How We Saw Week 11

And welcome back for another edition of, “Who’s the Best Team in the NFL?”  I’m your host, Cyd “Crackhead” Zeigler.  We’re here with winners from various weeks this season, in hopes to determine who really is the best team in the NFL. 

Let’s get started with the near-unanimous pick for the Best Team in the NFL after Week 1:  Warren Sapp’s Tampa Bay Buccaneers.  Warren, who do you feel is the best team right now?

No question.  The best team is the Champions.  Tampa Bay.

But, Warren, your team is 4-6.  How can you say you . . .

You asked me a question and I answered it.  Warren Sapp and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are the World Champions.  Until someone knocks Warren Sapp and his team off their perch, they are the best team in the League.

But Warren, wouldn’t you say that other teams, like the Panthers maybe, who beat you twice this season, are better right now?

No.

Alrighty then, there we have it.  One vote for – ahem – Tampa Bay. 

Next up is our Week 3 installment, the Denver Broncos.  Mike Shanahan joins us.  How are you today, Mike?

The Chargers just didn’t have a prayer.  Doug Flutie?  Come on, now.  I was appalled that the pregame spread didn’t set an NFL record.

Interesting insight.  Mike, who would your pick for the NFL’s Best Team be?

The Kansas City Chiefs.  No doubt.  They were certainly the best team we’ve played this season.  And I’ll tell you something else:  Dante Hall is the League’s MVP.  Yes, they stumbled this week in Cincinnati.  Yes, Peter Warrick tried to show-up Hall.  Yes, Marvin Lewis showed no fear in kicking to him.  But, the Chiefs have something special in Dante Hall.  He’s the lightning rod that charges that team.

Would you install the Bengals, who beat the Chiefs, as the second best team in the League?

Say what?  Ha ha.  That’s a good one.  The Bengals – the second best team in the League?  Yeah, probably.

I’m sure you’ll look forward to your Week 14 matchup with the Chiefs.  Next up we have a team that Coach Shanahan will face in Week 16 – the Indianapolis Colts, who were Week 5’s Best Team in the League.  Good afternoon, Mr. Vanderjagt.

What’s uuuuuuuuppp?

I see you’ve been down to Rumrunners.  Tell me, Mr, Kicker, are the Colts the best team in the League?

First, I would like to reiterate that we have a great coach and an amazing quarterback.  I think both of those guys are really swell.  But, if you’re talking about the absolute best team in the NFL, I’ve got to tip my hat to Tennessee.  To watch Jeff Fisher make some great, ballsy, calls, and to see Steve McNair execute them with such determination – it’s an inspiration.

But, MV, your Colts have the same record and actually beat the Titans.  Why aren’t the Colts the #1 team?

I would like to reiterate that we have a great coach and an amazing quarterback.  Have you seen the Titans play?  They’re scoring crazy points, Steve McNair is taking control of games, and Fisher is letting him.  I don’t look forward to playing against them in Tennessee.

One team the Colts won’t have to play is our only team to be named The Best Team in the League in their bye week:  fittingly, the Minnesota Vikings.  Randy Moss is with us.  Randy, how are you today?

Cool.

Tell us, Randy, from your position on a team falling quickly from grace, who do you think is the best team in the League?

It’s cool.

What’s cool?

You know, they’re cool.  You know what I’m saying?

Uh, sorry Randy, I don’t.

I mean, you know, it’s like that, you know?

Sure . . . OK . . . I get it.  The coy type.  But tell us, Randy, do you think the Chiefs have an offense as good as yours.

It’s cool.

The Titans?

They’re cool.

(Super long, uncomfortable pause.)

Thank you, Randy Moss.  Next up is the team that has been the Best Team in the League four weeks this season, consecutively, from Week 7 to Week 10.  Welcome Coach Dick Vermeil.

Well, it’s quite a season, isn’t it?

Yes, it is, Coach.  Tell us, are you the Best Team in the League?

You’d have to say so, wouldn’t you?  We’re not doing everything right.  In fact, we actually are doing some things wrong.  We had that 16-0 in sight and blew it.  Man, we suck.

Coach, get a hold of yourself.

(Sniffle sniffle.)  I’m sorry.

Now coach, are you the Best Team in the League?

I guess we’ll find out in the Super Bowl.

Oh my, a bold prediction from Coach Vermeil:  the Chiefs will be in the Super Bowl.  For our last vote, we’ll hear from The Best Team in the League after Week 2, the Buffalo Bills.  Playing for the Bills today is none other than Lawyer Milloy.  I bet I know who you won’t be voting for, Lawyer.

There is something incredibly special about the New England Patriots.

Ha ha ha.  Good one, Lawyer.  Now seriously, who would be your pick for The Best Team in the League?

I miss playing for that team.  There’s just something different about them – something that I don’t think I quite understood when I was there.  That whole coming out of the tunnel in the Super Bowl as a team thing.  I didn’t get it then.  I certainly didn’t get it in September.  I get it now.  I talk to Ty and Tom every week.  They’re having so much fun.  Talking to them is like talking to your ex-wife’s family:  there’s a jealousy there that they’re doing so well without you, and having so much fun.  I wish I was still there.

Wow. 

Look at how they’ve won these games:  12-0, 38-30, 19-13.  Lots of people say you need a great defense, or a great offense, to win in this League.  The Patriots are doing it with balance.  Whatever you throw at them, they have an answer.  My old team, with no reluctance, gets my vote.

And, ladies and gentlemen, the Patriots get my vote, too – if for no other reason than, if they do win it all, I’ll look like a genius for picking them to do so in August.

Thanks for joining us this week.  Next week, we’ll have Bill Belichick, the idiot savant, joining us from The League’s Best Team, Part 11.  I’m Cyd Zeigler.  We’ll see you next week.

I had picked Cincinnati to win and they deserved to after pretty much dominating throughout. The win came on the heels of the win guarantee by wide receiver Chad Johnson, and this frosted a lot of the Chiefs. “The worst thing is to have a guy come out and shoot his mouth making a statement, and they stood up to it,'' Chiefs cornerback Eric Warfield said. “This is a good team, but we feel like we shouldn't have lost.''

The Chiefs still have the inside track to home-field advantage but some of their comments after the loss were troubling. “It would have been much worse if they had beaten us at our best,'' kick returner Dante Hall said. “But we didn't play well. It's like they say: 'On any given Sunday.' '' If the Chiefs think Sunday was a fluke, they may not last long in the playoffs. In going 9-0, they won four games by less than a touchdown; on the flip side, they are tremendous at home, winning four of their five games there by at least 13 points.

--The Bengals are 5-5, which may not seem like much, but it gives Cincinnati their best mark this late in the season since 1990. It also gives them a tie in the AFC North with Baltimore, a team they’ve already beaten.

--Tampa Bay is done. Finished. Over. The 4-6 Bucs have lost three in a row and will almost certainly not make the playoffs (they are three down with only six games left). For the third straight game, the once-vaunted defense allowed the opponent to drive the field for the winning score. This time, it was a 17-play, 98-yard gem by the Packers in their 20-13 win. Green Bay rushed for 190 yards and its offensive line dominated the Bucs. Always nice to see loud-mouth bully Warren Sapp be a non-factor.

--Fun game of the day was the Colts’ 38-31 barn-burner over the Jets. The Colts had 538 total yards and the always-adorable Peyton Manning threw for 401 yards. The game was won on a fake field goal and also saw the Jets score on a kickoff return.

--Dog game of the day was Miami’s 9-6 snoozer over Baltimore. The two teams combined gained only 487 yards, 51 less than the Colts by themselves. If you taped this one it would come in handy the next time you have insomnia.

--The wheels have fallen off in Minnesota. Once 6-0, the Vikings have now lost four in a row, including Sunday’s 28-18 beating in Oakland. The last two weeks, the Vikes have lost to teams that were a combined 3-14 prior to playing Minnesota. Vikings QB Duante Culpepper was great for my fantasy team (he threw for 396 yards and ran and passed for a score), but ugly in real life, throwing three interceptions and losing two fumbles. Minnesota’s lead over Green Bay in their division has shrank from three games a month ago to one. The Packers will be favored in their remaining six games, while Minnesota must face Seattle (7-3), St. Louis (7-3) and Kansas City (9-1).

--Quietly, the Philadelphia Eagles may be the best team in the NFC. They’ve won 7 of their last 8 and usually don’t win pretty, but it’s hard to argue with the results. They are now tied for the division lead and get co-leader Dallas at home in Week 14.

--Saw a number of players fight for an extra yard or so instead of running out of bounds when their teams were out of timeouts. My friend suggested a hefty fine for those who lose their senses in this fashion.

--ESPN's Joe Theismann is annoying when he runs with his "story lines" no matter the circumstance. On Sunday, Joey T went on and on about how much better a quarterback Dallas Cowboy Quincy Carter is this year versus last. At one point, Theismann talked about what a "clinic" Carter was putting on. This despite the fact that the Cowboys were losing 9-0 at the time to New England and had mounted only one scoring threat. Carter's "clinic" consisted of two fourth-quarter interceptions and Dallas being shut out.

--The Cowboys have been shut out in their last two road games, 16-0 at Tampa and 12-0 at New England.

--How wretched is the Buffalo Bills' offense? The Bills have not scored a touchdown in their last three games. Buffalo's defense must be pissed, having allowed only 22 points in the last two weeks (10-6 and 12-10 losses) but seeing its offense score only 16.

--I had listened to the two fantasy experts on the new NFL Channel swear that New Orleans receiver Donte Stallworth would score a touchdown and have a huge game. His final stats: 1 catch, 5 yards, 0 fantasy points. Last time I listen to those bozos.

--Quietly, the New Orleans Saints are making a playoff run. They’ve won 4 of 5, and have only two teams with winning records left on their schedule. The Saints aren’t particularly a good team, but in the weak NFC, OK might be enough.

--It looked like a good game when the schedule came out, but next week’s Monday nighter is a dud: 4-6 Tampa Bay vs. 4-6 New York Giants. Is “Queer Eye” on at the same time?