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By Jim Buzinski
Outsports.com

There's a riveting scene on HBO's "Real Sports" when former NFL player Esera Tuaolo nearly breaks down.

Tuaolo, a 6-3, 300-pounder who could bench press a house, has to compose himself as he recounts the nasty anti-gay epithets and jokes he heard in various locker rooms in his nine-year career.

"Faggot … queer … fudge-packer … There's a joke and it's about anthropologists going to this tribe and it's about them having intercourse, so they …," Tuaolo says, his voice trailing off as he looks away, fighting tears.

"I'm pausing,'' he tells HBO correspondent Bernard Goldberg, "because you just took me back, took me back to me biting my lip again." Tuaolo would laugh at the jokes on the outside, but "inside it would be tearing me up, that I stood there and listened to it and didn't say anything about it."

He never does finish the joke and the incompleteness mirrors how Tuaolo felt about himself as an NFL player with a secret he dare not reveal--he was gay.

Tuaolo's appearance on "Real Sports" (premiering Oct. 29 and 11 p.m. and repeating several times) marks a rare event in American sports--an athlete coming out. He is also the subject of a Sunday column by Robert Lipsyte of the New York Times and will be in several upcoming profiles, including on Outsports. He is only the third NFL player to ever publicly say he's gay, joining David Kopay in 1975 and Roy Simmons in 1992.

While Tuaolo's story is unique in its setting--a pro sports locker room--his feelings of depression, loneliness and thoughts of suicide are universal and will resonate with many gay people.

"I Wanted to Be Happy"

Tuaolo, 34, lives in suburban Minneapolis with Mitchell Wherley, his life partner of five years and their adorable 23-month-old adopted twins, Mitchell and Michelle. Wherley is part-owner of a hair salon and day spa and Tuaolo is carving out a niche as a singer and actor. The scenes in the powerful HBO piece (produced by Nick Dolin) of Tuaolo singing to his kids in the warmth of the family kitchen show a man at peace with himself. But this feeling came only after he left professional football.

"I wanted to be happy," Tuaolo says of his reason to retire in 1999. Ex-teammates "didn't know the true me, they didn't know who Esera Tuaolo is. Now they'll know me for who I am--a gay NFL, well, former NFL player. I feel wonderful. I feel like a burden has been lifted. I feel like I've taken off the costume I've been wearing all my life."

Like many gay men who hide, it was easy for Tuaolo to wear the costume and avoid detection. Being seen in public on the arm of a beautiful woman and large amounts of alcohol helped ease the way.

"There's this joke [teammates used to tell]. 'Esera, man, he did 20 shots of tequila.' By doing that, I became their drinking buddy: 'Gosh, he's such a stud.' But to me, it was more to ease the pain." The pain became so intense, that Tuaolo would sometimes drive down the road and fantasize about "turning the wheel and ending it all.''

Tuaolo, a Samoan born in Hawai with eight siblings, played defensive tackle for five teams in his nine years, spending the longest time with the Minnesota Vikings. Ironically, his one trip to the Super Bowl, with Atlanta in 1998, came at the expense of the Vikings in the NFC Championship Game. He was drafted in the second round by the Green Bay Packers in 1991 after a standout career at Oregon State.

His NFL career, while long, was not particularly noteworthy. He has commented to people that he never played up to his potential, primarily for fear that being a star would have raised his profile, brought more scrutiny and perhaps led to his being outed.

"Once you learn the system, you can do just enough to make the team," Tuaolo told Lipsyte in the New York Times. "That's pretty sad. I didn't want to call attention to myself. If I had a sack, I'd have a sleepless night, wondering if now they would catch me."

"I believe him,'' Lipsyte told Outsports. Adds Joe Somodi, a New York producer/director who befriended Tuaolo and helped persuade him to go public: "His dream wasn't to be in the NFL. It was just a paycheck.''

It's easy to see that Tuaolo, with his easy grin and affable manner, was a popular teammate, and he counts several current Vikings among his friends. "He's incredibly loveable," says Lipsyte. "Bernie Goldberg and I agree he's one of the nicest people we've ever interviewed in our lives." Minneapolis Star-Tribune columnist Patrick Reusse described him as "soft-spoken and gentlemanly."

"He Would Have Been Hated"

No matter how popular Tuaolo may have been, though, there's little question that many teammates would have turned on him had they found out his secret.

"He would have been eaten alive and he would have been hated for it," former Packer receiver Sterling Sharpe said to HBO. "Had he come out on a Monday, with Wednesday, Thursday, Friday practices, he'd have never gotten to the other team."

When asked why teammates would have had a problem with Tuaolo being gay, Sharpe replied: "Birds of a feather flock together. … Now, I got to answer questions that I'm normally not answering. Question my heart, question my ability. Do not question my machoism, so to speak, my sexuality."

Sharpe's views, while no doubt shared by many players, are not universally echoed. "I really don't see it as being that big a deal," Carolina Panthers left tackle Todd Steussie, who played with Tuaolo in Minnesota from 1994 to 1996, told the Rock Hill (S.C.) Herald last week. "It might make some people uncomfortable, but to me it's a non-issue."

Tuaolo's secret started becoming known within a year of his 1999 retirement. "After he left football, you'd hear certain things. It was said without being said," Steussie said. "I've known it for a while, but to me, what Esera does on his own time is his own business. I consider him a friend."

"You Don't Have to Run Any More"

Steussie's comments mirror those of Craig Sauer, a linebacker who played with Tuaolo in Atlanta, and heard rumors about his friend when he joined the Vikings in 2000. Sauer recounted for HBO his asking Tuaolo on the phone if he was gay. After Tuaolo's long pause confirmed his suspicions, Sauer told him:

"Hey buddy, here's the deal. You know I disagree with it and I believe God forbids it, but I love you like a brother. If you can handle me not agreeing with your lifestyle … then we can be friends."

Tuaolo said he appreciated Sauer's words of support. "He was great about it. … He said you've been running and now you don't have to run any more."

About the only running Tuaolo does these days is to auditions as he pursues his singing and acting careers. In a 2001 review of the play "A Most Happy Fella," a Minneapolis Star-Tribune critic said, "Esera Tuaolo is a raw actor, but his 'aw, shucks' allure and robust voice serve him well.''

His singing has often drawn raves, with one critic describing his voice on the "NFL Country" album as "gorgeous …kind of falsetto and fluttery like that of another big guy, Aaron Neville."

Like it or not, Tuaolo will now be described in any future articles and reviews as "the gay football player," and Lipsyte said he senses Tuaolo is "feeling his way" with the issue.

There is little doubt, however, that Tuaolo seems at peace as an openly gay man. On Oct. 12, while visiting Los Angeles, he played flag football with a predominantly gay group of which I am the organizer.

Tuaolo threw a touchdown pass as a quarterback, caught several passes as a receiver and was a terror as a pass rusher and flag grabber. He was smiling the entire time.