I confess that I had debated whether to even post this, figuring there'll be folks here who will enjoy blasting me for yet something else I did wrong on a date. Nevertheless, I'm a masochist, I guess. I seem to revel in criticism, insults, and other such treatment. After all, I'm a teacher and a baseball umpire, though this thread will address how the latter seems to be slowly slipping away.

Last Saturday I experienced another rarity in my life, something that comes along about once every North American total solar eclipse--a date. I met this gentleman off one of those more legitimate web sites and we decided to go out to dinner on Saturday. (We had exchanged pics, web cammed, and talked on the phone several times prior to going out.) As it turned out, he loves pizza, I love pizza, so we went to Lou Malnati's in downtown Naperville, a place we both just happen to love.

I picked Don up at his work place in Rosemont (he doesn't drive and lives on the north side of the city in Lakeview) after my early doubleheader, we came back to my place for a few minutes, then headed off to Lou's. First, he commented that I looked like my pictures--gee, I hope I do--and that that was pleasing to him. OK, so far so good. He looked pretty much like his pics, except that he was a lot skinnier in person than I thought--borderline skeletal! But that wasn't a problem or the issue here--just an FYI.

I'm a strapping 6'2", so I felt rather domineering over Don, as he was definitely a lot thinner. He's 5'11", so he's not short, but with him being so thin, I felt that if I sneezed I'd blow him over or something. Nevertheless, he's cute, so no complaints there. I mention this in light of what transpired later at the end of our dinner date.

Anyway, we arrived at Lou's, waited about 30 minutes for a table while having a drink, and were seated for dinner. We got our pizza and had a nice conversation, a very nice one, in fact. He laughed a lot and complimented me a lot, which, of course, felt good. After all, I'm human. It's nice to be complimented, right? Comments like, "You're insane, did you know that?" "You're hilarious." "You're definitely one-of-a-kind. I love that!" came from his mouth. So I'm feeling rather good. Was there some kind of love at first sight feeling I had, so to speak? No, not really; but I'm trying to take these things one step at a time and let something develop, IF it develops. I'd rather become attracted to someone from the inside out rather than the usual, figuring this would be better. Now whether that's the smart thing to do or not, I don't know.

We're finishing our dinner and had discussed walking around downtown Naperville because Don had never done that. It was a beautiful summer evening at twilight, so I was game. Before we finished our dinner, where we were seated on the outside patio because of the wonderful weather, there was this male/female couple a few feet away from us where the guy just kept staring at us with this somewhat incredulous look. It wasn't a typical stare, and it wasn't one where he was eyeing me sexually or anything like that (that's kind of like looking into the sun during an eclipse--it can be damaging to one's eyes, hehe). Instead, he had this look on his face of disgust and incredulity because there were two guys (Don and I) having a nice dinner date.

The stare grew so annoying that I finally said something. I had mentioned this to Don, who had his side to the man and couldn't really tell, but Don didn't say anything to me about ignoring it or not. I did, in fact, ignore it for as long as I could, but when the guy finally shook his head and made an indiscernible, mumbling comment that I assumed was not positive, I rhetorically asked him with a bit of irritation in my voice, "Is there a problem here? Are we somehow bothering you?"

(Note: I'm paraphrasing a bit here to try to accurately recall the exact quotes that were said by both parties.)

The guy was probably a bit surprised that I said anything to him, but he responds, "No, I'm just looking at you having dinner with that homo." I immediately grew angry that he just insulted the guy with whom I was having dinner, so I retorted, "Who the hell says he's gay, and even if he is, just what the hell is wrong with that, huh?"

"Nothing at all if that's what you're into, dinner with some obviously gay dude," this @sshole comments.

Not wanting to leave this alone, which was probably my first mistake, I replied something along the lines of, "Obviously gay? Just what the phuck is 'obviously' gay, huh? Do I look obviously gay?"

He responds, "No way, dude," to which I replied, "Well, I am gay." (emphasis on the "I" there), "And I don't appreciate such comments coming from a prejudicial, ignorant ass like you, and if it didn't land me in handcuffs, inconvenience your wife or girl friend here, and make a mess in this nice restaurant, I'd pound the shit out of you right now."

At that, I told Don we ought to go. We got up, I plopped down the cash for the dinner, left a generous tip, and we departed. As we were leaving, I noticed there was somebody there who, like others seated outside at the tables, witnessed the whole incident, words and all. This person who witnessed it, however, was somebody who knew who I was in umpiring. He's involved with one of the local colleges that I assign as an assignor and whose games I also umpire.

I soon began to wonder, "Uh oh. Great. I just outed myself in front of a bunch of people, and one of them is someone involved in college baseball. Wonderful. NOT."

Well, this morning I get contacted that this school, whose contract with our association is up for renewal, decided to go with another assignor. Truthfully, this news really hurt. This school has a great baseball program, is close to where I live, and the kids on the team have come to know and respect me as a veteran umpire. It hurt me personally and professionally to lose this school, and I keep wondering if what occurred at Lou's Saturday night had something to do with it.

The school's new assignor who picked up the contract is a friend of mine and one of several other college assignors for whom I work. I spoke to him today, and he told me that this school's head coach had contacted him a while ago to simply inquire about making a change. However, something happened in the last couple days that was the proverbial last straw, and the insecure or paranoid part of me can't help but think it was what happened at the restaurant with my date.

I already am dealing with some Internet stalker out there who is on this mission to spread rumors about me being a sick homosexual who preys on college guys (this has gotten so bad that law enforcement and my attorney have been involved), and now that this college baseball individual heard me pop off and out myself, all because I felt it necessary to protect the honor and come to the defense of a guy with whom I was having dinner, these defamatory rumors about me only appear to be that much more credible. No one who has heard them before probably believed them, but when they now hear that "Umpire John Doe" publicly stated he was gay, the opinions of these people will undoubtedly change.

Organized sports is a very macho, homophobic world, and in the officiating ranks, it's worse. Players can cope with one of their own being gay, but the officials really cannot. Plus, it's easier to throw an official under the bus because no one really cares about us.

Anyway...Don and I left, we walked around downtown Naperville for a while, and he was thankful for what I did. Me? I kept wondering if what I did was the smart thing to do, and here's why: I don't think I'm going to see Don again.

We eventually went back to my house where while we didn't have sex, thankfully (remember, I wanted to take these dates slowly, one step at a time), Don wanted to cuddle, so we did. We had a very nice couple of hours just cuddling and talking. He expressed his satisfaction, especially over my "hairy, strong legs" as he called them.

It was around 12:30 a.m. when I told him I'd take him home. He lives on the north side, so I knew it would be a drive, but I didn't mind at all. I dropped him off in Lakeview and began the trip back home. So why don't I think I'll see him again? Well, for one thing, we had talked about doing a few things that both of us really like to do, going to Great America for one thing. I haven't been there in over 20 years, believe it or not, but he loves to go every summer. We had talked about going in a week or so on his day off. He was pumped. Well, when I dropped him off, he told me that Great America was out. He also said he wasn't interested in some other things we had discussed. So, I thanked him for a nice evening and drove back home, now mad at myself for coming to the "defense," if one can call it that, of someone who was essentially a stranger and someone I'm 99% sure I'll never see or talk to again. (And no, I haven't tried contacting him other than replying to a "thank you for a nice evening".)

I guess I'm not even sure why I posted this thread. Maybe to vent or for self-therapy, I don't know. I admit that I'm having regrets on what I said at dinner, mainly in hindsight because obviously nothing's going to happen between Don and me. I suppose I'm having this "Was it worth it?" retrospective feeling. Regardless, it sure looks like what I said in defense of Don ended up hurting my umpiring career, something I have worked very hard to achieve, so much so that I often think it's really the only thing I've got going for myself right now, and if that falls apart, I'm kind of a useless shell.

Sorry to sound like this, but I'm human. I can't deny that I now wish I would've just shut up last Saturday and let the guy continue to insult Don; but I've never been that type of person. I've always put my family and friends before me (I deserve no kudos or praise for that--I'm not asking for any; it's just the way I am) and can't sit still when even a one-time, casual friend is insulted like that.

Well, I've babbled long enough. I've now lost the heartfelt desire to finish even the rest of my summer season.

1. Good you stood up for him! Damn jerk.

2. My philosophy is this: if you can't be yourself, regardless of the circumstances, then I would question if it's really worth it?

3. Ump for gay leagues? Or any other league that's gonna give a rats ass about you being gay.

4. Perhaps you may be reading more into the "ramifications" of the date situation then you need to. You'll know in time. & there's always the option of having a heart-to-heart w/ someone you trust & "in the know" about the umping for the college you were an assignor for.

But was it good that I did this? I'm beginning to think my regrets for what I did are worse than would have been the regrets had I not done anything.



Maybe it is. I've been umpiring for 32 years, since I was a lil tyke basically, and I absolutely love what I do--more now than ever, and why? Because I've established myself not unlike veteran MLB Umpires. But it all seems to be slipping away for reasons mostly beyond my control. Makes me wonder if I'm really as good an umpire as I thought. Perhaps not.



Don't know if I'd feel comfortable with that. Plus, I admit that those are usually softball leagues and not baseball. I don't do the former, only the latter, and have zero interest in softball. Been there, done that. Hated it to umpire.



Well, the head coach won't return my calls. Figures. But based on what has so quickly transpired today alone, it sure sounds like the incident at Lou's Saturday was the nail in my proverbial coffin there.

The umpiring grapevine is very strong and intense. It won't take much time for this to get around.

I believe things happen for a reason. This may be the time that life takes a big turn for you and opens up avenues that you previously thought were closed.

Do you live in a state with discrimination protections? I'd have your attorney work on that level. Even if you don't get reinstated, what about working with colleges to make it ok to be gay and play sports? Everything I see shows more acceptance by the athletes...it's the older generation running everything that's keeping the homophobia alive in that arena.

As for dating.....just be yourself and if the other guy isn't into you, then he's not into you.... it's dating, not marriage ...LOL

I applaud you for standing up for your principles and convictions. It was an honorable thing to do.

But sometimes the honorable thing to do isn't the smart thing to do, which is what I'm sort of feeling right now.

We can't change the past, of course, so I cannot go back and undo what was done last Saturday, but I still can't help but wish I wouldn't have said what I said, if for no other reason than because I wouldn't have to now believe that it may have been the cause of this school severing ties with me umpiring-wise.

What stings even more is that this head coach, when speaking to his new assignor (again, a friend of mine and someone for whom I also do games), specifically told him that he doesn't want to see me assigned to any of his home games next season. Hmmm...




First, I'm lucky to just GET a date. Second, when I do, why can't I just have a frickin' NORMAL one???

I have to ask, how do you think you would have felt had you not stood up and said something?

At the time, I'm sure I would not have felt good, but as I said above, in hindsight, I'm thinking I might have felt better, relatively speaking, not standing up to the jerk. After all, I'd still have this school under contract and wouldn't have this concern that what happened has seriously hurt my umpiring career. I know that sounds selfish, but I'm being honest in answering your question.

No one knows what's going to happen as a result of such incidents, and I surely did not know that my reaction might very well affect my umpiring career. I mean, why the heck would I think that? But it somehow appears to have done just that. I keep wondering, "If only I would've kept my mouth shut...".

" It's nice to be complimented, right? Comments like, "You're insane, did you know that?"

Just curious - why do you find this to be a compliment?

A fair question. It was the context of his comments to me, and the fact that he was laughing and smiling when he said that. He had added something along the lines of, "but I like that." We had been cracking some jokes back and forth, and I told one that he said was so lame as he laughed at it and made that aforementioned comment.

It's always easier to dwell on the "what ifs". If we had turned left instead of right, or gone to the grocery store a half an hour later. Every decision we make has a consequence.

I would you suggest you look at this as a chance to be proactive. Talk to your umpiring organization and perhaps the athletic directors of the schools that you have umpired for. Be up front about what happened becuase it's going to be better to hear it from you rather than second, third and fourth hand knowledge. I would hope that there would be more open minds out there than closed ones. You might also point to reviews of your work and emphasize that one doesn't have anything to do with the other.

I know this sounds optimistic, but rather than let other others direct your path, you need to be the one to be up front.

I had spoken to the Asst. A.D. this morning, and he said the decision was really the team's head coach to make. So, I have attempted to reach the head coach, who so far has not responded to my calls. I'm sure he has received my messages I left for him on his cell phone, but he has thus far not responded. The messages I left him were polite and not threatening, angry, or anything like that. Now whether he ever gets back to me or not, I don't know. If he doesn't, there's not much more I can do, as the Asst. A.D. made it clear that the decision was out of the hands of him and the A.D.

This is one big problem, BTW, in college umpiring when individual schools and not the conferences contract for umpire services. Head coaches have too much say in picking and choosing the officials, which often leads to ass-kissing and other things that strain an official's objectivity. I suppose it doesn't help matters that I ejected this head coach in his last regular season home game (senior day). If he wanted to take it out on me and my association personally, he certainly was able to do just that, unfortunately.

How 'bout contracting w/ another school?

Easier said than done, I'm afraid. All the schools in the area are already booked with other individual assignors or are assigned through their conference, which itself has an agreement with an assignor. I assign other schools, but this one was a plumb for several reasons. With no other school available to pick up, it's a net loss for me personally and for our association professionally. The fact that this head coach personally requested his new (even though he's known him from a previous conference) assignor not assign me to any of this school's home games next year really sticks in my craw.

What about high school leagues? Minor league? The Pros? Police baseball team leagues? Hell, your town/city's baseball league?

You have to ask yourself too if this is about $$ (I assume you received a salary) or if its about a passion you have regardless of a pay cut or simply a volunteer extra curricular activity. Just sayin...

Could you really look in the mirror every morning and be proud of yourself saying "yeah , it was ok to let a homophobic as@hole make fun of my date because at least he didnt guess that I was gay as well"?

Hadn't it ever crossed your mind that just going on a date you might be seen by someone you know and that their gaydar might be more adept than others and they would guess you were gay as well? Unless you never leave the house someone will eventually see you out and about. Especially if they were to see you out and about with the same guy more than once, you know actual dating as opposed to a one night stand.

You might also try meeting guys the old fashioned way....in person and not online before going on a date. It can be done pretty much anywhere...coffee shops, bookstores, bars, even sports events....we're everywhere, LOL.

What he said!

It boils down to what's more important principles or a side job, which frankly (from what you have divulged) you were already having issues/problems w/?

I'm gonna defend Crew Chief on these two points.

My first few years teaching I was very nervous about being seen out in public with my partner. I teach in a small, rural school district and I worried that I could lose my job. I've been teaching with this district for close to ten years now and have a lot fewer worries.

On the issue of meeting guys. When I first started dating, I never felt comfortable meeting guys at a bar, bookstore, etc. My fiance and I met in another old fashioned way, newspaper personal ad.

I don't do high school anymore for a few reasons, one of them being college ball is simply better. Plus, the rules are vastly different. I hate FED rules.

Minor league professional baseball is out, because I'd have to go back to professional umpire school, be good enough to get selected to PBUC's advanced evaluation course, and be good enough out of there to make it to the minors, then spend an average of 10 years before getting into the Show. I'm too old now anyway to try that. I went to school 20 years ago and can't do it again.

Police, rec leagues, and other such leagues are honestly not that enjoyable. I used to do a lot of those years ago, but when one progresses up the officiating ladder to work NCAA ball, one doesn't want to go back.

I don't do it for the money--never have--but NCAA ball pays well. I'd prefer not to have to give that up either. I've busted my rear to earn what I'm earning now.

As far as a salary, I receive an assignment fee from my association at the end of the season. I am not paid by a school or league for this fee.

What about coaching @ the school you work @?

I don't know. I'm beginning to think I could look at myself in the mirror, especially since in hindsight, Don turned out not to really care anyway. After all, he's not interested in me. (FYI, I'm not upset about this. He's cute and all, but his being a smoker was a big turnoff--he was always needing to step outside to have a smoke.)



This never concerned me because I'm often seen in public with guys, especially my umpiring partners, many of whom are not as well-known as I am. Therefore, there's never any need for me to worry about being seen in public. I don't frequent the north side of the city or other places where gays hang out; instead, I generally frequent typical suburbia around here, where there's never a second thought about two guys eating dinner. I also don't give off a gay vibe or a gay scent, so I would think it's hard to tell if I'm gay. I don't put on some false impression or anything like that. I simply am myself, which I don't believe is "stereotypically gay," per se.

Oh, and it's hard for me to get out of the house when I work so much. I'm doing ball games 6 or 7 days a week--every evening/night and weekend days from mid-March through late August, and when this coincides with my school year, well, I have no life.



Because of the time issue and my schedule, online is but one way I've tried meeting guys. I'd try the old-fashioned way more often if I was physically able to do so.





Funny you mention that. This year I'm taking on assistant football coaching duties, mainly because it's an extra two grand.

Excellent CC...Glad to hear you'll be doin something related to sports...As the ole saying goes, "One door closes, another one opens." Something to think about!

Clearly your presence was irksome to the straight guy, which, to my way of lawylerly thinking, means you had the upper hand in the situation. Opening your mouth adds nothing, unless you're directly confronted or challenged.

Well, my umpiring door hasn't closed and hopefully won't ever will until and unless I officially retire. I like sports, of course, but there's nothing I enjoy more than umpiring baseball. I've done it since 1978, since 1992 at the collegiate level. I've worked hard to get where I want and am respected by a lot of other assignors, coaches/managers, players, and umpires in and out of my association because of my rules knowledge, abilities, and the way I've professionally treated others, especially those umpires whom I assign, some 80% of whom also work for other assignors (as I do as well).

Simply put, with respect to umpiring, I do what I love because I love what I do.

Plus, I think it's the ONLY thing I've been able to do right all these years.




I think it was Don's presence and not mine that irked the moron. I honestly could care less if he was thinking homophobically about me or made a comment about me--I'm used to such vitriol on the field, LOL. It was when he made the comment about someone else that I got ticked. Granted he never would have made that comment had I not opened up my mouth, but straightforward, always tell-it-like-it-is me felt that he had to say something to get this idiot to stop his incessant, annoying staring. I guess one had to be there to see the way this guy was annoyingly staring.

I think you missed the point.

It doesnt matter that your date didnt care, because as you said he wasnt aware of the homophobe in the first place.
The fact that he subsequently revealed he just wasnt in to you doesnt matter either.
It also doesnt matter that you can "pass" as non gay.

The point was that you did the right thing by standing up to the homophobe and letting him know that at least some gay men are willing to stand up for themselves. It may make him reconsider his actions if not his opinions the next time he is out.

Doing the right thing is not something you should regret or reconsider. Its all about honour and integrity.

Then why do I not feel so proud? Why do I feel as though it was all for naught? Just thinkin'. Anyway gotta run. Time to work a game.

I think you should feel very proud of yourself for doing what you did. And you know what? Not standing up for your friend may have been perceived (by others) as worse. I mean, what kind of man (or umpire) allows his dinner date (be that person a friend, a lover, or a new acquaintance) to be insulted by a perfect stranger? Now, perhaps it wasn't your smartest move to say that you would beat the crap out of the guy in public, but it's important that "they" no that gay people won't be pushed around or meekly submit to their abuse. Good for you!

I think right there you hit the spot. I've always prided myself on being an NCAA Baseball Umpire and have always carried myself with professionalism and I hope dignity. The game demands no less. It is an honor to wear that uniform and an honor to be an umpire on AND off the field. With that honor comes a sense of professionalism, dignity, respect, and more.

Thanks.

Maybe, just maybe, that's NOT your call. Sometimes fate, God, karma (whatever you want to call it), etc., has bigger plans for us...& perhaps we can't see it, yet, until it hits us right in the face or its stripped from our VERY own existence...In other words, go w/ the flow. There may be a "higher calling" for you in some other area in the sports field(s). Just sayin...

In essence, just "leave yourself open" to other options, that's all!"

As long as I'm physically and mentally capable of umpiring, I will do it. Only my retirement will end it.

Ok, but remember, one's physical & mental health (in the end) is ALSO not up to us. Again, just sayin....

Well, that's obvious. If I break my leg I can't umpire while it's healing. As I said, as long as I can physically and mentally do it, I will (I hope).

Just my advice sweetie, & I mean it in the sincerest sense, "Life throws us curve balls [to speak your language]." & why Life does, no one REALLY knows!

If life serves you lemons, make lemonade! (My favorite summertime drink.)

That's right!

...& gawd, if only we humans TRULY had unequivocal control of our lives then perhaps things would turn out in our COMPLETE favor. BUT reality says otherwise!...

Ok, maybe the answer to that is becuz, "Life has a lesson to teach us!"

...That's the only logical/humane explanation I can think of, altho IMHO, I could be wrong.

You're losing it when you start quoting yourself, you know.

Not nice!

Crew Chief, you confronted bigotry. This is always the right thing to do, even when at the time it seems wrong. If the guy you're dating is the right kind of guy, he will be with you on this.

I'm sorry how it played out in terms of your career, but that doesn't change the fact that you did the right thing.

Well, Don ended up not being the right guy, which is fine. I can live with that. That's the way it goes. I guess the very fact that he didn't turn out to be the "right guy" has kept me wondering if, in hindsight, it was the right thing to do. You have to understand why I partly feel this way.I'm sure it sounds selfish, but that part of me keeps asking myself, "Self, what did you gain out of this? What good did it do when the guy you were defending, after first appearing interested in you, later abruptly gave you the cold shoulder and changed his mind?"

Maybe cuz you're both bottoms.

That I wouldn't know, because we never discussed that. Imagine that--getting to know someone before steering toward sex. What a concept, huh?

Oh, I just wondered if the topic simply came up not necessarily some full-on action, silly man.

To answer your question, no.

Two years ago durring a pride week I was walking down the street with my date sorta away from the main area. A couple of guys walking the other way must have picked up on the way we were interacting and one of them yelled "f**king fags" and threw a Pizza crust at us (it missed).

I responded by asking them what the f**k their problem was and then informing the one that threw the pizza that someone who threw like a 12 year old girl really shouldn't be talking like that (he really did throw like a girl).

Anyway they got in our faces which was kinda odd because both guys were definately smaller than us. I was prepared to fight them if it came to that, but at that point my date pulled me away saying let it go. So I ended up walking off listening to them tell me to take the advice of my "fag boyfriend"

This incident still bothers me.

First, I was so dissapointed that my date was completely willing to let some homophobic asshats walk all over him/us like that. Second I feel like by leaving we sorta re-enforced the weak, passive gay stereotype in their eyes.

Believe me CC, by letting things go you are not doing yourself/gay people any favors.

As an umpire, I've successfully learned when to let things go, when to not let things bother me. Perhaps that's why I don't have a quick trigger finger when it comes to ejections. The exceptions on the ball field are when the personal cracks are made, or when it's "You..." or "You're..." followed by something uncomplimentary. Those will get you an EJ every time.

Off the field, I'm also one to not want to waste my time OR energy on losers, but that's generally when something is said or done to ME. I'm used to being insulted, abused, etc. Comes with the job(s). It's when a friend or relative is on the receiving end I get defensive.

Undeniably, what you did was both a good thing and the right thing. What if you said nothing and swallowed that jerk's hate. Would that have made you feel better than what you're feeling now? No, you'd be more self-punishing about staying silent and letting some homophobe insult your date in front of you.

All of our decisions have consequences. For you, the decision to speak out and defend your date may (and we can only speculate that it *may* -- we don't know for certain) have impacted your umpiring. But the benefit of what you did outweighs the negative downside. First, you defended someone who was being bullied by a yahoo. Second, you stood your ground. Third, you may have opened this homophobes eyes a bit that a gay man isn't some flimsy pansy. If nothing else, you may have caused him to think twice about being a jerk to another gay guy down the road.

Don't beat yourself up over this. You did the right thing.

What Aquaman said.

Of course you did the right thing, and the fact that this didn't have the outcome that you wanted doesn't make it the wrong thing. Ideally, your date would've responded to your courage. He didn't. But we know that he should have.

Please cut yourself some slack. You do the right thing because it's the right thing. If it has good outcomes, that's icing on the cake. But you still do it. And you did. Good for you.

And what if there was a fight and someone got seriously hurt or killed? What if one of them pulled a gun or knife, or what if someone just fell to the ground in the exact position that causes a serious brain injury or something? Sometimes discretion really is the better part of valor.

Deep down, I know I did the right thing. To do otherwise just wouldn't have been me. I've always put others' well-being ahead of mine. I don't worry about myself in these situations; rather, I'm more concerned about another's feelings. I guess I was just scratching my head about how the evening ended vis-a-vis how it began at dinner.

Well, Joe, as far as my situation was concerned, none of that would have happened, because I wasn't about to let it go there. A few harsh words were good enough. I surely am not going to deck the guy in front of people and risk getting arrested and sued. Ain't worth it.