You don’t know me, but as one of your many Mets fans longing for this lockdown to end, and for baseball to begin, I decided today is the day for me to declare my true feelings.
I think I’ve fallen in love. Silly, I know! But it’s true.
It’s not just your long locks, your chiseled chest, that magnificent throwing arm that drew me to you.
Speaking of your arm, I imagine you have other things on your mind, given your recovery from Tommy John surgery on March 27. So... How are you feeling? I know that you’ll likely be out until summer of next year, but who knows when the Mets will be able to play again, as the coronavirus pandemic rages on? Just take it one day at a time, sweetie.
Speaking of the lockdown, how is that going for you? I like your mask, even though it hides some of your best features.
So, I have to admit, this is just a crush, at best, a one-way romance. And I confess, I’m no Alexandra Cooper, but can we agree, maybe that’s a good thing?
There are other reasons why this may never work between us, though. We called you an idiot 7 and 1⁄2 years ago, and rightly so. You did that stupid thing that too many pro athletes do, reveal to the world you use anti-gay slurs — in this case, the “F-word” — and then think you can get away with a mealy-mouth apology. Do you remember? You called it “a little mishap.”
“I’d just like to apologize for anything that was said. A buddy and I were having a little conversation. I had a poor attempt at humor and an even worse attempt at using a term I shouldn’t have used. I hope I didn’t offend anybody. I’m really sorry my first introduction to being a New York Met had to be like this.”
You did offend a lot of us, though. And the Mets let it go; the team and MLB did nothing, as usual.
Well, it’s been a few years, and although it still breaks my heart to think of you saying that word, I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt that you learned your lesson.
Afterall, it wasn’t your fault the Mets held its Pride Night in 2018 on the same night it gave away Thor bobbleheads. Hopefully the management learned its lesson from that fiasco, which basically gave LGBTQ fans the second banana treatment. Or worse, according to our contributor, Matt Tracy.
You’ve been very sweet to young fans, giving of your time with camps and charities, and that’s just one of the many reasons you are such a star in my eyes.
Ooh, I wish I could have won last week’s auction for a lunch date with you, premium seats to a future game at Citi Field and your actual game-worn jersey! But, alas, $15,000 is a little beyond my budget. I am available for lunch, however, should you have another opening in your schedule.
Like a lot of fans, I worry what will happen to you when you become a free agent following next season. I’m sure that weighs heavily on your mind, too, but right now, shhhhh: focus on getting stronger, healing and put that positive energy to work!
And I’ve read what a fitness fanatic you are. Yoga, Pilates, too? No wonder you’re so buff!
I was just wondering if you need a spotter, for when you work out? Especially if you’re still doing so shirtless?
But truth be told, I want to see you back in that Mets uniform, back on the mound and in the batters box. That’s where I first fell for you, Thor. I imagined you swinging a hammer in your hand instead of a bat, or throwing it instead of a fastball. I think it’s sweet that your nickname was bestowed upon you by a fan. Would you like to hear some other nicknames I might have for you?
Oh, well. I’m resigned to admire you from afar, knowing full well that you can have your pick of any woman on the planet. Still: You won’t find another one like me!
It may be true that the Marvel Cinematic Universe’s Thor, Chris Hemsworth, is all that, and he’s not someone I’d toss out of bed, believe me; but truth be told, the only Thor for this fangirl is you, Noah.
P.S. Mrs. Met can take a hike as far as I’m concerned. Don’t be a homewrecker, Noah!