Host a Super Bowl party, but make it gay!
Homosexuals across this great nation will take on that challenge this weekend, when the Philadelphia Eagles face off against the Kansas City Chiefs in Super Bowl LVII. With the game expected to attract more than 100 million viewers, it’s fair to say the Super Bowl is the last monolithic cultural event we have.
Oh, and Rihanna is performing at halftime. I buried the lede.
The girls and gays after Rihanna performs #SuperBowl pic.twitter.com/XsdaENqIev— Jack (@HeatherGaysGay) February 5, 2023
I’ve written before about the struggles of being a gay football fan. There is a stigma against sports fandom in pockets of the gay community, and given that sports have historically been exclusionary towards LGBTQ people, that’s understandable.
The NHL’s Pride Night debacles show there’s still a lot of work to be done.
But it is frustrating to be derided as “straight-acting” because you watch sports. It’s possible to know this season’s cast of “RuPaul” and the Chiefs’ starting wideouts. (I’m not saying I do, but I imagine there are people out there.)
With that said, there are rules when it comes to hosting a gay Super Bowl party. First of all, the atmosphere must be inclusive. Friends should feel welcome regardless of whether they’re familiar with Patrick Mahomes or Jalen Hurts.
But even more importantly, it must be fun. Gays don’t throw boring parties. If you follow these five steps, your Super Bowl get-together is destined to be marvelous.
Have some Super Bowl decor
You’re an adult now! Congratulations! Time to put some effort into presenting your space!
There’s no need to go crazy; but for the sake of festivity, buy some Super Bowl-themed napkins and paper plates. Maybe come up with a football theme, or just say sports attire is encouraged.
The Super Bowl is a special event, so there should be some special attractions. Or else, the party will inevitably devolve into people sitting on the couch and staring at Grindr.
Make your own food, and don’t make it skinny
Speedo season can wait. Super Bowl Sunday is all about gluttony.
And let’s face it: gays are the best hosts. That’s because we plan fun themes (see above) and make our own hors d’oeuvres.
There is nothing appetizing about a cold, store-bought Super Bowl platter with lukewarm chicken wings and celery sticks. It’s so ... toxically apathetic.
Though I am a relative cooking novice, I can assure you it’s not that hard to make good chili or tasty nachos. Better yet, suggest everyone bring a dish of their own. We love a potluck!
Go light on the beer
The biggest difference between a straight party and a gay party is the alcohol selection. At the former, expect lots and lots of beer: heavy IPAs, stouts, bone-sticking lagers.
At the latter, expect ... vodka! And soda water! Maybe some Redbull, too.
Stereotypes aside, delicious cocktails are part of the gay identity. We took the cosmo from Sarah Jessica Parker, and ran with it, honey.
Also, beer makes you lethargic, especially when paired with pizza and buffalo chicken dip (remember: gluttony).
You’re going to need your energy. This is a party, after all.
It’s time to address the elephant in the room: there’s a good chance that some of your guests may not be football fans. So that means they’ll probably want to talk at loud volumes and laugh.
I watch the Super Bowl alone every year for this exact reason. I am a sportswriter, and I like to actually pay attention and hear the announcers. My professional livelihood depends on it.
If you’re hosting a Super Bowl party, just know that people probably aren’t coming to break down the guard play.
But they are probably coming to watch Rihanna!
Turn up the volume of the halftime show
Rihanna is performing for the first time in four years.
Nothing more needs to be said.