Tina Fey: "Next month, a flawless $10 million diamond the size of a walnut will go on auction at Sotherby's and just in time -- Kobe Bryant's wife has a birthday coming up.
Rush Limbaugh resigned from his job on ESPN's sunday NFL Countdown after racially charged remarks about Philadelphia Eagles Quarterback Donovan McNabb, saying that McNabb was given too much credit for his performance because he was black. Finally, someone has the guts to say what the liberal media doesn't want you to know: Black people are not good at sports."
Conan: This is the latest on the big Yankee/Red Sox rivalry. Massachusetts Senator Ted Kennedy and New York Senator Chuck Schumer made a bet and this is the bet: the loser has to wear the other team's hat. Senator Kennedy isn't worried because they'll never find a hat to fit his giant head.
It's been reported that several members of the Miami Dolphins have caught staph infections from the hot tub in their locker room. Reportedly, the New York Jets are jealous because they haven't caught anything all year.
Yesterday New York lawmakers passed a new bill that will fine non-athletes $5,000 for going onto the field during pro-sporting events. As a result, the first people expected to be fined are the New York Jets.
According to a new poll, only 13 percent of people surveyed say that baseball is their favorite sport. Not surprising, the poll was taken in the Mets dugout."
Jon Stewart: "We can get back to what's really important, the baseball playoffs. If you have any heart. If you're any kind of fan with any sense of history. If you have any compassion in you as a person at all, you have to be rooting for the Marlins. These young kids have been slugging it out since 1992 as a team. And in that time, they've only won one World Series and that gets to me.
Letterman: "Earlier tonight was game four of the American League smackdown. Pedro Martinez threw out the first punch. At one point it got so crazy that Ted Williams' head rolled onto the field.
I'm worried about the Red Sox, because you know they could blow their chance at blowing it"
Craig Kilborn: "Over the weekend, during a charity softball game, I got into a fight with Wilford Brimley. Did you see the Yankee-Red Sox game? More good news today, Pedro Martinez beat up Andy Rooney."
Leno: "President Bush wants to increase the number of Cubans allowed into the U.S. and wants to help them find safer routes to enter the country. I believe the first two routes are the American League and the National League.
Rush Limbaugh has resigned from ESPN as a football commentator over racially insensitive remarks about Quarterback Donovan McNabb. At first he said he wouldn't back down, and then he quit. See, Cubs Manager Dusty Baker was right: these white guys can't take the heat.
Less than a week and the election will be over, the recall behind us. The most embarrassing thing about California once again will be the San Diego Chargers."
Full Version: Late night sports jokes
Leno: "I felt sorry for that Cubs fan that they're blaming the whole thing on. Isn't it stupid they are threatening this guy? Nine millionaires give up 17 runs in two games and they blame the fan. That's like Gray Davis blaming the recall on Gary Coleman.
Do you know who sent condolences to the Cubs? Al Gore. He said he knows what it is like to get screwed by Florida.
Security took the guy because people wanted to kill him. In fact, he didn't want to give his own identity although today in court, Kobe's attorney said his name six times.
Kobe's attorneys are on the attack. They said the DNA sample found on the girls underwear wasn't Kobe's. They said it was from a white guy. So, chances are it wasn't even an NBA player."
Letterman: "Angela Lansbury is 78 years old today, and as a special treat, Pedro Martinez threw her to the ground.
According to rumors, Saddam Hussein is being hidden by his relatives in his home town, no wait a minute, that is that Chicago Cubs fan."
Do you know who sent condolences to the Cubs? Al Gore. He said he knows what it is like to get screwed by Florida.
Security took the guy because people wanted to kill him. In fact, he didn't want to give his own identity although today in court, Kobe's attorney said his name six times.
Kobe's attorneys are on the attack. They said the DNA sample found on the girls underwear wasn't Kobe's. They said it was from a white guy. So, chances are it wasn't even an NBA player."
Letterman: "Angela Lansbury is 78 years old today, and as a special treat, Pedro Martinez threw her to the ground.
According to rumors, Saddam Hussein is being hidden by his relatives in his home town, no wait a minute, that is that Chicago Cubs fan."
Good thread. Now I don't have to stay up late watching these shows. 
Reviving an old thread:
Letterman: "Baseball is back. Already, the Mets are 18 games out.
O.J. Simpson has been charged for stealing TV signals. Here's the lesson you can learn from this: you can murder your wife but don't mess with Direct TV."
Conan O'Brien: "Summer Olympics coming up. People are getting excited. It's been reported that Greece, where they are holding the Olympics, may not get to finish building all the event sites needed. As a result, this year's triatholon combines running, swimming and pouring concrete.
Leno: "Condoleezza Rice testifies tomorrow before the 9/11 commission. Did you know Condoleezza Rice is a huge Cleveland Browns fan? No wonder she thought going to Iraq was such a good idea. She's a big fan of lost causes.
Condoleezza Rice gave her big testimony yesterday before the 9/11 commission. She said one of her big ambitions in life is to become the commissioner of the National Football League. And yesterday she demonstrated her ability to perform the end around, the double reverse and the prevent defense.
Do you like the March Madness? Here's how it works: First you start out with 65, and then one by one, people are sent home until there's only one left. No -- I'm sorry, that's our coalition in Iraq."
Tina Fey: "Direct TV has filed suit against O.J. Simpson accusing him of pirating its satellite television signal. In an unrelated story, Direct TV has been stabbed to death."
Craig Kilborn: "Over the weekend, the Philadelphia Phillies' Veteran Stadium was blown-up. It was demolished. Fans were crying -- because they found out the Phillies weren't in there."
[ April 13, 2004, 09:39 AM: Message edited by: DCBucky ]
Letterman: "Baseball is back. Already, the Mets are 18 games out.
O.J. Simpson has been charged for stealing TV signals. Here's the lesson you can learn from this: you can murder your wife but don't mess with Direct TV."
Conan O'Brien: "Summer Olympics coming up. People are getting excited. It's been reported that Greece, where they are holding the Olympics, may not get to finish building all the event sites needed. As a result, this year's triatholon combines running, swimming and pouring concrete.
Leno: "Condoleezza Rice testifies tomorrow before the 9/11 commission. Did you know Condoleezza Rice is a huge Cleveland Browns fan? No wonder she thought going to Iraq was such a good idea. She's a big fan of lost causes.
Condoleezza Rice gave her big testimony yesterday before the 9/11 commission. She said one of her big ambitions in life is to become the commissioner of the National Football League. And yesterday she demonstrated her ability to perform the end around, the double reverse and the prevent defense.
Do you like the March Madness? Here's how it works: First you start out with 65, and then one by one, people are sent home until there's only one left. No -- I'm sorry, that's our coalition in Iraq."
Tina Fey: "Direct TV has filed suit against O.J. Simpson accusing him of pirating its satellite television signal. In an unrelated story, Direct TV has been stabbed to death."
Craig Kilborn: "Over the weekend, the Philadelphia Phillies' Veteran Stadium was blown-up. It was demolished. Fans were crying -- because they found out the Phillies weren't in there."
[ April 13, 2004, 09:39 AM: Message edited by: DCBucky ]
Letterman's Top Ten Signs a Baseball Player is Using Steroids
10. This year he broke the home run record, last year he was a cellist.
9. Only signs autographs in exchange for clean urine sample.
8. Requests salary be paid in Balco gift certificates.
7. That guy who looks like the Phillie Phanatic is actually your shortstop.
6. Whenever team wins, dumps tub of Creatine on manager.
5. Exhibits erratic behavior like chewing on foul pole.
4. Can spit Sunflower seeds 95 miles per hour.
3. Rush Limbaugh points at him and says, "That dude's messed up."
2. George Steinbrenner is scared of him.
1. Makes Schwarzenegger look like Carrot Top.
[Note to Letterman's writing team: we wanna laugh -- those aren't too funny]
And a few more (a bit old):
Conan O'Brien: "ABC's 'The Bachelor' will feature the backup quarterback of the New York Giants. Yeah, isn't that weird? The producers say they were going to pick the Giants' first-string quarterback, but he's already starring in 'The Bachelorette.' "
Jimmy Kimmel: "People Magazine says the next 'Bachelor' is gonna be a guy named Jesse Palmer, who is a backup quarterback for the New York Giants. Because, you know, quarterbacks have a lot of trouble getting girls.
If you're gonna pick an athlete for 'The Bachelor,' couldn't it have been Shawn Kemp or Evander Holyfield? Somebody capable of getting them all pregnant. That would be a show I'd watch."
10. This year he broke the home run record, last year he was a cellist.
9. Only signs autographs in exchange for clean urine sample.
8. Requests salary be paid in Balco gift certificates.
7. That guy who looks like the Phillie Phanatic is actually your shortstop.
6. Whenever team wins, dumps tub of Creatine on manager.
5. Exhibits erratic behavior like chewing on foul pole.
4. Can spit Sunflower seeds 95 miles per hour.
3. Rush Limbaugh points at him and says, "That dude's messed up."
2. George Steinbrenner is scared of him.
1. Makes Schwarzenegger look like Carrot Top.
[Note to Letterman's writing team: we wanna laugh -- those aren't too funny]
And a few more (a bit old):
Conan O'Brien: "ABC's 'The Bachelor' will feature the backup quarterback of the New York Giants. Yeah, isn't that weird? The producers say they were going to pick the Giants' first-string quarterback, but he's already starring in 'The Bachelorette.' "
Jimmy Kimmel: "People Magazine says the next 'Bachelor' is gonna be a guy named Jesse Palmer, who is a backup quarterback for the New York Giants. Because, you know, quarterbacks have a lot of trouble getting girls.
If you're gonna pick an athlete for 'The Bachelor,' couldn't it have been Shawn Kemp or Evander Holyfield? Somebody capable of getting them all pregnant. That would be a show I'd watch."
Leno: "This is a great time to be a sports fan in Detroit. The Pistons are playing well, the Tigers are playing well, and the Lions aren't playing at all.
Kobe Bryant got a technical foul last night. But he says he didn't foul the guy, he says it was consensual.
I thought this was a nice gesture. Jennifer Lopez said if the Lakers don't win tomorrow, she'll give every player one of her rings.
Yesterday was a huge night for guys. You had the NBA Finals and the Tony Awards. Thank God for Tivo! The Lakers only scored 75 points. Detroit's defense was so good, Kobe tried to hire them as his attorneys. So, the bad news is, looking shaky going for ring four. But the good news is Jennifer Lopez got ring number three."
Conan: "Dallas Cowboys coach Bill Parcells apologized for making insensitive remarks about Japanese people. In his remarks, Parcells said he's going to stop making insensitive remarks and start focusing on beating the Redskins."
"NBC announced that during the Summer Olympics, they're actually going to air over 1,200 hours of footage. What's amazing, is that's almost 10 hours more than the Reagan funeral."
Craig Kilborn: "I'm eating in a trendy Los Angeles restaurant the other night and I start choking. Jack Nicholson walks up and makes me an honorary Laker.
Letterman: "Katie Couric of the 'Today' show interviewed O.J. Simpson, and apparently it went very well. I mean, she's still alive. O.J. is working on his own reality show. It's going to be a lot like the MTV show Punk'd . I believe this one's going to be called Stabbed."
"O.J. Simpson is doing a lot of interviews this week. I think it's a mistake. With all the interviews he's doing, it's going to take him even longer to find the real killer."
Top Ten Signs a Baseball Player is Using Steroids
10. This year he broke the home run record, last year he was a cellist.
9. Only signs autographs in exchange for clean urine sample.
8. Requests salary be paid in Balco gift certificates.
7. That guy who looks like the Phillie Phanatic is actually your shortstop.
6. Whenever team wins, dumps tub of Creatine on manager.
5. Exhibits erratic behavior like chewing on foul pole.
4. Can spit sunflower seeds 95 miles per hour.
3. Rush Limbaugh points at him and says, "That dude's messed up."
2. George Steinbrenner is scared of him.
1. Makes Schwarzenegger look like Carrot Top.
Top Ten Signs Your Team is not Going to Win the NBA Finals
(As read by NBA players)
10. Owner won't pay for team to travel to away games.
9. Coach used a timeout to go get Spike Lee's autograph.
8. Your teammate spends whole game guarding the ref.
7. Power forward has been out two months with the hiccups.
6. During the season, you lost to the Lakers and the Laker Girls.
5. Your team logo is a guy asleep in a hammock.
4. Much of the 24 seconds is spent on uncontrollable sobbing.
3. No one can dunk without using a stepladder.
2. Your best player is named Shaquille Wasserstein.
1. Many nights you have more groin pulls than points.
Kobe Bryant got a technical foul last night. But he says he didn't foul the guy, he says it was consensual.
I thought this was a nice gesture. Jennifer Lopez said if the Lakers don't win tomorrow, she'll give every player one of her rings.
Yesterday was a huge night for guys. You had the NBA Finals and the Tony Awards. Thank God for Tivo! The Lakers only scored 75 points. Detroit's defense was so good, Kobe tried to hire them as his attorneys. So, the bad news is, looking shaky going for ring four. But the good news is Jennifer Lopez got ring number three."
Conan: "Dallas Cowboys coach Bill Parcells apologized for making insensitive remarks about Japanese people. In his remarks, Parcells said he's going to stop making insensitive remarks and start focusing on beating the Redskins."
"NBC announced that during the Summer Olympics, they're actually going to air over 1,200 hours of footage. What's amazing, is that's almost 10 hours more than the Reagan funeral."
Craig Kilborn: "I'm eating in a trendy Los Angeles restaurant the other night and I start choking. Jack Nicholson walks up and makes me an honorary Laker.
Letterman: "Katie Couric of the 'Today' show interviewed O.J. Simpson, and apparently it went very well. I mean, she's still alive. O.J. is working on his own reality show. It's going to be a lot like the MTV show Punk'd . I believe this one's going to be called Stabbed."
"O.J. Simpson is doing a lot of interviews this week. I think it's a mistake. With all the interviews he's doing, it's going to take him even longer to find the real killer."
Top Ten Signs a Baseball Player is Using Steroids
10. This year he broke the home run record, last year he was a cellist.
9. Only signs autographs in exchange for clean urine sample.
8. Requests salary be paid in Balco gift certificates.
7. That guy who looks like the Phillie Phanatic is actually your shortstop.
6. Whenever team wins, dumps tub of Creatine on manager.
5. Exhibits erratic behavior like chewing on foul pole.
4. Can spit sunflower seeds 95 miles per hour.
3. Rush Limbaugh points at him and says, "That dude's messed up."
2. George Steinbrenner is scared of him.
1. Makes Schwarzenegger look like Carrot Top.
Top Ten Signs Your Team is not Going to Win the NBA Finals
(As read by NBA players)
10. Owner won't pay for team to travel to away games.
9. Coach used a timeout to go get Spike Lee's autograph.
8. Your teammate spends whole game guarding the ref.
7. Power forward has been out two months with the hiccups.
6. During the season, you lost to the Lakers and the Laker Girls.
5. Your team logo is a guy asleep in a hammock.
4. Much of the 24 seconds is spent on uncontrollable sobbing.
3. No one can dunk without using a stepladder.
2. Your best player is named Shaquille Wasserstein.
1. Many nights you have more groin pulls than points.
Leno: "At 63, Larry Brown became the oldest coach to ever win an NBA title. The scary thing, he is still younger than half the Lakers players. Afterwards, Kobe Bryant was so depressed he didn't touch the food in his room. He didn't touch the drinks. He didn't even touch the girl who brought it.
Howard Dean said in a recent interview that the downfall of his campaign began with the Al Gore endorsement. Hey, do you think Gore might have endorsed the Lakers?"
Letterman: "Did you see the NBA championship game last night? Boy did those Pistons beat up on the Lakers. That means the only Laker getting a ring this year will be Kobe Bryant's wife.
Today, Nancy Reagan accompanied the Lakers back to L.A. for the burial."
Conan: "Last night the Detroit Pistons beat the Lakers to win the NBA championship. When the Pistons were asked, 'You just won the NBA championship, where are you going?' They replied, 'Anywhere but Detroit.'"
Craig Kilborn: "How about the Detroit Pistons winning the championship. Afterwards, there were fist fights, shattered windows, and that was just in the Lakers locker room. I have good news for you Lakers fans. Kobe feels so guilty, you are all getting rings.
Top Ten L.A. Lakers' Explanations
10. Many players missed games 1 and 5 to attend Jennifer Lopez weddings.
9. All of Phil Jackson's zen talk made us sleepy.
8. Never should've gone with game plan prepared by Donald Rumsfeld.
7. What's the big deal? It's best of 9, right?
6. Shaq had trouble catching the ball and holding on to the Chalupa.
5. Isn't it obvious? Al Qaeda!
4. For some reason, these past few months Kobe seemed distracted.
3. No trophy means no hassle at airport security.
2. Been very busy planning the June 30th handover of Iraqi Sovereignty.
1. Hard to shoot over Ben Wallace's Hair.
Howard Dean said in a recent interview that the downfall of his campaign began with the Al Gore endorsement. Hey, do you think Gore might have endorsed the Lakers?"
Letterman: "Did you see the NBA championship game last night? Boy did those Pistons beat up on the Lakers. That means the only Laker getting a ring this year will be Kobe Bryant's wife.
Today, Nancy Reagan accompanied the Lakers back to L.A. for the burial."
Conan: "Last night the Detroit Pistons beat the Lakers to win the NBA championship. When the Pistons were asked, 'You just won the NBA championship, where are you going?' They replied, 'Anywhere but Detroit.'"
Craig Kilborn: "How about the Detroit Pistons winning the championship. Afterwards, there were fist fights, shattered windows, and that was just in the Lakers locker room. I have good news for you Lakers fans. Kobe feels so guilty, you are all getting rings.
Top Ten L.A. Lakers' Explanations
10. Many players missed games 1 and 5 to attend Jennifer Lopez weddings.
9. All of Phil Jackson's zen talk made us sleepy.
8. Never should've gone with game plan prepared by Donald Rumsfeld.
7. What's the big deal? It's best of 9, right?
6. Shaq had trouble catching the ball and holding on to the Chalupa.
5. Isn't it obvious? Al Qaeda!
4. For some reason, these past few months Kobe seemed distracted.
3. No trophy means no hassle at airport security.
2. Been very busy planning the June 30th handover of Iraqi Sovereignty.
1. Hard to shoot over Ben Wallace's Hair.
Letterman's Top 10 Ways to Make the All Star Game More Exciting
10. Replace "take me out to the ballgame" with 50 cent's "what up gangsta."
9. Just a thought, but when Saddam's soccer team lost, he'd execute 'em.
8. Two words: monkey umpires.
7. Losing players spend remainder of the year making seven bucks an hour.
6. Nine starters, eight uniforms.
5. Seventh inning players' wife-swap.
4. One lucky ticket-holder gets to manage the Expos in 2005.
3. Between innings, Pete Rose plays keno.
2. Allow top hitters to use performance-enhancing supplements -- oh wait, they already do that.
1. Losing pitcher has to give rubdown to a naked Bud Selig
More Letterman: New York City is getting ready for the Republican conventions and New Yorkers are being asked to stay home and not go anywhere near Madison Square Garden during the convention. I wish we could get the Knicks to do that.
Jon Stewart: "... That's what had Bunning's panties in a bunch -- gay marriage amendment. By the way, side note to the gay marriage debate, in the 60s Jim Bunning was a pitcher or I believe as they're known, a top.
10. Replace "take me out to the ballgame" with 50 cent's "what up gangsta."
9. Just a thought, but when Saddam's soccer team lost, he'd execute 'em.
8. Two words: monkey umpires.
7. Losing players spend remainder of the year making seven bucks an hour.
6. Nine starters, eight uniforms.
5. Seventh inning players' wife-swap.
4. One lucky ticket-holder gets to manage the Expos in 2005.
3. Between innings, Pete Rose plays keno.
2. Allow top hitters to use performance-enhancing supplements -- oh wait, they already do that.
1. Losing pitcher has to give rubdown to a naked Bud Selig
More Letterman: New York City is getting ready for the Republican conventions and New Yorkers are being asked to stay home and not go anywhere near Madison Square Garden during the convention. I wish we could get the Knicks to do that.
Jon Stewart: "... That's what had Bunning's panties in a bunch -- gay marriage amendment. By the way, side note to the gay marriage debate, in the 60s Jim Bunning was a pitcher or I believe as they're known, a top.
Letterman: "Have you been watching the Olympics? The U.S. gymnasts won the gold medal due to a mathematical error. It's the same way I got this show.
We've been preparing for this convention for years and we want everything to go well and now the mayor is telling New Yorkers to stay away from Madison Square Garden -- where the Republican Convention is going to go -- and it's a little offensive to have a guy tell you where you can't go in your own town. So he said, here's what you do, just pretend the Knicks are in town.
Dick Cheney has spoken out now in favor of gay unions. That's a surprise, don't you think? Yeah, he's in favor of gay unions. However, he stopped short of endorsing synchronized diving. He said that's going a little too far."
Jimmy Kimmel: "Yesterday the men's soccer team from Iraq lost in the semi-finals to Paraguay. There dream of winning gold is over, but on the bright side, they get to keep their hands."
Leno: "The big opening ceremony for the Olympics were earlier tonight. It was pretty spectacular. You know, they always start out with that parade of nations. All the athletes walking into the stadium behind their country's flag. You know it takes like four hours to do that. Hey, aren't these people athletes? Can't they pick up the pace a little bit?
President Bush called the Prime Minister of Greece to wish him good luck in the games and to thank him for the Grecian formula that's so popular around the world today.
The opening ceremony also featured these giant statues. Did you see them? I saw this one giant statue with an enormous 40 foot head, and then I realized it was the new John Kerry campaign commercial.
Letterman's Top 10 Signs You're Not Going to Win a Gold Medal in Olympic Softball
10. Your religion forbids you from hitting anything with a bat.
9. You could hit .400 and still not be hitting your weight.
8. Only three players show up for the final game because Oprah is on.
7. Because of travel agent, the earliest you can get to Greece is November.
6. Your starting lineup includes six players from the Montreal Expos.
5. Every time there's a pop-up, outfielder yells, "Run for your lives."
4. Your starting shortstop -- the frozen head of Ted Williams.
3. Won't go to third base because you're "just not that kind of girl."
2. Your pitcher leaves in the fifth inning to beat the traffic.
1. You got nine players, one uniform.
Letterman's Top 10 Reasons, I, Marion Jones, Love the Olympics
10. The pillows in the Athens hotel rooms smell like gyro meat.
9. Once I found a comb someone had lost in the long jump pit.
8. I had a chance to meet Danish badminton champ, Camilla Martin.
7. Put a gold medal in a change machine and you get like 20 bucks in quarters.
6. If you get nervous performing in front of big crowds, you won't have that problem here.
5. Ten percent discount on selected Olympus cameras.
4. Ralph Nader keeps begging me to be his running mate.
3. Free Javelins!
2. I can use the Olympic torch to light cigars.
1. I'll likely get to go to the White House and meet what's-his-name
Letterman's Top 10 Ways to Make the Olympics More Fun
(read by Olympic athletes)
10. Gymnasts allowed to smoke during floor exercises.
(Tara Kirk)
9. Require Dutch track and field team to wear wooden shoes.
(Lindsey Benko)
8. Replace pommel horse with real horse.
(Rulon Gardner)
7. Long jump, followed by high jump, followed by wide jump.
(Ali Cox)
6. Try to make every event a little bit more like Yahtzee.
(Patricia Miranda)
5. High dive tank full of sharks.
(Pete Chipaloni)
4. Looser slots at Olympic Village.
(Susan Williams)
3. Instead of National Anthem, play something by Usher.
(Maurice Greene)
2. We got badminton--What could be more fun than that?
(Sarah McMann)
1. Two words: Nude fencing.
(Gary Hall)
We've been preparing for this convention for years and we want everything to go well and now the mayor is telling New Yorkers to stay away from Madison Square Garden -- where the Republican Convention is going to go -- and it's a little offensive to have a guy tell you where you can't go in your own town. So he said, here's what you do, just pretend the Knicks are in town.
Dick Cheney has spoken out now in favor of gay unions. That's a surprise, don't you think? Yeah, he's in favor of gay unions. However, he stopped short of endorsing synchronized diving. He said that's going a little too far."
Jimmy Kimmel: "Yesterday the men's soccer team from Iraq lost in the semi-finals to Paraguay. There dream of winning gold is over, but on the bright side, they get to keep their hands."
Leno: "The big opening ceremony for the Olympics were earlier tonight. It was pretty spectacular. You know, they always start out with that parade of nations. All the athletes walking into the stadium behind their country's flag. You know it takes like four hours to do that. Hey, aren't these people athletes? Can't they pick up the pace a little bit?
President Bush called the Prime Minister of Greece to wish him good luck in the games and to thank him for the Grecian formula that's so popular around the world today.
The opening ceremony also featured these giant statues. Did you see them? I saw this one giant statue with an enormous 40 foot head, and then I realized it was the new John Kerry campaign commercial.
Letterman's Top 10 Signs You're Not Going to Win a Gold Medal in Olympic Softball
10. Your religion forbids you from hitting anything with a bat.
9. You could hit .400 and still not be hitting your weight.
8. Only three players show up for the final game because Oprah is on.
7. Because of travel agent, the earliest you can get to Greece is November.
6. Your starting lineup includes six players from the Montreal Expos.
5. Every time there's a pop-up, outfielder yells, "Run for your lives."
4. Your starting shortstop -- the frozen head of Ted Williams.
3. Won't go to third base because you're "just not that kind of girl."
2. Your pitcher leaves in the fifth inning to beat the traffic.
1. You got nine players, one uniform.
Letterman's Top 10 Reasons, I, Marion Jones, Love the Olympics
10. The pillows in the Athens hotel rooms smell like gyro meat.
9. Once I found a comb someone had lost in the long jump pit.
8. I had a chance to meet Danish badminton champ, Camilla Martin.
7. Put a gold medal in a change machine and you get like 20 bucks in quarters.
6. If you get nervous performing in front of big crowds, you won't have that problem here.
5. Ten percent discount on selected Olympus cameras.
4. Ralph Nader keeps begging me to be his running mate.
3. Free Javelins!
2. I can use the Olympic torch to light cigars.
1. I'll likely get to go to the White House and meet what's-his-name
Letterman's Top 10 Ways to Make the Olympics More Fun
(read by Olympic athletes)
10. Gymnasts allowed to smoke during floor exercises.
(Tara Kirk)
9. Require Dutch track and field team to wear wooden shoes.
(Lindsey Benko)
8. Replace pommel horse with real horse.
(Rulon Gardner)
7. Long jump, followed by high jump, followed by wide jump.
(Ali Cox)
6. Try to make every event a little bit more like Yahtzee.
(Patricia Miranda)
5. High dive tank full of sharks.
(Pete Chipaloni)
4. Looser slots at Olympic Village.
(Susan Williams)
3. Instead of National Anthem, play something by Usher.
(Maurice Greene)
2. We got badminton--What could be more fun than that?
(Sarah McMann)
1. Two words: Nude fencing.
(Gary Hall)
Letterman's Top Ten Things I Can Say Now That I've Won A Gold Medal
(as read by members of the U.S. Women's Soccer Team)
10. Thinking soccer ball was Letterman's head made it more fun to kick.
(Heather O'Reilly)
9. I'm saving on my gold medal insurance thanks to Geico!
(Lindsey Tarpley)
8. Now that the Olympics are over, it will be fun to use our hands again.
(Cat Reddick)
7. I swiped a couple of miniature bottles of shampoo from the Athens Marriott.
(Bryanna Scurry)
6. We tested positive for being 18 really hot soccer babes.
(Abby Wambach)
5. I regularly go to McDonalds to satisfy my Olympic-sized appetite. I just made $10,000 for saying that.
(Christine Lilly)
4. It was such an honor to play in front of dozens and dozens of crazed fans.
(Joy Fawcett)
3. Thank goodness I won this thing--on the way to the theater my medal stopped two bullets.
(Julie Foudy)
2. I'm pleased to announce that I'm now Mrs. Bob Costas.
(Brandi Chastain)
1. It's pretty clear who wears the pants in the family now, huh Nomar?
(Mia Hamm)
Jon Stewart: "I have been struck by many things about the delegates for the Republican National Convention. Madison Square Garden has definitely not seen this many white people in it since, well, actually since the last Rangers home game."
[ September 01, 2004, 08:36 AM: Message edited by: DCBucky ]
(as read by members of the U.S. Women's Soccer Team)
10. Thinking soccer ball was Letterman's head made it more fun to kick.
(Heather O'Reilly)
9. I'm saving on my gold medal insurance thanks to Geico!
(Lindsey Tarpley)
8. Now that the Olympics are over, it will be fun to use our hands again.
(Cat Reddick)
7. I swiped a couple of miniature bottles of shampoo from the Athens Marriott.
(Bryanna Scurry)
6. We tested positive for being 18 really hot soccer babes.
(Abby Wambach)
5. I regularly go to McDonalds to satisfy my Olympic-sized appetite. I just made $10,000 for saying that.
(Christine Lilly)
4. It was such an honor to play in front of dozens and dozens of crazed fans.
(Joy Fawcett)
3. Thank goodness I won this thing--on the way to the theater my medal stopped two bullets.
(Julie Foudy)
2. I'm pleased to announce that I'm now Mrs. Bob Costas.
(Brandi Chastain)
1. It's pretty clear who wears the pants in the family now, huh Nomar?
(Mia Hamm)
Jon Stewart: "I have been struck by many things about the delegates for the Republican National Convention. Madison Square Garden has definitely not seen this many white people in it since, well, actually since the last Rangers home game."
[ September 01, 2004, 08:36 AM: Message edited by: DCBucky ]
The top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators and olympic competitors
during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:
1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."
2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries,and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."
5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."
8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"
[Just received this via email -- so can't verify they're real]
during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:
1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."
2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries,and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."
5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."
8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"
[Just received this via email -- so can't verify they're real]
Jay Leno actually said something that made me laugh-alert the media! Anyway, he made this crack regarding last night's NFL Kickoff show:
[ September 10, 2004, 08:40 AM: Message edited by: George_vikingfan ]
QUOTE
Who called the coin toss, Ryan Seacrest? — The Tonight Show's Jay Leno, echoing my bewilderment at the NFL Kickoff's entertainment roster.
(from a random columnist on TV Guide online)[ September 10, 2004, 08:40 AM: Message edited by: George_vikingfan ]
QUOTE
DCBucky:
...comments made by NBC sports commentators and olympic competitors during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back.
[Just received this via email -- so can't verify they're real]
They're funny, but they look more like a collection of random sports double entendres than actual comments from this past Olympiad....comments made by NBC sports commentators and olympic competitors during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back.
[Just received this via email -- so can't verify they're real]
Link to comments (and even more sports-related jokes) from Snopes.com Urban Legend Site
Deleted as it was a duplicate of a previous post.
[ September 22, 2004, 05:00 PM: Message edited by: sportinlife ]
[ September 22, 2004, 05:00 PM: Message edited by: sportinlife ]
QUOTE
sportinlife:
My partner who is no sports fan, sent me these actual comments:
See the posts above. wink
My partner who is no sports fan, sent me these actual comments:
QUOTE
Joe in Philly:
Whoops! Thanks Joe.
QUOTE
sportinlife:
My partner who is no sports fan, sent me these actual comments:
See the posts above. wink My partner who is no sports fan, sent me these actual comments:
Letterman's Top 10 New York Yankees Strategies for Winning the World Series
... as read by Gary Sheffield
10. Blind opponents with light reflected off Jeter's World Series rings.
9. Thanks to some scientist friends of mine over at Cal Tech, Mickey Mantle will be playing centerfield.
8. We added a home run-hitting kangaroo and there ain't a thing anyone can do about it.
7. Replace opponents' bats with hilarious novelty exploding bats.
6. Never swing at the first pitch and always hit the cutoff man ... or some crap like that.
5. Can't think of a number 5 so check out these pythons, ladies.
4. Here's a secret I used when I won the World Series with Florida in '97 -- in the postseason, give 112%.
3. Hideki Matsui taught us some crazy Kung Fu.
2. Convince Mr. Steinbrenner to spend a little money on this team for once.
1. Hit a home run and Oprah buys you a new car.
Leno: "Saddam Hussein is now reportedly depressed and begging for mercy. I didn't even know he was a Mets fan."
... as read by Gary Sheffield
10. Blind opponents with light reflected off Jeter's World Series rings.
9. Thanks to some scientist friends of mine over at Cal Tech, Mickey Mantle will be playing centerfield.
8. We added a home run-hitting kangaroo and there ain't a thing anyone can do about it.
7. Replace opponents' bats with hilarious novelty exploding bats.
6. Never swing at the first pitch and always hit the cutoff man ... or some crap like that.
5. Can't think of a number 5 so check out these pythons, ladies.
4. Here's a secret I used when I won the World Series with Florida in '97 -- in the postseason, give 112%.
3. Hideki Matsui taught us some crazy Kung Fu.
2. Convince Mr. Steinbrenner to spend a little money on this team for once.
1. Hit a home run and Oprah buys you a new car.
Leno: "Saddam Hussein is now reportedly depressed and begging for mercy. I didn't even know he was a Mets fan."
QUOTE
DCBucky:
Leno: \"Saddam Hussein is now reportedly depressed and begging for mercy. I didn't even know he was a Mets fan.\"
HEY!!! :mad: That's not right! frown
Leno: \"Saddam Hussein is now reportedly depressed and begging for mercy. I didn't even know he was a Mets fan.\"
Just found this thread...Very funny...keep 'em coming....
Conan: The New York Times says that the Mets are starting their own television network. Not surprisingly, the Mets are calling the network Comedy Central."
"The presidential election almost on us, right now it is 13 days away. In other words, the length of one Red Sox-Yankees game."
Letterman's Top 10 Signs it's Autumn in New York
10. 20% increase in crimes committed with rakes.
9. Since people are wearing jackets, chalk body outlines a bit bulkier.
8. Sanitation department finally picks up last year's Christmas trees.
7. Because of daylight saving time, Conan O'Brien now has 5 years and 1 hour until he replaces Leno.
6. Billy Joel has the top up when he crashes his car.
5. People are flocking to the Hello Deli to watch the meat loaf change colors.
4. Bill O'Reilly is keeping pants on when making phone calls.
3. CBS has documents that prove it's spring.
2. The Mets are not playing.
1. Martha Stewart is shivving pumpkins
"The presidential election almost on us, right now it is 13 days away. In other words, the length of one Red Sox-Yankees game."
Letterman's Top 10 Signs it's Autumn in New York
10. 20% increase in crimes committed with rakes.
9. Since people are wearing jackets, chalk body outlines a bit bulkier.
8. Sanitation department finally picks up last year's Christmas trees.
7. Because of daylight saving time, Conan O'Brien now has 5 years and 1 hour until he replaces Leno.
6. Billy Joel has the top up when he crashes his car.
5. People are flocking to the Hello Deli to watch the meat loaf change colors.
4. Bill O'Reilly is keeping pants on when making phone calls.
3. CBS has documents that prove it's spring.
2. The Mets are not playing.
1. Martha Stewart is shivving pumpkins
Goddammit, I hate all these freakin Mets jokes.... :mad: (no matter how true some of them may be 
)
)
Don't worry -- I can almost guarantee that tonight we'll see something on the order of "Top 10 Reasons the Yankees choked." wink
Not quite "Top 10 Reasons the Yankees Choked" but close enough....
Top Ten Secrets To The Boston Red Sox Comeback -- presented by Curt Schilling
10. Unlike the first three games, we didn't leave early to beat the traffic.
9. We put flu virus in Jeter's gatorade.
8. Let's just say Pete Rose made some phone calls for us.
7. We asked Pokey Reese to be a little less pokey.
6. It's not like we haven't won a big game before--it's just been 86 years.
5. Honestly, I think we were tired of hearing about the Patriots.
4. The messages of encouragement Martha sent on prison napkins.
3. We pretended the baseball was Letterman's head.
2. What'd you expect--we have a guy who looks like Jesus!
1. We got Babe Ruth's ghost a hooker and now everything's cool.
Top Ten Secrets To The Boston Red Sox Comeback -- presented by Curt Schilling
10. Unlike the first three games, we didn't leave early to beat the traffic.
9. We put flu virus in Jeter's gatorade.
8. Let's just say Pete Rose made some phone calls for us.
7. We asked Pokey Reese to be a little less pokey.
6. It's not like we haven't won a big game before--it's just been 86 years.
5. Honestly, I think we were tired of hearing about the Patriots.
4. The messages of encouragement Martha sent on prison napkins.
3. We pretended the baseball was Letterman's head.
2. What'd you expect--we have a guy who looks like Jesus!
1. We got Babe Ruth's ghost a hooker and now everything's cool.
Entertainment Weekly quoted a couple of recent sound bites in their current issue:
"Mike Tyson this week completed 100 hours of community service coaching kids at a Brooklyn gym. 'I'm so glad the 100 hours is up and now I can relax and get on with my life,' said one of the kids." - Amy Poehler on SNL
"The New York Yankees (may sign) Randy Johnson for $48 million. Johnson is described as a cranky loner. And I believe that's the most money anybody everpaid for a cranky loner since CBS hired me." - David Letterman on the Late Show
"Mike Tyson this week completed 100 hours of community service coaching kids at a Brooklyn gym. 'I'm so glad the 100 hours is up and now I can relax and get on with my life,' said one of the kids." - Amy Poehler on SNL
"The New York Yankees (may sign) Randy Johnson for $48 million. Johnson is described as a cranky loner. And I believe that's the most money anybody everpaid for a cranky loner since CBS hired me." - David Letterman on the Late Show
Craig Ferguson: It's true Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston broke up. ... but there's more going on in the world then Brad and Jen. For instance here's an update on the hockey strike: Today is Day 116 of nobody giving a crap"
From New Year's Eve:
Leno: "In just 25 minutes, Secretary of State Colin Powell will push the button to drop the ball in Times Square. Powell said the hardest part: getting a cab to take him to Times Square. ... Colin Powell, which seems kind of odd -- usually when someone drops the ball in New York, he's wearing a Mets cap.
From New Year's Eve:
Leno: "In just 25 minutes, Secretary of State Colin Powell will push the button to drop the ball in Times Square. Powell said the hardest part: getting a cab to take him to Times Square. ... Colin Powell, which seems kind of odd -- usually when someone drops the ball in New York, he's wearing a Mets cap.
Thanks for posting all those jokes Bucky. I needed a couple of good laughs. I had fun reading em.
Thanks for posting all those jokes Bucky. I needed a couple of good laughs. I had fun reading em.
Leno: In the Senate, the vote to confirm Condoleezza Rice as the next Secretary of State was 85-13 in favor. 85-13. Excuse me ... I’m sorry ... That’s what the score of the Super Bowl is going to be when the Patriots beat the Eagles.
Terrell Owens told reporters that he will play on Sunday. The Patriots were very gracious about it. They said, "Hey, break a leg!"
A lot of people are buying this new projection TV. Have you seen this thing? It’s amazing. It lets you project a huge 8-foot picture onto a blank wall. It’s great for the Super Bowl, because once the Patriots are up by 30, you can do shadow puppets on it to entertain your friends.
Big problems with next week’s Super Bowl. I hear they might not even air the Eagles playing the Patriots because of legal reasons. You know about this? Because, you know, apparently you’re not supposed to televise an execution.
Terrell Owens told reporters that he will play on Sunday. The Patriots were very gracious about it. They said, "Hey, break a leg!"
A lot of people are buying this new projection TV. Have you seen this thing? It’s amazing. It lets you project a huge 8-foot picture onto a blank wall. It’s great for the Super Bowl, because once the Patriots are up by 30, you can do shadow puppets on it to entertain your friends.
Big problems with next week’s Super Bowl. I hear they might not even air the Eagles playing the Patriots because of legal reasons. You know about this? Because, you know, apparently you’re not supposed to televise an execution.
For those who don't know, Leno's bandleader, Kevin Eubanks, is from Philadelphia. Therefore, those people unlucky enough to not know good comedy when they see/hear it turn on Leno each night and are subjected to this.
Man I am all for bashing the Eagles, TO and their fans, but those latest Leno "jokes" are beyond lame. I've read funnier jokes on Dixie Riddle cups or in Highlights magazine. I'll bet the trained seals in Leno's audience were just howling with laughter though. Ugh!
One of the funny things earlier this week:
Richard Hamilton of the Pistons is wearing the tread pattern of a new tire in his braids for commercial purposes- he shows the top of Ricky's head and says- if your tire looks like this you are okay...
then he said- if your tire looks like this *pans to top view of Kevin Eubanks head*- then you are in trouble...
I know it was lame physical/prop comedy- but it just struck me funny!
Richard Hamilton of the Pistons is wearing the tread pattern of a new tire in his braids for commercial purposes- he shows the top of Ricky's head and says- if your tire looks like this you are okay...
then he said- if your tire looks like this *pans to top view of Kevin Eubanks head*- then you are in trouble...
I know it was lame physical/prop comedy- but it just struck me funny!
Yeah those Leno jokes stunk -- so here are some more! These are from earlier in the year. And enough picking on the Iggles -- it's the Mets turn.
Conan: Some bad news for Red Sox fans. It's expected that Pedro Martinez will sign with the New York Mets. When asked why he’s signing with the Mets, Pedro said, "I want to get out of professional baseball."
This weekend, Mets catcher Mike Piazza is getting married. The wedding is going to be a small one: Piazza, his wife and the three remaining Mets fans.
Letterman: Carlos Beltran has signed a deal with the New York Mets for $119 million. That means a beer at Shea Stadium will now cost anywhere from 30 to 40 bucks.
$119 million deal. Still, the Mets can’t compete with the Yankees for overpaid disappointments.
You think he won’t have a problem balancing the checkbook. But in fairness he still has to pay for his own steroids.
This should keep the Mets in the pennant race until ... oh, May or June.
That's a fantastic deal. $119 million! And the best part about playing for the Mets is that you get October off.
Leno: Some more happy news – New York Mets Catcher Mike Piazza is now engaged to a former "Baywatch" star – David Hasselhoff.
I think it’s great that Mike Piazza is getting married. After all, he plays for the Mets, this is his only chance to get a ring.
Did you see that special episode of Lost last night? Or as they’re calling it in "Oklahoma: The Orange Bowl".
What was that? USC beat "Choke-lahoma" 55-19. Fifty-five to nineteen! When I first heard those numbers I thought "Oh, Billy Joel must've gotten married again."
It was so bad, you couldn’t even see the Oklahoma logo in their end zone because USC was always standing on it.
Did you see O.J. Simpson? He was there. O.J. was at the game last night. He was there. Boy, that guy always seems to be around whenever there’s a slaughter. You ever notice that?
That's pretty smart - that's one way to keep athlete from going into the stands and attacking fans – put O.J. in the crowd.
I guess you know they had two big problems during the halftime show at the Orange Bowl last night. Kelly Clarkson mic wasn't working and Ashlee Simpson's was.
Ashlee had a rough time of it. Halfway through people in the crowd were screaming for her to start lip-synching.
Kobe Bryant and the Lakers are playing the Nuggets in Denver tonight. Kobe's wife is excited because any time Kobe goes to Colorado she gets jewelry.
Don King is suing ESPN for $2.5 billion for defamation. $2.5 billion! That's almost as much money as he stole from Mike Tyson.
King claimed they showed him in a bad light. Which I think would be daylight, wouldn't it?
Conan: Some bad news for Red Sox fans. It's expected that Pedro Martinez will sign with the New York Mets. When asked why he’s signing with the Mets, Pedro said, "I want to get out of professional baseball."
This weekend, Mets catcher Mike Piazza is getting married. The wedding is going to be a small one: Piazza, his wife and the three remaining Mets fans.
Letterman: Carlos Beltran has signed a deal with the New York Mets for $119 million. That means a beer at Shea Stadium will now cost anywhere from 30 to 40 bucks.
$119 million deal. Still, the Mets can’t compete with the Yankees for overpaid disappointments.
You think he won’t have a problem balancing the checkbook. But in fairness he still has to pay for his own steroids.
This should keep the Mets in the pennant race until ... oh, May or June.
That's a fantastic deal. $119 million! And the best part about playing for the Mets is that you get October off.
Leno: Some more happy news – New York Mets Catcher Mike Piazza is now engaged to a former "Baywatch" star – David Hasselhoff.
I think it’s great that Mike Piazza is getting married. After all, he plays for the Mets, this is his only chance to get a ring.
Did you see that special episode of Lost last night? Or as they’re calling it in "Oklahoma: The Orange Bowl".
What was that? USC beat "Choke-lahoma" 55-19. Fifty-five to nineteen! When I first heard those numbers I thought "Oh, Billy Joel must've gotten married again."
It was so bad, you couldn’t even see the Oklahoma logo in their end zone because USC was always standing on it.
Did you see O.J. Simpson? He was there. O.J. was at the game last night. He was there. Boy, that guy always seems to be around whenever there’s a slaughter. You ever notice that?
That's pretty smart - that's one way to keep athlete from going into the stands and attacking fans – put O.J. in the crowd.
I guess you know they had two big problems during the halftime show at the Orange Bowl last night. Kelly Clarkson mic wasn't working and Ashlee Simpson's was.
Ashlee had a rough time of it. Halfway through people in the crowd were screaming for her to start lip-synching.
Kobe Bryant and the Lakers are playing the Nuggets in Denver tonight. Kobe's wife is excited because any time Kobe goes to Colorado she gets jewelry.
Don King is suing ESPN for $2.5 billion for defamation. $2.5 billion! That's almost as much money as he stole from Mike Tyson.
King claimed they showed him in a bad light. Which I think would be daylight, wouldn't it?
Letterman's Top Ten list tonight will feature 10 Patriots with the list of Ten Things You Don't Want to Hear in the Huddle. So long as Bruschi, Brady, Vinatieri and Johnson are among the ten Pats, it will at least be worth looking at!
Letterman: "The Super Bowl half time show -- it was clean, it was wholesome, it was family friendly. That's right -- it sucked."
Craig Ferguson: "Former President Bill Clinton was at the Super Bowl this weekend. He actually scored more times then the Eagles.
Letterman's Top Ten Philadelphia Eagles Excuses
10. Spent two weeks practicing the coin toss.
9. Discouraged by half time show's lack of nudity.
8. We were missing 'Desperate Housewives' -- who could think straight?
7. We're overwhelmed by the awe-inspiring metropolis that is Jacksonville.
6. Oh, suddenly referees are too good to take bribes?
5. Who really wants to get Gatorade dumped on them?
4. Should have campaigned harder in Ohio.
3. It's totally unfair, the Patriots are really good.
2. Maybe being from the land of cheese steaks ain't a good thing.
1. When Tom Brady looked at us with those gorgeous eyes, we just melted.
Craig Ferguson: "Former President Bill Clinton was at the Super Bowl this weekend. He actually scored more times then the Eagles.
Letterman's Top Ten Philadelphia Eagles Excuses
10. Spent two weeks practicing the coin toss.
9. Discouraged by half time show's lack of nudity.
8. We were missing 'Desperate Housewives' -- who could think straight?
7. We're overwhelmed by the awe-inspiring metropolis that is Jacksonville.
6. Oh, suddenly referees are too good to take bribes?
5. Who really wants to get Gatorade dumped on them?
4. Should have campaigned harder in Ohio.
3. It's totally unfair, the Patriots are really good.
2. Maybe being from the land of cheese steaks ain't a good thing.
1. When Tom Brady looked at us with those gorgeous eyes, we just melted.
Letterman: "Here's tremendous news -- the Israelis and the Palestinians have negotiated a cease fire. Things really came together once they resolved the salary cap issue.
Well up there in Boston the Patriots had their big Super Bowl celebration earlier today. They had the World Series. Now they get the Super Bowl. Pretty good time to be up there wouldn't you think? But you know these celebration parades always get out of hand and something ugly happens. I just heard this on the news -- a couple of teen punks, a couple of rowdy teen punks, apparently they were just crazy or something. They went nuts and they tipped over Ted Kennedy.
Leno: In his new book, Jose Canseco said that he injected steroids into the body of Mark McGwire. McGwire denied the allegations. In fact, he was so angry that he ripped five of Canseco's books in half at once.
One of the Philadelphia Eagles said today the reason the team did poorly in the 4th quarter was Donovan McNabb was getting sick in the huddle. He was sick, actually throwing up in the huddle. That's a chunky soup ad you don’t want to see.
Did you all enjoy the Super Bowl commercials? You know they weren’t as good as usual. It’s funny when I saw George Bush Sr. and Bill Clinton walking together, I just thought it was a Super Bowl ad for Metamucil and Levitra!
The city of Boston held its third victory parade in 12 months yesterday. Kev, you know what the secret to a good victory parade is? I didn't think you'd know, you're from Philly!
This Sunday are the Grammy Awards. What’s the difference between the Grammy’s and the Super Bowl? The Eagles have won at the Grammy’s.
Conan: "This is our first show back after the Super Bowl. It’s now being reported that Donovan McNabb was so ill during the 4th quarter that he about threw up. Actually he did throw up but it was intercepted by New England.
In his new book, baseball slugger Jose Conseco said he took steroids when he played for the Texas Rangers, and that owner George W. Bush new all about it. In response President Bush said that's ridiculous. I've never known all about anything"
Letterman's Top 10 Messages Left on Jose Canseco's Answering Machine
10. Barry Bonds here. Can I get your leftover junk?
9. This is Andy Reid. Thanks for helping people forget the Eagles choked.
8. It's the National Baseball Hall of Fame. Any hypodermic needles we could display?
7. Jose, could you lift my car so I can change a flat?
6. Bill Buckner here. Welcome to the club.
5. It's Bud Selig. Thanks for not making fun of my hair.
4. This is President Bush. What's this I hear about me owning a baseball team in the '90s?
3. Hey, it's your agent -- I thought you were dead.
2. This is Jim from Jiffy Lube. Are you coming to work or not?
1. Mark McGwire. Why'd you tell everyone you injected me
in the ass?
Well up there in Boston the Patriots had their big Super Bowl celebration earlier today. They had the World Series. Now they get the Super Bowl. Pretty good time to be up there wouldn't you think? But you know these celebration parades always get out of hand and something ugly happens. I just heard this on the news -- a couple of teen punks, a couple of rowdy teen punks, apparently they were just crazy or something. They went nuts and they tipped over Ted Kennedy.
Leno: In his new book, Jose Canseco said that he injected steroids into the body of Mark McGwire. McGwire denied the allegations. In fact, he was so angry that he ripped five of Canseco's books in half at once.
One of the Philadelphia Eagles said today the reason the team did poorly in the 4th quarter was Donovan McNabb was getting sick in the huddle. He was sick, actually throwing up in the huddle. That's a chunky soup ad you don’t want to see.
Did you all enjoy the Super Bowl commercials? You know they weren’t as good as usual. It’s funny when I saw George Bush Sr. and Bill Clinton walking together, I just thought it was a Super Bowl ad for Metamucil and Levitra!
The city of Boston held its third victory parade in 12 months yesterday. Kev, you know what the secret to a good victory parade is? I didn't think you'd know, you're from Philly!
This Sunday are the Grammy Awards. What’s the difference between the Grammy’s and the Super Bowl? The Eagles have won at the Grammy’s.
Conan: "This is our first show back after the Super Bowl. It’s now being reported that Donovan McNabb was so ill during the 4th quarter that he about threw up. Actually he did throw up but it was intercepted by New England.
In his new book, baseball slugger Jose Conseco said he took steroids when he played for the Texas Rangers, and that owner George W. Bush new all about it. In response President Bush said that's ridiculous. I've never known all about anything"
Letterman's Top 10 Messages Left on Jose Canseco's Answering Machine
10. Barry Bonds here. Can I get your leftover junk?
9. This is Andy Reid. Thanks for helping people forget the Eagles choked.
8. It's the National Baseball Hall of Fame. Any hypodermic needles we could display?
7. Jose, could you lift my car so I can change a flat?
6. Bill Buckner here. Welcome to the club.
5. It's Bud Selig. Thanks for not making fun of my hair.
4. This is President Bush. What's this I hear about me owning a baseball team in the '90s?
3. Hey, it's your agent -- I thought you were dead.
2. This is Jim from Jiffy Lube. Are you coming to work or not?
1. Mark McGwire. Why'd you tell everyone you injected me
in the ass?
The Letterman Top Ten list is pretty funny stuff especially #1-4!
Letterman: I want to announce that in the late 90's Regis Philbin would often inject me with Lipitor.
The big dog show is going on over at Madison Square Garden this week. Earlier tonight the dogs beat the Knicks 110 to 98.
It was a great game until a rottweiler went into the stands and punched a guy.
Leno: Any hockey fans here tonight? Of course you’re here – you have nowhere else to go!
Yesterday the NHL cancelled the rest of their season. To which the Clippers said, "You can do that?"
The NHL hockey season has been cancelled. Fans are disappointed but the action is expected to save over three thousand teeth.
Right now the only pro athlete on the ice is Ted Williams."
hmmmm ... same as it ever was -- Letterman=funny; Leno=not.
The big dog show is going on over at Madison Square Garden this week. Earlier tonight the dogs beat the Knicks 110 to 98.
It was a great game until a rottweiler went into the stands and punched a guy.
Leno: Any hockey fans here tonight? Of course you’re here – you have nowhere else to go!
Yesterday the NHL cancelled the rest of their season. To which the Clippers said, "You can do that?"
The NHL hockey season has been cancelled. Fans are disappointed but the action is expected to save over three thousand teeth.
Right now the only pro athlete on the ice is Ted Williams."
hmmmm ... same as it ever was -- Letterman=funny; Leno=not.
Reviving an old thread -- some new ones -- mostly old ones ...
Letterman: You know, wherever there is trouble these days, they send in former Presidents Bush and Clinton. And today they showed up in the Yankee clubhouse.
Congratulations to Lance Armstrong on winning the Tour de France once again! He now has so many yellow jerseys he’s now considered a Christo project.
Lance had a great race. He avoided several accidents and saved 15% on his car insurance through Geico.
Lance says that he is now going to retire. When asked what he is going to do in retirement he said the first thing he’ll do is try to regain feeling to his ass.
For you folks visiting New York City the Hello Deli has a special today – George Steinbrenner’s horse.
Did you see the Kentucky Derby? George Steinbrenner, the owner of the Yankees had a horse in the race and was heavily favored. The horse finished seventh. I think it might have been Steinbrenner’s fault – half way through the race he fired the jockey.
Do you watch CSI: New York ? How about the regular CSI ? Or CSI: Miami ? Who watches "CSI: Phoenix?” or CSI: Spokane? Tonight on CSI: New York it takes place at Yankee Stadium and they find a dead Red Sox fan. It’s a big mystery. They find traces of gun powder, they find hair – and that’s just in the hot dogs.
A fan in Oakland dumped a beer on Jason Giambi’s head. What a waste of $36! The bad thing was that Giambi took a swing at the guy and missed.
Letterman's Top 10 Things Going Through This Guy's Mind at the Moment
(Picture of the guy who jumped into the net at Yankee Stadium)
10. Thought the third base coach was giving me the 'jump' sign.
9. Will I get to watch the end of the game in my jail cell?
8. Figured I'd beat the traffic.
7. If I had a girlfriend, she'd be impressed.
6. I'm sure Steinbrenner won't mind.
5. If Marv Albert uses this, I hope he adds a comical 'bong!'
4. Giambi said that stuff he gave me would make me fly.
3. I hope they do some funny jokes about this on Leno!
2. I wonder if the newspaper will refer to me as a 'moron' or an 'idiot.'
1. If a drunken stooge can't disgrace himself at sporting events, then the terrorists have won.
Top Ten Rafael Palmeiro Excuses
10. How am I supposed to keep track of every single thing I stick up my ass?
9. 'Roids rule, dude!
8. Memory loss from steroid use made me forget I was on steroids.
7. Heard steroids give your mustache a glossy coat.
6. Steroids illegal?! Since when?
5. Somebody must've slipped something into my Viagra!
4. Uhh, I lost it in the sun?"
3. I enjoy the fresh minty flavor.
1. There wasn't a Starbucks around and I needed a quick pick-me up.
1. Pete Rose bet me I wouldn't do it!
Leno:
Leno:
Any Chicago Cubs fans here? Chicago Cubs pitcher Carlos Zambrano has been told to cut back on his computer time because it was contributing to his elbow problems. Let me tell you something, if your elbow is injured from too much time on the computer, it’s time to get a real live girlfriend.
Donald Trump has started his own online university. It’s a school where you don’t have to attend classes in person or, as Ohio State calls it, the football program.
Record heat all across the nation this weekend, especially on the east coast. In fact, it was so hot in Baltimore, Rafael Palmeiro switched to injecting himself with Freon.
Jose Canseco is now selling his World Series ring on his website for $40,000. He didn’t want to sell it, but since he’s off steroids, he can only wear it as a bracelet now.
You know Rafael Palmeiro was suspended for steroid use. To give you an idea how strong the steroids he used were, he’s sitting out ten games, still got three home runs last night.
Lance Armstrong won the Tour de France for the seventh time over the weekend. Now that’s the Tour de France, not to be confused with Jude Law who won the Tour de Pants.
President Bush even called Lance. Not to congratulate him but to find out how to back peddle.
This is the seventh time Lance has won the Tour de France. His seventh victory, well eight if you count Sheryl Crowe.
I went to see the Bad News Bears over the weekend. No, I’m sorry ... those were Dodger highlights.
According to a new poll, Americans said they waste two hours a day at work. Or as the Dodgers call that…a game.
As you know the Dodgers are not looking good. In fact they are doing so bad congress is demanding they start using steroids.
Another 100 degree day here in Los Angeles. In fact, it was so hot I went down to see the Dodgers play just to be near a cold streak.
The Major League Baseball All Star Game was last night. Several Dodger players were there. They were selling hot dogs, parking cars – but they were there.
In fact, the winds are so strong, some of the balls hit by Tampa Bay Devil Rays players could actually go out of the infield.
The Kentucky Derby winner was Giacomo. Yankee owner George Steinbrenner’s horse Bellamy road finished seventh. In fact, George gave the horse a new name today "Yankee Stadium Hot Dog."
The Pentagon announced they are closing more than 150 military bases in this country. In related news, the Kansas City Royals proposed closing 1st, 2nd, and 3rd base because they serve no purpose. They’re not doing anything. Might as well close those bases down and save money
Letterman: You know, wherever there is trouble these days, they send in former Presidents Bush and Clinton. And today they showed up in the Yankee clubhouse.
Congratulations to Lance Armstrong on winning the Tour de France once again! He now has so many yellow jerseys he’s now considered a Christo project.
Lance had a great race. He avoided several accidents and saved 15% on his car insurance through Geico.
Lance says that he is now going to retire. When asked what he is going to do in retirement he said the first thing he’ll do is try to regain feeling to his ass.
For you folks visiting New York City the Hello Deli has a special today – George Steinbrenner’s horse.
Did you see the Kentucky Derby? George Steinbrenner, the owner of the Yankees had a horse in the race and was heavily favored. The horse finished seventh. I think it might have been Steinbrenner’s fault – half way through the race he fired the jockey.
Do you watch CSI: New York ? How about the regular CSI ? Or CSI: Miami ? Who watches "CSI: Phoenix?” or CSI: Spokane? Tonight on CSI: New York it takes place at Yankee Stadium and they find a dead Red Sox fan. It’s a big mystery. They find traces of gun powder, they find hair – and that’s just in the hot dogs.
A fan in Oakland dumped a beer on Jason Giambi’s head. What a waste of $36! The bad thing was that Giambi took a swing at the guy and missed.
Letterman's Top 10 Things Going Through This Guy's Mind at the Moment
(Picture of the guy who jumped into the net at Yankee Stadium)
10. Thought the third base coach was giving me the 'jump' sign.
9. Will I get to watch the end of the game in my jail cell?
8. Figured I'd beat the traffic.
7. If I had a girlfriend, she'd be impressed.
6. I'm sure Steinbrenner won't mind.
5. If Marv Albert uses this, I hope he adds a comical 'bong!'
4. Giambi said that stuff he gave me would make me fly.
3. I hope they do some funny jokes about this on Leno!
2. I wonder if the newspaper will refer to me as a 'moron' or an 'idiot.'
1. If a drunken stooge can't disgrace himself at sporting events, then the terrorists have won.
Top Ten Rafael Palmeiro Excuses
10. How am I supposed to keep track of every single thing I stick up my ass?
9. 'Roids rule, dude!
8. Memory loss from steroid use made me forget I was on steroids.
7. Heard steroids give your mustache a glossy coat.
6. Steroids illegal?! Since when?
5. Somebody must've slipped something into my Viagra!
4. Uhh, I lost it in the sun?"
3. I enjoy the fresh minty flavor.
1. There wasn't a Starbucks around and I needed a quick pick-me up.
1. Pete Rose bet me I wouldn't do it!
Leno:
Leno:
Any Chicago Cubs fans here? Chicago Cubs pitcher Carlos Zambrano has been told to cut back on his computer time because it was contributing to his elbow problems. Let me tell you something, if your elbow is injured from too much time on the computer, it’s time to get a real live girlfriend.
Donald Trump has started his own online university. It’s a school where you don’t have to attend classes in person or, as Ohio State calls it, the football program.
Record heat all across the nation this weekend, especially on the east coast. In fact, it was so hot in Baltimore, Rafael Palmeiro switched to injecting himself with Freon.
Jose Canseco is now selling his World Series ring on his website for $40,000. He didn’t want to sell it, but since he’s off steroids, he can only wear it as a bracelet now.
You know Rafael Palmeiro was suspended for steroid use. To give you an idea how strong the steroids he used were, he’s sitting out ten games, still got three home runs last night.
Lance Armstrong won the Tour de France for the seventh time over the weekend. Now that’s the Tour de France, not to be confused with Jude Law who won the Tour de Pants.
President Bush even called Lance. Not to congratulate him but to find out how to back peddle.
This is the seventh time Lance has won the Tour de France. His seventh victory, well eight if you count Sheryl Crowe.
I went to see the Bad News Bears over the weekend. No, I’m sorry ... those were Dodger highlights.
According to a new poll, Americans said they waste two hours a day at work. Or as the Dodgers call that…a game.
As you know the Dodgers are not looking good. In fact they are doing so bad congress is demanding they start using steroids.
Another 100 degree day here in Los Angeles. In fact, it was so hot I went down to see the Dodgers play just to be near a cold streak.
The Major League Baseball All Star Game was last night. Several Dodger players were there. They were selling hot dogs, parking cars – but they were there.
In fact, the winds are so strong, some of the balls hit by Tampa Bay Devil Rays players could actually go out of the infield.
The Kentucky Derby winner was Giacomo. Yankee owner George Steinbrenner’s horse Bellamy road finished seventh. In fact, George gave the horse a new name today "Yankee Stadium Hot Dog."
The Pentagon announced they are closing more than 150 military bases in this country. In related news, the Kansas City Royals proposed closing 1st, 2nd, and 3rd base because they serve no purpose. They’re not doing anything. Might as well close those bases down and save money
Letterman: "I don't know if you've heard this. Earlier, President Bush promised to rebuild the Yankees at all costs. Yeah, the Yankees didn't look that good last night. Harriet Miers watched the games and said, " ... and they call me unqualified... "
Letterman's Top Ten New York Yankees Excuses
10. Angels have developed a secret pitch that curves!
9. Players left logy by clubhouse paella.
8. Aren't used to rat-free outfield.
7. Average player age is 52.
6. Didn't know if they were playing California Angels, Anaheim Angels or Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim.
5. Acid reflux.
4. How are you supposed to field a competitive team on $200 million?
3. Due to a typo in latest memo, Steinbrenner demanded players give 10%.
2. Giambi lost his lucky syringe.
1. Who can concentrate on baseball when hockey is back?
Leno: After losing, a lot of the Yankee pitchers were so upset that they took the first raft home.
Did you see the Astros-Braves game yesterday? The Astros won in 18 innings. 18 innings. The game was so long, three of the relief pitchers visas expired! You know why it took so long? Most of the steroids stopped working after the 12th inning. That’s why there weren’t any hits.
Letterman's Top Ten New York Yankees Excuses
10. Angels have developed a secret pitch that curves!
9. Players left logy by clubhouse paella.
8. Aren't used to rat-free outfield.
7. Average player age is 52.
6. Didn't know if they were playing California Angels, Anaheim Angels or Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim.
5. Acid reflux.
4. How are you supposed to field a competitive team on $200 million?
3. Due to a typo in latest memo, Steinbrenner demanded players give 10%.
2. Giambi lost his lucky syringe.
1. Who can concentrate on baseball when hockey is back?
Leno: After losing, a lot of the Yankee pitchers were so upset that they took the first raft home.
Did you see the Astros-Braves game yesterday? The Astros won in 18 innings. 18 innings. The game was so long, three of the relief pitchers visas expired! You know why it took so long? Most of the steroids stopped working after the 12th inning. That’s why there weren’t any hits.
Conan: Yankees fans are furious about Alex Rodriguez for playing so poorly in the playoffs, many of them have been insulting him in public. Apparently A-Rod got so fed up with this that he took a swing at a fan and grounded into a double play.
Letterman: "The World Series game lasted 5 hours and 41 minutes, and as it dragged on, and dragged on ... I started to think it was something George Bush dragged us into."
"You can tell it’s fall outside – today the Minnesota Vikings got a hayrack full of hookers."
Top Ten Perks Of Getting Into The World Series
10. If Steinbrenner wants me next year, my price is now a billion dollars!
9. Clemens used his AARP card to get us cheap hotel rooms.
8. World Series MVP gets to throw switch at Saddam's execution.
7. I get to appear on my favorite Late Night program "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno".
6. Certificate good for one free groin pull.
5. It's fine and all, but the good news is, I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico.
4. With the discount, beer is only 18 bucks.
3. More time to discuss with team doctor if Cialis is right for me.
2. Get to visit exotic, far-off destinations like Illinois!
1. Another two weeks of wearing a cup and showering with guys.
Leno: You can really tell the sign’s of fall are everywhere. The air’s a little crisper, the leaves changing, the Raiders are losing.
I guess you all heard about a deadly case of bird flu that was discovered last night ... causing severe choking. But enough about the St. Louis Cardinals.
Congratulations to the Houston Astros. Made it to the World Series for the first time in their 44-year history. President Bush called their clubhouse to congratulate the team. I think President Bush is a little confused. He said he called to prove to Kanye West that he really does care about Astro-Americans.
"You can tell it’s fall outside – today the Minnesota Vikings got a hayrack full of hookers."
Top Ten Perks Of Getting Into The World Series
10. If Steinbrenner wants me next year, my price is now a billion dollars!
9. Clemens used his AARP card to get us cheap hotel rooms.
8. World Series MVP gets to throw switch at Saddam's execution.
7. I get to appear on my favorite Late Night program "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno".
6. Certificate good for one free groin pull.
5. It's fine and all, but the good news is, I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico.
4. With the discount, beer is only 18 bucks.
3. More time to discuss with team doctor if Cialis is right for me.
2. Get to visit exotic, far-off destinations like Illinois!
1. Another two weeks of wearing a cup and showering with guys.
Leno: You can really tell the sign’s of fall are everywhere. The air’s a little crisper, the leaves changing, the Raiders are losing.
I guess you all heard about a deadly case of bird flu that was discovered last night ... causing severe choking. But enough about the St. Louis Cardinals.
Congratulations to the Houston Astros. Made it to the World Series for the first time in their 44-year history. President Bush called their clubhouse to congratulate the team. I think President Bush is a little confused. He said he called to prove to Kanye West that he really does care about Astro-Americans.
QUOTE
DCBucky:
Congratulations to the Houston Astros. Made it to the World Series for the first time in their 44-year history. President Bush called their clubhouse to congratulate the team. I think President Bush is a little confused. He said he called to prove to Kanye West that he really does care about Astro-Americans.
Wow that is one lame joke! Letterman is just so much funnier, IMO.
Congratulations to the Houston Astros. Made it to the World Series for the first time in their 44-year history. President Bush called their clubhouse to congratulate the team. I think President Bush is a little confused. He said he called to prove to Kanye West that he really does care about Astro-Americans.
QUOTE
DCBucky:
Top Ten Perks Of Getting Into The World Series
This was ready by Roy Oswalt of the Astros, for those who didn't see it.
Top Ten Perks Of Getting Into The World Series
QUOTE
FireMikeTiceNow:
Wow that is one lame joke! Letterman is just so much funnier, IMO.
No doubt -- just scroll up the thread to compare them and see how much Leno sucks.Wow that is one lame joke! Letterman is just so much funnier, IMO.
Two more from Letterman (not at his funniest though):
"You can tell it’s fall – earlier today I saw a Jets receiver drop a pumpkin."
"Did you see that baseball game last night? The longest World Series game ever. At about midnight Jose Canseco injected the players with shots of coffee."
Letterman:
The Country Music Association Awards were held tonight right over in Madison Square Garden. It was a big night for the Dixie Chicks. They beat the Knicks 112 to 94.
Leno:
A scientist thought the bird flu had reached the East Coast of the United States, but then he realized it was just the Philadelphia Eagles choking.
In yesterday’s election the city of Denver voted to legalize marijuana possession. Fifty-three percent approve of marijuana. In fact, today Ricky Williams demanded to be traded to the Broncos.
The NBA is back with a new dress code. NBA players can’t wear anything embarrassing to the league. Like a Clippers uniform.
The Country Music Association Awards were held tonight right over in Madison Square Garden. It was a big night for the Dixie Chicks. They beat the Knicks 112 to 94.
Leno:
A scientist thought the bird flu had reached the East Coast of the United States, but then he realized it was just the Philadelphia Eagles choking.
In yesterday’s election the city of Denver voted to legalize marijuana possession. Fifty-three percent approve of marijuana. In fact, today Ricky Williams demanded to be traded to the Broncos.
The NBA is back with a new dress code. NBA players can’t wear anything embarrassing to the league. Like a Clippers uniform.
some more from the past month or so:
almost all Leno (unfortunately):
This past weekend the United States held its 1000th execution. The USC-UCLA football game.
USC beat UCLA 66 to 19. I haven’t seen anything that lopsided since the last time I turned on Fox News.
66-19. Or as the University of Colorado calls it, a close game.
The only yardage UCLA gained all day was when their marching band took the field.
The Seattle Seahawks beat the Philadelphia Eagles 42-0. I thought torture had been outlawed. Even UCLA said, "You guys suck!"
Lucky you’re in California, how bout the weather back east? It was so cold in Philadelphia, you could see the Philadelphia Eagles last dying breath
President Bush came out again today for expanding his guest worker program. That’s the program where immigrants are eligible can take those low paying jobs no one wants. Like Dodgers manager.
A man was arrested for running on the field Sunday during the Green Bay Packers - Philadelphia Eagles game. He told police he was spreading his mother’s ashes on the field. His mother's ashes scored twice against the Packers.
The Associated Press is calling 2005 the Year of Disaster. The big three are hurricanes in America, earthquakes in Pakistan, and of course, the Philadelphia Eagles.
Letterman's Top 10 Perks of Winning the Heisman Trophy
(read by Reggie Bush)
10. Trophy can be used as ID at airports.
9. Now when Coach gives me pointer, fun to say, "And how many Heismans have you won?"
8. Lifetime supply of pigskin.
7. Microchip in the trophy gets me through E-Z Pass.
6. The trophy holds 10,000 songs.
5. Now maybe someone on the team will get a date besides pretty boy Matt Leinert.
4. Steinbrenner's trying to get me to sign with the Yankees.
3. I now have the world's most valuable paperweight.
2. I have the secret code for "Madden NFL '06" video game that lets me see John Madden naked.
1. You're the only Bush with an approval rating of over 40%.
almost all Leno (unfortunately):
This past weekend the United States held its 1000th execution. The USC-UCLA football game.
USC beat UCLA 66 to 19. I haven’t seen anything that lopsided since the last time I turned on Fox News.
66-19. Or as the University of Colorado calls it, a close game.
The only yardage UCLA gained all day was when their marching band took the field.
The Seattle Seahawks beat the Philadelphia Eagles 42-0. I thought torture had been outlawed. Even UCLA said, "You guys suck!"
Lucky you’re in California, how bout the weather back east? It was so cold in Philadelphia, you could see the Philadelphia Eagles last dying breath
President Bush came out again today for expanding his guest worker program. That’s the program where immigrants are eligible can take those low paying jobs no one wants. Like Dodgers manager.
A man was arrested for running on the field Sunday during the Green Bay Packers - Philadelphia Eagles game. He told police he was spreading his mother’s ashes on the field. His mother's ashes scored twice against the Packers.
The Associated Press is calling 2005 the Year of Disaster. The big three are hurricanes in America, earthquakes in Pakistan, and of course, the Philadelphia Eagles.
Letterman's Top 10 Perks of Winning the Heisman Trophy
(read by Reggie Bush)
10. Trophy can be used as ID at airports.
9. Now when Coach gives me pointer, fun to say, "And how many Heismans have you won?"
8. Lifetime supply of pigskin.
7. Microchip in the trophy gets me through E-Z Pass.
6. The trophy holds 10,000 songs.
5. Now maybe someone on the team will get a date besides pretty boy Matt Leinert.
4. Steinbrenner's trying to get me to sign with the Yankees.
3. I now have the world's most valuable paperweight.
2. I have the secret code for "Madden NFL '06" video game that lets me see John Madden naked.
1. You're the only Bush with an approval rating of over 40%.
Conan: The New York Mets announced they're launching their own cable channel. No word on what the channel will air during October.
Fidel Castro announced today that the Cuban team will play in the World Baseball Classic in Puerto Rico in 2006. In fact the team left today on a raft.
Penn State beat Florida State in three overtimes to win the Orange Bowl last night. Penn State is coached by 79 year old Joe Paterno. He was thrilled over the win once the team woke him up and told him about it.
Leno: As you know, the Seahawks beat the Carolina Panthers 34-14. This is the most disappointing thing for Panther fans since they fired those lesbian cheerleaders.
So it’s the Steelers and the Seahawks in the Super Bowl. So you’ve got Pittsburgh, the city known for Rocky Blier, Frank O’Harris, Terry Bradshaw, Mean Joe Green. And Seattle, the city where Bill Gates is from.
Last night in a game against the Bulls, New York Knicks forward Antonio Davis went into the crowd to defend his wife against an unruly fan. How refreshing is that? An NBA player who actually wants to spend time with his wife!
NBC announced plans today for 416 hours of Olympic coverage next month. 416 hours. That’s almost as much as they play 'Law & Order'.
Did you all watch the Rose Bowl? Or as Longhorn fans now call it, the Yellow Rose of Texas Bowl. They’re calling the game the best thing to happen to Texas since the invention or pork rinds.
What was Reggie Bush thinking trying to lateral that ball in the red zone? A guy named Bush making a bonehead move. What are the odds? Has that ever happened?
Did you watch the Orange Bowl? You had Florida State coached by 76 year old Bobby Bowden against Penn State coached by 79 year old Joe Paterno. No wonder the game was played in South Florida.
In fact, when the game was over the players dumped a huge bucket of Metamucil over Paterno’s head.
Letterman's Top Ten Surprising Facts about Osama bin Laden
10. Plans to release next threatening videotape in high-definition.
9. In the seventies, had a gay fling with the Blind Sheikh.
8. Secretly likes kosher pickles.
7. Middle name: Duane.
6. Stole "Death to America" catchphrase from Fran Tarkenton.
5. Got cave hooked up with Sirius so he could listen to Howard Stern.
4. Knows all the words to the Black Eyed Peas song, "My Humps."
3. After Colts lost to Steelers, declared Jihad on Mike Vanderjagt.
2. Has a bumper sticker that reads, "Don't blame me, I voted for Kerry."
1. The son-of-a-bitch is still alive.
Fidel Castro announced today that the Cuban team will play in the World Baseball Classic in Puerto Rico in 2006. In fact the team left today on a raft.
Penn State beat Florida State in three overtimes to win the Orange Bowl last night. Penn State is coached by 79 year old Joe Paterno. He was thrilled over the win once the team woke him up and told him about it.
Leno: As you know, the Seahawks beat the Carolina Panthers 34-14. This is the most disappointing thing for Panther fans since they fired those lesbian cheerleaders.
So it’s the Steelers and the Seahawks in the Super Bowl. So you’ve got Pittsburgh, the city known for Rocky Blier, Frank O’Harris, Terry Bradshaw, Mean Joe Green. And Seattle, the city where Bill Gates is from.
Last night in a game against the Bulls, New York Knicks forward Antonio Davis went into the crowd to defend his wife against an unruly fan. How refreshing is that? An NBA player who actually wants to spend time with his wife!
NBC announced plans today for 416 hours of Olympic coverage next month. 416 hours. That’s almost as much as they play 'Law & Order'.
Did you all watch the Rose Bowl? Or as Longhorn fans now call it, the Yellow Rose of Texas Bowl. They’re calling the game the best thing to happen to Texas since the invention or pork rinds.
What was Reggie Bush thinking trying to lateral that ball in the red zone? A guy named Bush making a bonehead move. What are the odds? Has that ever happened?
Did you watch the Orange Bowl? You had Florida State coached by 76 year old Bobby Bowden against Penn State coached by 79 year old Joe Paterno. No wonder the game was played in South Florida.
In fact, when the game was over the players dumped a huge bucket of Metamucil over Paterno’s head.
Letterman's Top Ten Surprising Facts about Osama bin Laden
10. Plans to release next threatening videotape in high-definition.
9. In the seventies, had a gay fling with the Blind Sheikh.
8. Secretly likes kosher pickles.
7. Middle name: Duane.
6. Stole "Death to America" catchphrase from Fran Tarkenton.
5. Got cave hooked up with Sirius so he could listen to Howard Stern.
4. Knows all the words to the Black Eyed Peas song, "My Humps."
3. After Colts lost to Steelers, declared Jihad on Mike Vanderjagt.
2. Has a bumper sticker that reads, "Don't blame me, I voted for Kerry."
1. The son-of-a-bitch is still alive.
ahem......
FRANK O'HARRIS?!?
funny, he didn't look irish.
FRANK O'HARRIS?!?
funny, he didn't look irish.
I read that and didn't even pick up on it -- I'm assuming that Bucky copied and pasted that from the Tonight Show website and that's where the mistake came from. After all, Jay Leno's an idiot and probably wouldn't have noticed either -- that's probably how they wrote it out on the cue card. wink
Al Michaels traded for a
Truth stranger than fiction indeed.
QUOTE
cartoon rabbit named Oswald the Lucky Rabbit.
And it's not even a joke.Truth stranger than fiction indeed.
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