Howard Stern’s interview with Tom Brady on Wednesday revealed a few things about the former Patriots quarterback that our friends at SB Nation summed up quite nicely:

When asked by Stern about race in the NFL, Brady said:

“I never saw race. I think sports transcends race. It transcends wealth. It transcends all that. You get to know and appreciate what someone else may bring. When you’re in a locker room with 50 guys, you don’t think about race because you’re all the same at that point”

Yeah? I think some of the non-white privileged guys in that locker room might disagree.

Contact sports teach lessons that other sports can’t.

“There’s something about contact sports that teaches about respect, routine, discipline, teamwork that you don’t get from non-contact sports.

Oh, really? Tennis, track and field, cycling, gymnastics, and too many Olympic sports to mention, Tom Brady?

And about the current coronavirus pandemic, the Tampa Bay Buccaneer QB’s response was to caution people against just staying at home, and implored them to ignore “crazy, nasty, fearful media reports.”

NO, Tom. Just no. The CDC says: It’s okay to go outside for exercise or when absolutely necessary, but observe social distancing and wear a mask over your face. Staying at home is how we, meaning the entire planet, will survive the pandemic.

But all that aside, what the godawful New York Post fixated on, in its on-brand, punch below the belt (and often report below the belt) fashion, was what Brady told Stern about his memories from 20 seasons of sharing a locker room with the New England Patriots.

“Stuff about his swollen testicles (Matt Cassel nicknamed him ‘purple balls’) and open locker room showers (‘Every guys’ penis looks the exact same’),” wrote SB Nation.

Well, not every guy’s penis, apparently; Specifically, Rob Gronkowski, now happily retired. The Post relayed with adolescent glee, Stern wanted more detail on the Gronk’s dong.

“We also learned from you today that Gronk has a beautiful penis,” Stern asked excitedly, about the manhood of Brady’s former tight end.

“Yes he does, it’s amazing,” said the NFL player with the most Super Bowl victories, who you might think would have something else to talk about, given this was his debut on Stern’s show. “It’s exactly what you would expect it to be.”

I don’t really know what Brady means by that. I have very high expectations for penises.

Brady also regaled Stern with tales of how Gronkowski “would get naked” in the locker room with members of the media present.

Really? Was this The Howard Stern Show or a Beavis and Butt-head re-run?

“Literally throw his towel over his shoulder and just walk through the locker room with all the reporters,” Brady told Stern. “He didn’t give a shit. He strut through.”

Well… it’s a locker room. Athletes change out of sweaty, dirty uniforms, shower and then put on their street clothes, Howard, you dork. Getting nude is a necessity. And any sports reporter or photographer, no matter what gender you identify with, understands this.

So, to summarize, Tom Brady says Rob Gronkowski’s penis is “amazing,” he doesn’t see race, and non-contact sports don’t teach shit about “respect, routine, discipline and teamwork.”

Gotcha, Tom.

I expect this kind of crap from Stern, who is a juvenile trapped in an old man’s body with a rabid following and no boundaries. But here in New England, I expected more. You were the GOAT, the hero, the man my oldest son idolized. To him, you were the only quarterback worth worshipping.

And now you’re just another creepy, middle-aged dude, almost ready to retire in Florida. How long before you’re spotted getting lap dances in Mons Venus or Scores, which are both conveniently located on North Dale Mabry? I love my former hometown of Tampa Bay, especially Clearwater and Ybor, but as everyone knows, it has its seedy side. Based on this interview, I think you’ll fit right in there, Tom.