Full Version: Gay Jock Struggles With Coming Out
Thought you'd all find interesting this terrific piece by Eric Anderson on a gay high school basketball star in Indiana and his struggles with whether to come out.
Thanks, Jim & Eric! Great story about how things are in my home state. One good thing: they're much better now than they were 30 years ago! At either IU (no more Bobby Knight) or Purdue (no-nonsense academic school), I think Blake would be able to be himself AND be a hoop star. I wish him all the luck in the world!
Oh.My.Goodness.
I mean, not that I'm surprised after everything else I've read, even on this site ... I'm sure there are thousands of "Blakes" out there ... but this young man's story (he's no kid after what he's been through) is so intense, I damn near cried reading it (and that takes a lot).
Also, from what I know about "Coach Gumby" and his experiences, I wouldn't doubt that he relived some of his own pain in writing this article.
The part about parents and the community emphasizing athletics over academics is so true. Indiana is the kind of state where some high schools have 10,000-seat gyms for basketball (but can't get bond issues for classrooms approved). It's "Friday Night Lights" indoors. That pressure intensifies the link people make between athletics and manhood -- and if, to them, that means exclusively heterosexual manhood, the wall of fear takes on Berlin proportions. :mad:
Anyway ... to add to gmginsfo's comments, here are some links:
Indiana University's Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual & Transgender Student Support Services
Purdue University Resources for the Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, & Transgendered Communities
Neither Bloomington nor West Lafayette is a big city, but the schools are big enough and diverse enough (like most Big Ten or comparable schools) to allow for a lot of the same freedom that big cities offer.
Also, I know some of the staff at the IU support services office, and they're about the best friends a gay student could have. I'd love to see Blake go there, but hey, I'm biased.
Anyway, hope this helps! All the best to you, man!
Edited to add: Now that I think of it, the Hoosiers could use the help!!!
[ January 30, 2003, 05:51 PM: Message edited by: danimal ]
I mean, not that I'm surprised after everything else I've read, even on this site ... I'm sure there are thousands of "Blakes" out there ... but this young man's story (he's no kid after what he's been through) is so intense, I damn near cried reading it (and that takes a lot).
Also, from what I know about "Coach Gumby" and his experiences, I wouldn't doubt that he relived some of his own pain in writing this article.
The part about parents and the community emphasizing athletics over academics is so true. Indiana is the kind of state where some high schools have 10,000-seat gyms for basketball (but can't get bond issues for classrooms approved). It's "Friday Night Lights" indoors. That pressure intensifies the link people make between athletics and manhood -- and if, to them, that means exclusively heterosexual manhood, the wall of fear takes on Berlin proportions. :mad:
Anyway ... to add to gmginsfo's comments, here are some links:
Indiana University's Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual & Transgender Student Support Services
Purdue University Resources for the Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, & Transgendered Communities
Neither Bloomington nor West Lafayette is a big city, but the schools are big enough and diverse enough (like most Big Ten or comparable schools) to allow for a lot of the same freedom that big cities offer.
Also, I know some of the staff at the IU support services office, and they're about the best friends a gay student could have. I'd love to see Blake go there, but hey, I'm biased.
Anyway, hope this helps! All the best to you, man!
Edited to add: Now that I think of it, the Hoosiers could use the help!!!
[ January 30, 2003, 05:51 PM: Message edited by: danimal ]
Reading this story made me get as close to crying as I get. After reading it, it just makes you want to give this young man a hug. Blake has lived more lifetimes in the past five years than a lot of people, and dealt with it with a stoicism and steeliness that I don't think I could have summoned if in the same situation. All the very best to you, fella. May you get everything you wish for.
[ January 30, 2003, 06:26 PM: Message edited by: cubsfan1982 ]
[ January 30, 2003, 06:26 PM: Message edited by: cubsfan1982 ]
This was a real warm story. I have always believed that of the four major team sports, the NBA will be where we first see an openly gay active player. How many Garrison Hearsts, John Rockers or Jeremy Shockeys are there really in the NBA? I just don't think there are many of those "I would never shower with a fag" types in the NBA.
I teared up when I read about how he found out about his boyfriend's death and was still hazy when he said he came out to his brother.
My younger brother experimented on me before telling everyone else that he had gotten married. Only later I learned his wife was white (we're black) and for him that was as traumatic as coming out.
I didn't appreciate that then but Eric Anderson's story has really made me think, something that Blake would probably be happy about.
[ February 04, 2003, 08:18 AM: Message edited by: sportinlife ]
My younger brother experimented on me before telling everyone else that he had gotten married. Only later I learned his wife was white (we're black) and for him that was as traumatic as coming out.
I didn't appreciate that then but Eric Anderson's story has really made me think, something that Blake would probably be happy about.
[ February 04, 2003, 08:18 AM: Message edited by: sportinlife ]
Comrades:
I don't think that the Indiana and Purdue GLBCs would be much help to this gay basketball player. Many times the Athletic Department is the most conservative office in college campuses and they would not want their athletes (yes, the Athletic Departments can be so possessive!) to go to questionable areas of the same campus - such as the GLBC.
Even though the AD and the GLBC may be on the same campus, it does not mean that the AD actively supports the GLBC!
Many times the college administration may be liberal and supportive to many student needs and causes BUT the AD is a different world - even on the same campus! Many times the AD is self-funded with football revenues and basketball revenues, and they can be quite independent of the college administration.
Remember Bob Knight and the IU administration? smile
Even though our friend does go to Indiana University or Purdue, he may not be able to use the local GLBC!
Mikestead
I don't think that the Indiana and Purdue GLBCs would be much help to this gay basketball player. Many times the Athletic Department is the most conservative office in college campuses and they would not want their athletes (yes, the Athletic Departments can be so possessive!) to go to questionable areas of the same campus - such as the GLBC.
Even though the AD and the GLBC may be on the same campus, it does not mean that the AD actively supports the GLBC!
Many times the college administration may be liberal and supportive to many student needs and causes BUT the AD is a different world - even on the same campus! Many times the AD is self-funded with football revenues and basketball revenues, and they can be quite independent of the college administration.
Remember Bob Knight and the IU administration? smile
Even though our friend does go to Indiana University or Purdue, he may not be able to use the local GLBC!
Mikestead
Like "Blake" and his brother, I first sought acceptance, almost in apology. I was happy (relieved) that a good friend said they still liked me-- "Hell, is this amazing or what!....they didn't dump me." These good friends are good people, but I was obsessed at not being rejected rather than maturing a sexual identity.
My best mate these days is a straight rugby official who is way too confident in his sexuality and interests to worry/care about my sexual identity. But we like training together, he has introduced me to some big rugby names, and we get on with more important things like--play. And damn it all, he's a better person for being with me! I now think of myself as a man who likes men rather than just "gay". I'm just a variation in maleness.
We don't grow by sympathy, maybe a bit of empathy, but the real arrival point is irrelevance. So, "Blake" and others, though acceptance may be a first step, go for the point or irrelevance. You are a man, a variety of male.
[For the record, I went to Purdue because I could not afford going outside the state. I suggest a school based on what "Blake" wants, not percieved gay support groups. Get into the mix and laugh a lot in your first year.]
[ January 31, 2003, 11:51 AM: Message edited by: Tom Brooks ]
My best mate these days is a straight rugby official who is way too confident in his sexuality and interests to worry/care about my sexual identity. But we like training together, he has introduced me to some big rugby names, and we get on with more important things like--play. And damn it all, he's a better person for being with me! I now think of myself as a man who likes men rather than just "gay". I'm just a variation in maleness.
We don't grow by sympathy, maybe a bit of empathy, but the real arrival point is irrelevance. So, "Blake" and others, though acceptance may be a first step, go for the point or irrelevance. You are a man, a variety of male.
[For the record, I went to Purdue because I could not afford going outside the state. I suggest a school based on what "Blake" wants, not percieved gay support groups. Get into the mix and laugh a lot in your first year.]
[ January 31, 2003, 11:51 AM: Message edited by: Tom Brooks ]
QUOTE
mikestead:
Even though the AD and the GLBC may be on the same campus, it does not mean that the AD actively supports the GLBC!
Good point, Mike! Athletics is often self-funded, especially at the Division I level, where the scholarship money is.Even though the AD and the GLBC may be on the same campus, it does not mean that the AD actively supports the GLBC!
Let me clarify why I brought up the student services angle.
- Athletics is indeed separate from student services -- and from admissions/recruiting. I've met a number of admissions staffers (and many are gay, BTW), and they're trained to tell athletic prospects to contact the athletic department directly (to avoid appearances of favoritism in admissions). However, admissions reps can (and should) inform prospective students of available support services.
- Whatever school \"Blake\" goes to, he needs to find out the climate before deciding to go there. If he waits till he's enrolled, all he can do is adapt. Many Division I schools, especially public ones, have GLBCs, and they've all dealt with closeted or \"questioning\" students (and prospective students). They can offer advice on what the real climate is and how a prospective student can find what's best for him or her. Also, many colleges' web sites include links to diversity offices, so prospective students can find out how to contact them.
- If academics is as important to Blake as athletics, if not more so, and athletics is basically a way to pay for it ... then he should be aware that \"many are called but few are chosen\" for full rides. Any athletic scouts who haven't found him by his junior year might not find him at all. There are ways to get their attention (sending highlight videos and such), but it's still a \"buyer's market\" (the schools being the \"buyers\"). Even the best athlete needs a Plan B that doesn't depend on athletics ... and if \"diversity\" is an issue, that Plan B needs to allow for it.
In any case, "Blake" is an individual, with individual needs and desires, and I agree totally that he needs to figure out what's best for him personally. Wherever he ends up going, and on whatever basis, that school will benefit by his presence.
Hope that helps. :cool:
[ January 31, 2003, 02:35 PM: Message edited by: danimal ]
QUOTE
Tom Brooks:
I now think of myself as a man who likes men rather than just \"gay\". I'm just a variation in maleness. ... You are a man, a variety of male.
Excellent point! Couldn't agree more! Thanks for bringing it up. :cool:
I now think of myself as a man who likes men rather than just \"gay\". I'm just a variation in maleness. ... You are a man, a variety of male.
I don't have the slightest idea of what that means: You're not just gay, you're a variety of maleness?! I'm sorry but I can't help but be suspicious when "gay" is dismissed (or worse, sort of set aside) like that. Mostly because that means you're still reacting to other's negative definition of gay, like oh, let's just blend in. We're gay, we're not irrelevent. If people have a problem with that or with the term, that's their problem. And I mean this with all respect.
Blake. What a kid. What a trip. He loses his lover and there's no one to talk to. It just sucks. But, hey, he sounds like a guy who's really thinking deeply about who he is and what he wants to do...and I think as long as he doesn't spend too much time trying to please his parents and others...he's definitely going to land on his feet whether that's on a basketball court or in a classroom. He'll be a very substantial adult, of that I'm sure. God bless him.
Blake. What a kid. What a trip. He loses his lover and there's no one to talk to. It just sucks. But, hey, he sounds like a guy who's really thinking deeply about who he is and what he wants to do...and I think as long as he doesn't spend too much time trying to please his parents and others...he's definitely going to land on his feet whether that's on a basketball court or in a classroom. He'll be a very substantial adult, of that I'm sure. God bless him.
Hi brian d., I was afriad that might be misunderstood and sorry about that. Words like "gay," "queer," "fagggot," "poof" are all fine and none offend me. Do call me gay, queer, faggot, and poof and more, but more basic, I'm a person. That word "person" puts me on common ground with my species--I am a variety of person.
More basic, I like what I am. Gay is a great word. But I also like the word "male" and being male. But of course I like being gay too. On a sidebar, I'm not too keen on labeling people as black and white and stereotypes in general. But male, I understand male. I'm all for it.
Good point and thanks for raising it.
[ January 31, 2003, 02:18 PM: Message edited by: Tom Brooks ]
More basic, I like what I am. Gay is a great word. But I also like the word "male" and being male. But of course I like being gay too. On a sidebar, I'm not too keen on labeling people as black and white and stereotypes in general. But male, I understand male. I'm all for it.
Good point and thanks for raising it.
[ January 31, 2003, 02:18 PM: Message edited by: Tom Brooks ]
I'm sure a lot of us relived some pretty hellish moments in our own High School experiences reading the account of Blake's struggles. I may not be thrilled he was dating a 21-year old (or that he lied about his age to do it), but I nearly lost it when I read the man had died - I can't imagine what it must have been like to go through that alone.
Don't get me wrong, I totally understand why Blake did what he did when he lied about his age, and there is a part of me that wishes I had the guts to actually attempt to date someone back in High School. I am also thrilled to hear that the Internet has become a lifeline for gay kids without anyone else to talk to.
I sincerely hope Blake continues to update us on how he is doing. As for the college choice, if he does get to be valedictorian (or even close to it), he will likely have many more scholarship choices than only athletic ones. I would advise Blake to keep looking for both academic and athletic scholarships - after all you can lose an athletic scholarship if you fail to make the team, get injured or decide to stop playing. Keep your grades up and you can pretty easily keep an academic scholarship. It is sad to say, but it may also be easier to come out on campus if Blake is not an athlete.
Good luck Blake, and know that there are lots of us (to steal one poster's screen name) out there rooting for you.
Don't get me wrong, I totally understand why Blake did what he did when he lied about his age, and there is a part of me that wishes I had the guts to actually attempt to date someone back in High School. I am also thrilled to hear that the Internet has become a lifeline for gay kids without anyone else to talk to.
I sincerely hope Blake continues to update us on how he is doing. As for the college choice, if he does get to be valedictorian (or even close to it), he will likely have many more scholarship choices than only athletic ones. I would advise Blake to keep looking for both academic and athletic scholarships - after all you can lose an athletic scholarship if you fail to make the team, get injured or decide to stop playing. Keep your grades up and you can pretty easily keep an academic scholarship. It is sad to say, but it may also be easier to come out on campus if Blake is not an athlete.
Good luck Blake, and know that there are lots of us (to steal one poster's screen name) out there rooting for you.
QUOTE
Tom Brooks:
More basic, I like what I am. Gay is a great word. But I also like the word \"male\" and being male. But of course I like being gay too.
That's what I thought you meant, and that's why I agreed. :cool:
More basic, I like what I am. Gay is a great word. But I also like the word \"male\" and being male. But of course I like being gay too.
QUOTE
CPT_Doom:
I would advise Blake to keep looking for both academic and athletic scholarships - after all you can lose an athletic scholarship if you fail to make the team, get injured or decide to stop playing. Keep your grades up and you can pretty easily keep an academic scholarship.
Another great point ... especially in light of what Blake says is most important to him. Student athletes are, after all, students.
I would advise Blake to keep looking for both academic and athletic scholarships - after all you can lose an athletic scholarship if you fail to make the team, get injured or decide to stop playing. Keep your grades up and you can pretty easily keep an academic scholarship.
Well said, Tom. Now I understand and actually completely agree with you.
I was in love in high school, too, but I sure didn't know what gay was yet. My first sexual experience with a guy was with the one i was in love with but, well, let's just say, he wasn't the most sensitive star baseball player out there...I assume that my experience is the most common for a not yet out high school boy. Very rocky terrain...
I was in love in high school, too, but I sure didn't know what gay was yet. My first sexual experience with a guy was with the one i was in love with but, well, let's just say, he wasn't the most sensitive star baseball player out there...I assume that my experience is the most common for a not yet out high school boy. Very rocky terrain...
That was one of the best stories that I've read in any medium about high school athletics, let alone a gay athlete.
The writer is to be commended for an excellent article.
The writer is to be commended for an excellent article.
QUOTE
danimal
Wherever he ends up going, and on whatever basis, that school will benefit by his presence.
[/QB]
Well said, Danimal....to echo the sentiments of several other Outsporters, that was one of the most inspirational, uplifting, yet heartbreaking stories I have read in a long time and after reading the column several times, it still brings tears to my eyes....the tremendous strength and courage that "Blake" has exhibited "off the court" surpass the stellar accomplishments that he has already achieved in the game of basketball....I hope he continues to listen to his heart, in which case there is little doubt in my mind that Blake will be successful in whatever field of endeavor he chooses to pursue, largely because he will positively impact the lives of others -- and few achievements are more important or rewarding than that IMHO.Wherever he ends up going, and on whatever basis, that school will benefit by his presence.
[/QB]
I, too, hope that we learn more about Blake in the future and, if he is not already a member of Outsports, I think it would be great if he contributed to this outstanding site (anonymously, of course) so that countless others can continue to benefit from his many outstanding attributes....I would be remiss if I didn't pass on my thanks to "Coach Gumby" (Eric Anderson) for his obvious significant contributions to the story.
Well done, all around, guys....it's stories like Blake's that make this site so great!
QUOTE
gamecock:
Well said, Danimal
Thanks! Well said, Danimal
And thanks to Coach Gumby -- and Jim and Cyd at Outsports -- for sharing this story with us!
By the way, I'm told that "Blake" is pleasantly surprised by all the attention ... and is glad to hear that we're rooting for him. I hope that he and other young men (and women) in similar situations find this site helpful.
Wow! I would have never thought my story would have gotten the response it has! I've been trying to answer each and every email, although I may have missed a few (I'm sorry!). Nevertheless, as someone previously stated, I feel truly blessed to have had the support I have garnered. It's almost a bit overwhelming, although in a good way :-) In fact, I really don't know what to say other than thanks. I'm really trying to use the abilities God has given me to make something of myself. The schoolwork's piling up. We're nearing sectional play (4-5 weeks), but that's what it's all about :-) To whomever reads this ... Thank you. Keep me in your prayers, and God bless each of you!
I think things will work out pretty well for you, Blake. You seem like you have a good head on your shoulders and you have a lot of inner strength--more than you may think. Best of luck to you.
Hi Blake. I edited my previous post to take out the quotes because I thought the name might have been a pseudonym to protect your privacy.
My favorite quote from you in the article was:
[ February 04, 2003, 04:49 PM: Message edited by: sportinlife ]
My favorite quote from you in the article was:
QUOTE
“My grades are the most important thing to me. I love learning. I eat it up. I love writing papers. I write 15 copies before turning them in. I just love doing them.”
Too many athletes consider intellect a sissy phenomenon. I hope guys like you help change that. Good luck. I'm glad you checked in with us.[ February 04, 2003, 04:49 PM: Message edited by: sportinlife ]
"Blake"? I have no words. Guys, do we still say, "You go!"? If so, then go! And go well in whatever you choose -- academics or sports. And keep us posted when you have the time. Know that you have a large community backing you in spirit.
QUOTE
dwb56:
Know that you have a large community backing you in spirit.
In fact, I think we should adopt Blake and Jordan as our gay jock younger brothers... There'll be no limit to the size of our family, or to the pride, affection and admiration we feel! Know that you have a large community backing you in spirit.
Purdue and Indiana are great schools, Blake, but just across the border is another school that focuses on academics, that is quite gay-friendly, that offers ample athletic and academic scholarships, and that would REALLY welcome your brains AND talents:
Northwestern University! (Ranked 10th in the U.S. by US NEWS & WORLD REPORTS)
And just think, the huge (and admittedly frigid) city of Chicago, with its large gay community, is one El or Metra stop away.
Good luck with everything and I wish you the best!
[ February 09, 2003, 04:13 PM: Message edited by: fantomas ]
Northwestern University! (Ranked 10th in the U.S. by US NEWS & WORLD REPORTS)
And just think, the huge (and admittedly frigid) city of Chicago, with its large gay community, is one El or Metra stop away.
Good luck with everything and I wish you the best!
[ February 09, 2003, 04:13 PM: Message edited by: fantomas ]
Just wanted to add my voice to the crowd. Nice job Blake! The article is awesome, it could've been about me a few years ago. Same state, same sport. I now coach in the same state and the same sport. Hang in there guy, things will work out. You'll see.
QUOTE
fantomas:
And just think, the huge (and admittedly frigid) city of Chicago, with its large gay community, is one El or Metra stop away.
Good point ... although that community is tough to fit into if you're too young to get into a bar legally (and getting in illegally is a doubly risky for public figures like athletes). The community center is several years and many dollars away from completion, and except for on-campus student groups (of which I'm sure Northwestern has one), the "youth organizations" are geared mostly to high school rather than college students. And just think, the huge (and admittedly frigid) city of Chicago, with its large gay community, is one El or Metra stop away.
Also, Northwestern is a private school, so it's even more expensive than out-of-state publics ... so it's probably only affordable with a full scholarship. UIC might be more attainable.
Other big-city options ... Maryland (within commuting distance of DC), Minnesota (in the heart of chilly but progessive Minneapolis), Cal-Berkeley (just a BART ride away from The City), UCLA, anything in NYC or northeast Jersey (Rutgers?), any of the zillion colleges in Boston ... other suggestions welcome.
Personally, I think there's something to be said for going to college in a "college town" and moving to a big city after graduation. Many college towns are progressive to a fault (like Madison, in my home state), diverse, and relatively gay-friendly, even if the gay communities in those towns are on the small side.
Either way, if going out of state is an option, I suggest checking out schools on the web ... and especially looking at web sites of campus and near-campus newspapers to see what's not on the official school sites (like reports of, and protests against, hate crimes). Make a top-5 or top-10 list and work from there.
http://www.princetonreview.com/college/res...gs/rankings.asp
"The Best 345 Colleges," published by The Princeton Review, discusses how "gay-friendly" various colleges are.
"The Best 345 Colleges," published by The Princeton Review, discusses how "gay-friendly" various colleges are.
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