Bucco Bruce was the Tampa Bay Buccaneers' logo for many years. | NFL

Super Bowl XLIX between the Seattle Seahawks and New England Patriots features teams with modernistic helmet logos. The uniforms are clean and well-designed, with great color schemes and look terrific in high-definition.

All you need to know about the Seahawks, Patriots, Tom Brady’s balls, the hotties, puppies and kittens, and the game itself.

But neither can match the flair and unintended gay sensibilities of Pat Patriot and Bucco Bruce, the two gayest logos in NFL history (with Bucco Bruce making a return in 2023). Honorable mention goes to the Houston Oilers logo of the early 1960s. It’s impossible to see anything like these ever making it out of a design competition today and more’s the pity.

Here are the top three:

Bronze medal: Houston Oilers

It’s a shame this roughneck with the beard scruff, hairy forearms, cowboy boots, spurs and tight pants wasn’t wearing No. 69, but he nonetheless looks ready to rumble. This was the Houston Oilers’ logo from 1961-68, though it never was on the helmet (the franchise is now the Tennessee Titans.) Roughneck is a nice visualization of everyone’s cowboy fantasy, down to the phallic-like derricks in the background ready to gush. Things really are bigger in Texas.

Silver medal: New England Patriots

He was called Pat Patriot by his creator Phil Bissell and adorned the helmet of the Boston/New England Patriots for more than 30 years. As Bissell said: “He’s got to be tough. He’s got to get in the trenches and dig. That’s why, if you notice, his hands are all grimy-because he’s dug. He doesn’t have nice little white gloves on like Elvis.”

“Tough and grimy” — sounds like a typical Boston Grindr profile. Pat’s got a cocky grin that says bring it on and is the original power bottom.

Gold medal: Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Bucco Bruce was his real name and he adorned the Bucs’ creamsicle-colored uniforms from 1976 to 1997. The hat, the ‘stache, the earring, the knife, the come-hither wink — who could resist? He may look like a dandy, but Bruce is an S&M dream come true and would be right at home at IML or the Folsom Street Fair. Hands down the gayest logo in NFL — and maybe pro sports — history. A classic and he is badly missed.
Since everything retro becomes cool again, we need to bring back Pat and Bruce. To really update tradition, they will get married, since Massachusetts and Florida allow for same-sex unions. Roughneck can be the best man.