholic and I felt such shame for my drinking. I said I didn’t deserve to live. One of my pretty blond female friends took me back to my dorm room and wouldn’t leave until she was sure I wasn’t going to actually take my life. I still dream about her to this day and there is always this guilt about not keeping in touch with her.

I still had many happy drunk nights for the next ten or fifteen years but the mornings after were filled with anxiety that I could follow my mom’s footstep. Since my drunk nights were infrequent my friends couldn’t understand my worries but I also worried about some of my friends. I stopped drinking to get drunk one day. I now drink only the best beers and wines and do so with great moderation.

All the guys here are giving you the sound advice you need. Getting drunk serves no purpose other than to make it more difficult to deal with your psychological problems. I suggest you take up a sport or find a creative outlet. Find a constructive not destructive way to deal with the issues you face. Pouring poison into your body is not the way to find happiness.

I went drinking and dancing tonight at the same ol' place. Not a pang of guilt or pain.

I'm just saying....

I'm not sure if it was you or Crew Chief who brought up a topic like this 2 months ago, I think it was you. I really can't say much but hey you've come this far, right? Why drop it now and waste everything away? I know what you're thinking, it will not solve any problems, Aaron. If I'm right, you'll only be hurting those who care about you.

I breezed by the majority of the posts in this topic. I'm not a twirp or an ass****. I just know these people really can't do much other than console you. Going through this shit doesn't make you anymore qualified than the next guy in line. You shouldn't be in this situation, this is something I'm in. By that I mean that you should be happy. You're wiser, older, smarter, etc. Enjoy life and take baby steps at achieving your goal. Your goal is being a successful, happy, and out gay man. You've made great strides so far at achieving your goal.

If I may add, alcohol is something that makes me happy, but not everyone reacts the same way under the influence. However, using it as a way to escape is just terrible. It's not good for you to waste away your days like that. You need to do things that help you let off built up pressure. You like football, right? Try finding an adult league in your area, a few times a week is all you need to be interact with others and help you relieve stress. Obviously you have some really nice guys here you could talk to. It just comes down to you in the end, not OS, not alcohol, not friends, not family, nothing else but you. I'm young, but I know that even just a bit over a year later, none of these things ended up helping me. So I don't think they'll help you, that's just the way it is. If this little post didn't make you smile or anything like that, then I apologize for wasting your time.


-DJ

I'm glad you had a good night.

aaron71, I hope you possess a great awareness about yourself. Now that you are aware of this situation, own it and control it. Don't ruin drinking for yourself. I am with you buddy, it is fun. Hey, we all slip once and a while and become the angry, somber, or sloppy drunks. Perhaps it is a simple fix. Maybe there is a limit to the number of drinks you have when somber aaron71 comes out to visit. Be mindful of it all and you can master this. In the past, I would get angry when my friends would stop drinking when I just wanted to keep going. I realized I could have as many as I want and who gives a dam about them. Everyone has a limit. My friends do not need to match me drink for drink.

Do not find an AA meeting just yet.

I am suggesting some self-awareness. You and only you can dig deep to find out why these incidents have occurred. If you can find out why, admit it, own it, and carry on. So what, going forward, you may have to adjust yourself for whatever it is that brings the tears.

I'm glad to hear that things went well for you May 3. Good luck to you, sir!

Thanks Eric. Things ARE going well. Went partying last night and all was fine.

In fact, after the emotional breakdown, life's fantastic.

Love to hear the progress!

Here's my answer ... don't drink for awhile! If it makes you depressed right now - STOP!

Drink Red Bull or water or SOMETHING non alcoholic.

Well, with age comes experience. My guess is that you've experienced enough to make you start questioning. It's not the booze; that just amplifies your experiences, or depresses them. One of my favorite Bill Cosby lines: A guy says "I drink because it enhances my personality." Yes, but what if he's an a**h***? Well, yes, but what if you're confused/tired/questioning things in life/________(fill in the blank)? Same difference.

Taking a break from drinking may help, but IMO you should get away from everyone for a couple days and figure yourself out. If you don't like what you are, can you change it? If you can't change it, how can you live with it? Telling your family is a big step. Even my mom said "I think it's repulsive" and she's great with it today. Loves my partner to death.

Take it easy. Think. Express yourself and feel free to weep if you need to. There is a certain part of coming out that requires you to mourn what could have been, then accept what actually is.

Best of luck!

aaron - you've moved into the denial part of drinking. You'll keep telling yourself and anyone who'll listen that everything's fine. Meanwhile you're thinking about alcohol before during and after drinking...it's progressive and you may want to be ruthlessly honest with yourself before something worse happens that you can't take back or recover from...it's fantastic that you're questioning your habits, just be honest in your answers and observations...alcohol is one crafty spirit...

As others have said or implied, you may have an alcohol problem. There are four questions to ask yourself (don't rationalize your responses, answer honestly):

1. Are you concerned about your drinking?
2. Are you annoyed when others point out something about your drinking?
3. Do you feel guilt related to your drinking?
4. Do you sometimes need an eye-opener (i.e. an alcoholic drink) the next morning?

Based on what I've read, you might be able to answer Yes to 3 of these, which tells me you have a problem. I'm not being preachy, but you should consider cutting back on the drinking and possibly changing your environment a bit (stop going out so much to those clubs, cut back on the partying) to see how they impact your emotional state.

Based on what I've read in this and other threads, I don't think he goes out to clubs and "parties" excessively, actually. The problem seems to be more how he feels when he does drink.

Thank you Joe, you get it. Aquaman, you don't.

I'm going out tonight, after almost a month away from this club. I have never in my life partied like you think I do. It's only these past couple of years, that I've gone out and enjoyed doing so.

Even when drinking, I can't tell if I'm being hit on. How depressing ...