By Jimmy D.
It is with great humility I attempt to enlighten Outsports readers with an inside account of the 2010 Vancouver Winter Olympic Games. I say inside account, 'cause well, I'm inside and um, I AM CANADIAN -- to borrow from a beer commercial.
So, let's start with the basics. There are two things all you Yankee-doodle-dandies need to know. One: There are actually parts of Canada which aren't covered with snow in February. Two: There are other countries competing at the games besides the United States -- regardless of what Bob Costas tries to tell you.
I emphasize No. 2 because it's long been standard practice for the mainstream American media to sneak peeks at our Canadian Olympic coverage. They do this to simply find out what the hell's going on with the rest of the world.
While I understand it's of great national importance to follow Dusty Rockford's 18th place finish in a field of 20, we Canadians feel it's just as important to know about 'lil Norwegian biathlete Inga Haagaarstaarm-Paarvii (every second a is silent). We learn that she learned to cross country ski and shoot a rifle getting milk from a Finnish dairy farmer whilst warding off Swedish ex-wives of pro golfers.
Dusty meanwhile, honed his skills hanging out of a '83 Impala taking pot shots at road signs -- and guns are seldom, if ever used in curling. See the difference? It's just not in our nature to focus on ourselves. This makes us very uncomfortable. So much so, that, until Sunday, we were the only nation to host the Olympics - both winter and summer - and not win a gold medal on home soil. We considered that impolite. Bad form. Somewhat rude. Until now that is ...
Tearing a page from your USA! USA! USA! Guide to Gold, we are now under strict government orders to "Own the Podium." To prove they're not kidding, we all had to undergo behaviour modification training by watching Donald Sutherland commercials telling us "I Believe" That's Jack Bauer's father for heaven's sake. Damn right we believe!
As further proof, Ottawa has done away with store-brand macaroni and cheese to nourish our athletes. Now? Kraft Dinner for everyone! I've even heard that our elite athletes -- those ranked No. 1 in the world or higher -- get the KD with the sea-shell pasta and the white powdery cheez-stuff - though government officials are very tight-lipped on this.
So here we go Outsports fans. The XXI Olympic Winter Games are under way and we're gonna have a gay ol time! Gentlemen, you may have to swallow some of your American pride. Ladies, strap-on for the ride of your life!
More than 80, yes 80 nations are here to compete on our left coast. The welcome mat is out and the door is open. If you've never visited Vancouver, please come on in! There are nude beaches, gay-friendly beaches and really gay-friendly beaches. Sure its February but hook up with a snowboarder and who cares!
There is great beer, greater people and a Starbucks on every corner. Awe-inspiring scenery, clean air, majestic mountain vistas and free samples of home-based grow-ops. There is world renowned Stanley Park, Granville Island, Gastown, Yaletown, Chinatown and a safe injection sight for those visiting from Amsterdam.
Yup, Canada's third stab at Olympic glory is here and everyone's invited. To prove that we are a loving, tolerant, open people, we even had KD Lang perform during the Opening Ceremonies. Which of course, was brought to you by Kraft. Enjoy the Games!