Circuit Boiz Are Athletes, Too

(This article was published in 2003).

The arrival of warmer weather brings the opportunity to venture outdoors and partake in your favorite sport. While most of the pros are taking the summer off, the weekend warriors – from the softball leagues to the swim teams – are finding their stride with tournaments every week around the world.

With the White Party in April, the “circuit season” commenced like Major League Baseball on opening day. It’s no coincidence that the circuit scene also begins to heat up as does the weather. While on the outside, it may look like athletes and circuit boiz share as many similarities as Danny DeVito and Arnold Schwarzenegger in Twins, it’s what’s below the surface, deep down, that show us how circuit boiz are the forgotten gay athlete.

The similarities between these two are outstanding.

Training. While athletes are known for their great physique, try to get into a gym in L.A. the week before the White Party; or in New York City the week before Pride. Every circuit boi in town is pumping iron, spending three hours on the “Elliptical,” and cramming down protein bars in the lobby.

Special Diet. Other than Babe Ruth and a few other professional baseball players, most athletes put themselves through a rigorous diet, which intensifies immediately before, and during, the season. Circuit boiz do the same thing, focusing on protein shakes and lots of salads, then stepping it up the week before a big party.

Removal of the shirt. Soccer players have made ripping of their shirts after a gooooooal famous. While athletes remove their shirts after a score, circuit boiz do it long before one.

Drug Use. Athletes have long used drugs to improve their performance on the field. While steroids have been around forever, new and improved drugs – like amphetamines – are finding their ways into the lockers of some of the best professional athletes today. The circuit boiz, too, have performance-enhancing drugs: Ecstasy and Viagra. And, just like baseball, just about everybody’s doing them.

“Batting Average.” Sports are a haven for the statistically-minded. From the uber-complex “quarterback rating” in football to the batting average in baseball, athletes are judged not just by the championships they win, but by the numbers associated with their career. So, too, do circuit boiz have statistics. The key factor in determining the success of a circuit party has in large part to do with “orgasm per minute.” According to Nicholas Snow of NotesfromHollywood.com, the average number of orgasms per minute at the annual White Party in April is 10.42, and the average number of orgasms per attendee per event is 2.0. As a friend said, just as you do in sports, “you go there to score.”

Worship. Like every other major religion in the world, sports and the circuit scene have a strong following with regularly scheduled worships. The likeness between sports and religion are talked about often in sports publications. Try getting through an issue of Sports Illustrated without the use of mythology terms like “hero” and “gods.” So, too, are circuit parties places of worship, where boiz go to either worship the beautiful shirtless bodies around them or, in the case of the “top guys,” to be worshipped. Though “hero” would be a stretch, the Gods of Low-Body-Fat-High-Protein-Intake strut their stuff like Palm Springs was Mt. Olympus.

Injuries. An athlete, performing at such a high level of exertion, is often susceptible to injuries. They happen all the time – from pulled hamstrings, to broken bones, to concussions. While performing at such a high level at circuit parties, the same thing happens: blackouts from drug overdose causes someone to bump their head; sickness from the dehydration they’ve been putting themselves through for the previous week; a bruised ego from the trick they tried to pick up.

MVP. Every game, every team, every League has a Most Valuable Player – the person without whom the team would not have experience such success. Winning an MVP Award to an athlete means more money, more notoriety, and more power. Every circuit party has an MVP – most often the DJ. The great DJs – the ones that can rack up a few MVPs, are draws to an event, like Michael Jordan. And getting a reputable DJ, like Manny Lehmann or Victor Calderone, means your chances of a successful event go up dramatically.

High Cost. The NFL’s average ticket price hovers around $50, with the highest average prices coming around $90 from the Washington Redskins, owned by Daniel Snyder. Jeffrey Sanker charges a whopping $100 to get into the White Party Saturday night; the T-Dance is $80; afterparties are $50.

Evil Dark Lords. The NFL has Al Davis and the aforementioned Daniel Snyder. The circuit scene has the aforementioned Jeffrey Sanker.

As if you needed anymore proof that circuit parties are sporting events, look no further than the Gay Games. More people turned out for the Black Party On the Harbor at Sunset than went to all of the basketball games combined.

Instead of catching leather-bound balls and running at high speeds, circuit boiz simply play a sport whose workouts include dancing ‘til dawn and sex in the afternoon.

Hmmm – I think I might have picked the wrong sports to play.


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