Special report by your expert correspondents Dick Headberg, Peter Bozo
and Mary Gorilla.
***SOME STRONG LANGUAGE AND EXPLETIVES***

In a shock development, tennis star Roger Federer was in custody last
night after a drunken altercation in a trendy New York nightspot.
Police were called to the club only hours after Federer completed his
third successive win in the US Open championships after reports that
the normally mild-mannered Swiss was involved in a heated argument with
another tennis star. According to the club's owner, "Well, I'm
American so I know nothing about tennis, but this Freddie Rare guy
seemed to be minding his own business when he got involved in a row
with some Swedish guy". Police have since confirmed the identity of
the "Swedish guy" as one Mats Wilander, 42, originally from Vaxjo,
Sweden, but now living an almost reclusive existence in some goddam
place in the Idaho mountains.


"Yeah, right, the curly guy started mouthing off to the other guy
about something", confirmed another unnamed eye-witness. "I
couldn't really hear what it was about, except that he kept shouting
'No Balls! No Balls' for some reason. The gay-looking fella with
the big nose started laughing, but then got annoyed when curly-head
kept giving him the same shit. Eventually he dropped his pants and
thrust his testicles in the Swede's face shouting "Look at the size
of these!" He was also screaming some stuff about losing to a clown
called Mecir at someplace called Wimpleton. What the hell was all that
about? Then all hell broke loose with punches being thrown and
eventually the Swiss guy was dragged away by the cops. I've never
seen anything like it".


When queried, Wilander replied "Hey, d'you know where I can score some
high-grade shit? I'm all out of it after last night".


Senior figures in the American tennis establishment were quick to
condemn Federer's behaviour. Alien Kantankerous, chief of the USTA
said "Federer is a disgrace to the sport. He should be stripped of
his US Open title after this episode and it should be awarded to Andy
Roddick. It might be the only way he could ever win it, but who
cares". Roddick's coach, Jimmy Connors agreed. "Federer should
be a role model for young kids, just like I was when I was playing".
Even Federer's nice-guy quarter-final victim James Flake commented
"Federer? He's a f**king c**t!".


Andre Agassi was moved to comment, with tears in his eyes, "The
scoreboard says I lost, but what it doesn't say is ...", before
someone told him to shut the f**k up already.


When told of the incident, Federer's girlfriend "Porker" Vavrinec
replied "Can't this wait until the morning? It's just that the
Dunkin Donuts van has just arrived and I have a shitload of those
suckers to get through tonight".


Back home in Sydney, Tony Coach was woken from slumber to be told of
the bizarre goings-on. "Roger who? Oh yeah, that guy I see from time
to time. Actually, I was watching the match on TV but fell asleep -
did he win? Yeah? Jammy bastard - his volleys are still shithouse but
luckily the other bloke's a complete clown. Anyway, I'm going back
to bed".


This has been a special CBS (Complete Bullshit Sports) report. Stay
tuned for our next gripping exclusive "Henman and Murray go deep in
Paris - shocking revelations of "Tiger" Tim and "Miserable
Bastard" Andy's torrid three-in-a-bed romp with Miss Hilton - hey
hey!!!"

P.S. To be read in good humor

-courtesy gregorawe of r.s.t. I thought it was hilarious. Enjoy!!

[ September 11, 2006, 03:48 PM: Message edited by: fearsomeforehand ]