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For the second year in a row, the Washington Monuments are gay flag football national champions. As I look back and reflect upon the experience, the reason it was so satisfying was not simply playing a sport I enjoy with a great bunch of guys, nor was it winning the whole thing again. Rather it was the larger, more personal benefits accrued by simply being part of the team. 

It is my impression that many gays and lesbians spend a great deal of their youth, for some a great deal of their lives, ashamed and afraid of their homosexuality. I remember that time as one of always feeling different; ashamed of being gay, constantly worried that someone would find out. It was something to be hidden at all costs. And, of course, all this occurs during the most formative years. Being forced to hide our sexual orientation for so many years can lead to a lack of self-confidence, low self-esteem, and a measure of insecurity. For me, participating in sports, especially team sports, has reinforced a positive personal image and helped me come to terms with my fears about what it means to be gay.  

I did not discover sports until my third year of college. Sure, I played sports in high school but it was something to be endured and not enjoyed. Sports became a focal point in my life when Earl and Glenna Lee Alderson introduced me to whitewater kayaking. Spending six years as a professional kayaker were some of the best years of my life. Sports, kayaking in particular, came to be a defining characteristic.

Jay Maroney, far right, with teammates Patrick (#62) and Gary (#6) Photo by Brent Mullins Click for larger view

'In team sports you depend on others while recognizing that others are depending on you'

All my friends were kayakers and everything I did revolved around kayaking – I competed at whitewater Nationals and strove to make the U.S. team in freestyle. However, during that time I only met one other gay kayaker and we were both deeply closeted. I left kayaking because not only did I not want to be an old kayaker making $9,000 a year, but deep down I knew I did not want to be a single, closeted, old kayaker making $9,000 a year. After moving to Washington DC, I began the process of coming out to family and friends as well as to myself. One of my greatest fears in acknowledging and accepting being gay was that I would lose contact with all sports as I had lost contact with kayaking.

Instead, I found a great group of guys who enjoyed participating in sports and happened to also be gay. Through dumb luck, my neighbor played pickup football every Sunday with a group of gay men. While it took me a few years to show up, playing football with what eventually became the Washington Monuments has proven to be an important facet in my learning to accept being gay. While certainly not the only way--I have a very accepting family and good, honest friends to thank as well--sports have provided me with an outlet to express, learn and understand who I am.  

So how did sports help assuage my fears of being gay? Simple. As schools around the country constantly preach, organized sports are not only for exercise and physical health but also a means of teaching teamwork, community, communication, and self-confidence. While not an earth-shattering conclusion, it is one that should resonate in the gay community. If like me, you spent your childhood feeling ostracized, outside the norm, insecure, alone, or just plain different, you can see how we could all use bolstering in those areas sports are tailor-made to address. We all have areas in our lives to improve – whether it is career, friendships, family relationships, or dating. Improvement in these areas is directly related to how we view ourselves since without the confidence to visualize success, we settle for something less than we deserve. You hate your job but think you cannot get a better one. You are tired of being single but fear the pain of rejection and the subsequent blow to self-image. The reasons we fail to visualize success are a lack of focus, and a lack of confidence. 

Playing football with these 15 men provided me with an example of focus and a measure of confidence. In team sports you depend on others while recognizing that others are depending on you. For example, when playing defense you take responsibility for a certain person or zone on the field. No one catches a ball in my area. No man gets behind me to score a touchdown. No one. The only way to succeed is to focus on every single play, every single snap, and then trust my teammates to do the same. Sitting here at my desk, the memory of that focus is fresh and clear in my mind. It can be used now as I write, later as I speak with a client, or whenever I need to be at my best. Having succeeded gives me the confidence to succeed in the future.  

Will I always win? No, I know I won’t but that is not the point. Even had we lost all our games this past weekend, experiencing the camaraderie and knowing that each and every one of us played to the best of our abilities is what counts. That is the victory. It was that attitude that enabled us to win. And every single victory, however small, counts by reducing the negativity built up over those early years - the wall of shame created in my younger years because I am gay. Participating as a member of the Washington Monuments gives me another reason to view myself in a positive light. Not only am I now a two-time national champion, something that sounds awfully good to me, but I see how my teammates respect me and enjoy my company--all the while doing something healthy and positive. 

Are team sports the only way to learn this lesson? No. In my experience, it is a very satisfying means to that end. For others it might be through work or volunteering, and however it works for you I applaud. But for me, when I start to get tired and my muscles start to burn, I get excited. This is when it counts. This is when I start feeling good about myself. I push myself harder. The fatigue melts away and the realization that I can still run faster than my opponent and that there is no way the quarterback will even throw in my man’s direction gives me confidence.  

The trick is channeling that confidence into other aspects of my life. Using that experience to be better at my job, be a better friend, and hopefully one day, the best boyfriend ever. The next time someone rejects me or my boss criticizes my work, instead of falling back into self-doubt and the negativity created in my youth, I know that is just a small setback and nothing more; because, even after those years of hating myself and being ashamed, of hiding that black pit deep in my stomach, I have tasted success and know I will have more.  

I would like to thank Atlanta for hosting a very well run and fun tournament. All the teams that played were a tribute to the diversity of our community, and I was very impressed by the level of competition and the sportsmanship displayed throughout the weekend. Finally, and most importantly to me, I would like to extend my appreciation to the Washington Monuments for a great weekend and for their friendship. My hat is off to each and every one of you.

Jay Maroney, an attorney for the U.S. Navy, lives in Washington, DC, and plays for the Washington Monuments.

Come celebrate the Washington Monuments second Gay Bowl Championship on Wednesday, Oct. 20 at 7:30 p.m. at the Duplex Diner located on the corner of 18th and U Street NW.

Oct. 17, 2004