A famous male pro athlete announces that he has had sex with men. The media barely touch the subject. Why is that?
The athlete in question is longtime NBA player Dwight Howard, who has denied an allegation in a lawsuit that he sexually assaulted a man during a 2021 encounter. Howard said the sex between the two men was consensual. He also said what he did sexually was his own business, adding, “That ain’t nobody’s business where I put my sh*t in.”
The Howard-having-sex-with-men rumors have long been fodder for the more gossipy parts of the internet, with Howard in 2019 denying he was gay. And yet even when he acknowledged a same-sex affair, the news has gone largely uncovered by the mainstream media beyond stories about the lawsuit. There are two reasons why this is.
Howard has not come out
Get off the sidelines and into the game
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Dwight Howard having sex with men and putting his stuff where he wants is not the same as him saying he is gay or bi.
The standard we have relied on at Outsports (along with most media) is some sort of acknowledgment by an athlete on how they define their sexuality. This could be a media statement or social media posting where it’s obvious they identify as LGBTQ. We face this every time there is a big international event like the Olympics, where we parse social media posts to try and determine whether, for example, two athletes holding hands are a couple or just good friends.
Howard has not acknowledged anything beyond that he had an affair with a man in 2019 that he called consensual in response to a lawsuit. It’s his right to define his sexuality or not, though if he is LGBTQ he is missing an opportunity to make a difference. As my colleague Cyd Zeigler said, “People are very interested in identifying LGBTQ athletes because of the inspirational quality of it.”
Instead, Howard is going with the argument that it’s nobody’s business, saying two weeks ago: “If you want to know what people are doing in their dressing room or messing with or sleeping with, you are weird. You’re the weird one.”
Just because a man has sex with another man it does not mean they identify as LGBTQ. Years ago I talked with a gay man who told me that in college he had sex with a football player now in the Pro Football Hall of Fame.
“Wow,” I told him, “I didn’t know this player was gay.”
“I don’t know that he is,” the man told me, adding that there was a lot of sexual experimentation at his college. That conversation has stuck with me whenever I hear about various male athletes having sex with men — never assume.
The need to acknowledge oneself as being gay or bi becomes at some level a political statement and something that can frustrate athletes who see a double standard with straight athletes allowed to be themselves without declarations. Carl Nassib complained about this, as did college basketball coach Matt Lynch, who felt a need to come out to his team this summer despite his story having been out there for three years.
“This next part of the conversation pisses me off that I have to tell you I’m gay,” Lynch said to his players at a retreat. “Not one of you had to say you were straight. It’s just me being transparent.”
The details of the lawsuit
We know of Howard’s same-sex affair because he is being sued for sexual assault. From ESPN:
In court documents obtained by ESPN, Howard said Monday that he engaged in “consensual sexual activity” with a man named Stephen Harper during a July 2021 encounter at Howard’s Georgia residence. Howard denied that he caused any injury to Harper, according to the filing.
In the original complaint filed in July, Harper’s lawyers said he and Howard first began corresponding over direct messages on Instagram in May 2021, with Harper initiating the exchange. Harper accused Howard of sexually assaulting him at Howard’s home during the subsequent July 2021 encounter.
“We fully anticipated Mr. Howard to raise the issue of consent in his Answer,” Harper’s attorney, Olga Izmaylova, told ESPN, adding that Harper did not consent.
Harper’s complaint also accused Howard of “intentional infliction of emotional distress” and false imprisonment. Howard’s response denied those allegations.
“What was a private consensual encounter was made public for profit and Mr. Howard looks forward to bringing the truth to light in a court of law,” one of Howard’s attorneys, Justin Bailey, told ESPN.
The suit has been covered by some mainstream media and it’s far from a feel-good story about an athlete exploring his sexuality. These are serious charges and part of a lawsuit and the default for many in the media is to wait for a settlement or ruling. Few want to get involved in a case of he said, he said.
The bottom line is that Howard has had sex with men and we only know of this because he is being sued. He’s also never made any public declaration he is LGBTQ. I am borrowing this line from Jon Holmes of Outsports since it sums it up so well: “I don’t think there is anything you could describe as ‘courageous’ in how Howard is behaving over this, and that also means he can’t be a role model for other LGBTQ men in sport, however they define. It sends an unsettling message to other closeted guys in basketball in particular. Can discomfort be contagious too?”
Until and unless Howard says he’s gay or bi or queer, he won’t be on any list of “out athletes.”
