If the the seedings hold in the NFL playoffs, the Super Bowl will be my greatest nightmare -- New England vs. Seattle -- the two teams I hate the most. The worst part is that one of them would have to win.
If this is the matchup on Feb. 1, I will be rooting for a giant meteor to strike Earth shortly before the 6:30 p.m. Eastern kickoff. I will be blown to bits, of course, along with every other human being, so that's the downside. The upside is that the Patriots and Seahawks will be deprived of a Super Bowl title. There are always tradeoffs in life.
The Patriots have been the NFL's Evil Empire since 2003 (I liked their 2001 team since it had a Cinderella vibe). They are led by Bill Belichick, the fashion disaster, signal-stealing swinger, which makes them easy to hate. He's also the best coach in the NFL by a mile, which only intensifies the hate.
Their quarterback is Tom Brady, who has become a whiny little twit. He's a sore winner and sore loser. When the Patriots win, he's high-fiving, head-butting and spiking the ball like a rookie scoring his first TD, not a veteran with three rings. And when he loses, he's dropping F-bombs at his defense and acting like a spoiled brat. He's not "fiery" or "competitive," just an annoying jerk.
Brady is not the same QB he once was, but he doesn't have to be. He has the best tight end in football in Rob Gronkowski (the one Patriot I actually like), a shutdown defense and wonderful special teams. Brady's job these days is to put together a couple of drives and not screw things up. For that, he has announcers slobbering over him like he's the 2007 Brady, not a guy near the end of his career and lucky to be with the right team.
Seattle is new to the "being totally annoying" game but they learn fast. Their coach is Pete Carroll, who fled USC one step ahead of the NCAA posse, earning the Trojans major sanctions while he landed a cushy gig in Seattle. This is the same guy who this summer lectured holdout running back Marshawn Lynch on honoring his contact. Gall is not Carroll's short suit.
The Seahawks version of Tom Brady in the insufferable category is cornerback Richard Sherman, who for some reason has carved out a reputation as an articulate voice of a new generation of players. In fact, he's little more than a boorish loudmouth who loves denigrating opponents. Unfortunately, he's also the best cornerback in football, so no one has yet been able to shut him up.
Those are your two favorites to meet in the Super Bowl -- I might have to watch the Puppy Bowl instead. There is hope, though. Only twice since 1993 have the top two seeds won their conferences (2009 and 20013). The Patriots are a pedestrian 4-3 in home playoff games since 2009 and the Seahawks lack explosiveness on offense. The team with the best shot to knock off the Patriots is the Denver Broncos, who match up talent-wise. But in the Brady-Peyton Manning playoff history, the home team is 4-0, and it's hard for me to see Denver winning in New England in mid-January. I think the team in the NFC best-equipped to beat Seattle is Dallas. The Cowboys won there early this season but having to depend on Dallas in a playoff game is a risky prospect. Forget the Packers beating Seattle -- Aaron Rodgers is just an average road quarterback and has struggled against good defenses all season.
Short of one of the 10 other playoff teams knocking off the Seahawks or Patriots, and with a meteor strike unlikely, we may be facing a Super Bowl from Hell. There is one possible savior yet -- the North Korean hackers who took down Sony. Get the NFL to cancel the Super Bowl and we have a vacant title this year. It would be the first good thing Kim Jong-un has done for me.
Update: Hell is upon us. It will be Seattle vs. New England.
Around the league:
--Wild card picks. In the NFC, Carolina over Arizona. The Cardinals don't have a functional quarterback and their defense is tiring and springing leaks. Dallas over Detroit. The Cowboys were only 4-4 at home but the Lions' offense is way too inconsistent.
In the AFC, Indianapolis over Cincinnati. This is a bad matchup for the Bengals, who lost 27-0 to the Colts earlier this year. Baltimore to upset Pittsburgh, if Steelers running back Le'Veon Bell can't go. I like Baltimore's big-play passing ability. If Bell is healthy, the Steelers by a field goal.
--MVP: JJ Watt, not Aaron Rodgers. Watt has been the best player on the field in virtually every game and helped lead the Texans to a 9-7 record despite shaky quaterbacking. Rodgers has been amazing at home but mediocre on the the road in four losses. No one that Jekyll and Hyde deserves the MVP.
--Perfection: The Kansas City Chiefs finished the season without a wide receiver catching a touchdown pass. In the pass-happy NFL, with the rules favoring quarterbacks and receivers, that's almost impossible to conceive of.
--Top pick: The Buccaneers won by losing and will get the top pick in next year's draft. It's likely to be Oregon QB Marcus Mariota, the league's next stud quarterback and someone who can revive the Bucs franchise.
--Good fit: If the Jets fire Rex Ryan, the Atlanta Falcons should snap him up. He is a great defensive coach and that's what the Falcons need. And in Atlanta he would have a quality QB in Matt Ryan, an upgrade over Mark Sanchez and Geno Smith.
--Hot player of the Week: Eric Decker, Jets receiver. Going from Peyton Manning to Geno Smith/Michael Vick has killed Decker's production, but he shined Sunday with 10 catches for 221 yards and a touchdown. He remains totally hot, regardless of how he performs:
Photo by Wesley Hitt/Getty Images
Comments
Thank God I'm the anti-you.
After reading this article, all I can say is I’m glad I disagree with you on almost every single thing (except JJ Watt as MVP). Pats & ‘Hawks are my two favorite teams (born in Boston, living in Pacific NW—you understand). I’ll be ecstatic when the two meet in the Super Bowl. I’m also immensely thankful that I don’t have anything close to your level of vitriol coursing through my veins. It must hurt to hate things so much. btw—Arizona’s "tired" defense is more than a match for Cam (or any NFC South team), Cinci is going to expose the Colts as the biggest fraud in the AFC, Marcus Mariota will be another Heisman superstar #1 pick taken by an awful team which doesn’t know how to use him properly, and will end up in the same place as Sam Bradford, Colt McCoy, RGIII and Johnny Manziel – a washout by his third season, any money-grubbing sellout like Decker that would leave a Super Bowl contender like the Broncos for train wreck like the Jets, may get a good game every once in a while, but his career will go nowhere, and, finally, Rex Ryan will never be a great coach no matter where he lands – he may be a defensive "genius" on paper, but that’s a whole lot different than being a defensive-minded head coach who actually wins games (maybe like…hmmm…Pete Carroll, or…I don’t know…Bill Belichick?) Anyway, it was fun reading your rant, and, like I said, I’m glad I’m nothing like you—especially when I’m kicking back watching the Pats play the ’Hawks in February.
By steve_t_66 on 12.29.14 1:42am
Glad to be of service
I need to take my daily vitriol injection. :-)
By Jim Buzinski on 12.29.14 6:19pm
Dear jim burat or what ever your last name is? i hoped that gaint meteor hit's on by the balls!
By tomas.21george61 on 12.29.14 9:22pm
Please end yourself
Jim,
Simply the worst thing I’ve ever read. Ever. This is a joke piece, right? If you put in any serious thought and effort into this, then I really hope your genetic lineage ends with you.
A hawks pats superbowl would be an awesome matchup, chock full of compelling personalities and storylines. (contrasting coaching styles, a scrambling qb vs. a pure pocket passer, two dominant defenses, two explosive offenses, two kick-ass cities, two crazy-passionate fan bases, brady potentially cementing a 4 ring legacy, russell potentially winning his 2nd ring in his first 3 years) Nevermind all that. You’d rather broadcast your ignorant, unfounded personal bias and waste everyone’s time. I hope thoughts and endless media coverage of beastmode, revis island, the legion of boom, and gronk td spikes haunt you through Feb. 1.
By the way, your bug-eyed profile picture is hideously frightening. You look like a child molester with smelling and tickling feet fetishes. Now go tandem-dive with Mark Spitz off a 10 meter springboard, while holding a plugged in cuisinart.
To everyone else subjected to Jim’s steaming pile of verbal diarrhea, he left his personal contact info for us. Please call 323-899-0979 or email kandreeky@gmail.com and let him know what you think of his "news article."
By dmr42 on 12.31.14 8:42pm
Thought this was about football?
dmr, wtf is this you’re spouting? Trash talk is one thing, especially on sports articles, but your personal-attack, cyber-bullying crap is way the fuck over the line. A lot of people who read the Outsports blog have dealt with shit like this before, but seriously dude, try to have a little class. Use your brain & your wits – your stuff about the two teams’ character was spot-on. After that though. having to devolve into personal attacks on a guy’s photo to get your point across is just weak. Typical bully made brave by the anonymous interweb; you probably punch your boyfriend/girlfriend in the mouth when they say something you don’t like, right? (Oooh – see what I did there?)
Here’s a checklist for you next time you want to comment on a sports writer’s opinions:
1. Tell him you hate what he wrote because you think it’s wrong.
2. Explain why.
3. Tell him you hate the teams he happens to like.
4. Explain why.
5. Defend the teams that you like.
6. Explain why.
-7. Attack the author’s physical appearance and sexual preferences, then encourage other trolls to use his personal phone number to do the same.-
Easy, right?
Anyway, can’t wait to see what you write back to this. Gonna come after my personal habits next? Let me get you started – I’m 48 years old, and 275lbs, so you can come after my age or my weight, your choice. Tool.
By steve_t_66 on 01.01.15 2:27pm
When this guy grows up...
his wish he can be a journalist! He’s a long Long LONG way from there now that’s for sure!!!
By Mustang_6984 on 12.29.14 9:44pm
you clearly have no idea what you are talking about
I couldn’t agree more with steve_t, mazah, and mustang. It’s one thing to hate a team, even a successful team. I hate the NY Yankees. But it’s quite another thing to give a list of reasons for hating the team that are pretty much all wrong. The Patriots are the Evil Empire? Not sure how you came to that conclusion — no comparison to the original Evil Empire in sports, the NY Yankees. Sherman is somehow the west coast Brady??? Are you on drugs? They are nothing alike and don’t like each other as Sherman likes to get in people’s faces and rant like a madman, something Brady would never do. And as for whining (and pouting and acting like a crybaby), there’s a QB you might have heard of named Manning and I don’t mean Eli. As the others who commented before me have already pointed out, you clearly have no idea what you are talking about.
By weedthemandreap on 12.29.14 11:59pm
Who's the biggest (Petyon) crybaby (Peyton) in football (Peyton)? I'll give you three guesses...
Thanks Weed, for mentioning my own version of the Evil Empire: Peyton Manning. As a lifelong Pats fan, nobody pisses me off more than Mr. Papa Johns. And to think I actually felt sorry for him when he was going through with all that crap with the neck injury and getting dumped by the Colts. Then Elway spends millions to surround him with the tools to break all of Brady’s records… Needless to say I was pleased when my other team, the Seahawks, proved that hothouse flowers don’t survive in the wild. The biggest proof of Peyton’s diva status though, came after the first Chargers game, when he went after the scoreboard operator for being disrespectful. The video of him flapping his arms at the crowd like a three year old throwing a tantrum, was almost as priceless as the look on his face when the first snap in the Super Bowl when flying past his head into the end zone. Fortunately – and contrary to Mr. Buzinski’s opinion – I don’t think Peyton’s any kind of threat to the Pats in the playoffs (I’d actually say Pittsburgh is the biggest challenge to the Pats until the Super Bowl).
By steve_t_66 on 12.30.14 12:27pm
agreed!
Amen brother!!!
By Deeman853 on 12.30.14 8:48am
Any bullshit you talk about Mariota
is completely untrue. He’s more likely to be drafted by the Eagles and get a Superbowl ring in his first year than be a three-year washout. Get out.
By mh.cressman.7 on 01.21.15 8:54am
Please oh please let it be Colts or Bengals vs. Cardinals, Packers or Lions.
Not really feeling these playoffs.
By JumpingJackFlash on 12.29.14 11:26am
You looking to cure insomnia?
Man those potential games sound boring
By troyhargens on 12.29.14 8:03pm
Last year we got the Super Bowl everyone wanted - #1 Denver vs #1 Seattle. It was the worst Super Bowl in years.
I prefer surprise teams. The 2007 Giants that nobody believed in at 9-7. The Cardinals in 2008.
Or we could get the same old boring Patriots/Steelers from the AFC. Or the annoying self proclaimed "America’s Team" Cowboys.
By JumpingJackFlash on 12.31.14 1:45pm
Wow, that is a lot of whining
By Coug1990 on 12.29.14 6:54pm
My Super Bowl from Hell...
…would be Denver and anyone else. Two weeks of buildup just to watch Manning blow another big playoff game. I can’t!
By Cyd Zeigler on 12.29.14 7:08pm
Seattle would destroy NE
Worse than Denver last year. U mad bro?
By troyhargens on 12.29.14 7:32pm
hahahahhahaahahahahhahahahahh
just because you have beaten up on a bunch of 2nd and 3rd string qb’s? really? hahahahahahahahahahahahaahahaha you will be lucky to make it out of the over rated nfc.
By jp9_13 on 12.30.14 7:28am
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahh
Funny, when the Seahawks were going up against that "bunch of 2nd and 3rd string qbs" everyone (including you, I bet) were saying how "hot" and "on fire" they were and were betting that they would beat the Hawks because of "the Super Bowl Hangover" or the "Percy Harvin trade deal" or any other kind of media manufactured non-issue you could use to justify your picks. YOU WERE ALL WRONG ON EVERYTHING!!!
By Deeman853 on 12.30.14 8:58am
yup... he mad !!
By LiquorFront on 12.30.14 9:20am
It is not unusual for envious football fans to hate on the team they know is the best, so I can see why you hate the Patriots. Your hatred just makes the victories sweeter!
By velezjavier22 on 12.29.14 7:45pm
Do us all a favor and flush yourself down the toilet.
By Ok Corral on 12.29.14 8:20pm
You must be a Jets fan. How does it feel like to be a loser this year?
By mikes12 on 12.29.14 8:31pm
You Clueless Fool
Act like you know anything about Tom Brady, the Patriots, or football."He’s not fiery or competitive, just whiny and annoying." You sound like my friends girlfriend who gets upset when her team loses. Tom’s passion for football is 100% genuine and has NEVER in his entire NFL career, publicly aired out a teammate. How can you not appreciate somebody who spills that passion onto the field? You prefer a braindead robot like Cutler? I’d agree with you if Brady slacked off and was a complete dick of a person, but hes one of the hardest working guys on and off the field and absolutely deserves to get a little rowdy out there after hes busting his ass all week. If you can’t appreciate that then go suck on your tampons and leave competitive sports to the big boys.
By mazah13 on 12.29.14 8:46pm
We have
lost 5 minutes reading this about both teams…that we can never get back. He is wrong about both teams in so many ways…there isn’t band width enough to list the all.
By Mustang_6984 on 12.29.14 9:42pm
Trollllllllllllllllllllll
Your parents must be real proud
By mazah13 on 12.29.14 8:47pm