OK, guys, I need your words of wisdom, please. I'm 46 years old and am losing hope that I will ever meet Mr. Right. Unlike some people I know, I don't have any idealized expectations or a laundry list of (often unrealistic) qualities the guy must possess. All I ask is that I be attracted to him both physically and intellectually/emotionally. I can honestly say that of the 5 men I've had serious relationships with, only one stimulated both my mind and my libido. With the others it was either/or. Am I asking for too much here? Is it possible to develop passion for someone later in the relationship?

Perhaps this thread may help.

Hadn't seen that thread before, SCTrojan. Thanks for the link.

Now, to piernudo15:

1) No, it's not too much to ask for physical and emotional attraction. If you have to choose, though, go with emotional attraction. Looks fade; personality is constant.

2) I think it's always possible to develop passion. In fact, I expect that good relationships develop various new passions over time. If you want it from the start, though, that may not be helpful, so I'd think carefully about what you really need to have in place at the start of the relationship. What's most important to you?

It's good that you don't have a laundry list of requirements. But it might be helpful to take stock of what you would like and decide which ones are negotiable and which ones aren't.

Is part of the issue where you live and the difficulty you have meeting men?

Finally: I figured out in my late 30s (I'm 47) that worrying about not having a partner--that is, worrying about the life that I didn't have--was cheating me out of the one that I did have. I"ve been a lot happier since then. Not being partnered may not be your ideal option, but it is an option, and it need not be a bad one. My two cents.

what I always say when my friends ask me the same questions is this. ....... Instead of putting it all on the other person.... "Will I ever find a guy who fulfills me physically, emotionally and intellectually?"

Why not look at yourself and ask, "Am I someone that others will connect with physically, emotionally and intellectually?"

I honestly believe that if you improve yourself, you will attract others of like mind. The other thing I stress is... get out there and DO SOMETHING. Whether that's the gym, volunteering or playing a sports league. That's the best way (I found) to meet a great guy. The only people you'll meet at a bar? Other drunks.

"Is it possible to develop passion for someone later in the relationship?"


piernudo15, sadly I say and only I, say No. I found the love of my life I am trying to work through letting him and the dream go. I will be fine and happy and I will have relationships, but I love this man with all my energy. He is average looks, akward, no money, but I would shout to the world that I am gay if he loved me the way that I want to be loved. Hell, I would be his partner in crime, I mean real crime if he asked me to.

"Am I asking for too much here?"

NO!!!! You are not asking for too much.







FEW! SCTrojan, I thought I commented on that thread!

Couldn't help but think of the following Smiths songs:

There Is A Light That Never Goes out!



Shoplifters Of The World Unite!

WOW! The funny thing is I was listening to There Is A Light That Never Goes Out, but by The Ocean Blue. I reserve this song for another man that will always be in my life.

I hope that you do understand that Morrissey's lyrics are all about tongue & cheek!

Edit:

Also, his lyrics are often metaphors. Insert, for ie, "gay people" for "shoplifters." The whole song is about being an outcast. So he uses "shoplifter" as an "outcast metaphor."

Btw, he's a HUGE Oscar Wilde fan!!!! Therefore much of his writings are witty, intelligent, challenging & shocking.

Morrissey is a genius.

And, Rob in Maine, you are too. The post "worrying about the life that I didn't have--was cheating me out of the one that I did have" is great advice.

Yes, Morrissey's a lyrical genius!

And also yes to Rob's comment. Certainly made me think!

I guess that all depends.

About a decade ago, if you'd asked me what my "type" was, I would've said tall, dark, longish hair, muscular, clean-shaven. And now, here I am, partnered. To a short, white, bald, round, bearded guy.

What happened? Did I "settle"? Did I say "Gee, ain't gettin' any younger - better find a guy who's at least willing to put up with me"?

Not at all. What happened is even simpler than that - I fell in love.

More than a decade later, I'd still rather go to bed with him than any tall muscular guy you throw up against him. Not because I tapped into some sort of "thing" for short round guys. But because it's HIM - the guy I love.

If I read your post correctly, you've given guys a fair shake. You've given them time to see if a physical attraction grows with the emotional one. And each time, it simply hasn't happened. That doesn't mean it won't happen with the next one.

LXN

Lex, I hope the hubby sees your post. It is sweet!

Thanks, guys, for all your great comments and advice. They're very helpful and insightful.
To Rob in Maine, yes, meeting men in my area has been kinda tough lately. The problem seems to be, and maybe I'm imagining this, gay men as a rule don't seem to be attracted to me. I have no problem attracting straight women (had many girlfriends before I came out), lesbians and even some straight men - but gay men seem to ignore me. I've tried online dating sites like Yahoo Personals and also the online hookup sites like Manhunt and craigslist and the results have always been the same: I send them a face photo and I never hear from them again. It's as if my photo is the kiss of death I don't know what is it is. I think I'm OK looking. Maybe I just don't fit their ideal of the latin lover.
Whatever it is, I won't give up hope. I'll keep looking and I will try some of the suggestions you guys made like volunteering and joining social groups. And if I don't find a partner, it's not the end of the word. I still have a very loving family and great friends.

The problem with online sites is that it places a TON of emphasis on looks. It ends up being about 90% your photo, and 10% how good you are selling yourself. And for those of us who aren't too great at selling ourselves, or don't look all that stunning (or, in my case, look pretty hideous), we're operating at a great disadvantage. If you DO look good in photos, or are good at writing good self-descriptions, killer - go nuts on those sites. But if you don't, I'd suggest finding a different path.

LXN

TC and SCTro., you guys are very generous.

Piernudo, if everybody else is attracted to you, then gay men are too. (I checked out your photo on your profile. They're attracted to you. Oh yes, they are.) Lexington is absolutely right -- online sites place all the emphasis on looks. This is why profiles with photos do better than those without them. I can't see the entire thread, so I can't credit the original poster, but the comment about becoming the kind of person that other people will be attracted to is worth paying attention to.

How? I think that it means putting it out there -- again, with a tip of the hat to the original poster. Volunteer for an AIDS support organization, join a reading group, play on an athletic team, get involved with a faith community. Find whatever organization suits your interests and has the kind of men who would like to meet you for the fact that you joined that group. He's out there somewhere in Tucson.

And if he's not? You've expanded your own circle, done some good, learned some things about yourself and your community. You still get rewarded.

Be committed to community(ies) for all the right reasons, without the pressure of trying to meet Mr. Right, and it won't matter if you do or not.

This is the best advice anyone can give you, Piernudo!! Listen to Rob! Don't worry about what life hands you! Get out and change it, if you don't like it.

I'm 46, too! And I share your concerns. The best chance of meeting someone is to put yourself out there!

I've never been to Tuscon, but a simple Google Search turned up this:
Gay Tuscon: Groups and Clubs
From Your Profile, It appears you like to Bike. Have you joined them?
Today's a celebration of Latin Gay Pride, Get your butt out there!

Maybe there's still hope for me yet. This weekend two, count them two, guys kept checking me out.

One was a high school band member. The other, a cop.

I would never go there with a teenager. But it certainly was flattering to be eyed, especially at my age. Anyways, I think I he looked at me more, than paid attention to his band instructor. Every time I'd look his way, he'd raise an eyebrow, while playing. Over time, I got very nervous because of his glances my way.

I attended a festival this weekend and the cop was providing security. Whenever I'd look his way, he'd look at me. I've seen him before so I kind of wonder, if he's looking at me, trying to figure where he knows me from. After a couple late nights at the club, we stop in the local IHOP, where the cop also provides security. But it's just funny, that whenever I'd walk by, he'd look my way and vice versa.

Now what should I do, should I run into them again? I will be attending more football games this year. I love sitting by the band, so I don't want to change where I sit. I'm bound to go to IHOP again too. Should I play nonchalant especially with the cop? I know I should totally ignore the kid.

Don't do anything more than be a polite, mature adult around the teenager. Compliment him on his playing, that's it. Sorry to burst your bubble, Aaron, but the kid may not have been looking at you, the way you think he was.

As for the cop, well, I may be out on a limb here...but have you ever tried saying, "Hello. My Name is_____. What's yours?" This may be thinking outside the box, but it works for most people!

'Hahaha

That's the easy part. It's the next line that's difficult.

I think my problem is that at that point I get nervous and the brain shuts off and I end up saying something like:

"hey were you just checking me out, because that would be fantastic"

or

"... so you're a cop, huh. Hows that going for you?"

Ouch. I thought you had my back. Kidding. Thanks for bursting my bubble.

Why don't you just say "hi" to him if you're interested? The worst anyone can say is nothing, then it would be proven they were a cad, and you don't want a cad, do you? See what his reaction is to saying "hi", then take it from there. Even if you follow up with something cheesy, he will have seen you are expressing an interest in him, and the ball would be in his court, so to speak. It's not easy, but it's not brain surgery!

Because he was always with another cop or a group. It would have been awkward with another person near by.

Yeah, yeah. Excuses, excuses.

I don't know 'bout that BBC. I remember being in hs & I was mostly attracted to men in their 30s & 40s so...But definitely stay away from the kid aaron. Cuz that's what he is a kid. The last thing you need is to end up in jail!

As far as the cop just start talking to THEM (if he's w/ a group). This way it doesn't come across as if you are targeting him, even tho you are. You can start by addressing them 1st by saying, "Good evening officers!" & then cont w/ casual conversation, eg, "Busy night?" Ultimately you can turn to the cop you find attractive & start talking to him. Trust me, usually cops enjoy talking to other people around them cuz they're often bored from "inactivity." So talking to other citizens helps their day go by faster & become more interesting. They'll respond to your friendliness so just cont the conversation just like any other social situation. You could always end w/, "Since I'm in this area often I'll be seeing you guys soon." This way the next time you run into him/them just "shoot the shit." W/ time you'll know if this man is truly attracted to you and if he's even gay. And for God's sakes don't forget to introduce yourself & get his/their names. This way the next time you run into him/them you can address them on a 1st name basis.

OK! Aaron, I still have your back!

Dan, Don't let your brain shut down!

SCTrojan, you're right. I remember the father of one of my friends in hs. Jeez, did he have "It."

How to Get a Date
1. Walk up to the gentleman and introduce yourself! Ex. "Hi! My name is John. What's yours?"
2. Chances are the gentleman will respond with "Hi John! My name is David."
3. If you are at a particular event, i.e. concert, exhibit, game, start talking about the event. Find some common ground.
4. As you converse, you will be able to gauge his response to you. Ask him if he came with anyone. Once this is ascertained you can either:
5. Suggest that the two of you go somewhere for a cup of coffee or a soda to continue the discussion,
OR
6. Give him your number! Ask him for his, so that you can meet again! Then:
7. Call him!

What are your interests? I guarantee you that there are other gay guys who share your interests! Don't act like a couple of freshmen or sophomores in high school. Life will pass you by. You both have balls! Use them! Don't be afraid to approach a guy. Even if you are not sure of the guy's sexuality, there is no harm in going up to someone and saying hello!

Off topic but relevant:

I thought of this thread cuz I came across this video of Noel Gallagher of Oasis (a band which I LOVE btw) giving his opinion about The Smiths, Morrissey & Johnny Marr in particular.

...Ok, back to topic.

...one more musical reference..."Million Dollar Bill" from Whitney Houston is on right now...makes me think...and wonder.

Stop trying so hard. Just be yourself. Everybody has a certain animal magnetism. Let yours show for them.