Being out is pushing Scott Jordan to success

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Special to Outsports

It was one of my first conversations with a teammate on the swim team after I’d decided to come out to them last summer. I was home in Connecticut talking with him on the phone about the upcoming season when talk turned, as it sometimes does, to sex.

I took the plunge.

“That’s not the kind of ass I’m looking for,” I replied.

He didn’t believe me at first; In fact, most everyone I’ve come out to hasn’t believed I’m gay. But once he realized I wasn't joking around, I told him it wasn't a secret anymore. I told just three teammates that summer, purposely telling one teammate in particular because I knew he liked to gossip (yep, straight guys gossip too). As planned, gossip took care of the rest. When I got to school a month later it felt like the entire campus knew I was gay, and I had only told three people.

St. Bonaventure University, 70 miles south of Buffalo, N.Y., is not an ideal place for a gay guy (even if our nickname is “the Bonnies”). It's very conservative and religious, and it's in the middle of nowhere. There are less than 2,500 students, and the gay community is almost nonexistent. When I decided to go here I was deeply closeted, and I wasn't thinking about how the school would be for a gay guy. At that age, I envisioned my life as a straight guy, and I was drawn by the "straight" party scene and a nice swimming scholarship.

I came out to my family and a few close friends when I was 18, but I remained closeted to my team until this past August. I gained a lot of respect on my team before I came out to them, and that has had a very positive impact. I'm one of the highest point-scorers in the Atlantic-10 Conference, defending champion in the 100-yard breaststroke two years running, I’m a captain on the team, and I'm within half a second of qualifying for Olympic Trials. Regardless of what I’d done in the water, I was scared that I would lose the respect of my teammates when they found out I was gay. When the other captains and I met with the rest of the team at the beginning of the season, I was terrified that the team would view me as "this gay guy" instead of the same person they've known. I remember being afraid that they wouldn't even listen to me when I started to talk, and it was hard for me to say the first few words because of it.

I've considered transferring almost every year, but I feel like I'd be leaving my family if I left my team. I survive here by taking road trips, usually to Buffalo, which is an hour north of my school. One of my teammates who lives there showed me the bars and even introduced me to some of his friends who are gay. I'll take a trip up to Buffalo maybe once a month, and in that trip I'll live the month of pent up energy in that one night. It's frustrating having to travel, and I feel that it holds me back from having any serious relationships; but I've met some great guys, even if it's only for one night.

The first month of the season was extremely difficult for me. Worried about how life would change now that I was out, I would wake up in the morning and not want to get out of bed; if it wasn't for morning practice, I might not have. I was upset with myself for caring too much what other people thought about me, but I couldn't help it.

Ultimately, it was the team that helped me come around. I slowly realized my teammates still respected me and still liked me, and that social support made me feel better. My relationship with my team is awesome, and increasingly I’m finding it unique. Contrary to my initial fears, my team’s love for me hasn’t changed, and I’ve found them all to be completely accepting of me. I'm a bit more hesitant to slap a teammate's ass if he's had a good swim, but overall my relationship with them has only strengthened.

Surrounded by, well, swimmers

Every day in practice I'm surrounded by a bunch of gorgeous, ripped guys in Speedos, and it's pretty much the ultimate tease. In my head my imagination goes crazy, but even if I find myself attracted to a teammate, I leave it at that. I'm the first openly gay swimmer any of my coaches have dealt with, but they don't restrict me or treat me unfairly at all; so I set my own boundaries. There needs to be certain direction within the team, and if I were to hit on one of my teammates, or say something overtly sexual, it would just cause problems and I'd risk losing their respect.