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Though, they do occasionally ask me who I think is the most attractive guy on the team, or if I think someone in particular is attractive. The guys just want their egos stroked, and feeding those egos will eventually lead them to misinterpret situations and cause unnecessary drama; so I keep it to myself. I still occasionally find myself having a crush on some guys on the team; but I'm human, I can't help it. After going through high school on a swim team (being at that age where hormones are virtually overwhelming) and making the mistake of developing strong feelings for other guys on the team, I've learned how to keep myself from becoming too emotionally involved with my teammates. But I haven't learned how to stop checking out swimmers though, and I don't plan on it; I've simply perfected doing it discretely.
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When I was in the closet, I always used to have doubt in the back of my head whether someone was a true friend to me or not; How would they treat me if they really knew me? I held back who I was because of that doubt. Now that they know, that doubt is gone, and I feel like my friendships with them are genuine for the first time in my four years here. They still make an occasional off-color gay joke, and honestly I'd be upset if they didn't; it would make me more uncomfortable if my teammates felt they had to be wary of what they say around me.
Sometimes I still find it hard to be myself when I'm around my teammates. There's a peculiar pressure to be a badass masculine athlete on a team, and it's something that even encumbers my straight teammates. Everyone on the team tries to garner more and more respect from everyone else, and with a group of mostly straight guys, being masculine goes hand-in-hand with being respected. At this point in my life, when I've finally decided to be myself, this pressure to be a macho-man jock confounds my pursuit to just be myself.
Striving to be his best
Being out is pushing me in training. I feel like my swimming results are now reflecting the real me, and that inspires me. With so few openly gay men in sports, I feel a bit more pressure to prove myself, and that gives me a lot of fuel to train my ass off in the water. I've gone in-season best times in my 100 breaststroke and 200 individual medley, and I've set some challenging goals for the end of the season. My championship meet is at the end of February, and I'd like to qualify for NCAA championships in the 100 breaststroke. It's going to take a lot of hard training to get the cut, but I have new-found inspiration that will hopefully help me achieve that goal.
Before I came out, I questioned whether having a gay guy on a team would “hurt” the team; and that just seems ridiculous to me now. Every out swimmer I've known about has been one of the best swimmers (if not the best) on his team. I've seen them benefit their teams, and I know I benefit my team with my performance in the water, my grade point average, and I think I've set an example of courage to my teammates; showing who I really am when so many others like me have not.
I think ultimately everyone struggles to just be who they really are, gay or straight, and I see that character rubbing off on my teammates. I've talked to a younger teammate in particular about just being himself. He mentioned to me once about how he's viewed on the team as a nerd, and he seemed a little discouraged that he was catching shit for being a computer geek. I talked to him about how my struggle to just be myself is similar to his, and he's really embraced himself and been proud of who he is since. If having that example on a team is a bad thing, then I’m guilty as charged.
Scott can be reached at
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congratulation 2 u who has through the problem.. But im not yet..