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5 reasons why American Olympians rule and the rest of the world is just jealous.

- The President personally inspects the ass of every beach volleyball player to make sure it meets Constitutional standards for American athletes. I think it's in the 34th Amendment or something.

- Complain about us, and we'll have our sabre athletes slice your face off and take all your medals!
- Our Women's basketball team destroys everything in their path like Georges St. Pierre and Brock Lesnar when they're mad.

- While China's Opening Ceremony had LED-drums, gigantic fireworks, and flying men... OUR last Olympic Opening Ceremony had... pick up trucks!

- And, oh yeah, when we're behind in swimming relays, no biggie, we'll just have Michael Lezak swim the fastest relay time in history to win. Suck it, France!

Goodness, gracious, we're only through one weekend. 11 more days of this is going to be too much.

U-S-A! U-S-A! -Kelvin Cabrera