Christina Kahrl, one of the founding five members of
Baseball Prospectus, made news by coming out as
transgender in 2003. For Christina (who grew up as Chris),
coming out was relatively easy once she had made the
decision to do so. It was the journey getting there that was
the challenge.
"From an early age, I knew I was different," Kahrl told
Outsports. "I knew that I wasn't like the other boys. I knew
I wasn't like the other girls; I couldn't put my finger on
it. I grew up feeling like an ‘odd duck.’ I didn't stress
out about it. I didn't mind being different. I just knew
that I was."
It wasn't until college that Kahrl began to make sense of
her experience when she came across information about
transgender issues while browsing the stacks in The
University of Chicago Library.
"It was sort of a revelation, and something I could finally
understand was a pretty well-understood phenomenon," Kahrl
said. “This was in 1990, the year that I graduated. I worked
on campus subsequent to my graduation and spent considerable
time reading about transgender issues from there, but I
really couldn't say that I knew what to do about it at the
time; it was simultaneously reassuring and terrifying."
Kahrl decided to push aside her deepest feelings and stay in
the closet, hoping to best fulfill people's expectations of
her.
"I became a construct to myself," Kahrl said. “I'd wake up
in the morning, put on the guy face, be this person all day
in order to fulfill the expectation of family and friends.
For those years it was more about playing a role. That was
kind of like the artifice on some level."
While Kahrl was struggling with her identity, her career was
falling into place. She was approached by Baseball
Prospectus founder Gary Huckabay to help write the first
edition of the book. Kahrl, along with contributors Clay
Davenport, Rany Jazayerli and Joe Sheehan, stepped aboard
and Baseball Prospectus was born.
The first edition of Baseball Prospectus was small
and pulled together quickly. "It was bad enough that we
should have quit right there," Kahrl joked. But quit they
didn’t; Baseball Prospectus is now entering its 12th
year; it has spawned a successful website (BaseballProspectus.com);
and it is respected by fans and baseball insiders alike.
Kahrl is now the managing editor of the publication, writes
the regular
"Transaction Analysis" column at the Web site
and freelances as a writer, editor and proofreader.
Despite all of Kahrl’s professional success, her personal
life for much of it was in turmoil.
"I wondered for whose benefit I was living," says Kahrl. "I
was maintaining a model of being a husband, a good son to my
parents, a high achiever. To what extent were those things
tied up with questions of gender and should I turn a blind
eye to questions of my own sexual identity? These things may
be making people happy, but they were not making me happy.
"I realized that you don't get a do-over [in life], and the
time had come for me to be myself. I was willing to risk all
that I had come to achieve. I realized that I would never be
happy without coming to terms with my own identity."
When Kahrl came out as transgender in both her personal and
professional lives, she found overwhelming support, much to
her surprise.
"Perhaps I've been spoiled," Kahrl said about her seemingly
easy coming out experience. "I've been successful at forging
that kind of acceptance. But, it's also not about me. It's
about [people's] capacity to accept and understand. If we
credit the wider world with the ability to accept people who
are different, we may be surprised."
Christina cites sports as one of the things that may have
helped her coming out process.
"Sports are a unifying factor. It's a matter of enjoying one
another's company in an intellectual exercise, enjoying a
baseball team, how the White Sox can be better, how Ozzie
managed the team last night. This experience doesn't have to
shut out people who are gay, lesbian, transgender; it
transcends this, it is a shared experience."
Kahrl reflected that she was inspired by people who came out
as transgender in the 1970s and ‘80s. “We can never repay
them, and all we can do is pay them forward and help those
who come next."
"One of the great things that grew up out of stepping up to
help Christine…is that it put me in touch with people who
are also struggling with this," Kahrl said.
Kahrl said that while it was relatively easy for her to come
out, it would be very difficult for a current professional
athlete to come out.
"There have been gay ball players who are out to their
teammates," Kahrl said. “The question is less about the
players as it is the media focus and the way it would become
a pressurized event…they'd be under the lights 24/7. The
challenge is to now see if we can get to a point in society
where a player could come out and people can say, ‘OK.’ We
might be able to put it away with one interview…and keep on
moving."
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Ronit Bezalel is a Chicago based freelance journalist and
filmmaker. She covered the
Gay Games VII for Outsports.com
and SIRIUS OutQ News. Bezalel's latest film "A Day on the
Force: Women's Professional Tackle Football" looks at
Chi-town's women's pro-tackle football team, the Chicago
Force. You can find out more information at
www.ronitfilms.com.
Christina Kahrl, one of the founding five members of
Baseball Prospectus, made news by coming out as
transgender in 2003. For Christina (who grew up as Chris),
coming out was relatively easy once she had made the
decision to do so. It was the journey getting there that was
the challenge.