Letterman: The Westminster Kennel Club dog show ended last night. There was a lot of trouble there. When the judges announced that a French Poodle had won the competition, a Canadian Poodle when nuts.

Last night, 30 million people watched the Olympics. The only people not watching the Olympics were the figure skating judges.

My mother loves the Olympics. But she was a little upset. The other night, she was watching the events and screaming 'damn commies' at the screen. ...

Leno: They are giving out over 250,000 condoms at the Olympics. Most of those are expected to be used by those getting screwed by the pro-Russian judges.

The skating decision is called the worst decision ever made not involving an L.A. jury.

The Canadians were good sports, though. Today they said it was an honor just to get screwed out of a gold medal.

Pat Buchanan even weighed in on the skating controversy today. He said this was bound to happen if you let foreigners into the Olympics.

Letterman: "... the Westminster Kennel Club show finished up. There was more controversy, an Afghan hound was disqualified because of its ties to the Taliban. ...

If you still don't have a date for Valentine's Day, you should call that French figure skating judge. She can be pressured into screwing anybody" ("Late Show," CBS, 2/14).

TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR OLYMPIC EVENT IS FIXED
10. Medal ceremony takes place before the event.
9. In the middle of your figure skating routine, you're run over by the Zamboni.
8. You see five heads in the four-man bobsled.
7. Instead of scores, the P.A. system announces bribes given to judges.
6. Event judged by former Enron CEO Kenneth Lay.
5. You hear the Child of Light wants you to take a dive or else.
4. You see six judges and a figure skater check into a Holiday Inn.
3. It's curling, and everyone knows curling is controlled by the Mafia.
2. You lose to this... (video of people bowling on ice)
1. For some reason, it's being promoted by Don King

Leno: "I hired a handyman to do stuff around the house. He's great. He's French. One thing we have learned from the Olympics is, the French can fix anything. ... People are now saying that Olympic Figure Skating is rigged. Today the International Figure Skating President, Vince McMahon, denied it. ... The head of the French Olympic team now says that the French ice skating judge was pressured by Russian judges to collaborate. Come on, the French collaborating? That never happens ...

I'm just glad Tonya Harding got out of this sport before it got ugly. She was able to leave with her integrity. ...

Leno: "It was nice to see the Canadian figure skaters finally get their gold medal. It's funny how things work out. One minute you're in second place. Then there is this huge controversy. Everybody's protesting. It's on the front page. Next thing you know you're in first place. You know right about now, Al Gore is going, 'Hey what about me?' ... The French judge was suspended. They say this was the worst call by a French official since they let that shoe bomber get on the plane.

Letterman:
TOP TEN WAYS TO MAKE CURLING MORE EXCITING
10. How about calling it anything but "curling?"
9. Instead of weird lookin' Norwegian dudes in sweaters -- babes in lingerie.
8. Only allow French judges.
7. Sweep the stone toward the hog line and then ... okay, I don't know crap about curling.
6. Is it too much to ask for one curler to bite another curler?
5. Throw in one of them miniature-golf windmills.
4. Instead of a granite stone, use the frozen head of Walt Disney.
3. 40% of final score comes from the swimsuit competition.
2. You don't think curling is exciting? What are you, insane?
1. First place gets gold medal, the rest are sent to Camp X-Ray.

Letterman: Are you boiling over with Olympic fever? I went into a supermarket today and right there on a box of Wheaties is a picture of that crooked French skating judge. ...

I heard today that all figure skating scores will be authenticated by Arthur Andersen. ...

Here now is the new system for judging figure skating. Contestants will be judged on how they move, they will be judged on the difficulty of the move and, of course, the execution. It's the same system Clinton used to judge interns"

Leno: "I'll tell you what's really getting crazy. Ticket scalping at the Olympics. ... They're getting $5 a piece now for curling tickets. Can you believe it? ...

Boy it's been cold in Salt Lake. Did you see Bob Costas? He was blue. He was actually blue. In fact, last night he was mistaken for a Smurf."

Boy if nothing else, these posts show us how funny Letterman is and Leno isn't. I remember when Leno use to be kind of edgy.

Anyway, thanks for posting these. Most nights I am sound asleep by the time Dave comes on. When I do catch it, I always get more than a few chuckles!

Leno: "Women's figure skating: the one time guys will watch women dancing without a pole. ... Did you know that the average female figure skater weighs 90 pounds? Or, as supermodels call them, big fat cows. ...

Today, two American women won the gold and silver in the women's skeleton -- Joan Rivers and her daughter Melissa. ...

Yesterday, flights out of Louisville, Kentucky were delayed because an airport security worker fell asleep. Turns out it was not the security worker's fault. Apparently he had been watching curling on the Olympics. ...

Letterman: "Did you all seen Michelle Kwan last night? The good news is that she's leading after the first round of competition. What happened was that the French judge accidentally voted for the best skater ...

Have you been following the story on this female French judge? They say that she is emotionally fragile and easily manipulated. And I'm wondering, how do you meet women like that? ...

The IOC is changing how these things are judged. They're replacing a 9 member panel with a 14 member panel. That way, it will be too expensive to bribe all 14 of them ...

Here's a warning to tourists in New York City. If you're in Times Square, and you seen an advertisement for a four man bob, that may not have anything to do with the Winter Olympics ...

... AND NON-OLYMPIC JOKE BONUSES FOR ALL YOU OUTSPORTERS:
Letterman: Here's news from the world of prize fighting. Mike Tyson, crazy Mike, he has been granted a license to fight in Washington DC. I was thinking about this earlier. I don't think Washington has had a legitimate heavyweight since Monica" ("Late Show," CBS, 2/20).

TOP TEN WAYS I'LL IMPROVE NEW YORK CITY(As read by NYC Mayor Mike Bloomberg)
10. I'll personally pay every New Yorker's rent for the next four years.
9. Get caught jaywalking and we'll impound your shoes.
8. Once a week a different New Yorker has to mow Central Park.
7. Subway cars now equipped with a complimentary all-you-can-eat soup and salad bar.
6. Every weekend bare-knuckle boxing matches on front lawn of Gracie Mansion.
5. Free full-body massages from your cabbie.
4. I'm renaming the city "Funkytown."
3. Mandatory ten o'clock curfew for Bill Clinton.
2. If a car alarm goes off, call me and I'll personally come and tow it.
1. Okay, Arizona, you had your fun -- now we're coming to get our World Series trophy.

Leno: "Olympic figure skating is intense. You really get into it. You're rooting for them because you are so afraid they're going to fall on their face. It's kind of like watching President Bush give a big speech. ...

Bob Costas is doing a helluva job. He loves the Olympics. He's very emotional. He said when he saw the Americans win all that gold, it made him feel five feet tall. ...

283 of our athletes worked for Home Depot while they trained. That's why you can never find an employee when you go in there. ...

Letterman: "I've been watching a lot of figure skating at the Olympics this year. Maybe it was the second night that I started to realize that I'm actually enjoying the figure skating. Frankly, that makes me nervous. ...

They have these events where everybody goes down on this glare ice track. They're fairly similar:

In the one, you go down on your back.
The other one, you go down on your stomach.
The third one, I think, you go down sitting up.
Now, I don't have a punchline for this.
But if I did, it would include the word 'Clinton'

[ February 22, 2002: Message edited by: DCBucky ]

Sorry to be late with this one, but the night after the alleged judging ripoff of the Canadian pair, Jon Stewart said:

"It's hard to believe, but NBC analyst Scott Hamilton had to choke back tears ... OK, it's not that hard to believe."

Letterman: This is the last weekend of the Winter Olympics. If you haven't picked up your gold medals yet, this is your last chance to do it. ...

Here's the Olympic medal total so far. Free world: 168 medals. Axis of Evil: 0. ...

A lot of people don't really think of figure skating as an Olympic sport. But don't kid yourself, there's a high risk of head, knee and chin injuries. Just like being a Clinton intern.

Leno: "The average figure skater weighs 90 pounds. And that is with the gold medal. ...

Russia is so upset about the judging at the Olympics that they are threatening to pull out of the closing ceremonies. Wooooo. Hey they have a lot of bargaining power here. 'Give us what we want or we won't walk around in a circle when the games are over. ...

The FBI announced today they have confiscated more than 30,000 phony Olympic pins. They are made in China, as opposed to the real ones, which are made in Korea. ... How bad do you have to screw up at FBI training school to get that assignment? 'Hey Jones! You and Smith look for Osama bin Laden. Reilly, you track down this anthrax scare! Johnson, find the Olympic pins!' ...

The German skier who won the silver medal said he was successful because he abstained from sex for a whole year. Kev, what event have you been training for?

And a baseball preview:
Letterman: You can tell that spring training is just around the corner, the first Yankee was busted in Tampa.

[ February 26, 2002: Message edited by: DCBucky ]

Leno: "Did everyone watch the closing ceremonies? Did you see Willie Nelson? Isn't it amazing? They spend 17 days throwing out athletes for failing drug tests and then you close with Willie Nelson. They also had Kiss, Earth, Wind & Fire and Donny & Marie. For a minute, I thought I was watching the closing of the '72 Olympics. ...

The Winter Games are over. Or, as they are now known thanks to the Russians, the Whiner Games. ... The worst part about the games being over? No more curling for four years. ... There was a huge curling scandal that apparently they tried to cover up. Apparently one of the competitors was using a cordless, electric broom.

Letterman: "How about Sarah Hughes from Long Island? Isn't that amazing? She's just a kid. ... It's very nice for a change to read about a 16-year-old New Yorker who's not being tried as an adult."

Conan: "... NBC made a $75 million profit on the Winter Olympics. Unfortunately, NBC executives blew all the money on Utah's one hooker.

Leno: "The ratings are in. It looks like the Winter Olympics were a huge ratings hit for NBC. They say NBC stands to make $75 million profit from the Olympics. Know who made the second highest profits? Skating judges. ...

The endorsements are starting to roll in. Jimmy Shea is in an ad for McDonalds. Sarah Hughes' Wheaties box just came out today. Bob Costas is going to be the new spokesman for Lucky Charms. ...

Even the French judge is getting in on the act. She is going to be the new spokesman for Fix-o-dent. ...

I guess you heard about the riot in Salt Lake. People were generally well behaved except for one guy who got drunk and tried to hit on another guy's four wives. ...

Letterman: People are saying the Winter Olympics went so well this year, that the Olympics went so well that Utah will not have to bribe officials to get them again ...

One sad note. After the end of the Olympics, the Canadian team was beaten up by a group of U.S. hockey dads.