With June a month away, MLB teams are starting to announce details of their upcoming Pride Nights. Unfortunately, that also means it’s time for one of the internet’s most regrettable traditions: the guy who thinks it’s the sickest of sick burns to reply, “When is straight night?”
You can almost feel the heterosexual insecurity dripping off of that sentence like so much Axe body spray. It’s the Twitter equivalent of spontaneously declaring “I own at least 10 Affliciton shirts.”
It’s almost too easy to simply point to a baseball schedule and respond, “They’ve got 162 hetero nights. Which one do you want?” But there are certain nights at the ballpark that make you realize that this basic answer is also kind of true.
For instance, all you have to do is spend 10 minutes in the Wrigley Field bleachers and you will realize every game in that section is straight night. Especially if your name is Chad or Trixie. Judging by the favorite T-shirt of certain bleacherites, you might assume the Cubs’ best player is named “Drunk Chicks Dig Me.”
But we at Outsports are nothing if not public-service minded. Since we’ll be publishing several Pride Night stories over the next couple months, we thought we’d get ahead of the inevitable trolling.
So with that in mind, here is a representative sample of upcoming MLB Christian Nights and Date Nights…
Arizona Diamondbacks: Date Night, already sold out
Cincinnati Reds: Date Night, Aug. 4th
Colorado Rockies: Faith Day, Aug. 14
Houston Astros: Faith and Family Night, April 23
Kansas City Royals: Faith and Family Night, July 9th
Miami Marlins: Faith and Family Night, April 16
Milwaukee Brewers: Ballpark Day of Faith, June 10
Minnesota Twins: Faith Day, Aug. 16
New York Mets: Faith Day, May 25
San Diego Padres: Faith and Family Night, May 30
San Francisco Giants: Fellowship Day, May 30
Seattle Mariners: Faith and Family Day, July 27
St. Louis Cardinals: Christian Day, July 16
Texas Rangers: Faith and Family Day, May 15
There you have it. Faith and dating-based promotions are happening in numerous cities throughout MLB — including San Francisco and New York. In fact, almost every team listed above has a Faith or Date Night and a Pride Night coexisting on their promotional schedules and somehow, baseball hasn’t come to an end. Go figure.
And you know what you won’t see when teams announce these promotions? A bunch of gays running to Twitter to demand “When is George Michael’s ‘Faith’ Night?”
The only time we’ve objected was when someone like Lance Berkman headlined Cardinals Christian Day. Because with 2 billion Christians in the world, chances are pretty good the Cards could’ve found another speaker who isn’t a transphobe.
Now that we’ve published this helpful guide, there’s no longer any need for trolls to jump into a team’s mentions asking “When’s straight night?” So anytime you see someone on Twitter posting that question, just send them a link to Outsports with the message “Here’s the site you’re looking for!”
Their reaction will be our gift to the internet.