OK, although not completely true, it's exactly how I feel. I am 50, but not a virgin.

I just ended a 24+ year relationship 3 months ago and now I feel like I'm coming out all over again complete with the same angst and excitement I experienced almost 30 years ago. I've been around here for quite a few years and many of you know me to be opinionated and more than willing to give advice (and to be mostly blunt and straight to the point). I feel like I'm in somewhat of a unique position and not sure if people here can relate, but I'm hoping that will not be the case. In fact, I'm counting on it.

Maybe as time goes by I will be able to reveal more details of the breakup and answer questions you may have about it, but for now I'll share what I can about my situation. As with most breakups (even though I inititated it), the stress and emotional ups and downs have taken a toll on me. I have lost a lot of weight which is a blessing and a curse. I look great, but having to spend money on clothes and really would like to gain 10 to 15 pounds. Something I haven't been able to say since my twenties.

So you can understand where I'm coming from, I need to share a quick background. I am a pretty shy person. I did not come out or have sex with another man until I was 21. I stayed in an almost 4 year relationship with that first man. We never dated, just moved in together during college within a matter of weeks. I met my second partner soon after and we dated for about 4 months before moving in together....for the next 24 years. So basically, I have no real dating experience and certainly none in today's world. I can count the number of men I've been with on one hand (my two relationships and a couple of three ways during the first one).

I'm lucky that I look younger than my age and I certainly feel younger. I play in a gay sports league, so I have met and cultivated a lot of friendships. I'm in no rush to be in another long-term relationship, mainly because common sense tells me to take it very slow. Right now, I don't even think it should be a consideration for at least a year and then I'll re-evaluate.

But I do want companionship and I still want to be able to do the things I've enjoyed doing like going out to dinner and shows, but not alone. I've hardly been in gay bars for the past two decades. I've never had to buy a box of condoms. I have never had a random hookup. I've only been with, or dated men that I already knew, or knew friends of their's, so I'm apprehensive about a lot of things right now. To top it off, the past three years of my relationship were basically sexless. Sex is a distant memory for me.

I'm not sure what advice I'm asking for because I know the answer to finding men to date is about the same for me as anyone else that gets on this discussion board and asks for tips. What I have realized recently about myself is that I'm having a very difficult time imagining myself having sex with another man after all these years. I'm finding I'm just as scared about it as I was when I was 21, only there's a lot more to be scared about than back then.

I WANT to have sex and I've had offers (for example on GrindR), but haven't had the guts to go through with it. I thought my life was set in stone and now at age 50, I find it has been turned upside down.

I feel like I'm rambling here, so I'll just stop and ask if there anyone out there that can relate or been through something similiar?

At this point, I'll take your suggestions for favorite condoms and why.

I don't really have any good advice but I wish you all the luck in the world. Not many relationships last 24 years so I can imagine that ending it was not an easy decision.

HornFan:

I am sorry about the breakup. I cannot imagine what you are going through, and I'm not going to offer pat answers.

You're taking the right steps already. Though you may feel like a virgin, you have plenty to offer people in the way of experience. Most importantly, you have a great deal to offer as a caring and loving man. You devoted your life and gave your entire being to another man for a great chunk of time. That takes kindness, understanding, patience, and a great deal of heart. That is your advantage in any relationship into which you might enter from now on. It's what you have to offer. Don't worry about opening your heart again. And don't sweat the little stuff...it's like riding a bike. Though we may have learned to ride one years ago, wearing a helmet now does not take away from the pleasure!

Hey, thanks for the caring responses. It was an agonizing decision that required a lot of thought, reflection and soul searching. The two months post-breakup were the most difficult period in my entire life. A lot of really bad stuff happened during that time....some related to the breakup and some totally out of the blue. I certainly came out of it a much stronger person having all those trying experiences in such a short amount of time.

I already have a lot of milestones under my belt (which I am told I should be thankful). I had my 50th Birthday (went to Vegas and let Bette Midler make it all better), and I made it through Thanksgiving, his Birthday, Christmas and New Year's. I've only had the house to myself for 4 weeks (I stayed with various friends until he moved out), so I have only truly felt single for about 4 weeks.

I am very thankful that I got to keep my home, furniture and the dogs which is quite a comfort. It cost me a lot of money, but a second chance at happiness seems priceless to me at this point in my life.