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The best of Simms

CBS announcer has a way with (homoerotic) words

(This story was published in 2007).

We’re big fans of former New York Giants quarterback Phil Simms, now the lead analyst for the NFL on CBS. We’ve heard he’s a terrific guy and he does a great job on a broadcast. But we’ve also had fun charting how many homoerotic references Simms has made. Mind you, we don’t watch every minute of the games he has done (far from it), so to find this many during the past few seasons is pretty amazing.

Here they are as we wrote them at the time:

Having the NFL Sunday Ticket, I seldom watch a game from start to finish, so I don’t hear all the gems from the announcers. So it took me six weeks to hear Phil Simms add to his list of homoerotic comments, but it was worth the wait,

Early in the Patriots-Cowboys game, CBS showed New England quarterback Tom Brady give owner Robert Kraft and his wife each a pregame peck on the cheek:

Jim Nantz: “Right before the game, a little kiss for good luck, Brady and his owner Robert Kraft.”
After a pause, Simms chimed in: “You do that to me before the game.”
Quickly, Nantz said: “For good luck.”
Simms: “For good luck, there you go.”
Nantz: All right. Whatever the ritual is.” (Oct. 14,2007)

During the AFC Championship Game Simms said this as Patriots quarterback Tom Brady got behind center Dan Koppen:

"He just pats Koppen on the rear end, he probably yells out, 'Get ready!'" (Jan. 21, 2007)
(Hat tip to Zembla Cementhorizon who monitored Simms' whole AFC title game performance.)

In talking about a season-long NFL picks contest with fellow CBS analyst Boomer Esiason, Simms said: "Boomer's throwing that love out to me, being nice. I don't like it. I like a little friction." Ever hear of lube? (Dec. 31, 2006)

During a promo for the CBS pregame show, Simms saw a picture of a leaner Dan Marino (now doing Weight Watchers commercials) and said, “Dan Marino’s looking trim.” Simms’ partner Jim Nantz saw a Simms photo and said, “You are a handsome guy.” (Sept. 10, 2006)

Simms added to his list of homoerotic comments, with two in the fourth quarter of the Patriots-Broncos game.

When partner Jim Nantz was promoting the Colts-Steelers telecast, Simms said, “We get to hear Dick Enberg and Dan Dierdorf.”Nantz: “And Armen Keteyian. …” Simms: “Big Armen, gonna be looking good on the sidelines.”

Later, the camera showed Steve Plummer, the dad of Broncos QB Jake Plummer, both sporting beards. Said Simms: “You see Jake Plummer’s dad. Their beards run in the family, except the father’s is a lot neater, trim and better-looking than Jake’s” (Jan. 14, 2006)

If they make a sequel to “Brokeback Mountain,” I suggest Phil Simms and Jason Witten as the leads. Witten, like the two main characters in the movie, is a cowboy (tight end for the Dallas Cowboys). Simms, the former Giants quarterback who played against Cowboys, is the CBS color analyst who started singing about Witten during Sunday’s Chiefs-Cowboys game.

Witten, 6-5 and 261 pounds, had just caught a touchdown pass, and the camera focused on him sans helmet, looking sweaty and hot (in both ways). This led Simms to rhapsodize:

Simms: “What does Bill Parcells call him? Everybody’s All-American. He’s got the looks, the blonde hair, the blue eyes.”

Jim Nantz: “The Farmboy.”

Simms: “You want your daughter to marry the Farmboy, that’s right, and all that stuff.”

What was funniest is that Simms said, “He’s got the looks, the blonde hair, the blue eyes” like he was singing, and Nantz cut in quickly as if he feared what other of Witten’s body parts Simms would describe next.

I know Simms and Witten are both married. But that didn’t stop the Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger characters from taking a lot of fishing trips together, yet never catching anything. (Dec. 11, 2005)

Simms was calling the Pittsburgh Steelers at Green Bay Packers with partner Jim Nantz and the camera focused on buff ref Ed Hochuli ready to make a call wearing a long-sleeved shirt with temperatures in the mid-40s.

Simms: “You know, it must be cold out there today, colder than we think. Ed Hochuli is wearing long sleeves.

Nantz: “You seldom see that. … A lost chance to see those impressive biceps.”

Simms: “I hear ya. If you got ‘em, show them off.” (Nov. 6, 2005)

--It was the perfect storm: Phil Simms calling a game in sunny San Diego where the buff Ed Hochuli was head referee. We’ve heard Phil wax eloquent many times about Hochuli’s, but on Sunday Simms didn’t take the bait. There were many shots from CBS of the Guns calling a penalty, but Simms never commented. It was a bigger upset than the 49ers beating the Buccaneers.

Simms was enamored, though, by young Kansas City Chiefs defensive lineman Jared Allen. He made several references to the player he called “Big Hoss.” And Simms made his almost-obligatory mention of a player’s physique: “We met [Allen] last night and he’s one impressive physical-looking player.” (Oct. 30, 2005)

--Phil Simms had a borderline “homoerotic comment of the week,” but we went to replay and since it involved the CBS announcer talking about genitalia we will count it and add it to the list.

During halftime of the Denver Broncos-New England Patriots game, Simms and partner Jim Nantz were discussing the play where Pats lineman Logan Mankins was tossed from the game after hitting Ebenezer Ekuban. They showed a closeup of Mankins hauling off and whacking Ekuban in his family jewels.

Nantz: “I don’t think there’s a need to demonstrate that move at all, thanks.

Simms (turning toward Nantz and raising his eyebrows): ”No, not on me.”

Just confirms that Simms isn’t into rough trade.

--I also received this from a reader:

Just wanted to let you know I loved your column on Phil Simms homoeroticism, and I think that I have one that is worth mentioning. I can't give a specific date reference, but I believe it was sometime in 2000. In reference to Randall Cunningham's arm, Simms noted, "It's long and loose, and he can still really stick it in there." (Oct. 16, 2005)

I hadn’t been able to listen to Simms much this season, but watched almost the entire San Diego Chargers-New England Patriotsgame on Sunday, which Simms was analyzing. He didn’t disappoint, coming up with these two gems:

Tom Brady, he’s a handsome dude. He’s also fearless and likes the action.” The “action” he was describing was Brady running a quarterback sneak into a mass of man flesh.

“Look at Drew Brees. I’m talking about his pants. Don’t get nervous.” Simms said this as he was using a telestrator to draw a yellow circle around the left butt cheek of Brees to show how clean the Charger quarterback’s uniform was. As for the “don’t get nervous part,” use your imagination. (Oct. 2, 2005)

Simms had this to say about Denver offensive lineman Ben Hamilton (in the Broncos' game at San Diego) who is 283 pounds and has huge arms, which Simms didn’t fail to notice.

Simms: “I could block like that if I had those arms. I’d walk on them. … Wow!”

Partner Jim Nantz: “They look like my legs.”

Simms: “I think you’re giving your legs too much credit.” (2004)

It was a very happy Thanksgiving as Phil Simms gave me one more comment to add to the list of his homoerotic remarks during NFL games.

Simms was analyzing the Turkey Day game between the Indianapolis Colts and Detroit Lions and CBS’ new super-slo-mo camera had a shot of Lions QB Joey Harrington getting drilled.

Simms: “When you look at it that way, that looks a lot more painful.”
Partner Jim Nantz: “Oh, man.”
Simms: "Well, Jim, you like a little pain. You could have taken those shots.”
Nantz: As long as I had a helmet on.”

At game’s end, Simms handed out his “All-Iron Award.” Nantz said the award was so named, “Because of your fetish for ironing and pressing clothes.” Fetish? Pain? Look for Simms in a gay.com S&M chatroom near you. (2004)

Simms seems to have a special thing for referee Ed Hochuli and was in top form Sunday during the Rams-Patriots game.

The cameras focused on Hochuli, who we call “Guns” because of his impressive biceps. Said Simms: “Ed is looking pumped today, isn’t he? He’s gotta be the most in-shape referee in the history of the NFL.”

After announcer Jim Nantz said they saw Hochuli the night before carbo-loading at an Italian restaurant, Simms said: “I’ll tell you what -- I promise you that before he comes out to the game each week, and I mean this as a compliment, he’s probably knocking off a couple hundred pushups in the locker room.” (2004)

Here was Simms’ exchange with partner Jim Nantz as they discussed Pittsburgh Steelers rookie quarterback Ben Roethlisberger:

Nantz: Dallas coach “Bill Parcells had this statement … that he is the best-looking rookie quarterback at the start of a season since Dan Marino.”

Simms: “We all know Dan is a handsome man, so how could that be?”

Nantz: “I don’t think that’s what he was talking about.” (2004)

The only homoerotic comment during the New England-Carolina Super Bowl came from Simms during a "Survivor" promo, when he said: "When those guys [contestants] start taking off their clothes, I'm outta there." (2004)

Simms made his first homoerotic comment before the first quarter ended of the Kansas City Chiefs-San Diego Chargers game. Play-by-play man Greg Gumbel said about referee Ed Hochuli that he was in good shape. "He looks it, you can't deny it," Simms replied, then going on about Ed's lack of a gut. (2003)

Simms was back in form Friday night in his first NFL broadcast of the season. Play-by-play announcer Greg Gumbel was discussing their experience with the blackout in Cleveland and said, “I haven’t seen that much candlelight since I was an altar boy.” Replied Simms: “It was kind of romantic, wasn’t it?” After a pause, he then said, “Maybe not.” Nice try covering for yourself, Phil. (2003)

Simms was at it again during the Thanksgiving game between Detroit and New England. Commenting about how New England QB Tom Brady always is smiling, Simms noted the player's rich contract, Super Bowl ring and the fact that he's "a good-looking boy." At least Simms has good taste. (2002)

Simms commented on how good-looking the Steeler linebackers were, noting that Steeler defender Kimo von Oelhoffen was a “seamstress” who sewed his jersey skin-tight and remarked at the poor quality of shoes worn by partner Greg Gumbel. (2002)

"Lamar Smith [Miami running back] doesn't look like much in his underwear." (2001)

During the Broncos-Ravens game, Simms said the first question he asked Denver’s Kevin Kasper was during an interview was, ‘‘Who does your hair? He’s a platinum blonde!’’ Gee, Phil, just like you once were. (2001)