From AP reports
Los Angeles, CA

On Monday more than one million fans mourned the death of John Q. Hollywood outside the Church of Scientology, where funeral services were held. The streets surrounding the Church were clogged with sad, tearful people, bringing Los Angeles to a grinding halt as the hearse and entourage delivered the casket.

Hollywood, 103, died last Friday after a long battle with numerous complications. The Los Angeles coroner’s office cited Hollywood’s death as a result of several key factors. “The pending release of Herbie, and the ongoing struggles with the latest Star Wars movie were exasperated by other factors, such as the new Batman sequel and the flop of the Mr. and Ms. Smith movie,” said LA Coroner Phil Zuckerman.

In recent year’s Hollywood nearly succumbed to other ailments. Media coverage was intense during periods when other major movie meltdowns nearly brought Hollywood down. “Battlefield Earth almost killed my grandfather years ago. It was a close call, but there were other periods that brought the family closer together,” said Mortimer J. Hollywood. “The Charlie’s Angels series was a tough time for all of us. And I still have many painful memories of the near-death spells granddad experienced whenever Wil Smith made a movie.”

The activist watchdog group, Stop the Killing, announced a re-newed effort to close the movie business down for good. “Look at the tragedy of this situation,” said STK co-founder Sylvia DeSylvia.
“Yes, Hollywood was very old. But that’s excuse making. Bad movies kill, and we may never know how many others have been killed by misguided, unimaginative garbage the movie industry continues to force upon the world. And that’s not even counting how many hours each person loses while on this earth which would be better served than sitting through Scooby Doo, or anything starring Freddie Prinze Jr.”

California Governor Arnold Schwarzeneggar delivered part of the eulogy, praising Hollywood for giving him a start that help launched his now failed political career. “Mr. Hollywood was the man responsible for the phrase ‘I’ll be back.’ I will remain thankful to him for this catch phrase. Although I now, sadly, must admit that Mr. Hollywood will not be back. Ha ha! Oh, that’s funny.”