The two things we learned from the exhaustive Ted Wells NFL report into the New England Patriots and footballs are that Tom Brady lied about his knowledge of deflating footballs (he should be suspended four games), and that the document is rife with sexual innuendo. How can it be otherwise when we're talking about jocks and their balls?

I went through the report and found these choice quotes from text messages between two Patriots locker room attendants and descriptions from the investigation. They would work well in a gay erotic story. I can picture it now: Two locker room attendants charged with taking care of the balls of the stud jock quarterback. Call Falcon Studios now!

  • “Tom sucks”
  • “Fuck tom”
  • “I have a big needle for u this week”
  • “Tom must really be working your balls hard this week”
  • “Tom is acting crazy about balls”
  • “Ready to vomit!”
  • “The natural leak rate”
  • “The impact of vigorous rubbing”
  • “Part of the preparation procedure used by the Patriots for balls involved rubbing by an individual wearing gloves”
  • (From a chart):
    “Infrared camera images … at the end of rubbing and 15 minutes after rubbing stopped”
  • From another chart):
    Ball rub

The late Cal-Berkley anthropologist Alan Dundes was spot on: Football is a homoerotic ritual.