Hey guys:
Sooo....here's the problem. My partner and I have been together 4 years - both had other long term relationships prior to our finding each other. Basically everything has been great - we really haven't had any issues in bed, life, family..etc. We both are what you would call 'jealous' and there has been an unspoken agreement that we do not 'share' with others.

A couple months ago I was using one of our computers (shared) and thought I was clicking on a video of one of our dogs at the beach. It was a vid of my partner strokin one out and at the end saying 'there ya go Mikey' -which is the name of one his exes that he constantly talks about and is in touch with (it was really sexy and I wasn't that concerned..hell I vid jo with guys all the time whatever).

Sooo....yeah I'm a voyeur and I sort get off on knowing what he's looking at as far as porn on the net is concerned etc...so while he was away this week I opened Safari on the computer and began to browse his 'history' pages of sites he had visited recently. No problem - then 5 minutes in a saved message between this guy and him comes up talking about what the rendezvous they are setting up. And then there's one right after that from a guy asking D.(my bf) if he is interested in having a 3 way with this guy he found online. My partner answered that he definitely would be interested in making both of these happen. As you can imagine I was hurt, surprised etc..blah blah...then I also found google map directions to a residential address to someone's apartment - hmmm....do I need a road map that bad??? LITERALLY???


Now I'm freaking out so I decide to do something I have never done - I got his password to dudesnude and checked up on him.....found the emails to the guy he met from the google map and read things like "REALLlY enjoyed f%$$%^in you the other day! Up for another time? Free for dinner next week?" So now it's on like donkey kong - I'm so freakin pissed and read all of his mail there...

I'm not a control freak and I know we are all freakin horny and men and hell I've jerked off with a couple of guys since we've been together but these aren't even hook ups these are like DATES!!

My problem is that I'm so hesitant to bring it up with him??? what the f**k is wrong with me? Should I feel bad about reading his mail even though I've caught him dead to rights? Also - I don't want our relationship to end but how should I proceed without him playing the 'you violated my privacy' card?? Doesn't my info on his cheatin ass trump his privacy issue??

HELP!!!!

First of all, hacking into another person's email can be a crime under the Electronic Communications Privacy Act. However, if he'd given you his passwords or if he'd left them in an unprotected file on your shared computer, it may be more difficult for him to claim he had an expectation of privacy. And no, the ends don't justify the means, although I would really want to know, too.

Secondly, dump his ass. The guy's dirt. And get tested.

Geez I wish I had some really good answers for you.

Ignore the fact that you violated his privacy. Yes you did, but that itself isn't the burning issue right now, though it is part of a larger issue. Trust. You both violated it, but your violation is certainly lesser than his. But who betrayed whom the most really isn't at issue. This isn't divorce court on TV. You don't have to show clean hands or that he is more culpable. Don't be so rational (see the last paragraph).

It isn't a question of what or how you are going to bring this up. Right now it is a question of what is in your future?

For the sake of your relationship, do you ignore it? Poor choice in the long run, but is usually the path of least resistance.

If you don't ignore it, then you have two options. First, have your own affair. Again poor choice IMO, but again you don't have to adress the betrayal (yours and his) and you can pretend that you have some self respect (though it is false self-respect). Second is confrontation.

Are there really any acceptable excuses? "Soory my penis just fell into that other guy's ass." I don't think so. IMO confrontation serves only the prupose of psychological closure. It is important to do, but only as a means to explain why you are ending the relationship. You'd be doing it for yourself, not him.

I understand that you don't want the relationship to end, but it looks like it is already over. My guess is that you are handling the end of this relationship like you would a death. You are in denial. The tone of your post shows that you are afraid, which I can understand. But its over. If he really cared about you he wouldn't be making arrangements to see other people. You are right, these look like dates. You know what that means? It means that the relationship is over for him and it should be for you too.

Lastly, one thing more of concern. The one thing that is missing from your post is rage. You said that you were hurt and you look like you are confused (both of which are good). But I don't see the rage that I should see from you. To remain emotionally healthy you need to express all of your emotions, including rage. When you confront him, don't be afraid to yell and scream (maybe even throw a few non dangerous items across the room, just not at him). This is not a time to be calm cool and collected. You are a spurned lover, act like one, just don't hurt anyone.

Yes...it should be on like donkey kong. F**k privacy. You had your reasons to start snooping and I'd throw the fact in his face that his extra curricular activities are a health issue for you because you don't know who he's hooking up with. Now I'm one who doesn't believe that monogamy is natural. My boyfriend and I have been together for several years and I'm no fool. He's fine and loves sex. I told him from the beginning that if he's going to step out to make sure he wraps it up. So thats the conversation I think you need to have with him since you said you don't want to end the relationship. I'd confront him with what I know and since BOTH of you like to do a little freaky sneaky outside of the relationship, tell him that he better be putting a jimmy hat on if he's sexin anybody down.

Everyone has said pretty much what I felt about this thread. The only thing I have to add, do you REALLY think you have a reason or self righteous justification to be angry and complain to him about his cheating considering you've done the same? Cheating is cheating whether it's a one-time jo session or making hook up dates. Just sayin...

SCTrojan makes a good point, which is why I said to tell him to just have the conversation with him that he wrap it up, since both of them like to do some freaky sneaky outside of the relationship, AND the fact that the OP doesn't necessarily want to end the relationship. That says to me that one can deal with the open relationship.

I don't think that an open relationship is an option for them considering that he said that they're the jealous types. Attempting an open relationship w/ jealousy as an issue is the perfect recipe for disaster.

"there has been an unspoken agreement that we do not 'share' with others."

THAT is the source of the problem. Sometimes it takes an episode like this one to force the conversation that should have taken place at some point before you commited as a couple.
If you had agreed that it was going to be monogamy all the way, then you've now got a good reason to be angry.
If, on the other hand, no ground rules were ever agreed upon, it's up to you as to whether you want to establish rules now.
If all the other aspects of your relationship are going well for both of you, I hope you'll be able to work things out amicably and satisfactorily.

Before my lover of 29 years and I moved in together, we had that conversation. It wasn't an easy conversation, but we both learned where each other stood. And most importantly, we agreed upon an arrangement that worked for us. I think every gay couple comes to a different arrangement about outside sex; there is no one Right Way. It's what works for each particular couple that counts. [And you may find that you need to have multiple conversations over the years!! ]

Good luck.

SFDutch

Excellent post SFDutch!

...But the BIG question NOW is: "Can we get over our jealousy, have an open relationship, & still be happy as a couple @ this pt?"

I personally can't ever see myself doing the open relationship thing. I don't want you crawling back in bed with me after you been runnin up in someone, or vice versa. Then you tryin to come spoon me. No. So I always say wrap it up if you going to step out, because if I catch anything I'm callin up some of my old New Jersey friends to tell them to make cement shoes.

ROTFLMAO!!!

You go boy!

I agree with everyone else. You can't really get mad if you didn't talk about outside guys and you jacked off with some other dudes. If you said that to me, as your bf my response would be - so you were naked and jacking off and nobody ended up with a dick in their mouth? And everyone there is a cocksucker??? I would totally not believe you. So to me you're just as "bad" as your man. If you're both the jealous type why would you risk him finding out you jerked with another guy, tracking you down, and beating you both up? So in a sense all you are doing is being your bf catching you. I say get over yourself and decide whether you both want to stop being liars living an open secret or if you want an honest relationship. Actually talking about other dudes can even be hot when discussed correctly. And I don't think you're ever too old to learn new techniques from a trick.

HIV.HPV.STD. are a different conversation. If he isn't being safe...it's worth the talk. But if you tell him you read his email he'll probably break up with you. I'd break up with you because I'd think you were Glen Close crazy. Maybe you tell him that you can tell he's been f**king around because he doesn't have the same amount of cum lately or his dick isn't as big. (The size does fluctuate depending on how recent the nut...) Or say you have a feeling something is going on. Just a thought.

Lastly, don't go looking for trouble next time. I never understood why chicks go through pockets and all of that stuff. If you are getting dicked right, having fun, enjoy each other with family, why go searching out drama? You put in a lot of effort to do this and the more I think about it, the more you kind of sound like you like drama. Maybe you don't. But acting like Inspector Gadget at the end of the day will never keep your man. He will be with you because he wants to. I've not so proudly been a cheater in the past and it had nothing to do with my boyfriend at the time. I was safe, had fun, and even f**ked dudes who weren't hot because I was traveling and just needed to bust a nut and not feel a threat to my relationship.

I love the blunt honesty of that post jay. LOL @ Glenn Close crazy!! I'm gonna have to use that one in the future. But its so funny you mention that thing about not having as much cum lately. I know someone who works at a crisis hotline, and he said he recently got a call from a guy who said he was having trouble in his relationship with his fiance because of his recent sexual performance with her. He said she thought he was cheating because apparently he cums a lot, and on this particular occasion he only had a couple drops come out. But he said he was goin through a lot of stress. So my friend told him that mental stress can affect sexual performance and even ejaculation. My friend said he didn't really know if thats true, but it sounded good at the time. Well how about this guy put his ghetto girlfriend on speaker and was like "can you explain this to her" and she gets on all Shaneequaish in not understanding how it goes from a lot of cum to two drops. LOL...what a mess.

P.S. though. I'd be pissed if only 2 drops came out myself cuz I like shooters...like Peter North shooters. I'd look at that and be like wtf is this. 2 drops?!! Ungh ungh!!

Mary Palm!...That BEOTCH!

PREACH! I totally co-sign on that. Stop snooping, and stop being pissed that he's sleeping around. Remember, you do the same thing. Also, it doesn't matter where he stops for a snack, as long as he comes home for dinner. And remember, you are dinner!

There's a reason they say that snacks before dinner ruin your appetite. I'm not down with that if its not understood its an open relationship. Shyyyt...don't be stoppin at Starvin Marvin's on the way home to get a little filler before you come home to the main course.

TMI, TMI! LOL Though I must agree with you.

OK, fasten your seatbelts. Brevity is not one of my strong suits.

I agree with a lot of the thoughts on here. First I'm going to say a few things, then I'll actually (try to) give you some of the advice you asked for.

1.) First of all, you have an "unspoken" agreement. That's not really an agreement. This isn't contract law with implied agreements.

2.) You don't share, yet you have jerked off with guys? Ummmm... pot, calling kettle... Does that mean if he had a blowjob that's not as bad as f**king? Or, you don't want him to be with other guys, but it's OK for you to jerk off with other guys?

3.) It could happen anywhere... it used to be in bars. But having profiles on these hookup sites is just asking for trouble. It just makes it that much easier, and that much more tempting. I appreciate that you know that he's on these sites, but is that really what you want?

4.) You're both the jealous types... yet you allow each other to have these profiles on hookup sites? You should be in a permanent state of jealousy and suspicion.

5.) Whatever works for you as a couple, great. But you have to set the ground rules. Have a conversation and SPOKEN agreement. Do it in writing if you want.

6.) Dates are having dinner and a movie. Arranging a hookup is not a date. And really, does it matter whether they were prearranged or "spontaneous?" Cheating is cheating.

7.) Why the hesitation? Because you don't want to confront him? Well, would you rather live with this eating at you all the time. Or is it because you'll have to explain how you found out, and you feel guilty about it. Or are you afraid that when confronted he will get mad at you. Well, ummmm, yeah, probably. But sometimes you have to piss off your significant other... you can't avoid it. Or are you hesitant because you feel guilty that you also violated the "unspoken agreement?" No one is saying this will be an easy conversation to have, or to start. But if it's bothering you this much, unless you think you can get over it and forget/forgive (and assume it's going to happen again), you have to bring it up.

8.) What do YOU want? To dump his ass? Then do it. Do you want to stay together? Decide if you can live with this arrangement, or decide what you can live with. Then bring it up to him, and come to an agreement. If you can't... well that should be your answer. That doesn't mean it's easy. In fact, sometimes the right thing to do is the hardest. If you really love someone, to realize that you just can't make the relationship work, is one of the hardest things. You'll probably try to hang on as long as you can. Understandable. But there's comes a point...

As for how you bring it up. Well, pussyfooting around isn't going to work Tell him that you need to have a conversation about something, and it's very important. If you can have it then, fine, otherwise set up a time. But he'll probably be wondering what it's all about and try to get it out of you. So better to mention it when you know you'll have the time and privacy to talk. Maybe start out by telling him that you found about something that has been bothering you, and you felt it's important to discuss. You may have to acknowledge that this is something you should have talked about before. So you've set the stage without dragging it out. Then you might tell him you know that he's been having sex with other guys. I wouldn't volunteer how you know, unless 1.) he asks, or 2.) he denies it. The other option is to flat out ask him if he's been having sex with other people. He may assume he's been busted and cop to it. It depends on how he feels about it. So now you've got it out in the open. You may then want to want to discuss what each of thinks is acceptable in the relationship (not necessarily what has already happened), and perhaps even what you thought you had agreed to, or what your understanding was. If going forward you're not going to have sex outside the relationship, then you should discuss the online profiles, etc. Don't let him change the subject... he may try to make this about you snooping instead. He's just manipulating the situation. Tell him you'll talk about that next, but first things first.

Once you get it out in the open, even if you're pissed/feeling betrayed, etc. you should at least feel better just to get it out and not sit and stew on it privately. The conversation may go fairly smoothly (if you're lucky), but be prepared for it to go downhill. You may not even finish the conversation. I don't know either of you, I don't know what his reaction will be. Also... do your best to remain calm. Don't come at him and attack him. Don't raise your voice. Don't be catty and sarcastic. You have to try and stay as level headed as possible. As it is, you're putting him on the hot seat and making him either defend himself, or cop to doing something he shouldn't have. He's already going to be on the defensive most likely, so don't compound it with how to speak to him. Be prepared to tell him what you want. Make sure you've thought it through. And, as hard as is may be, be prepared to tell him that if you can't come to an agreement, you are prepared to leave the relationship. Don't use it as a threat (this is where tone, etc. can come into play), but just stating what the different options are.

It doesn't sound to me like you want to dump his ass for cheating... or you would have done so already and not looked back. So, in my mind, you are already indicating a willingness to eventually forgive and move forward. Fine. But understand that nothing is solved if you don't come to an agreement moving forward. And, much as it may be tempting, try not to use this against him every time he does something in the future that you don't like. It doesn't mean forget, it doesn't mean it's never appropriate to bring up. But most of the time it just brings up bad feelings on both sides. Focus on what the present and the future, not the past. Otherwise you will both end up resenting each other... you for him doing this (and constantly reminding yourself about it), and him for you agreeing to move forward but never letting him forget what he did at every turn.

Hope that helps... I can't say the advice is perfect. But if you want my opinion, that's my two cents.

This.

Oh. My. God. I see this as two guys who are enjoying their relationship, and who both know that the other eats between meals and have been fine with it. In other words, it ain't broke so don't fix it. Unfortunately, one person snooped and saw in black and white what he always knew, and now he's stewing. Well, that's what happens when you snoop. With all due respect, PS, if I were on this receiving end of all this drama coming from my partner I'd just tune out by the third sentence, wait for him to finish, and then just say "buh-bye." Then I'd pack exit stage left immediately, and change my phone number and e-mail address. Why on Earth would an adult who's done nothing wrong want to deal with this kind of drama?

There's nothing more to be said, that hasn't been said already. But your relationship, sorry to say, doesn't look like it's going to last much longer! As you wrote, it looks as if he's having dates with the other guy. And you are jealous of that. End the relationship now. It's not doing you any good to remain in it!

Next time, build a relationship on trust, no matter whether you have an understanding or not! You do not trust this guy. And you don't respect him.

And also, if you build a relationship on trust, there's no need to snoop. You're asking for trouble, if you do!

I'm pretty sure that you want an exclusive relationship. You're not getting it now with this guy. Sit down with him and have an honest discussion...where the two of you lay out your priorities. Are you each other's priority? If you're not, move on.

If I were in your shoes, I'd end the relationship. Both of you are looking for something else!

Oh, I don't know... love? Not everyone is a cut and run kind of person. My ex was always ready to run at the first sign of trouble. He's still that way in relationships, and that is how some people are. Other people try to work through the rough spots, and don't give up on something/someone when there's "some drama." If this guy was cut and run, we would have run already. His partner on the other hand, who knows? If he's cut and run, then you're right. If he's not, he's going to try to work through it, try to defend himself, or at least try to deflect blame. In any of those last three, he's not looking to get out of the relationship. That's all.

I hear what you're saying, but the original situation described here doesn't sound like a love relationship, and the confrontation you propose would just strike me as incredibly overwrought emotional neediness rather than something that someone should expend any effort trying to salvage. Obviously, different people see things differently. Translation: you and I could never date.

LOL We could... it just probably would never work. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. Hell, I don't even think I got the t-shirt.